triggering* abuse

i posted another topic in a different forum that is mainly about my past which i have info of from mostly paper work i found after my mom died a couple years ago. but its mainly to get advice about a guy i met this weekend.
it is very long and VERY triggering for abuse, rape and self harm talk. it didnt quite fit in this forum but it is part of my did past. i didnt type in alot about my diagnosis because i wanted to just get Advice on the person situation mentioned near the end not comments on did from they people there but if any of you think you may be able to give a look with some advice here...

sexual-abuse-incest/topic139935.html

is the link. it is VERY triggering if you have triggers from molestation, rape, suicide attempts, self harm, statutory rape, and a few other things. i really need advice though and i know you guys here really understand this kind of thing too. plus you can look at it from the D.I.D perspective. please if you think you can handle the triggers please take a look. this is very serious right now. the guy i made the post about seems like a possible rapist himself and a stalker type.

This guy you just met is busting your boundaries, plain and simple. Defending your boundaries is your job first and foremost. So when someone does not respect "no", when they treat you with disrespect, that is your signal to get up and leave. You received a lot of those signals but you ignored them. Next time will be different, right?

There are many good books in print about personal boundaries. I like the ones by Henry Cloud and John Townsend although they tend to be very Christian oriented so not for everyone. Another is Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

Don't beat yourself up about this. Survivors of childhood abuse generally grew up in families where personal boundaries were routinely violated, and no one taught us to respect and protect our bodies, our feelings, our selves. But we can learn. It is important that we learn, so that we can keep safe not only ourselves but our own children.

Hi there,

I do think that the advise people gave you on your post: Not saying 'no' for fear of attack *triggering* is pretty good.

I've also find myself, not being able to say no, after some lines are crossed, but not with guys like the one you mentioned here. What I used to do is try to avoid a situation with them, since I couldn't say no. Later on, I've tried to analyze why I haven't said no on some occasions, and what I've come to think is that because of early abuse, I haven't been able to set appropriate emotional and physical boundaries. And because of that same things, I would be very emphatic about people don't crossing some of my other boundaries, like my room, later my apartment, my space when taking buses, the changing rooms, when I was trying new clothes, even doctor's appointments.

I totally support the advise of not meeting him. Doesn't matter what he says, you are allowed to change your opinion. I know that since the beginning you didn't want to, but even if it seems that you wanted at the beginning and now you don't want to, that is ok too. You are allowed to change your opinion, even at the last moment. And when you say no, it's no!

In my city we did a big protest at a famous restaurant when a girl who had a miniskirt and was drunk, was raped by her friend. The restaurant owner said: "well with that miniskirt, what else was she looking for?". We protested, because it doesn't matter how she dresses nothing justifies violence against anyone, her clothes or lack of it doesn't not justify him raping her. And we would say out loud: "And when I say no, it's NO!".

March in Miniskirt Pics

We all stood up that day for you as well, you CAN say no.

So continuing with you...

If for some reason you're unable to refuse, and find yourself with this guy, you could try any of this:

1) Is there an alter who you can ask to be there with you, supporting you, and saying no to the guy? That be awesome to have some allies in your system working with you.

2) Write down, before meeting with him, scenarios in which you may find yourself, scenarios in which you know you don't want anything to happen, but you're unable to say no. Write them, and think of some answers and moves you can say to him to prevent him for crossing your limits. For example:
a) In the scenario of: him going to touch your chest; you can pull away. Stop his hand and say: "Actually, I don't want you to doing it". And stepping up and leaving.
b) You may sit away from him, and even ask your cousin to support you. Tell her how you feel, and that you don't actually like him.
c) If he wants to press his dick on you, you can tell him: "Hey Dude WTF?" And pull your body away from him, moving away from him. It's your body, and you don't need to feel respectful for him, because he's crossing your boundaries.

Write as many scenarios as you want, and think about things you can do. The idea about having a slept over at your house, instead of your cousin's, is actually pretty good. I remember that for some time, I knew that if I began doing something with someone I wouldn't be able to stop, so what I would do, is completely avoid them. Now, I try to listen to myself and to my body and recognize when those limits are being crossed and have more strength to say no, "I don't want you doing that", or "not, this relationship is not health for me anymore, or it's not what I'm looking for".

If you are afraid by being attacked by him, try being accompanied by a friend who can support you, also try to be in public spaces where you two are not alone, with more people he would be less likely to attack you.

CrossBreed8 wrote:i feel dirty and slutty and guilty because i let him and if i try to back out of it then i was just a filthy tease and a bitch...

Know this, you are NOT dirty, NOT slutty. When our boundaries are crossed at early ages, it's difficult to recognize when to say no. In addition, it's also difficult to back out of a situation, when it seems you wanted it to happen. But know something else: YOU ARE ALLOWED to back out of a situation you don't want to happened. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. If they call you filthy tease and bitch, reflects only what they think, not what you are. It is your body, and you can always say no, even if it is in the last minute, even if you are drunk, you can say no. Even if someone is a guy, a sex worker, a wife, they all can say NO, whenever they don't want anything sexual to happen, other wise it is abuse and it is rape.

I wish you really work hard with yourself/selves, and write down where your boundaries lie, and how to come out of a situation if the are crossed.

Take care.

Sea