How can I get him to let me talk to his alters?

TheCollective wrote:Yes, love him. Be there for him in ways that he needs. You being/becoming educated about DID's difficulties is a major thing that will greatly ease his, and your, suffering just because you're aware of the problems and the do's and don't's. But don't forget to take care of yourself, and do not try to become his therapist. Sorry didn't read the entire post, don't know if something has already been said. It just always makes me happy to see that there's SO's out there who are willing and able to stay/deal with people like us.

=) Not trying to be a therapist, just want a deeper relationship, and we can't have that if he shuts me out. Especially with something this big.
I am going to school to be a psychologist, to become a Guidance Counselor though. Maybe something different later on.

I do love him, and he and his "alters" have put me through so much (before I even knew he had DID as well as after) and I'm still here. Accepting, trying to be any way. It's really hard. I don't know what to do, or not to do, what I can say. He's told me stress triggers, like really large amounts of stress.
I just wish I could convey to the others than I want to understand them and get to know them. And that it's ok.
I'm scared of one, as I've already had an incounter with him, and he threatened to serious hurt me... And I know he happens to be the most dominant. Apart from my SO, who is the host.

The first time my samurai came out he scared me too. He didn't threaten me, but he almost hurt someone else around us. I couldn't imagine if he would have threatened me. I myself am doing my masters degree in school counseling, and have thought about eventually becoming an advocate for those with DID. Especially in prisons. They refuse to even diagnosis him as possible DID let alone address his needs.I agree that learning more about it is helping me be more patient and understanding. I've found that literature and professionals don't seen to understand or address it in a way that matches what those with DID really experience. So I find myself here. My SO didn't switch much at all until he got to prison and it triggered him excessively. I love the others but I wouldn't wish this experience on him just to have them. It sounds like your SO may also be afraid to lose control. I find when I just became more patient I got more. I had to change my approach.I'm not going anywhere so we have a lifetime to figure it out together. I wish you luck. It is amazing to know the others. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Jaybirdlove

Thanks! I'm so glad I found this forum. I was honestly feeling so alone. I had no one to talk to about any of this, no one who understood anyway. I truly love my SO and I want to be able to connect with every aspect of him and his life. I'll be as patient as I need to be.
Please keep in touch! I would love to continue talking to you about your experiences.

Same with everyone, please keep in touch. I truly appreciate the supoprt and words of wisdom. There is still a lot I don't know. And I understand that there's more than just what Psychologists know and what's written in text. So this is all really helpful as well! It's nice to know theres others out there willing to talk about it.

Hi again,

Just wanted to pop in and say first, if your SO has DID, hopefully he has a therapist (can't remember if you mentioned that, or maybe I missed it in the thread). It really is the only thing that can help him to manage it, and it IS very manageable. DID never just "goes away." There can be integration or the alters can all stay and come up with some sort of order of how to share time.

Remember that his alters are real, and they are separate people. Your SO is probably an alter as well, you may never meet the "core" as they tend to be hidden. He is probably sharing as much with you as he can. If you can relate to whichever alter is out, then you'll be doing quite fine.

My BF is also very covert, it's very hard to sense a switch until you've been talking awhile and see the sometimes subtle differences. Exception being a hard switch, or a "host" switch, where a different alter becomes host and starts running things, sometimes very differently than before. This is the situation I am in right now, and it's very difficult.

My guy would sometimes switch several times during the week, littles would come out in the evening, and I've even seen him pop out in the middle of a sentence! Every system is different, though...

Patience wrote:Hi again,

Just wanted to pop in and say first, if your SO has DID, hopefully he has a therapist (can't remember if you mentioned that, or maybe I missed it in the thread). It really is the only thing that can help him to manage it, and it IS very manageable. DID never just "goes away." There can be integration or the alters can all stay and come up with some sort of order of how to share time.

Remember that his alters are real, and they are separate people. Your SO is probably an alter as well, you may never meet the "core" as they tend to be hidden. He is probably sharing as much with you as he can. If you can relate to whichever alter is out, then you'll be doing quite fine.

My BF is also very covert, it's very hard to sense a switch until you've been talking awhile and see the sometimes subtle differences. Exception being a hard switch, or a "host" switch, where a different alter becomes host and starts running things, sometimes very differently than before. This is the situation I am in right now, and it's very difficult.

My guy would sometimes switch several times during the week, littles would come out in the evening, and I've even seen him pop out in the middle of a sentence! Every system is different, though...

I'm sorry to hear you're in a bad situation, I hope the best for you.

He does not go to a therapist any more, as he said it didn't help.
I can tell small differences. Like, he'll sometime be so super sweet and we'll be having a great day, orthers he is so serious and doesn't find things funny. And then there are some where he just gets soo irritated at me, saying that I'm a horrible person that hates everything about him (which is not true) So, could those be alters coming out "pretending" to be him (saying they're him because I don't know them)?
As far as I know, (what Vlad has said) David, my SO, is the core. And for the most part, the host.
Vlad (dominant alter) has told me there is 12 of them. But he only named one other. Donovan. Vlad would always tell me that if it were up to him, he'd get me out of the picture completely, but he wouldn't cause he couldn't stand David being hurt, and that's why Vlad hates me. Cause I hurt David once before.

Hi Ms.B223, that has been my experience with my SO's alters, that they try to behave and ack like he would be. Sometimes it is really diffucult to notice the switch physically. There are changes in the way he holds his body, the way he communicates, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes. They are all subtle changes, but once you know what to watch for it becomes a little easier.

The only advice I can share in regards to Vlad's dislike of you is to be patient and loving, truthful and safe. You said that you hurt David in the past and that's why Vlad doesn't like you. It is obvious to me that Vlad is a protector for David. It will take time and effort on your part, but unfortunately you will likely have to prove yourself to Vlad, earn his acceptance of you, he has to come to realize that you are safe and are not there to intentionally hurt David. That you want to help protect him and help him cope better...that sort of thing.

You have to always remember...alters do not want to be discovered, the system does not want to be discovered.

I hope this helps a little...what you are sharing about your experiences so far sound very normal to me...you are not alone!

I agree 100% with everything Floundering has just said. This is my experience as well.

Very subtle changes. I can tell the difference in photographs, too. It's usually the eyes.

Yes, they can and will pretend to be different alters. Sometimes to avoid having to give an explanation...sometimes just because they can, and it's fun.

Vlad probably does not hate you. He sounds like a protector, and protectors know what buttons to push. Their job is to get rid of any perceived threat. Sometimes, even that threat is love and kindness itself. Too scary and too deceiving; remember, they were hurt in their past by people who claimed to love them. Anyway, it takes time. Prove to him that you have their best interest and heart at hopefully you can win the trust of all of them.

Patience wrote:Very subtle changes. I can tell the difference in photographs, too. It's usually the eyes.

Yes, they can and will pretend to be different alters. Sometimes to avoid having to give an explanation...sometimes just because they can, and it's fun.

Yeah, his senior portraits look totally different than his more recent pictures... he looks angry.

-- Tue Jan 21, 2014 6:49 pm --

And as of 2 minutes ago, I got a very angry phone call from out of nowhere, and got broken up with...

That is heartbreaking Ms. B223 I hope that's not really the the final decision and that you are ok.

In regards to determining who's, Ican tell a lot by the way they talk mostly.
-Ty has a new York accent and thug slang. He usually only talks to me when he's mad and yelling, but I never realize it was him until after so it's often ended with me crying.
-Mi is lovey dovey and very playful. He likes to clown. He also slouches a lot when in control of the body
-Jc speaks an older English. He's my samurai and thinks a lot like a warrior. He makes war analogies often. He says things like "as do I" instead of me too. "This day" instead of today etc. He has an overwhelming presence that feels like icy hot all over my chest. He has a pet name for me that he says instead of hello or says hello my love. He is icy scary with the look of death on his eyes to anyone except me and the kids. I'm probably the only one who wants to be with him.
-Mc has only talked to me twice and is very reserved. His voice is deeper and he doesn't give mich information
-Z usually only talks to me in letters. His voice is different almost a mix of some accent and not.
-Jd is the host and he's the main one so I just know. His voice with me is softer without an accent yet to others he sounds more like Ty.

It's little things like others have said. I hope you get a chance to make things better. Sending love your way...

Thank you JaybirdLove.

He came over last night, a few hours after the phone call. He didn't know what I was talking about. So I think he must of had a switch. His voice during the "break-up call" didn't sound like Vlad, it sounded like Davids, but with a little more "urgency" or need. If that makes any sense at all. He was screaming at me, but it was like it was something he HAD to do. Maybe that makes better sense... I remember one thing from the last time he switched (years ago) that he got a really bad headache and was tired. He had that this time as well. David had mentioned earlier that day that he was really tired and was getting a terrible headache and was going to go lay down for a bit.
Does that usually happen? Getting Headaches before a switch?