Not sure if I belong here

  This is really long, and I'm sorry, I need to get it out and am looking for some support.

I started seeing my current T/Pdoc (one in the same) about five years ago, I discontinued care about 2.5 years ago due to an awful block and inability for me to communicate. I have gone back this past fall out of desperation.

The past couple of sessions we have been talking about how I loose time. He used words like dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization to describe them. He also said that it is fairly normal for most people to feel that way from time to time, and it isn't surprising for him that it seems to happen to me often considering what little he knows of my childhood. He also said that he believes that most people can function fairly fine even in such a state even if it is disturbing to the individual who experiences it. (He knows everything I can remember for the most part, it isn't much I used to think that most people have little memory before their adult life. I don't think he knows that he knows all I do.) I wanted to tell him more today, but I couldn't I was perilized with fear, addriline rushing, heart pounding fear.

So I sent this e-mail:
(Names edited for privacy)

You asked me today if I can write it and I didn't and still don't think I can, so I'm going to try this.

I don't know if I can get it out or even send it once I am done. The first person I told told me not to tell anyone or I would be locked up. The second person I told told me that they already knew that and drove me to (edit name of psychiatric hospital) to be evaluated. The doctors there told me I had schizoaffective disorder and gave me tons of pills that didn't do much good and I was then discarged to ( edit out patient mental health service name) and (name) medication clinic. My social worker at (edit out patient mental health service name) was really intent that I needed to get on disability which told me that they didn't believe that I could ever do anything with my life. When I would complain that the medications weren't working best case they would change them, worse case they would accuse me of not taking them. Nothing ever worked.  (edit husband's name) is the only other person I have ever told and he has accepted me as I am, loves me, and believes in me.
I'm afraid to tell you because I don't know how you will react. I really don't know if you already know, if I've told you, or if you are completely in the dark. Are you going to insist that I need antipsychotics again? Are you going to worry about my ability to care for my child? Are you going to decide that you don't know how to help me or that it is too much to deal with? Are you even going to believe me, because at times I'm not even sure if I believe it myself?
 
I guess I'm just going to have to take a leap of faith here because I'm about out of options. I've been keeping this a secret for too long, and even though I've been managing ok it is getting to be too much to carry again and am starting to feel really discongelled again.

I hear voices. They talk to me and even through me at times. They get loud sometimes to the point I can't hear or focus on the person in front of me talking. I almost feel as if they have the ability to take over my body and send me away. I feel crazy, and am afraid to let anyone else in on it.
 
Well, I got it it out. Let me know if you have any questions or clarification. Since my e-mail address is my name I'm going to assume that you know who this is from. I called (edit name of receptionist) and asked if you had an e-mail address I could contact you at, and she gave me this one. I hope it is ok as I didn't discuss sending you an e-mail. Maybe let me know that it has been received and isn't just floating around cyberspace, please?

He replied within about an hour:

Got the email. It is brave of you to tell me. I'm not in a rush to action of any sort. I think we can come to understand what you are experiencing, let's not judge any of this too quickly. I'm happy to continue to talk about this. 

See you soon,

If you have made it this far, bless you. I'm not sure if I belong here or not, but I need to talk about this as my next appointment isn't until next week. I don't know where to go from here, and so don't know what he is thinking from his reply. Any words of advice or comfort would be much appreciated. Questions for clarification would also be welcomed.

thatgurl wrote:I hear voices. They talk to me and even through me at times. They get loud sometimes to the point I can't hear or focus on the person in front of me talking. I almost feel as if they have the ability to take over my body and send me away. I feel crazy, and am afraid to let anyone else in on it.

This is a wonderfully exact description of the subjective experience of DID and DID-like DDNOS. It feels crazy, but it is not crazy. Not in the least.

You are very brave indeed to share this with your psychiatrist. Some, perhaps the majority, just don't get it or won't get it. Others understand it perfectly. I am hopeful that your psychiatrist will prove to be in this latter group. He has used the relevant key words dissociation, depersonalization, derealization.

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I really hope he gets it. It has taken me a long time to get to the point of being able to put any of it out there.I have a 2.5 year old little girl and a husband who works far away from home. My biggest fear is that he won't get it, think I am psychotic, and I'll lose my baby.

*edit to add information*
I don't know if this is a positive thing or not. My Pdoc/T is fairly young. He just graduated medical school in 2004. While I see him in his private practice he is also the residency director in the transition stage at the state's largest inpatient psychiatric hospital.

I honestly have zero recollection of my first visit to his office, only what my husband told me after. I apparently was having an episode. Doc told him that while he isn't sure yet what it is he doesn't think it is any type of shizophrina, and he doesn't believe that the meds are going to help me. My first visit with him was the first time that I saw anyone outside of the state run mental health system. Maybe this stuff would have been relevant for the first post...

thatgurl wrote:My biggest fear is that he won't get it, think I am psychotic, and I'll lose my baby.

That is a perfectly rational fear. Many of us have experienced the same fear. In most cases it is unfounded.

Perhaps I can help to ease some of your fear. First, in your posts so far I see no evidence of any psychosis. Like all dissociative disorders DID is not a psychotic disorder; DID frequently is bizarre, which is why it sometimes is confused with a psychosis. Second, even if you were psychotic, that wouldn't be enough reason to take away your baby. Many new mothers who are diagnosed with psychotic disorders nonetheless have custody of their babies. If your husband, family doctor, pediatrician, and others who have experience with you and your baby can attest that in their experience your baby is safe with you, then even if someone were to try to take the baby from you they would not get very far. Furthermore, you are receiving treatment. This also is entirely to your credit.

You mention states, which suggests you may be in the United States of America. If that is the case, then the Americans with Disabilities Act has protections for you. See National Council on Disability: Rocking the Cradle: Ensuring the Rights of Parents with Disabilities and Their Children

I am in the US, thank you.

Sat down and had a heart to heart with the hubby tonight. He was kind of confused. He thought that Doc already knew all this because apperantly I told Doc with him in the room.

thatgurl wrote:He was kind of confused. He thought that Doc already knew all this because apperantly I told Doc with him in the room.

Your husband was confused? How about you?

You may know this already but I think it is worth saying anyway: this is situation normal for DID. Here you have strong evidence for either dissociative amnesia or DID. The difference is that in dissociative amnesia you remain you during those episodes but in DID your system switches and some other part of you is in executive control. Does your husband think it was "you" who told the doctor?

I don't remember telling him. My husband is well aware that I don't remember the first couple of sessions andyes I guess he doest think it's me because it kind of is isn't it. I don't understand why he would act like my losing time and voices where news if he was already aware that it exists.

Who is acting like your signs and symptoms are new to him? Your husband, or your therapist?

My therapist.

-- Thu Mar 06, 2014 8:55 am --

thatgurl wrote:I don't remember telling him. My husband is well aware that I don't remember the first couple of sessions andyes I guess he doest think it's me because it kind of is isn't it. I don't understand why he would act like my losing time and voices where news if he was already aware that it exists.

This doesn't make much sence. I don't remember telling my T. My husband is well aware that I don't remember my first couple of sessions and even has said that I wasn't myself. Yes, he (my husband) does think it was me because it kind of is isn't it. I don't understand why my T would act like my losing time and voices where news if he was already aware. Sorry I am mobile and didn't proofread.

-- Thu Mar 06, 2014 8:56 am --

thatgurl wrote:I don't remember telling him. My husband is well aware that I don't remember the first couple of sessions andyes I guess he doest think it's me because it kind of is isn't it. I don't understand why he would act like my losing time and voices where news if he was already aware that it exists.

This doesn't make much sence. I don't remember telling my T. My husband is well aware that I don't remember my first couple of sessions and even has said that I wasn't myself. Yes, he (my husband) does think it was me because it kind of is isn't it. I don't understand why my T would act like my losing time and voices where news if he was already aware. Sorry I am mobile and didn't proofread.