New to DID, unsure, blurred lines with Alter

I recently got out of a behavioral hospital where I was admitted for suicidal thoughts that were quickly becoming actions. While there my alter (it's hard to even recognize him as such) acted up something terrible. My head hurt, lights were especially painful, I'd have a hard time controlling my body desperately fighting myself. I did get help but they were torn. The nurse practitioner didn't think Argent was anything more than a voice, the psychologist wasn't sure, and when I got out my therapist is unsure as well but last night she had me fill out a contract for alters, well had Argent fill it out. I hear him sometimes, I definitely FEEL the anger he has, I get terrible headaches, I feel a numbing pressure in my head constantly, I go into altered states where I feel the lines are blurred between us. He's gotten out before, at first I had no memory of it then weeks later I started to remember. I wasn't sure if I even had DID but after that contract she had him fill out I'm starting to think I might. There is a difference between us, those who know me can tell instantly those who don't would have no clue but would say I'm acting odd.

Point is, the lines are especially blurred today. He wants to go to work today and while he's already done that before (and kept burning my hand pouring coffee all day) I'm trying to figure out if it's alright. He's so, so angry. Constantly screaming to be heard, to be let out. He's violent though, wants me to hurt others gives me vivid mental pictures of these things happening. Talks in repetitive bursts. When he's calm (almost never) he's soothing and kind, manipulative in some ways but nice...he's just so angry all the time. If I make him mad he'll give me headaches and make me feel extremely tired. I AM tired all the time. Sometimes he'll threaten me, threaten to take over, sometimes he does it without asking.

I've had this experience with two others before and today he gave me their names (Dennis and Sue) but I haven't had any problems with them (Dennis a cold, sadistic side--overly rational. Sue a childlike side, talks in babble and loves pretty colours.) in the recent years. I've had delusions and hallucinations before and altered mindsets but DID was never a real concept to me. I'm not even sure if that's what I have but I do know that I've been diagnosed with 'Major depression with severe psychotic features with a comorbidity of dissociative ptsd and generalized anxiety.' They're supposed to be keeping an eye on me but I just feel ######6 crazy. I know not helpful for the stigma but when the lines are blurred I just want to sleep it all away but I'm afraid of who will wake up. I hate when Argent blurs the lines because I can't downright shut him down and I'm still scarily aware of my actions.

Right now I'm coping with his favorite song and a blanket. I'm probably going to get tea soon, sorry for the jumbled post. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have similar experiences? Argent mainly comes out in writing and in altered states. He wants to be out all the time. He has helped me in the past, drove me home and made me tea when I was in my state park for an hour, in a tree, because I was scared I'd try to kill myself if I went home. The tea was terrible but the thought was nice. While I was aware I wasn't in control. He threw some plates at the wall, banged on counters, yelled to the empty apartment but was mostly tame. I don't know what he'd be like if I gave him that freedom again. I could not have helped myself that night, so he took over, but in everyday life he wants out and I fear for the repercussions. Filling out that contract has him excited, my therapist said that she respects him and wants to talk to him next time, that has him riled up. It's also been awhile since he's done anything. I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared to tell anyone. Please help.

The contract sounds like a good idea for your system right now. It is interesting that your therapist decided to try that; that shows a lot of faith on the part of the therapist that Argent is not just a "psychotic feature" but actually a dissociated identity, a part of you who can not only talk but even make a contract with another person.

Are you on board with the terms of the contract yourself, or is it all between Argent and the T?

The thing about angry alters is, well, as a rule they have some valid reason to be angry. Deal with that, make their lives better, and the anger tends to rapidly dissipate. Then as they calm down they become helpful and constructive. Talk to him, or write. However you communicate, do that. Tell him in detail what you fear, why you worry, be open about all this, and ask him if he can't reassure you about what might happen if you let him have executive control. See what he says. There is no risk in this, no risk in asking; you can only gain new understanding.

Thank you for replying! Argent did take control, one minute I was at home and the next I was in the middle of work, no memory of how I got there. I had notes in my pocket that he wrote. I called my T and left a message, she got back to me the next day and said we'd talk with him in our next session but until then he was to wait for his turn. She's addressing him as a person which is helpful. I've already had someone tell me that I could just 'unimagine' him and that was painful and frustrating to hear. Like I was making it up.

Anyway the contract is between Argent and the T, he's very excited to be out and to be heard. A bit too excited it seems like.

I have tried open communication in the past and he did get better but was still harshly sarcastic and mocking. He also went to work and spent 200$ in a day when that was happening. I'll try it again though. I'm just not sure how to handle the blurred lines. Thank you for replying!

Revis13 wrote:I've already had someone tell me that I could just 'unimagine' him and that was painful and frustrating to hear. Like I was making it up.

Yeah right...

Hey, at least while you lost time he went to your work. That is a really good sign of cooperation.

I don't lose time much but when I do, usually when I "come to" the situation is not good.