What's your Story? *Possible Trigger*

Hi there!
First off, I want to go ahead and apologize if I offend anyone, friend/SO of, alter to, host of anyone with DID.
I do apologize if my wording is off or if the terminology is incorrect. I'm still figuring this all out.


As I've posted in another thread, I do not have DID, my boyfriend does.
He won't open up about it, no matter how much I try. I don't want to push him, but I also want to know what he's going through so that I can better support him.
He told me about his DID, Thanksgiving 2010
In January of 2011 I met (actually spoken to) 1 of his alters. He was very menacing and dark. Possibly the scariest laugh and tone I think I've ever heard.
If anyone has seen The United States of Tara, }
*spoiler alter if you haven't/Possible Trigger*
Tara's alter "Bryce" reminded me of my boyfriend's alter "Vladimir" The only one I've met , that I'm 100% aware of.

So, I'm really interested in hearing your stories. If you have DID, what do you go through on a daily basis? What is it like? Are you able to supress the others if you want?

If you know someone with DID, Have you ever encountered their alters? If so, how many? What was it like? How are you able to be a support and a comfort? How did you get them to open up about it?

Or just your life with DID or knowing/being with someone who has it. I want to know as much as I can about this, not just the text book definition, but what people really go through.

First of all- you should not ask people their stories or your SO. It's intrusive and triggering and vulnerable and not safe to just blurt it all out. Besides we could each write a book ab our stories. But with that said, I am glad u want to be supportive and understand DID better. Read posts and resources. Sidran institute is one of the best online resources.

Parts,alters, ego states are protective and not all memories are even available.

How to be supportive- love, understanding, patience, sincerity. Not needing to know every detail but listening if it comes out. Trying to prevent triggering. Taking care of yourself and not getting too absorbed in the DID.

That's a start. The forum is great to answer all those questions. Life is very different for us. Depending also where u r on the spectrum and how co con u r makes a diff in your life.

DID is disruptive, confusing, draining, scary, amusing, challenging, and stigmatizing.
Not something you choose. Finding help is very hard and expensive, but a good T is worth. Their weight in gold.

Too many questions to answer directly- I hope forum helps. Find a few people similiAr to your SO and track their posts back so u can get a clearer pic of he ups and downs.

Kudos to u for finding forum and being there.

TRIGGER WARNING FROM START

Hi there- Ms.B223 brb regarding your post in a mo.

Luvmycats-There is more than one way to fry an egg and goodnes knows i dont scamble or fry mine the prefect way either.

First off, I want to go ahead and apologize if I offend anyone, friend/SO of, alter to, host of anyone with DID.
I do apologize if my wording is off or if the terminology is incorrect. I'm still figuring this all out.

Thats from B223

First of all- you should not ask people their stories or your SO. It's intrusive and triggering and vulnerable and not safe to just blurt it all out. Besides we could each write a book ab our stories. But with that said, I am glad u want to be supportive and understand DID better. Read posts and resources. Sidran institute is one of the best online resources.

That is from you - i'd hate to of thought what you would of wrote if she hadnt said up front that she apologizes if she offends! I can completly understand that you want to protect people with DID but i would like to speak for myself.

I felt the need to point some thing out to you because you seemed to be triggered so much It's intrusive and triggering and vulnerable and not safe to just blurt it all out Ms. B223 did not blurt your story all out and it seems like that just the thought of it has triggered you big style and it is that trigger that you have acted on.? I wanted to put it out there because i myself can understand reacting to a trigger without knowing it first.



Hi B223 ( where dose that name come from lol, are youa librarian

He won't open up about it, no matter how much I try. I don't want to push him, but I also want to know what he's going through so that I can better support him.
He told me about his DID, Thanksgiving 2010
In January of 2011 I met (actually spoken to) 1 of his alters

Im glad that you wrote this because some times peoples NEED to help can push people and OUT WAY there NEED TO HEAL. The reason i quoted that bit was because the time gap seemed to tell me that at least you wasnt pushing him.

It must have been very scary for you. I know i have read another of your thread and knowing a bit about what you your self have been through it must have been hard for you to handle. We all have problems if it be DID or a bad case of the sniffles and it can all effect us in different ways.

So, I'm really interested in hearing your stories. If you have DID, what do you go through on a daily basis? What is it like? Are you able to supress the others if you want?

If you know someone with DID, Have you ever encountered their alters? If so, how many? What was it like? How are you able to be a support and a comfort? How did you get them to open up about it?

Or just your life with DID or knowing/being with someone who has it. I want to know as much as I can about this, not just the text book definition, but what people really go through.

The questions you asked next i think was a snap shot of what is going through your mind! I just quoted one lot on here.

Are you alone with these questions? What i mean is, have you been able to talk about you BF with any one else because i can imagine you writing this post not taking a breath?

We have read you post, over and over since it has been up but have not been able to answer it because the amount of questions are very intence. Thats not an insult its just an observation and maybe why luvmycats got a bit up set because it triggered so much to do with the condition. The question because they came from your heart, not your head were very emotive, where as if you used text book terminology i expect a different reaction.... but i dont know! i am just think and to be honest that is my role in our system and honestly we were asleep and some parts of still are. I was awake and picked up the phone and saw that you had written a post. We responded to one of your posts with a different part once and we wanted to help you because it seemed you could do with some help from a thinking part, this time round.

Any ho. The questions.

If you have DID, what do you go through on a daily basis? What is it like? Are you able to supress the others if you want?


These are the questions that really apply to us. What luvmycats said about not being able to tell you full information because different alters have different information is totally true. That is the nature of DID.

I give a run through on the past week what i thought had happened and then what i found out had happened! (via my partner - so your getting the from a person who lives with a DID'er as well)

So I go to sleep with my partner every night but each night i will get up and down between 5 and 20 times. The reasons for this will differ. Most of the time it can be because different alters are triggered by sleep and want to get up to go to the toilet because they want to check everything is ok in the house but dont realise they dont need to. Some times it just because they want to pet and animal other times because they want to go on the phone, eat or because theya re going to try it on with the wife (which never works btw!!lol) So i will wake up in different places with half eaten food, doing different things, with differnt animals in my hands, hitting my self on my head with my phone etc.... almost every night.....

During the day....... I will have large memory gaps........i start the day with a plan, like most people. I set goals. I am an artist. I do my art, i watch some tv, i write some texts maybe. For example this week i have text my mum each day. I have limited mobility and cant do much so im not just lazy so not going to list much else.

What i find out is that i havent text my mum each day, i have text her two days, i havent done any art, i havent watched any programes i thought i had i'd been watching start trek and buffy!!! News to me!!! O and i had spoken to my mum on the phone ( news to me) cancelled sunday dinner (my wifes favourite meal) im in the dog house (not really) I ate all the sweets i could get my hands on including the kinder eggs!!

You can understand why the days are hazzy and they always have been post and pre dx. From my point of view i have never been able to hold it all in, ive just never know what it all ment and people have just always accepted it as me and put it down to me being 'arty'..... im sure they have used other words!!!!

I have nice sides, i have protective sides, i have good sides and child like sides... from the out side unless you get up close i look like every one else. Then dont most people? Except for the mowhawk, the twiching, the shouting and nipple tweaking...opps who said that.....LOL

I apologize. I did not even realize I was responding so harshly or triggered by the post, but I obviously was. My SO drilled me nonstop and demanded answers to the point of causing me a lot of emotional harm for months. Getting him to back off and allow the T to do his job was anything but an easy task.

I'm sorry

Ms.B223 wrote:He won't open up about it, no matter how much I try. I don't want to push him, but I also want to know what he's going through so that I can better support him.
He told me about his DID, Thanksgiving 2010

He may not be able to open up about it, at least not yet. The alter who told you he has DID may not have been the host alter, the one you relate to as a couple, but some other alter (an insider) who was able to come out only just long enough to share this much with you. Don't push; usually that just increases resistance.

To learn about DID as it is experienced by those who have it, probably your best option is to read memoirs by multiples. My favorite is Dr. Robert Oxnam's memoir. Or just follow our threads here.

You mention the TV series United States of Tara. Please understand that the internecine conflict in Tara's system does in fact occur in some DID systems, but it is not healthy. A lot of details about Tara's system were authentic, for some systems. Unfortunately that does not mean the series is a healthy model for anyone with DID.

Is your boyfriend working with a counselor or therapist?

Luvmycats wrote:My SO drilled me nonstop and demanded answers to the point of causing me a lot of emotional harm for months. Getting him to back off and allow the T to do his job was anything but an easy task.
quote]


I don't want to push my SO, and I don't want to push anyone else for that matter.
I should've worded this post differently.
My only intention was to get information on what happens day to day, or different things that may or may not trigger, or little signs to show the person has switched.
I did not mean to imply that I wanted to know why it happened. I have a basic text book understanding of DID, but I feel as though it's not a realistic portrayl of what really happens day to day, or what the person really goes through..

I want to clearly state, that if anyone is uncomfortable giving information or even talking to me about how they handle their DID, that's perfectly fine. I don't want to push anyone or make anyone uncomfortable!

Una+
He may not be able to open up about it, at least not yet. The alter who told you he has DID may not have been the host alter, the one you relate to as a couple, but some other alter (an insider) who was able to come out only just long enough to share this much with you. Don't push; usually that just increases resistance.

To learn about DID as it is experienced by those who have it, probably your best option is to read memoirs by multiples. My favorite is Dr. Robert Oxnam's memoir. Or just follow our threads here.

You mention the TV series United States of Tara. Please understand that the internecine conflict in Tara's system does in fact occur in some DID systems, but it is not healthy. A lot of details about Tara's system were authentic, for some systems. Unfortunately that does not mean the series is a healthy model for anyone with DID.

Is your boyfriend working with a counselor or therapist?

Ms.B223 wrote:He won't open up about it, no matter how much I try. I don't want to push him, but I also want to know what he's going through so that I can better support him.
He told me about his DID, Thanksgiving 2010

He may not be able to open up about it, at least not yet. The alter who told you he has DID may not have been the host alter, the one you relate to as a couple, but some other alter (an insider) who was able to come out only just long enough to share this much with you. Don't push; usually that just increases resistance.

To learn about DID as it is experienced by those who have it, probably your best option is to read memoirs by multiples. My favorite is Dr. Robert Oxnam's memoir. Or just follow our threads here.

You mention the TV series United States of Tara. Please understand that the internecine conflict in Tara's system does in fact occur in some DID systems, but it is not healthy. A lot of details about Tara's system were authentic, for some systems. Unfortunately that does not mean the series is a healthy model for anyone with DID.

Is your boyfriend working with a counselor or therapist?

No he doesn't anymore. He didn't like when his therapist would make him switch, cause he couldn't get him switched back by the end of the session. (at least this is what I was told when he first told me about his DID)

And honesly I never thought that it could've been another alter.
The thing that ran through my mind was, maybe he was trying to scare me off. And it didn't work... So, I really don't know what else to do or expect.

I just recently brought it up, since he went 3 years without mentionening it at all. I'm not trying to push him to open up about his past or what happened, I just want to know when he switches or what it's like on a daily basis. He couldn't even talk to me about it after he switched. Just insisted that his phone was turned off for the 3 days his alter was out and said he never called or talked to me...
And now he just keeps pretending that the others don't exist.
He has mentioned that he's scared it'll start a whirlwind of switching that he doesn't want to happen, so I quit asking. I don't want to pressue him, or anyone else for that matter

Hi Ms.B,

I'm still here and would be happy to try to help you in any way that I could. My BF has DID and I've known him for a long time. I think it's terrific you want to help your SO, and of course doing a lot of reading is a great way to learn about DID. I understand you'd like to get first-hand accounts, and that's where we come in.

Every system is different though, so you just keep searching until you find circumstances that are similar to yours. There are a lot of systems that are similar. A great place to start would be in the information section of this forum, there's a terrific thread, sorry I don't know how to reference it, but it tells all about different types of alters.

In MY situation, it was best not to directly ask about what happened to my SO. Instead, on the few occasions that HE brought it up, I sat patiently with him and just listened. Sometimes that's the very best thing you can do, is to listen, to not judge, and to take the time to just be there for that person. That's the time to gently ask any questions, when HE brings it up...and if it gets uncomfortable, then don't ask any more. You may feel your SO will never bring it up, but he may very well do so. In the meantime, tell him you're always there for him, to listen if he ever needs to talk about anything, and then keep that promise.

To answer your question in your first post, yes I have encountered many alters. In OUR situation, the alters aren't that obvious until you realize whom you're speaking with. There are a couple, of course, that are very different from each other, and of course Vladmir sounds like your guy's protector. His job WOULD be to push you away until he trusts you. My guy's protector was very STERN with me; I think he likes me now, and trusts me, but only in his own way. But when alters come out, I would never, EVER ask them why they are there. That is just the way the system works, and for whatever reason an alter pops out when he or she pops out, then you relate to that alter. They can come out because they feel triggered, or because they're bored, maybe they just want to say hi! Any number of reasons. Please work hard to make all of them feel respected, no matter who is out. Enjoy your time with each one.

If you stop trying so hard to figure out why each one is out and why they were created (and I know it's tempting, I've been there!) in time they will tell you, it will become obvious to you.

If I can help you, feel free to message me, I'll do the best I can to help. And the information I'm giving you here, is only from my own personal experience.

Hi Ms. B.

First, I want to address talking about DID with SO's.

I've known about my DID for just over two years now. I've been married for 20, 18 at that time. It was incredibly difficult to tell my husband my suspicions of DID. At that time I did not have a "proper dx." Didn't really need one....after researching DID, it was actually a relief to have something concrete to categorize all the issues that had plagued me my entire life. My husband was very receptive to hearing my suspicions and reading about DID for himself. For him, it helped explain why his wife "is multi-faceted." The dx was confirmed after finding a decent therapist. However, my relief over finding out about DID did not make talking about it with my husband at will an easy process. It resulted in triggering my system to massive panic as they had been programmed to never talk, never tell, and always hide the multiplicity. After each conversation, which always seemed to go well at the time, I was bombarded with thoughts that he was going to leave me, abandon me, shame me, lock me up in a hospital somewhere, etc - the etc being something horrible. The backlash was immense and resulted in a massive destabilization for days after the conversations. After the "secret" comes out does not mean any continued discussion about it will be any easier. For me, every reveal has its own torments in the aftermath. As I write this, I can see how harshly my system has been programmed to conceal. If a secret is revealed, it is of utmost importance to "act normal" so that none of the abandonment, or worse, can happen. It is a delicate process. Very delicate. My husband, as the SO, can participate in what he thinks to be a very supportive conversation, and when it ends, for him, it is over until the next one. For me, the person with DID, the consequences of that conversation can take on a whole horrendous spiral of events, most of which will be concealed from my husband until they subside.

In the first year of therapy, I brought my husband in on a few occasions and that brought about a massive spin program that left me ready to vomit in the session. Very triggering. Just awful! But we got through it. And the system began to slowly learn that all the consequences of "telling" were not coming upon them. And trust was built because of that. The main concern is safety, always safety. In order for any part of the system to risk safety by disclosing something, there must be some level of trust.......OR.......a host who is a risk-taker....that'd be me. But I have a wonderful protector who truly wants to heal so I have "help" in the aftermath. It took some time to figure that out, but when I did, it really helped speed up the conversation process and break down some walls of fear and spin programming.

Now, just over two years into therapy, I have my husband attend one session every month and the apprehension before and backlash after have become very minimal. He commented that he has noticed how much easier it was on "us" to have him there. How much more we could share and how much easier it was for us after.

All of that to say that conversing about DID with a DID'er HAS to be a delicate process. And it helps immensely if the DID'er is in therapy because then they are forced to "work" with their system. There is some accountability is what I mean. Without a T, it is much easier to make a few disclosures here and there and then spend years trying to forget and be "normal" again.

Now, as far as day to day goes, you will find that the experience varies because no two DID systems are alike. In my system, I am always aware of what is going on. I do not "lose" time. My parts may co-present with me as host and do so all the time. Thus, the "switches" are expecially covert. My therapist is usually aware that she is speaking with different parts during each session based on posture, minor voice changes, pitch changes, or speed of language. All very minor. Sometimes she says she can detect the "energy change." But in my husband's case, he is never aware because we've been together so long and the switches are not overt. He thinks they are all "me." And they are, and they aren't. In a nutshell, what my therapist sees as obvious because she is watching for it and isn't desensitized to it, my husband never notices. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes we find it annoying. Only one part has introduced herself to my husband over the last two years and that was by rote. Other than that, sometimes I alert him that a new part has surfaced and is "with me" and sometimes I don't. Just depends on the part's comfort level. With all this said, having a system that co-presents has it's drawbacks. While I do not lose time, I do have an odd sense of time. When I do certain tasks, the parts who assist me leave when that task is completed and when they leave, I am left with a 2d sense of the activity. And also a feeling that I did the activity "yesterday" even if it was only an hour ago. When I resume the activity, I feel like I "just" did it five minutes ago. These feelings can be crazy-making if you don't fully know why they happen. Now that I know, I have a little more "control" over them. Here's an example that I think is pretty cool. I was helping my son do a science lab where he needed to drap a topographical map. He said he could not draw well so I did the drawing. Or rather, my mapper part drew the map. This was great up until the place where my son had to answer questions regarding the map, none of which he knew how to answer without some help. I read the questions and realized "I" had no idea how to answer them either. So I told him to take a break for 20 minutes while I made some coffee. In that time, I thanked my mapper and asked if there was another part who could come help my son answer the questions. About ten minutes later, I felt the urge to read the questions again and BAM, they were SO easy. Another part had come forward who could easily help. It was pretty amazing to experience. This happened several months ago but it feels like years to me. At any rate, I feel like I have an amazing system and I try not to get caught up in the fact that the timeline of my day feels consistently off.

A lot of the early process of DID is learning about your system and finding your place in it. Even that is a balancing act at times because "I" don't have a manual to figure out how my sytem works. It is a lot of trial and error. What's good for one part may hurt another. What some like, some hate. Some want to heal and others don't. These extremes result in an "annoyed" feeling which I carry with me throughout the day. It is very frustrating to know something is "wrong" but not know what "it" is. It can be days before someone inside discloses what was wrong. But even this aspect has improved with mindfulness and continued checking the atmosphere inside. I try to spend a couple hours a day with me, myselves and I so I can feel and listen to what is going on inside.

What can an outsider do at the beginning? Don't push but don't pretend it's not there either. My husband would tell you that the hardest part is not knowing when it's okay to do something and when it's not. He felt like he was on trail for quite some time and he absolutely was.

The hard truth is that others cannot fix this for us. We have to do the work ourselves. Patience is a virtue, and not one I have much of, but it is most needed. To support people, I'd say don't smother, but don't ignore either. Be prepared to make mistakes. Those seem unavoidable for all parties. Educate yourself as best you can but do so knowing that your SO has to commit to healing himself and there's little you can do to speed that decision up. Take care of YOU. If there was one thing I could "force" my husband to do, it'd be to see his own therapist regularly. I am in therapy and he occasionally comes along, but I am not sure how much of this he actually processes in the grand scheme of things. If you are in a committed relationship with a DID'er, I think you should have your own therapeutic support as well. I could write a huge post about the reasons why I chose to marry my husband and speculate about why he chose to marry "multi-faceted' me. In short, we were each attracted to a similar brokenness. My husband may not have DID, but he carries many sorrows of his own past. Just another thing to ponder......

Patience and Rayn have given very thoughtful, sensitive, and detailed responses. So I'll just address a couple of small items.

Ms.B223 wrote:My only intention was to get information on what happens day to day, or different things that may or may not trigger, or little signs to show the person has switched.

We understand. But that is pushing. Those little signs you want him to tell you about he doesn't even know himself. How could he? Most of him isn't even there, and even if he were all there, very few people are self-aware enough to know their own triggers and signs. You, as his SO, are the world expect on what those little signs are. So just watch him, and pay attention.

Ms.B223 wrote:He didn't like when his therapist would make him switch, cause he couldn't get him switched back by the end of the session.

We hear that a lot on the DID Forum. That is not good therapeutic practice, and I think your boyfriend was absolutely right to stop working with that person.

Ms.B223 wrote:The thing that ran through my mind was, maybe he was trying to scare me off.

Maybe. Sometimes when a multiple does one thing they have two or more reasons for doing it, and the reasons can be mutually incompatible. We may in a single statement both ask for help and try to scare off the other person. I know I do this. If someone I interact with closely is going to react badly to learning I am a multiple, I prefer that to happen sooner than later. I prefer that it happen before I invest much in the relationship, or get more attached to the person.

Ms.B223 wrote:He has mentioned that he's scared it'll start a whirlwind of switching that he doesn't want to happen, so I quit asking.

He has experienced the "revolving door" and he doesn't want to experience it again. I can relate; it is really awful to be so out of control and feel so helpless, even if nothing bad actually happens as a result. A therapist with appropriate skills could really help him with this.

DID Forum: Revolving Door

When we first discovered my SO's DID, we both did and continue to do a lot of research and reading and learning. One of the best articles/stories that I have come across that specifically address the role of the Significant Other to a person with DID is called 'The Significant Other's Guild to Dissociative Identity Disorder' and can be found here:

www.toddlertime.com/dx/did/did-guild.htm

I found it very useful, especially in the beginning. I will still reference back to this article when I find that I'm struggling with what my role needs to be, and the best way be a support to my SO.