Lost Contact With Protectors

Hey there ev31,

I have had so much going on with our system the last couple of months. None of it has been negative, all of it has been progress but all of it has been very straining on the old reserves of energy. I would rather is all be happening though , than be back where we was at our first post in november 2012.


Ok. Some of you, a lot of you were very kind and helped with MR WISPA EKO, who turned out to be a very scared child alter who was pretending to be a very scarey adult alter.
Below is the link about Eko for ne1 who didnt know.

dissociative-identity/topic134995.html


POSSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING



How on earth do i expalin this -

Basically all this stuff with Wispa got Sam and Jake all shoken up.

So who are Sam and Jake?

Sam is my orignal alter, been with me since i can remember memories.
Sam is my original protector/ no memories of abuse/ always dealt with gender.
When I became aware of sexaulity
Jake was created to be my new protector ( my current thinking is i see sexuality as a
being somethiing that would put me in danger so sam could no longer have this function and protect me in other ways). Jake has no sexual role. Jake and Sam are Male. Our body is female

Visually - just as an extra they are twins ans have always aged with me.




Right so now i have that sorted here is the thing - when 'I' who ever I am because to be fair I am not sure, anyway, when i got really scared. Sam and Jake wanted to explain for some reason, that i cant remember now why if they intergrate things would be better.

I remember that a little while b4 that, about a week or some thing ( what are days or hours after all!!) sam took my hand and i then our hands started to disapear into each other.... it freaked me out so much.

NEWAY..... Sam and jake said they would show me, if it was ok with me what it would be like if they intergrated but they wouldnt stay like. When i said enough, that would be it. If i was ok with it, the next step would be them stepping forward


O WAIT I REMEMBER!!!!!!!!

All this was because i was so scared of talking to mr..to scrap that...

any way, they would step forward into me and integrate with me. I would then be able to feel what it is like to be one with them for as long or as little as i want.......


I remember it all..... it all happened..... it was all so strange, all so peacefull and i felt so confident and at rest. When i felt them step back from me, i saw only one of them ( remember they are twins) they didnt un-intergrate but that was fine because i know it was because i had accepted that i knew i could feel all of them even though i could see only one of them and that even though they had a sexuality , they could still be my protector.

I lost them.........

I cant find them........

I dont know there name.......

I have looked for them.......

I have dressed in there clothing (litually) because they cross dress us but nothing.....

i can feel them in the distance but nothing else..........

I am so worried because i am visiting my parents next week and i reply on sam and jake to be there for me and my littles. I feel so responcible for my litttles, i kind of feel exposed and thats not nice when going to visit the one person responcible for 99% of all the trauma you recieved in your life.

I dont know what to do, i am so sorry for the post its so stupidly long. I hope it made sence enough for people to have read it and got to this point and for you to some how help because i am very very stressed. I dont know how to find them.


They are not even writing on here!!

help?

This was to let you experience what it would be like to be integrated, right? I've seen on other threads where integration has happened for others that the same thing happens to them: they can't sense the alters anymore but the thing is that they are always there, just you've become one with them. I think maybe something that's keeping them from coming back is the fact that you're freaking out and trying to force the unintegration. I think you should just try to relax and they'll come back when they are ready and I'm sure before you go to your parents since they know how much you rely on them during that time.

You mean , like breath? lol.

I've been putting it out of my mind for days and days. It wasnt until i reaslised i had lost about 3 days that i started to get freaked because i then reaslied the visit to parents was closer and T appointment was closer......

yeah....calm..... so difficult to be calm with 3 littles- 2 of which are so petrified and get worse when i am stressed...blinking circles!


thank you, i know your right- just got to do it which is the hard part!

Hey River,

Don't know what is going on with you. I wish I could give you a theory or techniques to help you find them, but I don't know any.

However, I know you, I've read you. I know you're brave, and strong. You're gone through so much, and are still going on. So you can do it.

Remember that some days ago you wrote you were thinking about leaving, and suddenly realized that you had to stay for one another?

I can hardly imagine what could it be like to face the one responsible for that much of the trauma. But you're not the same you were, you have developed tools, and absolutely you can be there for your littles.

I don't know whether Jack or Sam will be there when the time comes. But besides what you are, and what you have survived on your own, and will continue to; you have an excellent partner and therapist; and you have us here, to read you.

So try to stay strong, and remember how much you've done.

Thinking of you.

Sea

Dear Violar and Sea

You are both forever a source of strenth, wisdom and insight.
Ocassionly you even make sence ONLY JOKING!!

Thank you both so much for helping us,
You both had so much of an impact the past couple of days.

Viola. When i first read your post you gave me the confidence to face the day ahead and know that others had faced there days and that there alters had come back. It is so strange because it is one thing telling some one else, 'its ok, they are there, they never LEAVE you, they are never LOST' it is another thing convincing the alters in your own system of that fact. Its all well and good, when it is the alter that is confident in the knowledge they have but what about the others that expereince the emotions. A whole other bull game!

Sea. You are so honest and that i respect a lot and that is why our system is always willing to listen to you. You were very kind to say those good things about us being brave and strong, it helped us alot.

Remember that some days ago you wrote you were thinking about leaving, and suddenly realized that you had to stay for one another?

Reading this really helped because it really grounding in. Reminding me that they are me and I am them and that we can not leave each other because it is impossible!! d'oh! Good bit of common sence really worked in our favour, if you ment it that way or not.

I can hardly imagine what could it be like to face the one responsible for that much of the trauma. But you're not the same you were, you have developed tools, and absolutely you can be there for your littles.

This was the part that hit home the most. When we wrote the post, it wasnt the same part of us that read your reply. We dont know what part is what half the time. It hit home why we was panicing so much and also why we had gone into SECRETE mode! We hadnt told our partner any of this about sam and jake leaving. Which is really odd.

This is normally a sign that Elliott is acting up front ( our little )He must of been the one most aware that we were seeing our dad and was keeping it secrete that our protectors were missing in action because he felt vunrable. No wonder our tale was in a spin, acting from an abused child perspective.


We told our partner yesterday evening and she really helped. We cant remember much but she talked us through some things and got us to picture sam and jake (as they are twins) and we coudnlt) then it was like we grabed hold of him/them. We had an empty life size modle of them in our safe house. We felt so much better because we could see them and feel them. Al though we couldnt put it all together we felt so much secure that it would come back together and 'I', one of the river folk felt back in contol and calm again. Grounded!!!

Within ten/ fiften minutes the wife was fast asleep and sam/jake was back in one body. One body because they had intergrated and were staying intergrated. There new name was Sam.J. Original A

The thanks i have you both I can not describe.

How strangers, who know so much about each other, yet nothing can give so much time and help for each other, is amazing. It feels my soul with all the good stuff of life!!!

So, so happy for you!