DID Spouses

Efragment wrote:A second opinion, kittensuppies, why on earth? Why would any of this be 'proof' of her not having this condition?

If your daughter mixed a to her scary thing on tv with a 'real life' memorie, the most important thing still is that she apparently was very scared by 'tornado' (or by something else that day). Ofcourse you validate those feelings. Always.

Thank you, Efragment. I was about to say the same thing.

Kittenspuppies, you have a way of saying things that triggers me almost every time. I know that when we have pursued the disagreement in the past and sorted it out, it has sometimes come down to semantics, or just that you have a way of thinking that works for you, and the way that you share it comes across to me as if you're saying that everyone should think that way (which I don't think you intend).

kittenspuppies wrote:I certainly wouldn't validate feelings if that trauma never actually occurred...

...Would I validate her memory of us actually being in the tornado - absolutely not. Was I going to reinforce any strong feelings due to falsely having a memory of actually being in a tornado - absolutely not.

There is a BIG difference between validating a feeling and reinforcing it. Validating a feeling usually helps to decrease the intensity of it, which is the opposite of reinforcing it. Of course you wouldn't validate the memory of something that didn't occur. But I don't understand at all why you wouldn't validate that tornadoes are scary, that it's very scary to think about the idea of being in a tornado, that it's scary to see a tornado, even if it's just on TV.

We're talking about not confronting a memory as being false if someone is adamant about it, but acknowledging the REAL feeling that they are having at the moment, and wanting to help them with the feeling.

I would step away from any disputes about what you believe or disbelieve, and focus on what you know and don't know.

You don't know if what she experienced happened or not. You do know that you don't remember events happening to her while you were present, that she remembers happening.

If you want to discuss believing and disbelieving, you might start with this: Do you believe she is telling you what she remembers? That is, do you believe she is not lying?

Una+ wrote:Do you believe she is telling you what she remembers? That is, do you believe she is not lying?

That's not a straightforward answer, she can believe she's telling the truth so she isn't lying but it isn't necessarily true.

There is about 80% of what she says I truly believe especially from her childhood. The more recent stuff when I know she has been safe and away from her family I believe less so. As I said I'm ok with that, however what's difficult is when these recent memories disrupt and negatively impact our present day life where there are no real physical threats.

Latest update today, things seemed a little better this morning until the switching started before we were due to see the therapist. She switches from herself then into deep thoughts where she isn't listening to anything I say, then very angry then sad and then back to herself.

She doesn't trust anyone but myself but thinks that "they" are trying to control me.

I had high hopes the therapist today would help but she left half way through the session not wanting to go back because she doesn't trust her. This is a therapist she has seen on and off for years.

I don't know what to do next other than to try and persuade her to see her psychiatrist. That's going to be difficult though because she trusts the psychiatrist less than her therapist.

Is it possible that this is something other than DDNOS? Can someone have DDNOS and be Bipolar for example?

survivordid wrote:Is it possible that this is something other than DDNOS? Can someone have DDNOS and be Bipolar for example?

It's definitely possible to have other conditions along with DDNOS or DID.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds very tough. Wish I had more I could say to help.

survivordid wrote:She switches from herself then into deep thoughts where she isn't listening to anything I say, then very angry then sad and then back to herself.

Just wanted to say something regarding this sentence. They're all herself. All the parts are still your wife, she is the complete package. Not just the one you like / the one you're familiar with.

V2

Please talk to a T for yourself, survivordid; not only her memories and flashbacks cause denial on your end, so does her diagnosis; all you describe fits the DDNOS/DID crisis she is in. Wondering if there might be something else going on, is just as alarming as obsessing about the 'truth' of her memories without adressing the realness of her feelings. Big red flags. You both are in a bad place; you again don't have to be an expert, but this situation is véry damaging for her.

I would not validate feelings based on false memories. Validating the feelings does not diminish the feelings - it reinforces them. The person may look calmer with validation but the feelings are still there - only now etched more in cement.

Reinforcing that the memories are not true allows the person to question the intensity of their emotions and down-regulate.

A false memory can generate the emotions simply because the memory is believed.

I could imagine a dragon is after me and start running around in fear and panic. If someone were to validate my feelings - it would only serve to make the dragon more real. And the more real the dragon became, the stronger my feelings would become.

kittensuppies, you're turning this into a 'this is all about false memory' thing and that's very ignorant, triggering and inappropiate in this discussion about a person in the middle of a DDNOS/DID crisis; usually filled with flashbacks, such crises. Do you know what flashbacks are? And how one can have a very hard time seperating the here and now and the trauma when reliving it? Stop blaming the victim in your posts, please, because you very often do, on this website for people who have ALL at at least one point in their lives heard that they were making it all up.

It is not his place, nor any therapist's place, to judge his wife's memories true or false. It may not even be her place; if she is in a DID crisis then she is getting all kinds of weird information and some of that information may be out of context.