Advice for someone on the outside

Hello all. My fiance has DID and I was hoping to get some advice here. We have been going along fine for a couple years now, and comfortable with his plurality as the two main identities are co conscious, share memories, and even converse easily with each other (he has a comfy living room in his head as a "social area"). We have been vaguely aware of a 3rd, but that one seems shy and seems to be able to "blend" easily... it seems probable that while Patch (the "main" identity), and David (the protector or guardian) are not conscious of him, he is aware of them enough to pretend to be Patch. Episodes of memory loss while I could have sworn Patch was fronting are the only thing we have to base this on. Aside from that, the group has been stable for almost 12 years now.

The question I have right now is...where could I find info on how to deal with a brand new alter? Something for the person on the outside? Just the other day I met a new alter that no one suspected was there.... a 13 year old boy named Nicholas. The issue is that Nicholas not only does not know he is an alter, but thinks he is currently living in Japan in 1999. He identified me as a babysitter his parents left him with, so there was luckily no confusion there... but I'm still worried. What happens if we are out in town and Nick comes out to play and realizes that this is so not Japan circa 1999? Any normal 13yo kid thrown into that situation would freak out! Not to mention if/when he comes out again... eventually is he going to start wondering why his parents haven't picked him up yet? I am hoping to look into support groups, as Patch and David are both so unnerved by this they don't even want to leave the house just in case Nick comes back. Patch has refused to drive since Nick came out... Nick doesn't know how and I would hate to see what would happen if the switch happened on the road. I'm not sure how common that is, but it sounds risky.

He and I both would love some help, or even just some "you are not alone" feedback on this. He is really upset currently, he already has social anxiety, and issues with what people think of him... this is not making it any easier, being all shaken up after so long thinking everything was stable.

Right. Here goes: You Are Not Alone!

From what you report about him, Nicholas is not a new alter; he is a newly surfacing alter. (The difference is important.) It is like he has been in a coma for the past 15 years. One of mine was like that; she was a teenager in stasis for 3 decades. It was a huge adjustment for her to come to terms with the fact that she was an alter of a middle aged woman who was married with kids. The married part was the hardest, but fortunately for all concerned she decided she liked my husband well enough to fuse with me.

When disoriented alters start popping out like that the person is not safe to drive a car! This is a temporary problem, though. Soon enough the unpredictable switching calms down and switching returns to being a choice not an accident. Also, the insiders either learn to drive or learn not to interfere with whoever is driving. In the meantime, you might try calling around to see if there is a service club your area who could drive him, or a public service, or can you rally his friends to help? Right now driving really is not safe, because his switching is not predictable.

It is really good that your fiance already has two responsible adult alters, both of whom are used to cooperating together so well. That is a huge plus!

The current situation you describe is typical, however weird it seems right now. Certainly it is not the first of its kind on this DID Forum. Please use a web search engine to dig around in our old threads. That will help to answer many of your questions.

Of course anxiety is sky high. These new developments are a shock, and there is so much new information, and so many unknowns. Well, many of us have been there, done that, and lived to joke about it. It is all going to be okay. And you both are going to have such amazing stories to tell your grandkids.

thanks for the response =)
Yes, he is newly surfacing. From what I've been able to learn, all alters that may or may not be present are already there, and have been all along since childhood, just some of them may not be aware/awake/comfortable in coming out.

I certainly will be looking through this forum, and reading... and reading... and more reading. Sometimes he complains a little, but my natural response to facing a new challenge or crisis is to... you got it.... READ haha. I do have a question, and I do apologize as I know I probably can find more info about it as I read, but for right now I might just not be looking in the right places. You say that the unpredictable switching will stop, and Nicholas will learn... but right now I have no indication he has any idea of the situation, and I'm not sure how to break it to him or if I even should attempt it. I haven't been able to come across anything specifically for helping alters come to terms with the situation. I know that he probably has memories of trauma, and I'm afraid of doing anything that might make that worse. We are putting plans in place... Nicholas has a toothbrush of his own, and we have a bag packed for him with some clothes to be "his". I just am not sure whether to continue supporting his assumptions of being with a babysitter in Japan in 1999 or what. I know eventually it is going to come out, and I want to build trust with him, not lie to him if I can help it. I would be asking advice from his therapist but she proved to be unreliable and we are currently looking for a new one. /sigh

Tiger_Eyes wrote:From what I've been able to learn, all alters that may or may not be present are already there, and have been all along since childhood, just some of them may not be aware/awake/comfortable in coming out.

This is the case usually, but not always. The DID begins in childhood but alters can be created in adulthood. One of mine was created in my 40's, 30+ years later than the others.

Tiger_Eyes wrote:I just am not sure whether to continue supporting his assumptions of being with a babysitter in Japan in 1999 or what.

No! That would be a massive mind ###$, and when he gets a clue (which he will do) he would also understand that you deceived him. What he needs is an orientation to the here and now. Sit down with him and talk. You can even call him out, gently, at home during a time when everyone is well rested and fed and comfortable.

Suggestion here is very effective. Before you call him out you can say, out loud, to your fiance's two host alters that when Nicholas comes out they might remain awake and aware, watching and listening from the background. You might say to Nicholas that there are these parts of him who are with him, who care about him and are looking out for him, and ask him to "feel" inside and try to sense them there or hear them. This simple conversation may be enough to help them achieve some direct communication. The two regulars already know how to do that, because they do it, even though they don't know how they know.

Thanks Una+, that's the kind of thing I needed to know. We did end up having a bit of a crisis last night, it terrified Patch into incoherence, but it did lead to David meeting a new alter, Mckayla, and seeing Nicholas (both in the mental landscape in his head). Mckayla was pretty much immediately on board with everything, could see and hear outside and was not freaked out about the situation. She has no interest in coming out, but she is still in the "living room" speaking with Patch and David. Nicholas on the other hand.... well David found his room, and Nicholas thought he was the maid coming to clean the hotel room. So, not much progress there but I will take your suggestions. Sorry for using this site as a bit of a journal, but it seems to be helping me make sense of everything, and since Patch is reading this thread too, I hope it is helping him. I'm trying to get him to post in the forum himself, no matter what happens it is always nice talking to other people who get you.

Patch- Well I'm getting the idea that I should stop lurking and actually reply. Considering this thread is about me, why not post in this one. Gives me a chance to thank you Una for your advice and hopefully it will lead somewhere.

David- Since it seems i'm being told to type something. Hello to anyone seeing this, my price is a 2 liter of any soda not resembling mountain dew, and a chicken. Still figuring out what service I would be offering for such a price but i'll enjoy the free soda and food while I think about it.

He speaks! Welcome to the forum sweetie!