Friend of DID requires advice

Hi everyone,
I have a friend with DID. I met her at a party once and we were really attracted to each other. She told me that she had split personalities and I had no idea what she meant and I brushed it off as a fleeting comment. I knew she was different as she acted a bit strangely later in the night.

When I got home I did some research on DID and realized that she told me something serious and important.
I did not see her for a few months until I bumped into her again. We then went out and continued to see each other for a while until one night when we were out, I broached the subject of her multiple personalities (in a private, serious conversation) and she freaked out and started denying it.

I did not see her again for 7 years until recently when she emailed me and wanted to catch up. We met and got along really well, she is really a great person and I admire her.

I do not want to cause any harm to our friendship again, but I can't just not say something and pretend everything is fine. I really like her and want the best for her but I can't go through breaking up again, I was really hurt last time, mainly because I did nothing wrong yet felt so much blame.

I am appealing to anyone who can give me advice. I would like to know how best to broach the subject andask her about her personalities.

She can't go on denying the truth. I wan't to be there for her, to understand. I have never met anyone else like her.
I would really appreciate any help.

Thank you

well, yes, she can. it's her truth to divulge, and if that's never, then you have to respect that. DID is a survival mechanism and it's primary function is to hide, because this has kept the system safe. trying to get her to talk about it or expecting that you have some right to have her talk to you is disrespecting her boundaries and it's a sure fire way to ensure that protectors in her system will do everything they can to stay away from you as you will be perceived as a threat as you are crossing those boundaries. there may be a time she feels safe enough to talk to you about it, and that should be when she brings it up without prompting. it sounds like an alter was out at a party when she may have been inebriated. some alters have different roles, sometimes that role is to come out when at a social event or drinking or using drugs etc.

be her friend like you would anyone else. people with DID can produce some strong emotions in people around them. sometimes this is caused by projective identification. this may be why you feel like you've never met anyone like her and felt a lot of blame when you last parted.

Thank you skin, for your honest and helpful answer. Upon looking back at what I wrote, I see that some of what I wrote may have been a bit selfish. I have done my best to research DID as best I can but still do not understand what it is like to have DID myself.
I understand that it is extremely difficult for her to talk about it and that if she want's to, she will.
The night when she told me she had split personalities, we were both under the influence of MDMA. This may have made her more open to discussion. She does not take drugs anymore and neither do I really.
I still do feel a close bond with her but I have my own defensive barriers up because I don't want to get hurt myself.
I am still unsure what you mean by her projective identification. Are you saying that she projects feelings such as love which she in turn feels loved? I am a little confused at the definition.
Thanks again skin, I do appreciate your help.

I'd have panicked too if you'd approached me like that.

Lots of people with dissociative disorders have the luxury of appearing fairly normal. I am one of these individuals. Therefore, I only explain my situation if I trust someone, feel safe telling them and if one of the following requirements has been met: I need a shoulder to lean on, I need advice, or they have seen some confusing behavior from me that is concerning them/scaring them. Once I have told them, I typically say something to the effect of, "I am glad that you understand now but never bring up this topic again unless I approach you about it directly."

Be respectful of your friend. If she wants to talk about it, she will talk about it. I get the idea that this individual "passes" well and has found a place in which she feels secure. People don't know that she is ill, she has the resources that she needs, and she's doing great.

Imagine that you had lost a leg. No one knows that you are disabled because you wear long pants. You do excellent work for your boss, you have lots of friends, and you walk so well on your prosthetic that no one knows. You are genuinely happy. Then, someone from your past approaches you. You don't remember telling them about your injury. "Hey, there! How's the missing leg?" You'd feel mortified, especially if you had insecurities about your prosthetic. "How awkward! How rude!" you'd think.

It's just something to keep in mind.

Hi licklegreen,

I have read through your post and also through the other posts.

I am a significant other of someone who has DID. As I agree with what the others have said in response to your post, I would also like to encourage you to carefully guard your heart and emotional well being. You can be hurt again easily. My life has forever been changed by my partner/ex-partner who has DID. I am so in love with her but I am also now in a deep depression because of our relationship.

You know about her DID and can prepare for anything to happen. Please do that.

I didn't know about my partner's DID until we were 8 months into the relationship, had broke up, and then she decided to tell me. I love her and all her alters, but it has been a very hard road to travel.

Please, please, guard yourself and take care of yourself first and foremost.

licklegreen wrote:Hi everyone,
I have a friend with DID. I met her at a party once and we were really attracted to each other. She told me that she had split personalities and I had no idea what she meant and I brushed it off as a fleeting comment. I knew she was different as she acted a bit strangely later in the night.

When I got home I did some research on DID and realized that she told me something serious and important.
I did not see her for a few months until I bumped into her again. We then went out and continued to see each other for a while until one night when we were out, I broached the subject of her multiple personalities (in a private, serious conversation) and she freaked out and started denying it.

I did not see her again for 7 years until recently when she emailed me and wanted to catch up. We met and got along really well, she is really a great person and I admire her.

I do not want to cause any harm to our friendship again, but I can't just not say something and pretend everything is fine. I really like her and want the best for her but I can't go through breaking up again, I was really hurt last time, mainly because I did nothing wrong yet felt so much blame.

I am appealing to anyone who can give me advice. I would like to know how best to broach the subject andask her about her personalities.

She can't go on denying the truth. I wan't to be there for her, to understand. I have never met anyone else like her.
I would really appreciate any help.

Thank you

licklegreen wrote:She told me that she had split personalities [...] I broached the subject of her multiple personalities (in a private, serious conversation) and she freaked out and started denying it. [...] She can't go on denying the truth.

When a person has DID, it is fairly typical for one alter to be open about it or even seek help, and another alter to deny it. The alter who denies the DID may be consciously lying, unconsciously in denial, or honestly unaware of the DID. Someone who has DID and denies it can go on denying the DID, and probably will, even in the face of much direct evidence and feedback about the condition. This denial, if that is what is going on here, could even continue for the rest of her life.

Does she actually have DID? Just because she said one time, while high on mind altering drugs, that she has "split personalities" does not mean this is true. I once heard an acquaintance say he has multiple personalities but from the context and what I know of him it was clear he was either joking or fishing for some give-away reaction from me.

So what should you do? That is up to you, and you should decide based on your personal values and your boundaries. Not on hers. Decide for yourself, not for her. It is not your job to enable or support her delusion of normalcy, if she does have untreated DID; it is also not your job to set her straight, if she does not have DID.

Personally I would not tolerate pretending that I don't know something about someone just because it makes some part of that person uncomfortable. I would not remain in a relationship under such terms. On the other hand I would not assume that what I think I know necessarily is "the truth" about the other person.

What do you actually know about her? Very little, it seems. You know that she once told you she has "split personalities." This seems to be your starting point. You might say something like "You once told me something that seemed important and then when I wanted to talk about it with you, you denied it. So now I am confused and unsure how to proceed. Could we talk about that?"

I hope this helps. I have been in a similar situation, so you have my sympathy.

skin wrote:people with DID can produce some strong emotions in people around them. sometimes this is caused by projective identification. this may be why you feel like you've never met anyone like her and felt a lot of blame when you last parted.

in reply to skin, licklegreen wrote:I am still unsure what you mean by her projective identification. Are you saying that she projects feelings such as love which she in turn feels loved?

Basically. If projective identification is involved in this situation, then it would look like this: She imagines herself (or needs to feel) loved by you and the intensity of her imagining of being loved by you is merely being embodied in you. It is "chemistry" that is way over the top, and has all to do with her own history and nothing much to do with you and your own emotions. It is a kind of hallucination, a very powerful one.

I have posted a lot here about projective identification, multiple-style. I seem to have experienced it myself. I have DID and I met a man who I think has DID, who on contact the first time we met engendered in me a brand new alter who was pure longing for this man. For a while there the feeling was so overwhelming that it nearly blew my mind. At times it was all I could do not to act out. And the longing was so ego-alien, so profoundly not me, that I thought I was going insane. I knew what I was feeling was somehow not normal, at least not normal for me, and therefore not something I should take at face value and act on.

Hope this helps.

DID Forum: Projective identification and DID

Leave a written letter for her!

Hers the deal slick!

She has to be able to communicate or you will not have a relationship! So, it has to be brought up!

There is a difference between liking each other and being able to live with each other in a relationship!

You have to be able to talk to her about problems that cause problems in the relationship or you will not have a relationship!

Una+ wrote:

licklegreen wrote:She told me that she had split personalities [...] I broached the subject of her multiple personalities (in a private, serious conversation) and she freaked out and started denying it. [...] She can't go on denying the truth.

When a person has DID, it is fairly typical for one alter to be open about it or even seek help, and another alter to deny it. The alter who denies the DID may be consciously lying, unconsciously in denial, or honestly unaware of the DID. Someone who has DID and denies it can go on denying the DID, and probably will, even in the face of much direct evidence and feedback about the condition. This denial, if that is what is going on here, could even continue for the rest of her life.

Does she actually have DID? Just because she said one time, while high on mind altering drugs, that she has "split personalities" does not mean this is true. I once heard an acquaintance say he has multiple personalities but from the context and what I know of him it was clear he was either joking or fishing for some give-away reaction from me.

So what should you do? That is up to you, and you should decide based on your personal values and your boundaries. Not on hers. Decide for yourself, not for her. It is not your job to enable or support her delusion of normalcy, if she does have untreated DID; it is also not your job to set her straight, if she does not have DID.

Personally I would not tolerate pretending that I don't know something about someone just because it makes some part of that person uncomfortable. I would not remain in a relationship under such terms. On the other hand I would not assume that what I think I know necessarily is "the truth" about the other person.

What do you actually know about her? Very little, it seems. You know that she once told you she has "split personalities." This seems to be your starting point. You might say something like "You once told me something that seemed important and then when I wanted to talk about it with you, you denied it. So now I am confused and unsure how to proceed. Could we talk about that?"

I hope this helps. I have been in a similar situation, so you have my sympathy.

Thank you to everyone who has responded, you have given me great insight into my relationship with my friend. I will endeavor to respond to you all more comprehensively but for the meantime I am typing on my phone.

The following may be sensitive to some readers.

Una. Thank you for your reply. I do not know for sure that she has DID, however all of the clues do point towards this being the case, stemming from her initial admission.
In no way do I consider myself qualified to give a diagnosis, nor am I sure that she is did. I am only researching and asking advice to help me with my friend in the possibility that she has did.
-she confided in me that dhe was seeing a therapist
-I find her talking to herself sometimes mid conversation
-she once was spesking to herself in a childs voice
-some instances which I will not go into which involve her abuse
-she sometimes passes out or has no memory of the previous night

Again I stress the point that I am not a therapist. I am only here seeking help for what I believe to be true based on my experiences with my friend.

Thanks again

Well, it does sound like she has DID.

Read more threads here; there are lots of threads by SOs about being or wanting to be with someone who has DID, and still more from the perspective of someone with DID who has internal conflict over who to be with. In the end the DID doesn't really matter; what matters is does the person as a whole treat you with care and respect? Are you happy? Are you safe?

Good luck.