Problems with sexual alter.. [TW]

TW: Pornography, sex, sexual abuse and abusers

I'm having a problem with a certain alter.. I've known about her for a long time but have been pushing her into the back of my head because I am so ashamed of her. I'm so ashamed I don't even want her name in my signature because just seeing it would fill me with guilt. So I'll just call her C. It's hard for me to type this. :C

C watches a lot of pornography. The pornography itself isn't the problem though, its the type she watches. She watches violent and unhealthy pornography that is similar to some of the abuse we went through and the pornography the abusers would watch. We've tried to talk to her about watching something healthier, but it never sways her. She always goes back to looking at the same things.

We're trying so hard to get healthy and this behavior triggers us and makes us feel bad and sends the system into disarray. A few times we've made a goal to not do anything sexual for a short period until things become more stable, but she always breaks it.

What can I do to fix this? I know my attitude towards her probably doesn't help.. I just don't know why she has to watch that stuff, and why she's still watching it after we're away from those people. I want it to stop.

- Merry

**Trigger warnings for discussion of abuse and sex****

I am going to guess this behaviour is fairly normal in people who have been abused. For me at least I feel that it's a form of taking control of a situation in which we have had no control - if this part actively seeks out and takes some form of pleasure from something that was forced upon them then it makes it less traumatic. It's a bit like Stockholm syndrome.

I have complete sexual dysfunction to the point of complete asexuality with intense aversion to anything sexual. There are parts of me who are hyper sexual but they are rarely seen and when they are out, their thoughts and interest is always towards violent and extreme or bizarre sexual acts and they can't enjoy anything unless they're thinking about something on the furthest end of that spectrum.

I personally feel that giving your system goals someone will inevitably end up breaking sets you up to enforce those feelings of shame. Is there any way you can find a compromise? Watching this stuff isn't wrong. It's important to remember that. But she needs to recognise that it's triggering for the rest of you and it sounds like it's more of an obsession and may be her only way of processing what has happened to you. Do you have a therapist? How much time does she get to discuss this?

My sexual alter is the one part that is not integrated as well as all the others. So we have made a compromise. We love her and are kind to her and let her experience the things she needs to a point

She is able to be on line, interact with others virtually, think deviant thoughts, fantasize, as long as she does not have sex with others in real life.

Thats the deal. We don't guilt her, shame her, tell her she is wrong.

Actually a lot of her desires are really hot and our sex life is really good I think because she thinks outside the box and is creative and forward and well, hot!

She she contributes to all of our lives and we, in turn, appreciate that about her.

Just a note, she ebbs and flows with her needs. For years she can be pretty dormant, then she pops up and needs that input. She has been doing this a lot lately. But it's all ok.

Hope this helps. Shaming her or telling her she is wrong, or trying to ignore or control or set unrealistic expectations….that will only fuel her need.

Good luck!!!