I wanna get rid of them. *TW*

!trigger warning!

Ok, so two of my alters are introjects that represent two different "sides" of my father. They like to wreck their havoc from the Inside.

Now, since I was a child, I've always been afraid to let my mind go certain places or to say certain things (even to myself, when I'm alone) because I keep getting this "Dad's gonna hear me" feeling. Yes, even with my thoughts.

Reminding you of the trigger warning!

It would be nice, for example, to experiment with calling my lovers "Daddy" (or to at least indulge in uncensored fantasies of it) without having the very real fear/feeling that my father is gonna hear/feel/sense/see me saying/thinking it. It's f**king with my head to know that, in a way, he probably does. Because he's in me. Ew. ._.

Can someone please give me some advice on how to cope with this, or if you relate, how you deal with it. Is there a way I can get rid of them? I don't wanna integrate with them! That would defeat the purpose.

Hey there,

I saw your post had not been replied to in over 12 hours sooo I put my Littles away because you was nice and put a trigger warning up.thank you for that.that was the reason I had not yet read the post.
I knew though, having put a post up with a trigger warning before it is these times people need help the most, or I did. Any way, after all that blah let's get to it.

wowza what a topic-without being condescending a huge well done for being brave enough to say it or loud.

We have little Sam-he panics and hurts himself if we tell the truth because he repeats all the time 'what happens in the family stays in the family' sooo we understand the feeling that some how that person knows what you are saying or thinking.

It justshows how much of a dominant control they had over your development and sense of self.


@@@@@TRIGGER WARNING@@@@@@$@
What you describe about role playing is perfectly normal for some one who has been sexually abused and not always by there father.it could be a representation of some one who you should have been able to trust. I just say this as I don't know your history and don't want to assume.

I myself have witnessed meany violent sexual assaults and rape. When I was younger Sam
Would fantasise about rough sex stimulating consensual rape/role play. I would see his thoughts and feel sick.he was sick,I was sick, evil, you name it . I repressed Sam's urgesand it want until later life that I realised that it was he was of trying to make serve of what we had seen.
You see if you do it, you are in control of it right? In theory maybe but not in practice.
In practice you are repeating the abuse that already happened top you.

Our brains were developing, I'm talking all sexually abused children. Developing brains cross wires and things feel good that way because your body was taught that but you have to re-teach it.


I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds sooo scary to feel like some one all ways knows.
What do you think he would say of he knew what you was thinking and wanted to do?
Except for being afraid he will some how hear you what is stopping you?

@@@@@@TRIGGER OVER@@@@@@@


Post back soon

Don't be alone with this x

Thanks Riverside! I'm not as worried about the fantasies as I am about the alters that "are" my Dad. I want them gone. Poof. I'm hoping that if they were gone, not only would everyone in my system be more comfortable, but maybe that creepy "Daddy knows everything" feeling will go away. I know it's not "nice" to want alters to disappear but... do those two really count? They're not even me.

trigger warning
A lot of the "Daddy knows everything" feeling can have something to do with the fact that my father - on top of forcing his religious values on me - always told me that God is watching everything. Knows everything. That not even my thoughts or subconscious thoughts are hidden or unnoticed by Him. In fact, He predicts them. But I never heard from this "God" or even fully believed in Him. It was my father telling me all these things, and punishing me, so I equated "God" with "Dad" at some point and I remember starting to really fear that he was reading my mind at around that time.

-- Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:49 am --

One of my two "Dad" alters is a religious fanatic and repeats a lot of the words my father's said to me (in some completely f**ked version of my own voice), and likes to throw these images and memories at me of times I was violently abused, then threatens to do that stuff to me. I'm tired of it. The abusive behavior, I can endure, but this creepy feeling that I can't even explore certain thoughts because my Dad would be disgusted: I'm tired of living with that. Up until recently (I made a mental list of things I haven't said or done alone or in my imagination because of this fear) how much this is really holding me back.

For example, I started replacing myself with other people in many of my sexual fantasies because I don't want my Dad to "see me that way". But who cares if he sees a fictional character or something in my place instead? That's how it started, but now I can't enjoy sexual fantasies that I'm actually in!

Can't even sing certain lyrics of songs I like.

Ugh!

I want them gone!

-- Thu Jan 30, 2014 9:50 am --

Anyway I'm gonna finally answer your question. I have a number of fears regarding what he would do if he found out what I was saying or thinking at certain times.

MORE TRIGGERS

- I feel like I would never outlive the humiliation, and it'll prevent me from ever enjoying anything "sinful" again. Probably even drive me to suicide or just plain incinerate me on the spot.
- Of course he'll beat me.
- He's called me the "Devil's Daughter" once, which hurt a lot, 'cause I know how much he hates the Devil. He may consider these thoughts/feelings/actions "proof". Before he may said it just to hurt me but if he actually believed it? I feel like my whole past would disappear. I would lose my name & everything. Look in the mirror and see... nobody.
- The sickest part of my mind thinks he'd actually rape me as punishment (if he found out about the sexual fantasies - not just the "Daddy"-related ones). That would most definitely bring on the life-ending, permanent humiliation I talked about before. ._.

hello again

TRIGGER WARNINGSS....................


So could you tell me what these fantasies are? Just like are you wanting to hurt you dad or are you wanting to make love to your dad? Im just wondering becauseis it that you are in conflict with yourself and these two alters reflects those conflicts?

Could it be one part of your self loves your dad because his your dad and that is what you are ment to do but the other part hates him becaue you know that forcing his religious beliefs on you and using them as an excuss to abuse you is wrong?

What about using your system to help you out with these two parts of you. Thing is i say parts of you because even though you said they are not you. They are 100% you. You are not your dad, that is not what i am saying. I am saying that you have internalised part of the abuse you suffered as these alters and projected identites onto them of your dad. If you see them as you dad, you will fear them and then repeat the fear , abuse cycle in your head..... its what brains do....what they have been conditioned to without us even knowing! Great thing is you know it now.

THEY ARE NOT YOUR DAD.
They are FRAGMENTS
from MEMORIES
and EMOTIONS
STUCK IN TIME.

How about opening up a line of communication? You could write a letter explaining that you would like privacy and that you would like to draw up a contract with them. At any given time unles given permission they may not access your thoughts. During Sex and other personal stuff they must take there self to a room/place etc where they will have no memeory/recall of this time. Ask them to sign this contract because you feel the OWE it to you.

You could even write a contract to yourself - i know ....... and ....... are fragments of the abuse suffered by my dad. I know that my dad can not read my mind because........................................................................... and ............................................. . When I doubt this I am going to problem solve by testing reality. If my dad could read my mind then he would know............................. ( you could set up an experiemnt...... then call him maybe if thats possible? or you could think back over all the times you have been having sexual thoughts and he has never turned up!!! so why would he now?!?),,,,,, etc etc




I was having a think i know you said you wanted to get rid... i have a part of me called MR EKO and he scared the hell out of me and he is an echo of all the abuse i wittnessed etc etc. I was so scared at the thought of opening up communication and working with im...working with fear its self??? are you mad!!! then i read a thread about some 1's thoughts on intergration they said something like intergreaion wasnt about healing everything but more accepting all parts. I realised that i needed to accepted that i have this dark part inside me that i lived through, that is not me but is part of my life. If i want it to be part of my past rather than my present then i need to face it and work with it and not against it.....scary as hell thought but fingers crossed. Do you think you could do that?


About replacing yourself in sexual fantases, i dont 99% have sex... Sam my main alter dose! He always has. I deal with emotions he deals with sex. I understand what fear dose to a sexuality. Could you just stand back and relax from all the sex thinking for a while? Has the sex thinking its self become a couping mechnisum?

I hope all my rambles made sence and didnt come across as complete poo!

speak soon

big river

Oh God no. I don't wanna have sex with my Dad. WTF? I've been curious about "Daddy kink". That's all. I was using as an example to illustrate how awkward it can get to try & have sexual fantasies when I fear that my father may randomly "catch" me. Ew. God. Having sex with my Dad is one of the worst things ever. If I could completely remove all thoughts of him from my head, my sex life would be perfect by my standards. No more being held back over the irrational fear of having my mind read. & it's not just sexual fantasies. There are certain things I just won't say & certain thoughts I won't let finish out of fear of punishment & humiliation.

Bingo though with me loving & hating my Dad. He was my best friend and worse nightmare. What both sides have in common: I want nothing to do with either of them. So I wanna get rid of them. Thing is, they don't bother me during sex or anything like that. It's always at completely random times when I'm not even doing anything (like my real Dad).

-- Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:29 pm --

& I stand by what I said: Those useless abominations are not me. You said they're feelings, memories? Fleeting. Expendable. & Due to be eliminated, as soon as I find out how.

-- Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:32 pm --

A contract implies that said useless abominations are entitled to a choice. But they're not. When I moved out, I was done with my father. These two have no place in my life and NO RIGHTS. I want them GONE. I want my head to stay between me and those I welcome.

-- Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:35 pm --

I am so angry right now. It's not you, Riverside. It's me. Thank you for your help and I am open to more. But I can't promise I'll take it very well, because I'm really f*cking angry right now.

helllllo

Big opps... i took that way the wrong way!!!

The thing is if you read about alters you will find that everything written will say the more you demand and push the more they will push back and not do what you say.............

the more you think they are not part of me the more it implies you have no way of every being in control with them....................


TRIGGER WARNING

Am i right in thinking that the whole sex dad thing is because he emotional abused you into thinking that sex was a sin?


So sorry i went down the wrong route, you wouldnt be the first person to have gone down that route!


respects

and i hope you feel better, really.

river

I've managed to lock alters up before. Ones that actually are me. I have a hell of a lot more power over my system than people think. Our former "Gatekeeper" is now mine to push out and pull back in as I please. I've also read stories about alters disappearing. That's why I'm asking how to get rid of them. Or maybe others can just tell me how theirs "disappeared" and I can try to start that process in myself. Their presence in MY system is NOT acceptable.

-- Thu Jan 30, 2014 1:10 pm --

Literally.
Not acceptable.
Cannot be accepted.
INHERENTLY AND UNIVERSALLY IMPOSSIBLE to accept. Absolutely, indisputable wrong.

Now I feel like an attention-whoring asshole. Can this thread please be locked?

Hi again,

You have a whole lot of power already then and if you have already locked up others etc how did you do it?

As I understand it alters leave or disappear out of there own choice.I'd be interested to read the stories you are talking about because I don't know enough by far and may learn something.

be kind to yourself, your the only one of you, you have.

Laters.
T. R.

I've done it by forbidden them to come out and meeting any attempt of theirs to communicate with viciousness or just plain ignoring them. Threats work, too, especially when I mean every single last one of them. But yeah. I've read people complain about alters disappearing, and saying that one or more has just disappeared before. I need to learn how that happened so I can dispose of this extra baggage already. I don't know how to get rid of them - yet. I think my communication with them is one-way; I can "hear" them but they can't "hear" me. So my threats and viciousness fall on deaf ears.