Stalled in therapy (trigger warning)

Trigger warning: issues in therapy, mentions of violence and dangerous alters

Good evening everyone,

I would like to be less annoying with my various problems, but I sincerely need some input here ...

Those who have been following my various posts recently know that things have changed with regard to dissociative phenomena in my/our life, mostly a loss of communication and switching. The most annoying thing is that we have been stucked in psychotherapy for a month or so. Or rather I have been stucked there for a while.

During the last month, the twice-weekly sessions have consisted of either lighter work like venting, or attempting to contact other parts (most of the sessions). I used to form the biggest blocus toany kind of therapeutic effort with the fear of getting destabilized. Now that I have had to stop working and reduce my school schedule, I am much more open to the idea of therapy, but since then, we are stalled, by Supervisor, it seems. I do not understand why, and knowing the reason would make me feel better.

I of course don't know what to expect. I have been having intrusive thoughts and feelings of aggressivity, so I am opening myself to the possibility of an alter not too happy with things both present and past, yet there seems to be no new part to be found.

During most therapy sessions when we try to establish communication, it fails to work because Supervisor intervenes to ensure it does not work. And my energy levels get all over the place. In the end, it is quite draining. Also, Supervisor has taken increasingly severe measures to ensure we stopped trying to establish some form of contact between parts. Today, he stopped my breathing, until I stopped the attempt. I am guessing it is to make me fall unconscious, which would take a few minutes, and would admittedly be a way of ensuring that an attempt stopped. He has also warned that next time, the measures taken would be more extreme. I am wondering, how far can it go ? What is the extent of his capacities ? Could it put my life in danger ? It seemed like Supervisor could be an ISH but I am not so sure now ... I am quite certain he/it has his/its reasons though.

The more worrying aspect is that Supervisor assures me no switches beyond those authorized happen, but I am growing more and more uncertain about this. Some evidence points to the fact it may not be true. Could he be losing control ? He claims to be supervising the mind, controlling dissociation, all the time, so I am a bit worried if he lost control... what could happen ?

I have had the time to think about this and I have considered more extreme scenarios, like an alter who is violent and/or dangerous, or several of them. If that turns out to be the case, how do I react ? Maybe I'm being overly fearful here so I kind of need your opinion on that.

Anyway, thanks for reading the venting mess here and sharing your thoughts. Let's go to sleep, I have school in the morning.

The situation sounds tough.
Sounds as though your Supervisor is similar to someone in my system... he is controlling, supposedly has a lot of knowledge and authority in the system, but also dictates the actions of other alters and has his will imposed upon them. I've found (and truth be told, there is a lot of things I really don't know about him), that though he portrays an image of authority/control, things may actually be so out of control for him that he feels the need to maintain that facade. And working on "deeper" issues, I'm sure will bring a lot up for Supervisor that you may be unaware of. I hear you that it's hard not to know... but there is also a reason that you can't know (atleast that was likely the function of Supervisor's--and other alters'-- roles initially). I hope that you start to reap some clarity, or atleast some peace of mind(s).

Well, it definitely isn't getting better. I am not the host (who wrote the original post), I am more of his artistic side, but since I bear the body's name as well, I won't use it here. Normally, I'm only out when having a specific class and choir related activities, but I have been out for over 4 days now, which is unusual. I have communication with no other alter. I feel relatively normal, moodwise, although I admit I feel tired a lot.

I am suspecting something physiological altering our energy levels too, since both the host and me feel tired following similar patterns. I was supposed to see a doctor about some coordination and balance issues, but I have a few other questions to ask as well. Unfortunately, they lost my medical reference somewhere along the way to that department, and I will have to wait again. It sucks since the doctor had wrote about it being a high-priority case ... Next week, the doctor should send the reference again, and then we should be seen in 2-3 weeks instead of 4-7 months.

But things don't bode well for school-related workload, we've fallen behind in every class (except the one I attend for the host, since there are no homeworks in that class), and one of them includes a session-long team (of 2) project; my partner in that project also has issues of his own, and it really affects our ability to work on the project.

Let's just hope it ends well, but work to that end too.

- The artist

That sounds difficult and frustrating. If it was happening in our system, it would mean we'd gone into emergency mode. Usually that's about a big trigger, a bad person on the scene, or some inner conflict that has overheated badly. Basically 'somebody pulled the fire alarm'. Sometimes, it's as simple as we're getting sick or under too much pressure at work.

Hope you (artist) can hold on until it gets sorted out.

host person + Iain + Morgan

We know so little about our system, that I could not tell, nor could the host for that matter, if we are in some kind of emergency mode ...

There are several troubling symptoms of dissociation. but since we still look relatively fine (don't scratch the surface too much), there is no additional immediate help to be obtained.

I have read the host's post, and I cannot confirm nor infirm whether Supervisor tells the truth; I've lost time, but I can't know if the host got out or someone else ... Well, I just hope the host gets back by tomorrow morning, because although I am proficient in his domain of study (by virtue of being kind of a modified clone), it is not quite my cup of tea ... and my attitude could seem different. Let's wait and see, and not build too much pressure for nothing.

- The artist

"...since we still look relatively fine... there is no additional immediate help to be obtained."

Yeah, that's the usual bind. The worse it is, the better we look, so we don't get any help, so it gets worse and we look even better, so we're even less likely to get help, etc, etc.

All we can say is hang on artist. We're always amazed at how much we can pass for the host person without causing big problems. Remember even unitary people have ups and downs so everyone around usually just blames any variations on that. Hope your T can help sort this out.

I wrote all the school papers for our host person (who's a terrible writer) - but my name wasn't on the diploma - what a rip off!

Iain + host person

Hi Artist + lifepuzzle,

I thought I'd check and see how things are for you. Hope your host person is back and things are easier. I know how hard it is to manage when the host person is missing. We can do the host person's job, it's just difficult to make all those decisions all day long.

Hope things are better

Iain + host person

Well, he came back on monday morning for his classes. We finally got a partial explanation of why we are stalled in therapy, but I'm not quite sure if I am allowed or not to tell it.

Considering I am a "clone" of the host, with emphasis on our creative abilities (especially musical), I am able to handle the daily routine. Still, it was quite a surprise to see him gone for several days. The last time it happened, we had a major crisis and ended up at the hospital, so I thought that it could go that way, but finally, it did not. He was quite surprised when he woke up on monday morning, and was a bit confused and in shock, so I'm guessing Supervisor is right in slowing down progress.

Wow! Glad he's back. Sounds like Supervisor is taking care of you. That's good. Hope you avoid the crisis.

Iain + host person

Hi everyone !

Since the last time we posted, I have been back in charge. I have completely lost communication again, and the lack of energy, concentration and memory problems have made me seek more medical tests. I suspect something physiological might be going wrong, thus impeding in the process of healing. Unfortunately, it seems that the requests sent by my doctor got lost twice, so next week, I will get them from her directly and bring them to the appropriate departments.

My therapist has been on vacation since the last two weeks and is coming back next Tuesday, the day I will have a session with him. Meanwhile, I have met the psychiatrist, and he has prescribed me antidepressants and a sleeping aid. I do not meet the criteria for depression, but he says it could help with the energy. The sleeping aid is to me go to sleep at a more socially common hour. I don't really suffer from insomnia, however, I do have a tendency to get to bed late because my time-tracking abilities are ... perfectible at the moment. But, since I must take the pill at a precise hour, maybe it'll work.

That is pretty much all that is new.

- The host