Not sure what is happening????????

I (We) found this forum when I (We) did a web search for movies on DID. Watched Second Window with Johnny Depp. We could relate a lot with it.

Life has given us challenges thus the DID. Was finally diagnosed in the early 90's. What a relief that was. A lot of my life made sense. "Where did all the new clothes, jewelry, etc. come from questions were answered. Why my wardrobe varied from one look to another. I always thought it was because I was a model. Also, my family would always remark on how I had so many different types of jobs. etc. etc. etc.

All the years of therapy for depression, mania, self injury etc. that barely held me together were now replaced with dealing with my DID, the real issue of what was going on inside this head of mine.

I was fortunate to have a good therapist to help and I was able to get integrated. My life went on. I met a wonderful man, married. Then in January 2009 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was too much for me and I fractured. Pandora's Box was open and I couldn't do much about it.

Again, I entered the world of therapy and anti-depressants, mood stabilizers and in and out of psych wards. Yet, they were not able to deal with my DID. I did a frantic search and was able to find a very good DID therapist and was holding my own. She was able to help us. I still see her to this day.

Then in January 2011, I was involved in an almost fatal automobile accident which required me to have brain surgery. Pandora's Box lid was blown off!!!

I have been struggling, all of my Secret Selves have been. Due to the chemo drugs I was on my heart was damaged and I had to go on two heart medications which one caused me to loose weight rapidly. My husband suspected I was doing drugs and drinking and convinced my regular therapist I was doing drugs and drinking!!! I contacted my cardiologist and told him about the weight lose and he put me on another med. Still struggling, but the weight is not flying off.

I told them no. If I was doing drugs then the bank account would show money being taken out. Plus, I have no idea how much drugs are. Plus, I would have to "Get Them"

He and my regular therapist were convinced I was doing drugs and drinking. My DID therapist was sure I was not and believed in me and my Secret Selves. However, my regular therapist insisted I get a drug and alcohol test done!!!

I was and am hurt that my husband would not believe in me. But, my regular therapist says to me and probably to my husband that, "I'm not always driving the bus."

Well, this past Friday I went to my doctors and peed in a cup. I will get the results today and they will be negative.

My regular therapist also wanted me to go to the Psych Ward and I refused because of the many times I have been, they do "Nothing" for DID. I just bide my time, go to groups, do their little crafts until it is time for them to release me.

When I found out they wanted me to go to the Psych Ward, I immediately called NAMI to see if I could get an Advocate and to find a DID support group. I told my husband and therapist that going to the Psych Ward does not help me because my issue is DID and they do not even acknowledge it there. I tried to relate to them by saying, "If your washing machine breaks down, you do not go to the vacuum store to get it repaired." Good logic, don't you think?

Well, I was able to dodge going in the hospital. However, I worked feverishly that morning trying to find a Partial Hospitalization/Day Treatment Program. I found one. I have my assessment this Wednesday. I figured that would be better than nothing. Plus, I wouldn't be locked up!!!

I have one Secret Self that is angry at my husband and I'm not so sure what to do.

I have a room in our house that I call my Studio, where I work on my breast cancer book and other writings, bead works, etc. However, I have been spending months and months trying to get it clean and straightened and when I got hit with breast cancer my head went into to chaos and so did my studio.

I have a cat that is like velcro to me. She always wants to be in my lap or if I'm crouched down, she'll jump on my back. SO, I keep the door closed as I am in my Studio.

I have been spending days and days in my Studio and my husband is telling me he is suspicious of what is going on in there. I told him nothing.

Even today, he asked me if I was doing some other curricular activity he didn't know about. One of my Secret Selves gave him a curt answer.

He writes me these long notes, blah blah blah and treats me like a child. Tonight he said that tomorrow my door is coming off. I told him if my door was coming off, then I was leaving.

I just can't deal with it. I see that this is a support group and I need one so so so bad. I'm not crazy.

He just won't let me/us be who we are. He wants the "me" I was before I fractured.

===Trigger==

My history is one of where my mother abused me, physically, emotionally and psychologically and then I was ritual sexual abuse and held for years by my oldest sisters ex-husband. I was able to escape him.

My husband is all the time watching Christian T.V. and quoting God. I don't have a problem with God myself. He has carried me, but 24/7??? Then tonight my husband wanted to talk to me and he told me that he believed if my Alters would turn their life over to Christ, I would be better!!!

==End of Trigger==

Then he wrote a 2 page letter telling me he though we and I quote, "I Think it's time to separate our lives economically and test to see if our relationship grows or declines. If Declines, I will keep Raf & Nic Nic (my 2 cats) safe and your stuff while you find a new place. Spring is the best time to move anyway." WTF

So here I (we) are in my studio, it is 4:30am and he is wondering why I don't want to come to bed or be next to him with all that he has thrown at me.

I just don't know what to do????

Plus, to top it off, I think I found a lump in my right breast. I had breast cancer in my left breast. Part of me just wants to let it just take me. But, then I've got more life to live. i'll be calling my family doc today.

Well, thanks for reading and for being here.

Holding our own, but not sure what's going to come at us next……...

Wow, you are having a really hard time.

Chris999 wrote:I was and am hurt that my husband would not believe in me. But, my regular therapist says to me and probably to my husband that, "I'm not always driving the bus."

The therapist has a point there. I am glad you cooperated with the testing. Whatever the result, it will be new objective information and that is helpful.

Does your husband have any objective reasons, any concrete evidence, for thinking you are secretly using? Or does he have nothing more than a feeling?

Thanks replying to my post. I called to find out what the results were on the Drug/Alcohol test and the only thing that showed was Opiates, which my Doc expected since I am on a low dose of Tylenol 3 which has codeine, hence Opiate positive. Plus, the level was well within the margin. No other drugs or alcohol came up positive, as I Knew it would be. Not sure what my husband and therapist are going to do with that info.

I am rightly aggravated and am keeping my reserve. My therapist that demanded I get the Drug/Alcohol test, also wanted me to go to the Psych Ward too, which I Did Not. She knows my husband and I are having struggles in our marriage and the last time I saw her, she wanted me to bring him in with my next session with her.

Well, tomorrow I have my appointment with her. It is about an hour and a half to see her. I told my husband, she wanted him to come to our next session. But, I punctuated it with, "I'll be driving." He made no comment. I Do Not want him to drive, because, they have us all paranoid to the point nothing would stop him to driving me to the hospital and Well, you know the rest.

My husband and I are going to have "our little talk" at 1 o'clock today. It is going to be interesting. I've been playing really cool tunes for my Secret Selves and making sure they are all in The Castle, safe, cool, calm and sound."

Who ever reads this, I would appreciate it if you could just send some good calming positive thoughts at 1 o'clock, Minnesota, USA time. It's a 11:40 am as I send this off.

Peace to you,
Chris
and the Secret Selves

Hi Chris - I don't know if I'll be here at exactly 1pm, but I am sending you some good calming thoughts, from the same time zone, a little bit south of you!

How did the talk go?

I am so sorry that you're going through all of this right now ! Words can not express.. I'm sorry that you don't feel supported and understood by your husband, and that his faith has made him so narrow-minded as opposed to loving and accepting, etc, what you need from him. Our partner is Christian, so we see it on different levels with her or her family.

My partner is fighting an aggressive stage 4 breast cancer right now, so your post hits home for us… When are you getting the potential lump checked out? Do you know what you'll do if it is the cancer again? Do you know about or have an opinion on conventional vs alternative treatments?

Take care..