How can I get him to let me talk to his alters?

I've already posted about my boyfriend. Now, I'm wondering... is there a way that I can get his alters to talk to me, with out it being dangerous?

send them a letter or a text. I'd talk to the less violent of them and gain a relationship. then you can get them to work with the not nice ones....

Hi there Ms.B223 and welcome to the forum...this is a great place to read other people's experiences with DID. I know I have found it very helpfull in understanding, coping and dealing my SO's DID.

I am an SO to a man with DID, I know how tough it can be to get those lines of communication to open with the alters. I agree with riverside, the easiest way to start to try and open those lines is through writing. I know with my SO, it is much easier to access the alters via writing (texting, fb msgs, emails, pen and paper etc) than any other way, or waiting until they front to talk with them. You could try setting up a communication book that is open to everyone to write in, including your SO if he wants to.

Good luck and know you are not alone!!!

Thank you both.. I tried sending him a text last night, mentioning that I would like to get to know the others... he ignored my comment. I don't want to push, if it's something he doesn't want or isn't ready for... but I feel like, for the sake of my sanity and our relationship, I really need to talk to them and figure out what makes them tick, why they do or don't like me... what I could do to maybe rememdy the situation, you know?
I'm completely at a loss here. Even if they did decide to front, I would have no idea what to say to them.. Or what we would talk about...
Or the thing that scares me the most, (other than the possibility of being seriously injured) what if I have a better connection to one of the others and not my SO? I understand that They're all different aspects of him while being their own self within one self. (that probably makes no sense)
I really dont mean to offend... just, feel like the losing side of a battle.

I am also a girl who is an SO to a man with DID.

In my situation, texting can cause a switch, so it wouldn't work for me. You an also ask the one out if they can pass a message along to a certain alter. Remember that each alter has a reason for being out when they are, and you can learn to get along and respect each alter's time out.

Also, you WILL get along with some alters better than others. They are like any other group of people...you're going to please some, and some you won't be able to do anything to please them. Please don't take that personally. It really is a group of varied people. Don't stress so much about what you can remedy about yourself and what you can. Trust me on that one...

If you can be patient, nonjudgmental, and willing to let them talk about whatever they need to, you will do just fine!

Thing is, I'm not even sure when we does switch. I can tell a different in mood and tone of voice, but nothing more alarming than as if he's having a bad day.
One of the last times one of his "Alters" were out, (Vlad, the violent and more "I'm here") I told him that the love of his life was married to another man with a baby on the way, and all he said was that he didn't want to live anymore and went to sleep. The next day it was my SO. and it was like that (to the best of my knowledge) for over a year, then Donovan, came out, breifly (as in only a few minutes, he was still partially asleep) said I was the best thing to wake up to in the mornings and then switched back to my SO. Hasn't had a switch that I know of, since. So, is it possible to "grew out of it" or just doesn't need the defense anymore? Or was he lying to me about having it and getting his ex girlfriend in on it, trying to scare me off? Or maybe "they're" just really good at pretending to be him. Vlad had mentioned that to me before...

Now, please keep in mind, I wasn't trying to hurt any of them, I didn't know the "do's and don'ts". And Now I really regret it.

I'm a girl with Male SO w/ DID as well. I've known about his DID for 4 months and I've wanted to know more about each of them as well. So much so it drives me crazy. In my case, they all collectively decided that I wasn't allowed to ask generalized questions, that I could ask any question of the one out, but not ask one person about any other. Sounds good, except... my JD is the one out almost all the time. Which means no info...

I'm not too patient and what they believe is that if I am to truly know them, I had to figure out each of them on my own. And then when one of the others comes out, I'm so excited to see them... I can't remember what I was going to ask. It's a crazy situation without answers.

I have a bit of a different situation because he is in prison, so our ability to interact is very limited. We talk on the phone several times a day and I visit when I can. I am in a relationship with all his alters. They are all my men (no littles). So of course I want to talk to them and know them. Some I've barely talked to at all, but I give them equal love regardless. One alter in particular, my samurai, and I are just as in love as JD and I. I have been trying to ask to talk to him, but I know it's hard, because when my samurai comes out, bad things can happen. He likes to fight. So I try to be understanding and patient. My samurai has talked to me on the phone a couple times, but in small 2-4 minute talks. It's never enough. So I find myself asking the same question as you. How to talk to the others?

***Possible Trigger Warning*** shifting

3 days ago when I said that I needed a message from my men, I found out that JD is scared. He is so afraid that if he let's go of the control to let them out too much that one of these days they may just decide to not let him come back. Since he is completely unaware when another comes out it's like losing himself. He also worries that one of the others may decide they want to hurt someone (several of his alters enjoy fighting and hurting people) that they could ruin his chances of getting out of prison on time. Since he's already having a lot of PTSD and triggering as it is from being in there, I don't want to cause any more difficulty. On top of that, I didn't realize how hard it was on him to let me talk to the others, especially when several of them want to talk to me in succession, it's like whiplash to him.

The only thing I've found is that I have to wait for the alter's to come out, and to want to talk to me. It's hard. Believe me I know. I was told by one of the alters that it's like sitting on hot burning coals when I ask or talk about the others. So it makes me worry about saying to much.

***end Trigger Warning***

Being in prison I write him frequently, so I use the opportunity to write the alters, but I make sure that it's a small percent of all the letters. JD needs to feel like he's still my number one.

I have made up my mind that I will love them all and get them to all fall in love with me. It wasn't just JD that went through the things that happened. I believe even the angriest ones, need attention and to be loved. I make efforts to acknowledge them and to let them know that I love them exactly how they are. I let them know that I don't need them to change, that they are loved unconditionally and completely. I even thanked the protectors when they were being aggressive for always protecting my JD, even sacrificing their own chance to love me, to make sure he's ok first. I have found that as they have given me a chance and allowed me to love them, that they are all falling in love with me. As this happens they then desire to talk to me and reach out. For the first time ever 2 days ago, I talked to all 6 of them. It was amazing, even though it was only about 2 minutes a piece.

I've come to realize that it is a big deal and a lot of trust for them to expose themselves to me. And I have expressed my gratefulness for that to them. It seems that the more I give them love and acceptance, the more comfortable they are talking to me. I've found that it's not really JD's decision but the alters' to talk to me. So I don't know that I've answered your question, as I'm still trying to figure this out myself.

I am happy to find others that can understand this unique relationship. As I'm still trying to figure out the do's and don'ts myself.

I guess that have to be allowed to talk to you for a start (which doesn't help). For us, one way to talk to another part would be to find something that they like and do it or talk about it, triggering them to come out....but if you choose to do it be careful as being triggered to switch can be scary as you have to really trust that your not going to hurt another part when they come out. E.g to get another part you could decide to do something crafty or baking , something that needs organising to get that part out. They wouldn't have to know you are trying to get to talk to someone else, just having fun doing different activities from normal, maybe such as karaoke, a quiz and then if someone else doesn't come out you will still be doing something fun together My littles say they will happily sit and colour with anyone who is happy to sit and colour with them

Well, I tried talking to him about it the other night. He got really depressed and just kept saying he didn't want to talk about it. I didn't push. Only stated that I wished he would let me in. I asked how long has it been since the last switch. It's been over a year now.
He told me he's been trying hard to keep it under control. He's been telling himself that it's not real. It's all in his head and he can control it. So he supresses it and pretends it doesn't exist. He told me it's unbearable on some days. That every decision he makes, from what college courses he takes, all the way down to what color underwear he puts on, he said it's a struggle because there are so manay opinions and voices he hears. That they tell him to do things, like flirt with the girls at work, or break up with me, or hurt his mom or himself.
I hated hearing all of that, mainly when he said they want him to hurt himself...
I can't push him to let me in about it anymore. I don't want him to hurt or struggle or be scared about what one of his "alters" might do.
I guess the only thing I can do, is just let him know that I love him and I'm here for him no matter what. I told him about this forum, and he encouraged me to talk to other people about it and to keep doing research. He wants me to understand it, but he, himself (alters in all) can't talk to me about it.
I'm starting to understand why.
I'd love to hear more about people with an SO with DID or just people with DID in general

Yes, love him. Be there for him in ways that he needs. You being/becoming educated about DID's difficulties is a major thing that will greatly ease his, and your, suffering just because you're aware of the problems and the do's and don't's. But don't forget to take care of yourself, and do not try to become his therapist. Sorry didn't read the entire post, don't know if something has already been said. It just always makes me happy to see that there's SO's out there who are willing and able to stay/deal with people like us.