I have been directed here

-Background start!

I'm a 23 year old woman who is currently 9 months into her transition and loving every second of it. I know I had a really bad past, but I pretty much put everything in a box and put it away. I had imaginary friends until I was 17 and I thought they went away for good because I grew up. They were my family and helped me get through some really rough times. They had their own names, personalities and were completely different than myself. I could have full blown conversations and interact with them whenever they felt like it. Video and audio as well and I figured it ended when I put my past away.

Well to break the text tidal wave...Sunday was mother's day and it start off with me kicking back relaxing in order not to get stressed out. I hopped on facebook to check my messages later in the day and I noticed I had a new message so naturally I opened my messages and seen that it was from my mother who hasn't talked to me since I came out for my desire to transition. The simple words "Happy mother's day" threw me for a tail spin and a half. I have never been big on holidays and that just really pushed me over the top. Worst part is I just got over a terrible string of nightmares that have been so mentally straining they are causing physical damage.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I know that could be the issue at hand. Well I can't really remember anything before the age of 11, but blips here and there and my desire to be myself (female.)I have a seriously bad memory like I lose track of huge amounts of time. Long story short a majority of my abuse came about from my desires to be myself. I had a few things that happened along the way after the fact, but I just blew it off and shut it out. I joined football and tried to be the biggest man ever which I think only made my problems worse.

Well after the whole mothers day incident I went back on my 3.5 hour sleep schedule to avoid nightmares the best I could. Well I check my messages again a few days later and bam out of no where I sent my mom a huge document like 3000 words telling her all about my abuse and that's she isn't nice (I was a bit more vocal.) The problem is that it was sent when I was in the middle of my 3.5 hours of sleep. Which could be completely normal.

Well to shorten this huge post... My friends came back full force. Audio and Video... I told my therapist and she made me seem like I was crazy I just kept saying they were imaginary because she kept asking if I was seeing things and if I thought they were real. I didn't feel like telling her my imaginary friend was at the end of my bed when I woke up one day because that literally might get me thrown in the hospital and have my hormones taken away...


Forgive me for this huge post.

Sorry to bump my own post, but I posted this super early in the AM with no sleep. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but should I tell my therapist the truth? I just want to have a vague idea to what kind of bomb I could be walking in on if I say I'm having audio and video hallucinations of imaginary friends.

...I don't know? Personally I'm scared to death of hospitals, which is why even my psychotic depression was diagnosed only years after it had already ended
I thought and probably still think, that a hospital would have just made everything worse, to the point of intolerable, but maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I would be healthier today, if I had been honest years ago?

ChelseaWest wrote:[S]hould I tell my therapist the truth? I just want to have a vague idea to what kind of bomb I could be walking in on if I say I'm having audio and video hallucinations of imaginary friends.

Generally it is wise not to hold back about what you are experiencing. On the other hand, some therapists are not able to differentiate DID from psychosis, and may panic. Do you think your therapist is about to panic? You might ask your therapist questions to probe her understanding. What if you were having visual hallucinations? What is a hallucination? Is it necessarily psychotic? Here you are not asking for factual information; you are asking to find out what she thinks. If she thinks hallucinations of any kind equal psychosis, period, then you need to find another therapist.

Do you think your hallucinations are real? The answer to this depends very much on what you mean by "real". I can tell you that I see things and they are both real and not real. Or, rather, they are real for certain values of real. I am absolutely sure that I do see what I see, and that what I see (and hear) has meaning; I am not imagining it, not dreaming, not fantasizing. And at the same time I know I am seeing something that is not really there in the normal physical sense; it is in my mind's eye.

In any event, hallucinations generally are not sufficient reason for involuntary hospitalization. For that, generally there needs to be good evidence that you are a threat to yourself or others. So the specific content of your hallucinations, and your response to them, makes a huge difference.

Do the voices tell you to harm yourself or another person? Are they abusing you? Are the visions horrifying, tormenting, intolerable? If yes, going into a hospital ASAP may be a very good idea! They are good for preventing suicide. If no, there may be no cause for alarm and you probably don't need to go into a hospital at all unless you choose to do so in order to do intensive therapy.

I suggest you print a copy of the adult treatment guidelines for DID (link below) and give it to your therapist. Draw her attention to "Differential Diagnosis and Misdiagnosis of DID" on page 15 and "Neuroleptic or antipsychotic medications" on page 40. These sections are directly relevant to you at this time.

Good luck navigating this current challenge. Please let us know how you get on.

ISSTD: Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults (2011)