Looking For Insight On A Sexual Experience

** This might be considered a TRIGGER **

You guys have helped me with my partners DID and I have learned a lot from your guys experiences.

I have an important question and not sure if this is inappropriate to ask. My partner after sex has opened up to me and told me she has been feeling a different sensation sometimes. She has been feeling this for awhile and its not all the time.

Last night she had an orgasm but was acting weird afterwards. She opened up to me and said she had an orgasm but it wasn't normal. She said it felt like it was someone else's orgasm. She says she could feel when I am about to orgasm and she thinks that's what it is .. but when I brought up the possibility of one of her alters having the orgasm she denied it and didn't want to talk about it anymore.

So my question is has anyone else experienced something like this? Is it possible for an alter to not front but still have the physical experience like that .. and my partner would feel the physical response such as an orgasm?

She also told me she has never experienced this before .. only with me. She is very honest and truthful with me about everything including the stuff with DID. Even her protector has told me that I'm different than anyone my partner has been with and that she truly loves me.

I also helped her become aware of her DID so it might just be an awareness thing too. Any info or experiences you guys have had would help. Thanks for all the support

Hi there,

Im River. I am the main Host and I am who meet my partner and wife. I have alot of gender identity problems because my main alter Sam is male and I am female. Now this is where is it gets difficult.
Whilst Sam never has sex with my wife, i still do gender dissociate and lose connection with the fact i am female and not male but retain the fact i am 'river' not anyone else.

I wanted to explain this because there are different types of dissociation and the sence of being detached from parts of your body but not being so far detached that you have switched to an alter is what i describe as depersonlisation. This is what i often feel during sex. My description could be more generaly described by another example by saying; at times if i am going to have the big O i cant feel it down there and the sensation can differ. It is not a bad different but it is a changed different.

I do know that what my partner and i have learnt over the years previous to my dx in nov 13' is that what ever happens is ment to happen and as long as you are both safe and make sure you are with each other all the way and lovingly reasuring the whole way. Dont be too worries.
We had to make adjustments in how we spoke to each other so that i would no depersonalise in a not nice way or an alter be triggered.

Your partner feeling weird is completly understandable. I used to feel like a complete freak because my body parts would morth away into the oposits gender and when it didnt do that at times , as much as i was enjoying myself i could not connect with what was happening or when it did happpen it felt different. The guilt and fear of feeling 'screwed up' some how. Its all natural and so are the experiences your partner is having. It is because the dissociative barriers are coming up and down and little sensations and sounds and feelings are getting through to different parts of your alters and memories and this in turn is making your brain turn off and on different pathways in your brain. Making your partner feel a little odd to say the least.

Like i said the trick is to go with it. When it went like that for me and my partner, my T said a great phrase that really helped. 'Why do you have to have the full roast dinner? You could just have the starter? or even the desert or the main!!. You dont have to have it all in one sitting' . We laughted because it was right. Take the pressure off and forget about the Big O maybe for the time being. I know that wasnt what you was saying in the post but it was just a thought we were having that we thought may help in the long term. Maybe just have the ice cream desert for now!

I hope that helps you, we have lots of different things going on in that department and it helps us to talk about it. Sam is a straight male. William is a gay male and I, River and a gay female. Interesting mix a :@) and 100% loyal to my gal. I say this because if you ever need to chat, you or your other half we will say it with out blushing so we can help.

all the best

sam, river, wil

Yes I understand what you mean. I'm male and my partner is a straight female. Her protector who I mostly communicate with and who she is closest to is straight male (funny stories there before I was fully aware of some switches). Her sexual alter (that's how I see her) is female but she has been on lock down because of the shame, guilt and trouble she has brought to my partners life before we met. My partner does her best to keep control in order to not mess things up between us .. even though I'm very open and understanding that somethings are just not controllable especially this early in her awareness.

I have met her sexual alter a few times but she just wants to go out and party (reminds me of a young teenager/adult). My partner is 37.

Her other two known alters are a 9 year girl who is very scared who I have met a few times and has tried to share memories with my partner about what happened to her but her protector always comes out afterwards and suppresses the memories. The last know alter is a very violent alter who my partner along with her protector keep on lockdown.

Sorry got a little sidetracked there with some history. But if it is an alter its most likely her sexual alter. I can't imagine the other 3. Unless its another nobody including her protector know about.

I'm so aware now that I can tell when they front and who is the one fronting. They no longer try to hide with me so their true personalities come out since they are not trying to be my partner. I have never noticed anything while being intimate but I do understand what you are saying about them being present without being in front. Thanks for the info

Hey there,

No worries. Dose your parter use a journal? Its just your post shouted out to River that her clsoing down and not wanting to talk about it shouts out guilt and shame. Maybe her writing in her journal would help her work it out.

Also, i am not sure how much you or whe knows about her abuse as her protector hides her memories from her. I am glad you got side tracked and wrote some history about your parter.

I am Sam by the way . The reason i am writing is because a huge part of the reason protectors like me are about is because we try and often out of the goodnes of our hearts for the best to hide things but actually it makes things worse. Over the past 5 months i have been working with our T to not do this and this has allowed River to realise a huge thing and i thought that maybe this might be why your partner has closed down from you.

There is some thing called 'body memories' or the technical term is Somatisation. This is when the bosy remembers things and the brains dose not. So people with DID can often be triggered by a tough or a smell or a sound and there bodies respond. They respond buy feeling the way they did when the abuser did the thing they did to them when ever the smell, sound or touch happened in the past.

During sexual abuse the body responds seperate from the mind. During sex in the present a touch can easily trigger a somatic/ body memory of the past. If your parter experienced an orgasum that felt strange and was follwed by guilt or shame it could be that it was a trigger for memories of sexual abuse during which an orgasum happened. I wanted to write this because it can be a big taboo of shame and guilt for abuse victims to about and often they do not realise that they were not in control of there bodies and stil are not.

Have you heard of body memories?

Maybe you could plan an evening of no contact TLC with your partner just a thought

Sam

p.s River said she thinks that you are being great by asking advice.

Thanks for the insight. I will write more when I have a chance.

Yes I have had long talks with her protector. Our history together started out with him pretending to be her and he tried to push me away big time. At the time I had no clue my girlfriend had DID and she didn't either. She had been experiencing time losses all her life but she figured something was wrong with her and never looked into it. He almost succeeded that night .. but my girlfriend and I have great communication and when I asked her why she said those things to me she confessed she doesn't remember saying them and that she has had a history of it ... she was hoping it would be different with me.

It wasn't until later that I found out she has been experiencing this big time and it had a huge negative effect on her kids who are teenagers now. We have since explained to them what their mother is going through but she still lets or doesn't have much control when they push her too far and her protector comes out and handles the discipline and talking to the kids.

Sorry rambled again (there is just sooo much I can talk about.) .. ok back to my history with the protector. After the first noticeable time loss incident I looked up some stuff on the net and came to the conclusion she had DID from the things she has told me about.

The next time it happened I was ready for it and didn't let it effect me personally. I still talked to her like she was her because I still wasn't clear on everything. The 3rd time it happened he was nasty and cruel like usual but I straight up asked him who I was talking to. I said I know you are not my girlfriend. After that and ever since he talks to me as himself and refers to my girlfriend in the 3rd person.

He eventually told me his name and I have since learned the other 3 alters names too. At one point I gained his trust and things were getting better and he stopped pushing me away.

I made a huge mistake though. I found out about some relationships my girlfriend had weeks before we met with multiple people that she never told me about. At the time I was being dumb and not even thinking about the DID thing and threw the whole trust and honesty thing in her face .. which was selfish and dumb. She since found out it was her flirtatious sex alter who was messing with these guys and ended up causing her so much shame, guilt and loss of self respect.

Her protector told me he had been hiding these things from her to protect her. He said I opened a door he can't close and would cause problems for my girlfriend. He was so angry with me and I lost all his trust. So now he is back to pushing me away. He told me he hides what the other alters do and what she does herself that might cause her shame or guilt.

Her protector told me my girlfriend has to learn stuff in order to fully understand. He said she has to understand her past to understand her recent past. He said she needs to start from the beginning. He said I ruined that by bringing up recent stuff.

He also gets mad if I talk about DID stuff with my girlfriend because it causes my girlfriend stress .. which I can see. He told me to just love her and be there for her. Which I have been doing. I made mistakes but its natural to try and help anyway you can for the one you love but I have since learned that she will do this on her own time and own pace. I just need to be there for her.

Because of this stuff with her protector it makes it hard to please them both Because she wants to know things and she wants my help ... but at the same time her protector doesn't want me talking about it period. Obviously she needs professional support but I know she will when she is ready.

So I'm happy there is this place I can go for help because a lot of times I can't discuss it with her unless she is willing to talk about it .. but even that has triggered so many things.

Sorry about going off topic with my above post. Just trying to explain the dynamic of my relationship and why at times its hard to understand somethings when I can't discuss them with her. Still curious about the orgasm thing .. to see if other DID people have experienced this. Wonder if I should continue to explore this idea of an alters sensation that she is feeling if it continues to happen.

Hi Startail. Thanks for the background information. As you probably know from reading other threads here, however bizarre your relatinship story may seem to most other people, for us it is very familiar. If I may offer a piece of advice? There are numerous good books about treating DID and most of them recommend against participating in keeping secrets among the alters in the system. Loyalty to one equals disloyalty to all the others.

Many people with DID grew up in families that kept secrets, and the secret keeping is part of their pathology and enabled the abuse and neglect they experienced as little children.

Now, about the original topic of this thread, your girlfriend's unusual experience during sex. I would interpret her experience as follows. She was not fully present in her body at that time. Instead, another alter was more present, more fully in the body, and that alter experienced the sex "first hand". Your GF was "co-present" and got the experience "second hand", kind of relayed from the alter. So your GF was not entirely in synch with what was happening in her body and thus the orgasm was not hers.

I know how that feels. I am the host in a DID system and sometimes I have company during sex with my husband and it is indeed weird. The weirdness is also quite varied, depending on which alters are involved and how they present relative to me. One time a female alter occupied just the right side of my body and I experienced second hand her experiencing sex with my husband for the first time. For me the experience was deeply memorable: paradoxical tenderness and novelty.

I can only relate my own experiences. I am positive diagnosed DID. Especially lately, with my SO, some of the Alt's have been friskier than others, but it's been in a co-concious way. It is very rare for an Alt to front during sex, but I have noticed that during some very intense orgasms, that different Alt's will front during the process. It's only during a more intense orgasm, and I find that the Alt that quickly fronts uses it as a means to expel extra energies stored up. For instance, my protector Alt, will front during the orgasm and experience it in a very dark and intense way...almost purging negative and harmful energies through the physical act and the exhaustive toll it can take.

I have been co-concious for all of these (at least I HOPE I have), and I have to say that when I finally get to a relaxed state I have found it has helped calm some of the inner turmoil. I have had a few experiences where, during orgasm, I am aware of more than one Alt switching out during it all, to experience the benefits of the physical (and mental and emotional) release.

To be completely honest, and not to sound crude, but sex is a big part of my safety plan. I find it helps my SO and I stay close, even during high stress times, it's good physical exercise, and it helps purge some of the clutter that is in the brain, that I may not be aware of. I find in times of higher stress, when I am alone, sometimes masturbation also helps calm the mind. I'll also add as a quick aside, that I am also diagnosed BPD, and sexual dysfunctions can be triggered, so it also helps keep my drive in check when I am looking for an "unhealthy outlet" (ie in a high state of trigger heading towards little control over switches and fronting).

One more thing, and this is tantamount, I have an AMAZING SO, and we discuss everything openly and very honestly, this helps keep us both in the know for desires, ideals, fears and coming up with plans to keep things flowing in a generally fluid and safe manner. We have discussed the issues of sex with Alters, or if an Alt presents wanting physicality...these are all important discussions to have with someone with DID. Better to know what everyone wants and expects than to fumble through it. And, DID/Singleton partnerships are just that, 2 people, both with needs and wants. it may help to really listen to the other persons thoughts as well.

I am not condoning going out and getting relief with anything someone can find lol, but it is definitely something that, with my exceptional SO, has become part of a healthy routine that is benefiting my whole system.

Hope that helps. I'm a bit fuzzy.

P.S. I also think, for those with DID, and having Alt's with a higher sex drive, or fantasy system in place, that safely engaging in communication about sexual wants/desires vs. safety and responsibility can lead to a better understanding of what all parties are looking for. Again, I can't stress enough Open and Honest communication.