DID Spouses

Hi

First Post.

As a spouse to a survivor with DID/DDNOS who is still to be diagnosed but who is diagnosed with CPTSD from childhood trauma I'm struggling. My wife is going through her third severe crisis now with non stop flashbacks that sometimes last weeks.

The first time she had a crisis was traumatic for the both of us because we just didn't know what was happening when I noticed her switching but now that we have found adequate support and therapy it's a little easier to cope when a crisis does happens again.

The biggest difficulty I am having though is when she recalls memories from flashbacks and in particular those where I am in them or I was in the vicinity at the time. Her version of some events I know for a fact just didn't happen and I know they feel real to her and that they come about through fear and anxiety it's getting to the point where its pushing our friends and my family away.

I've tried not challenging my spouse and just keeping quiet but that just seems to make things worse as the recounted events get increasingly elaborate and far fetched. I've also tried asking her to not recount memories where I am in them and just to write them down or talk it over with her therapist but she keeps on telling me the memories.

How do you cope when the fear and anxiety gets so high that it distorts memories and reality of a spouse?

Your spouse needs to understand that you are experiencing stress as well.

I would suggest going with her for a therapy visit - talk about the inaccuracy of her memories and the stress this is causing you.

Also, if you have not met the therapist before, this would give you a chance to meet the person guiding your wife.

Don't allow your needs to get lost - this would eventually put a great strain on you and the marriage.

You need to be careful to not becomes so submerged in trying to save your wife, that you end up drowning.

Thanks for the reply, yes we've met with the therapist who understood how difficult this is and tried to explain things that might help which I've already tried but to be honest I didn't get what I was wanting out of the visit, maybe I was expecting too much.

Today is a little better but still isn't the improvement I was hoping for. One moment I think I've got my wife back then 10 minutes later I feel like I've lost her again in her own thoughts. I've tried everything to keep her present but she keeps drifting off.

Chickenstrips wrote:With alters that don’t like their spouses is there a chance to reconcile?

Yes, resolution is likely, one way or the other, as long as he's working on/toward internal communication.

I wish he wasn’t scared to show me this side. I’m ready to meet whoever is mad at me and fix it already. I know I can’t make someone be comfortable with me but if there’s anything I could do just to show him he doesn’t need to be scared and that I’m not going anywhere, i would do it in a heartbeat.

You may not need to be in a such a rush to fix things with every alter. It may be that some of his alters don't particularly like or trust anyone. It may be that fear, anger, or rejection is their natural response to disappointments, to insults real or imagined, or even to unconditional love! Though he's changing, Ulrich is our alter like this. Someone trying too hard to get close to us or fix things caused him to walk us away -- fast!

I don't have an S.O. but I have adopted a son knowing he had DID. It made me really sad when I felt their experience of him as negative or, worse, no interest at all. Several think I spend too much of my energy on his needs, delaying our own healing, and this is valid. But they know how deeply attached many of us are and they accept that it's now our -- and their -- permanent responsibility to support him in life. Walking away in any sense is not an option.

Due to fluctuating influence on me of my "mirror" alter Gwen and many littles, my attachment to him can be maternal and overly sentimental. Johnny, Aaron and Jonathan react to him more paternally, and they're far more directive, which he needs. Others see him as a brother. All approaches have value. Ulrich had tremendous value in our reducing the martyred self-sacrifice thing.

All of your guy's feelings are real and some may have little to do with you. I wouldn't try too hard to approach the ones who don't like you unless they're putting him or your relationship in jeopardy. Putting aside any pressure and letting them be who they are may be experienced as respect as opposed to aggression. It should be fine to express your hope on occasion that you may become friends someday, if they wish. You have rights to say what you prefer too!

Today is going to be tough, every 10 mins she's now switching from being her kind normal self to being sad to then being angry and rude at me for no reason and saying that our relationship isn't going to work.

I try to brush the anger directed at me off because I know deep down she doesn't mean the things she's saying and that it's the self destruct mode that's kicked in.

To say that I feel lonely is an understatement, I can't talk to anyone about this because I know they won't understand me and a therapist doesn't do me much good, I always come away feeling like it's a waste of time.

Is this how life is going to be, some good times scattered in between timebombs that have exploded then picking up the pieces?

They will relax as soon as you listen to them. It's very simple.

Believe me I listen, I feel like I'm doing everything I can and then some. She's switching so quickly with her emotions/parts that there's not much time to talk and to reassure her that everything is going to be ok. It's the same conversations over and over again.

survivordid wrote:
(...)I've also tried asking her to not recount memories where I am in them and just to write them down or talk it over with her therapist but she keeps on telling me the memories.(...)

(...)I try to brush the anger directed at me off because I know deep down she doesn't mean the things she's saying and that it's the self destruct mode that's kicked in.(...)

This can actually be the reason why she switches so much. The parts who say what they say, mean what they say. Their opinion is just as real as the opinion of who you seem to see as your wife. Don't fight them if you want to help the whole system. This is hard for you; acknowledged that. But it's your choice to be in this, or not.

Edit; there might be some projection going on because of our own situation with a friendship we just opend a topic about, but still.

Efragment wrote:

survivordid wrote:
(...)I've also tried asking her to not recount memories where I am in them and just to write them down or talk it over with her therapist but she keeps on telling me the memories.(...)

(...)I try to brush the anger directed at me off because I know deep down she doesn't mean the things she's saying and that it's the self destruct mode that's kicked in.(...)

This can actually be the reason why she switches so much. The parts who say what they say, mean what they say. Their opinion is just as real as the opinion of who you seem to see as your wife. Don't fight them if you want to help the whole system. This is hard for you; acknowledged that. But it's your choice to be in this, or not.

Edit; there might be some projection going on because of our own situation with a friendship we just opend a topic about, but still.

So I'm supposed to just quietly sit and listen as she completely fabricates stories in front of me of reasons why she hates my family who have given her nothing but love and support? Everything and I mean everything she is saying about my family is pure fantasy which is making me completely question everything negative that was said and that I had believed with her own family.

This is tearing me apart.

survivordid wrote:
So I'm supposed to just quietly sit and listen

Yes. And have some guts; it might not all be 'fantasy'. Maybe you're not perfect?

Or leave her be; it's very clear now that you are triggering her.