For the teenagers!

IainEtc wrote:Hi Nyxx,

Sounds complex! And maybe Nixie is confusing O with somebody else. You always say O's pretty nice about stuff but she's making like he's an abuser.

She totally gets confused she gets stuck in trauma time a lot and starts confusing now people with the abuser. I think because we can't picture the abuser (aphantasia - blind mind's eye) she find it hard to separate them. And like even when she isn't in trauma time she thinks everyone is like the abuser and will enjoy hurting her. But she is learning slowly because we have been helping her and because Ozalces is super good with her. Like on Sunday he is going to a wargaming (that's his hobby and his me time) event and it's usually super loud there because when he gets home he will be talking super loud. And Nixie thinks it's him shouting like every time and it's not but like his normal voice is super soft and nice but you can't here it if it's loud so he changes it and forgets to change it back. And if anyone but Nixie is fronting we will say something like your being really loud and he will stop a minute think then how back to his normal voice and say sorry I didn't realise I was being loud. And if Nixie is fronting she will get scared and hold our hand over our ears and if she is feeling brave which she is doing more will say no shouting, because he promised to never shout at her or hurt her. And he will say he is sorry he scared her but he wasn't shouting just being loud and he isn't mad and isn't going to her her. And then she will "no shouting?" you can like totally tell the difference between the asking and telling and then he will promise no shouting again. So like he tries super hard to be understanding and to accept that sometimes he does things we find scary or misinterprete because of our many many issues and like takes responsibility for it. Like turning the bed into a cave the other day at like 2am when he still had to get up for work the next day. Cos he loves us and thinks we are special (not that I know why) in a good way and even if it's not really his fault we are hurting he wants to make it better especially when he triggered us.

Britney I think if he makes you and the rest of your insiders (because it's kind of a package deal all or nothing) feel safe and happy it doesn't what anyone else thinks. I think BDSM relationship can be healthier then vanilla ones because there is usually more communication because there needs to be but like then once you open up and communicate about one thing others become easier. But like it has way more potential to go bad because some abusive people might think oh this is how I get easy victim's or because people who have bad pasts might get triggered. I think I remember someone in your system saying before that you used to get insecure over Kitten and like super jealous and stuff and that you all worked on it and it's not a problem now. And like wouldn't that have been like way earlier in you relationship when he would have been more likely to say screw this it like to much work or whatever. Like now you have been together a really long time right? So he is like all committed and stuff so isn't he more likely to try to fix things. I don't really know any practical advice but how did you deal with it with Kitten? Would that work again? What makes you so sure the new insider is like bad? And even if they are bad I kinda think you need to find a way to fix it with them or maybe fix what's bad about them because they are stuck in your head with you.

NyxX wrote:Britney I think if he makes you and the rest of your insiders (because it's kind of a package deal all or nothing) feel safe and happy it doesn't what anyone else thinks. I think BDSM relationship can be healthier then vanilla ones because there is usually more communication because there needs to be but like then once you open up and communicate about one thing others become easier. But like it has way more potential to go bad because some abusive people might think oh this is how I get easy victim's or because people who have bad pasts might get triggered. I think I remember someone in your system saying before that you used to get insecure over Kitten and like super jealous and stuff and that you all worked on it and it's not a problem now. And like wouldn't that have been like way earlier in you relationship when he would have been more likely to say screw this it like to much work or whatever. Like now you have been together a really long time right? So he is like all committed and stuff so isn't he more likely to try to fix things. I don't really know any practical advice but how did you deal with it with Kitten? Would that work again? What makes you so sure the new insider is like bad? And even if they are bad I kinda think you need to find a way to fix it with them or maybe fix what's bad about them because they are stuck in your head with you. [/color]

Hi NyxX,
Yes. Everything is consensual. In the very beginning the first things he asked Kitten were things she wanted and needed, things she wanted to try, and things that were a hard hell-no limit. He NEVER not even once has ever asked her to do what was on he hard limit list. NEVER. And then when each of us came out, we had similar discussions about the types of relationships we wanted with him. He never forced anyone into anything. And Val doesn't even have that kind of relationship with him and he respects that with her. Neither does Lilly (obviously) and he respects her needs as well. Communication is so important in those types of relationships because it takes so much trust. Yes, it can go bad when you get a predator who thinks someone who wants to be submissive is an easy victim. And it's those people who give the lifestyle a bad name. The current situation has NOTHING to do with BDSM at all.

Yes, I used to be really jealous about Kitten and I hated her. I thought he loved her more and only put up with me because it was a package deal. So to have her, he had no choice but to deal with me. It's been almost 3 years now since he's met all of us.

I don't remember I got over my insecurities with Kitten, I really don't.

My issues with Val:
She said she wasn't interested in sex or a romantic relationship. But she was lonely. I felt bad for her. I gave up my date night so they could have a chance to get to know each other. And she screwed him. She stabbed me in the back.

Now she keeps trying to take over my things.
1. I was going to do a garden, now it's hers.

2. My special thing with him is to smoke cigars by the fire. She wants to do that now and because she mentioned it to him, he asked me if I'd be willing to "share" and let her do it too. And that ######6 hurt. IT was the ONE THING that was special in that I'm the only one he does that with.

3. Kitten is in college, but I get to take the history classes because I enjoy them. One day she butted in, in the middle of class, and just took over.

4. We (husband and I) got into a huge argument over the garden. It spiraled out of control and he said he couldn't handle my jealousy anymore and actually broke up with me. He ended it with me, over her. We're back together now, but it still hurts. And that's the part I'm having trouble getting over. He says he'd never choose between any of us, but to me, that was a choice. He could have walked away from the argument. He could have said "We aren't talking about this anymore." But he didn't.

5. He suggested that maybe I need to take a break.

6. He says she isn't trying to push me out. I asked him why he believes that and he said, "Because she told me." After everything... he just believes her?

7. He says everything is all in my head. That he believes I believe it. But that doesn't make it true. That I'm over-jealous and that I'm insecure when I don't need to be. But how can he say it's all in my head when she's been doing all of this stuff?

I told him she's deceitful and she lies. I told him the only reason I gave up my time that night, was because she wasn't interested in sex with him, and I thought they needed some time to get to know each other and start a friendship, because that's all she wanted. He says she didn't lie, because he doesn't think she meant for it to happen. That it just did. I said you don't accidentally have sex with someone. And if I had known that is what would happen, I wouldn't have given her MY special time. But I did, and she stabbed me in the back. And I hate her. She's trying to take him from me and he doesn't see it. She hasn't gone after anything that the others love. She hasn't tried taking any of their things. Just mine. How can I trust her? How can I believe her about anything? And how can I NOT hate her? She stabbed me in the back.

B

I get why you don't trust her after that but you still gotta fix it with her because your stuck with her. And I think maybe she has messed with the others well at least Lily because didn't someone in your system write about how Lily was having trouble and it turned out to be Val telling her mean things and making her feel bad? And like now she is hitting you where you will hurt most. And that is a pattern of targeting you guys to hurt you and like totally unacceptable. Like we are parts because that's how we needed to be to survive and why would you hurt your other selves (that's how we think of each other other me's and like it makes us always try to support each other even when we aren't so good at it.) so I don't get why she would do that to you but I definitely think you have a right to be pissed. And like you guys need figure out why she is a bitch and then get her to stop. And it's sucky that your husband is believing her and not you but I don't know how to fix that.

NyxX wrote:I get why you don't trust her after that but you still gotta fix it with her because your stuck with her. And I think maybe she has messed with the others well at least Lily because didn't someone in your system write about how Lily was having trouble and it turned out to be Val telling her mean things and making her feel bad? And like now she is hitting you where you will hurt most. And that is a pattern of targeting you guys to hurt you and like totally unacceptable. Like we are parts because that's how we needed to be to survive and why would you hurt your other selves (that's how we think of each other other me's and like it makes us always try to support each other even when we aren't so good at it.) so I don't get why she would do that to you but I definitely think you have a right to be pissed. And like you guys need figure out why she is a bitch and then get her to stop. And it's sucky that your husband is believing her and not you but I don't know how to fix that.

No, she never told Lilly mean things. She gets long with the others just fine. He says that I am insecure and I blow everything out of proportion and by now I should know he loves me and needs me and I don't need to feel like everyone and everything is a threat. He says that I have to remember that Val hasn't really experienced anything in a long time, and I'm "misreading" her. And that I never gave her a chance. I said I gave her a chance, and she stabbed me in the back. He says if he had known how upset I would be, he wouldn't have slept with her, that he would have waited. He even pointed out that after that I asked him to stop, and give me some time to get used to the idea of him being with her, and he promised no sex with her for a month. Then the last time I was with him, he told me "I can't have sex with you." I was stunned and asked why, and he said "Because I made a promise.".... he thought I was her. That .... he's never thought I was one of the others.... EVER. I corrected him and tried to shrug it off... but the passion seeped right out of me and it was the worst sex I've ever had. He apologized, but....

He says she can't take my place, and even if she tried he wouldn't let her. Because I give him something no one else can. And him having a relationship with her doesn't change how he feels abou me, and it doesn't change "us." Just like the others coming out didn't change "us."

sigh

B

Hi Sasha,

You there?? I could kind of use a friend right now. We're working on some hard stuff about milkshakes and consent. Everybody feels cr*ppy.

Your friend,

Cody

Hi Cody,

I'm here, and I'm your friend!!! <3 <3

I'm sorry you're all feeling bad. Do you want to talk about it?

Sasha <3

Hi Sasha,

Feels better just knowing you're there.

Being needy is like the LAST thing in the whole WORLD that I want. It's just everybody everywhere is talking about how totally important consent is with milkshakes. But do I really give consent or am I just a stupid slut who does it with ANYBODY because I can't help it??? Our T was just saying maybe I'm a Protector and what I do is please other people with milkshakes to keep bad things from happening. But I thought I wanted it! And I DO want it (A LOT!) but if that's just the way I was built then it's not REALLY consent.

It's SO F*CKING complicated!!!!!!!!!

How do you know if you want it or if you're just doing something STUPID because you're nothing but a STUPID SLUT who uses milkshakes when the system it triggered???

Sorry. I'm just kind of messed up right now.

Your friend who likes you a WHOLE lot,

Cody

Hi Cody,

This is what I think; I think consent is different from your motivation. If you want to do it, and you’re agreeing to do it at the start and the whole time (like not changing your mind in the middle and being afraid to say), then you’re giving consent. I don’t think you need to worry about that.

WHY you’re doing it is a whole different thing, and something you can work on figuring out with your T. So if you have a milkshake, then later you can look at how you were feeling and WHY you wanted to. (Like, was it just so someone would like you or whatever).

One time I was alone in another country and really lonely, and there was a guy that I was in a school program with. We went out one evening and he came back to my room with me. I just did it because I wanted someone in my bed. But after we did it, he said that he never stayed the night-that was kind of his policy. So he left and then I was alone-and I realized I had only done it NOT to be alone, so that kind of defeated the whole purpose! So I totally consented to it, but it was kind of as a means to an end that wasn’t really related to this particular guy, who I didn’t really like or find attractive.

I’m not sure if that’s an example that relates to your experience at ALL, tho.

Also, I get mad when people insult my friends, so you gotta stop calling yourself stupid (because you’re NOT!!) and a slut (because that’s just mean and insulting).

And it’s not needy to want to talk to a friend!!

Sasha <3

Hi,

Not to intrude, but I'm also dealing with the consent thing. I know now that when I 'feel' consent, I stay really present, and when I don't, it's autopilot or worse. Maybe you can find out how to tell if you féél the consent or not.

If you like ocd-need-it (like me sometimes), maybe release solo instead of with others, until you fix it with a T. Because the ocd-needs maybe aren't really natural. But it's ok to be sexual. And to discover your ówn. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Robin, 18

Thanks Sasha and Robin.

It really helps to talk to friends about this. I'm just totally confused.

I'm really set up to WANT milkshakes pretty much ALL THE TIME. (Which Host hates because he doesn't like coming back into the body after I've turned the milkshake meter up to 11. ) But our T keeps reminding me that I do other things besides milkshakes. I love to dance and arrange things in our house and do creative stuff like that. She wants me to spend some time doing those things - not instead of milkshakes but so I'm a more well-balanced person.

TW-------------------

Our T and I have talked about how being totally into milkshakes helped us survive when we didn't have any control over being used for milkshakes. She said I was really clever to seduce the abuser so he'd stop doing cruel things to Iain. But now I have to stop seducing and learn to just have fun milkshakes. I'm trying.

end of TW---------------

Thanks friends. I'll stop calling myself names.

Cody