Can You Help?

Hello... I've been on here about a month now. I haven't introduced myself very well yet. My name is Bella... and I'm not sure if I have DID yet. (Be careful reading past this point... I hate to hurt somebody...) I've had a stressed childhood, but only emotional abuse. My parents always tried to act young, which wasn't something Iiked. I was prasied by my maturity... mostly because I feared dissapointment. I never met any kids my age (only one person younger than ten.) before I went to school. I was allergic to kids for a while. I never fit in well.
Years passed. When ever I got in trouble or something, I would normally cry. It sounds stupid, but I wasn't used to failure. Then my parents had... issues... and some threatened abanndonment. My only friend that hadn't betrayed me (All my friends called me names or cussed me out behind my back.) wouldn't talk to me because I still liked her boyfriend... she wasn't trying to hurt me but she soon stopped inviting me to everything afterwards. Now I basically sit at home alone, dispite being a young teen. Now, to what has happened mentally. So sorry if this is taking to long...
Well it was only three months ago that I really noticed anything. I had a intense vision of a foggy white place. It was where I met two of my "alters", which is what I'll call them for simplicity. We eventually broke down the wall and I met some more a while later. I know more surface at different times. We have some older than twice my age.
We don't switch. However, I have three that help (Or not,) with what I say. Two consult with me mostly on what they say, when the most problematic one does what she wants. I normally forget a bit of time around when they do something strange, but one of my closer alts will show me what the other said. I forget things often. Once I was getting a soda when I realized I done it twice already less than five mintues ago. I've been having some weird dreams relating to our real life problems.
I've been keeping a journal since it began. Unfortunately, I decided that, "Oh, my friends will accept this fine!"...so now I get made fun of for it. Then one of my well meaning alters (Very close, always tries to help.) wanted me to tell my parents. They told me that bullying would pass... but that wasn't what I wanted. I was about to tell them about the journal, but I decided not to. I'm glad, because it surely would've been taken. I wanted to see a therapist to meet my "alters", but it's not gonna happen until I can get some money and drive.
If you read this, thanks so much. I know you can't make a professional diagnosis, but does it sound like it? Or should I start reading about something else?

Red Belle wrote:only emotional abuse.

We don't switch. However, I have three that help (Or not,) with what I say. Two consult with me mostly on what they say, when the most problematic one does what she wants. I normally forget a bit of time around when they do something strange, but one of my closer alts will show me what the other said. I forget things often. Once I was getting a soda when I realized I done it twice already less than five mintues ago. I've been having some weird dreams relating to our real life problems.

If you read this, thanks so much. I know you can't make a professional diagnosis, but does it sound like it? Or should I start reading about something else?

We're sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with life and people. "only emotional abuse"? Sorry but our teens have gone through some of their 'emotional abuse' memories in the past few years, and they are incredibly painful stuff that we've struggled to deal with. We think loneliness is one of the worst things that can happen to you, to be surrounded by people but not to fit in, no one to help, talk to or understand.

When we first realised we had others when they started talking internally, we didn't know who or what they were, it wasn't till our T said she saw someone different that we googled for hours and eventually found DID that fits. For a long time, before we knew and after, we weren't aware of the switching, it was just normal life, the blanks we had thought were normal and didn't pay any attention because we knew we had been in a lesson even if we had no clue who we sat next to or what we did, to us details like that weren't important.

It sounds like it could be DID, don't rule it out yet. Keep exploring yourself and coming to this forum to read and explore because it takes a while to get to know yourself and find sometimes the small details you had passed off as normal were actually down to DID.

hi there

First off - you deserve to be respected and to respect
you deserve to love and be loved
you deserve to be safe from emotional and physical harm

second - you deserve to be respected and to respect
you deserve to love and be loved
you deserve to be safe from emotional and physical harm

I put it twice because as a teenage in an adults body i found out that i am allowed these things even if i dont think i should have these things. Inside i feel crippled by all the emotional abuse that i also have been though but the adult river and SO has given me scaffolding to hold me up and rules.

I hated rules when i had no big river and SO, they held me back and didnt fit but that was because all these rules hurt me. They told me

If you hurt dont tell or you will be hurt more
If you are different inside or our you are weird or wrong some how
If you are being hurt emotionally or physically you deserve or that is what life it for everyone


You said about how your 'friends' treat you. They are not your friends. We have one real friend and we see her only on thew occasions but she is very important to us. When i (teen) was by my self as a teenager i found a quote that got me through being alone and actually taught me some self worth

'solice is the measure of self'

I have no idea who write it, but its true. Those who can stand there own comapny and do not need it to be diluted by other, to be hidden in a group or praised by indivduals are those that are strong inside and are those that build strong foundations as they grow.


When you say 'some threatened abandonment' what do you mean by that? if you dont mind me asking.

After i read about your vision of the fog and the alters i started thinking about what i used to do when i was young. I used to talk to jesus in our hall way light bulb:) I used to feel that some one, a presence was always watching, like i was on tv and i would play with these different sides of myself. Sam for instance has always been with me.

Ok - Big River talking.

Have you heard of psycosis? If you have it dosent mean you have losed it but it could mean that you have had an acute bought of stress that has caused you to have a break from reality? I only say it as a possibility but i dont think its what it is.

I was thinking is was deffernertly some type of dissociation. Have you heard of ego states?


You said you have a journal, do you alters talk to you? Do they all have the same vocab, hand writing etc?

About showing it to be - ok. I'm gay and have come out to people over and over again for over 30 years. One thing i have learnt is, tred carefully. What is said can not be unsaid.

Ask yourself if telling these people will keep you safe, keep your respect and you will not recieve emotional of physcial abuse. I know you can go through all of life saying nothing to no one through fear but if you have been emotionallly abused by all the people who have told or want to tell what do you think the chances are that they will accept and help you or abuse you more? I only say this as frank because i want you to be safe.

Being alone is alful. Being alone with people around is some how worse. Being alone will not be forever. Like you said you willl gain independace.

Are you in secondary school? high schoo? Dose you shool run a councilling programe?


Keep posting, you are not alone here.

teen, big river and little gave you a wave.

Thanks so much. And what I meant by "Threatened Abandonment" is both my parents didn't want me at different times. My mom almost left us to have kids with another dude... and my dad told me that me and my mom should move to my grandmothers house. I think that if my mom hadn't come back it wouldn't have hurt so much, because I had to confront her after knowing that she was going to leave me and (before my alters) my brother. My parents didn't want me talking about it... so I couldn't relieve my pain.
And I'm glad that i'm not alone with think thinking that emotional abuse is bad. My dad laughed when I said emotional abuse. I've tried to leave in the past, but they force me to come back, or the dim hope that, "things will get better" keep me here. I think I'm going to stay, because death isn't something I need if i've made it this far.
In my journal, my alter's handwriting have different handwriting. Mine is really bubbly, one of my smart one's is similar, but more slanted. It's not noticeable until you see a complete change in a matter of seconds. I tend to notice the first couple of words like that, then my handwriting goes back to normal. I tend to forget about it until I reread it.
My supportive friend (she doesn't know, she has problems of her own.) told me that she had similar problems of, "Not looking good," which isn't truly comparable to the depression, which she knows about. I decided not to tell her about us specifically, because of possible loss of friendship.
And I'm not going to confirm it's D.I.D yet, but i'll keep considering them people until then.

hey again, so glad you posted back.

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When i read about your dad laughing when you said emotional abuse i was shocked but i dont know why because it is those who abuse that are often completly oblivious to it. thinking it is 'normal'

May i ask how old you are? I only say because you said about leaving and they make you come back.
Also you said about sticking around because death isnt something you need if you come this far. Im glad you are staying strong. In my worst place i found a quote that said ' suicide is a permanente solution to a temperary situation'. I think this forum is unique in the way that almost all of us have suffered abuse all our lives but it always changes and it always ends, always.
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What you say about your journal sounds like did - my journal and what i write on here i often have no recolection of!! I have 5/6 different hand writing thats most trace back to different times in my life that i split my self.

Stay strong because now you know what the problem is you can start to heal...

Do you have some where else you can go?
Are you safe at home?

kind thoughts

big river