My boyfriend has DID but...

So, I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now. In Nov 2010, nearly 2 years into our relationship, he finally tells me he has DID, and that was the reason for some of the things he's done, such as inappropriate conversations with other girls. Well, his ex-girlfriend confirmed his stories and then told me some as well. A few months later, he has an "episode" It was very scary, last only a few days. He said he didn't remember anything... a year later, he has another "episode" Same Alter. Now, by this time, I have moved to a different house, and have gotten a new phone, and lost a bit of weight. And if I'm not mistaken, what my boyfriend knows about me, his alters don't, and vise versa... Well, his "atler" happens to know my current address, phone, car, everything. Things I didn't have when he first "came-out" around me. So, I asked his brother about it... he had no idea what I was talking about... his mom and dad had no idea what I was talking about... Yet he swears up and down that he has it. And that he's been hynotized and informed about all of his alters. So, I'm wondering, is it possible that since he knows about them, if they can interact with eachother but only He can't remember what they remember, but they can remember what he remembers. Or if he just really believes he has it, or if he is just using it as an excuse to cheat and get away with it.
Any and all advice on this would be GREAT!!!
Oh, one last thing, his "atler" (the only one I've met) has threatened to kill or seriously hurt me if he's ever around me when he comes out.


Not trying to offend anyone.. I just really have no idea on how I'm supposed to handle this information... I'd really like to know more about it than what I've learned in my Psychology classes...

Hi. I'm glad you found us. No one here knows who your boyfriend is so we cannot begin to say if he is lying to you or not. We can only share what we know about DID, that may apply to your boyfriend. I can tell you that it is common for there to be "one way" amnesia between alters, with alter A knowing all about B and B knowing nothing about A. And maybe neither A nor B knowing about C. So yes, it is possible that this hostile alter knows your current phone number etc even though you changed it since you last saw this alter. Is this information in his phone or something? If it is available to him that way, this hostile alter doesn't need to know what the host knows. The host (your boyfriend) is an alter too, by the way.

Ms.B223 wrote:if he is just using it as an excuse to cheat and get away with it.

Having DID may be a reason why he cheats but it is not an excuse. Your basic remedy for cheating is either (a) decide you allow him to be involved with other women so it is not cheating or (b) end the relationship. If you choose option b he might clean up his act. This is called "tough love", but the key is you do it for you, not hoping it will make him clean up.

Ms.B223 wrote:Oh, one last thing, his "atler" (the only one I've met) has threatened to kill or seriously hurt me if he's ever around me when he comes out.

This could be a bluff or it could be a warning that you should take seriously. You might want to discuss this with a women's shelter counselor or a police officer whose job involves dealing with domestic violence offenders and victims. They can help you do a personal risk assessment. If the ex-girlfriend continues to be forthcoming, you might talk about this with her. Did he tell her the same thing? This alter may be a protector, who thinks that by rejecting you he will save your boyfriend the emotional pain of being rejected by you.

Good luck sorting this out. Stay safe!

Hi Ms.B223.

Ms.B223 wrote:if I'm not mistaken, what my boyfriend knows about me, his alters don't, and vise versa

Well, that's a possibility, but it's also possible that some alters can access information that your boyfriend has. Sometimes, they share information for practical matters, like the knowledge of a language or an address, and sometimes they don't. It's also possible that they are co-conscious and thus they would see what each other is experiencing and learning. But I don't think this is the case since he didn't mention it to you, and you said he doesn't remember some things.

Ms.B223 wrote:Well, his "atler" happens to know my current address, phone, car, everything. Things I didn't have when he first "came-out" around me.

It is possible. Don't know exactly how that works, but it's possible. I was in a relationship with someone who had DID, and I remember that the one I was dating knew I use glasses, when a new alter I was just starting to know fronted he asked if I had brought my glasses 'coz we were going to an event. I was suspicious then too, 'coz he didn't know I use glasses, but I have learnt that it is possible.

Ms.B223 wrote:So, I asked his brother about it... he had no idea what I was talking about... his mom and dad had no idea what I was talking about... Yet he swears up and down that he has it.

Maybe he hasn't told his family. Has he being officially diagnosed? How does he know he has DID? Have you seen changes in him that you may perceive as him having DID, amnesia, changes of moods, changes in the way he talks, being contradictory about how he thinks, etc.?

Ms.B223 wrote:So, I'm wondering, is it possible that since he knows about them, if they can interact with eachother but only He can't remember what they remember, but they can remember what he remembers. Or if he just really believes he has it, or if he is just using it as an excuse to cheat and get away with it.

It is completely possible he can't remember what some alters remember, it's usually the case. Some alters lock the memories of the trauma so that they as a group can function on a daily basis. Thus your boyfriend will not remember the trauma. And when they are prepared to face the memories, the alters share these memories with the whole system. They may also lock personal experiences. For example, Gatsby (my guy), would lock some moments from the rest of the system, even if they were not traumatic. What I've seen is that there is no rule as what they hide, besides traumatic memories.

If he's using it as an excuse to cheat and get away with it, you'll find out. I don't think that someone who uses it that way, can hold lying for so long. Trust your instincts, and try to truly read him. Does he go to a therapist? Have you been able to talk to the other alter or to other alters more deeply? Talking to other alters helped me understand his DID. Does he communicates in any way with his other alters?

Ms.B223 wrote:Oh, one last thing, his "atler" (the only one I've met) has threatened to kill or seriously hurt me if he's ever around me when he comes out.

Why did he say that? Do you know? Does your boyfriend know that? If not, I think it is pretty important that he talks or writes to "atler" and listens to him. Does Atler feel threatened by you? If your boyfriend gives Atler the possibility to talk or write to him, he may understand why he said those things to you, and you may act accordingly. I would say don't panic, but be cautious, an alter may totally be capable of hurting others. So it's really important that he is listened to so that he can express his anger or what ever he is feeling.

If this is the first time you come across DID do your research about it, understand what it is, read stories here that resonate with you, and surf the web for some more articles and books about it.

Hope everything works out well.

Sea

PS: I was dating a guy who has DID.

Thanks Una+. the alter that I've met, his name is Vladimir. It wasn't my phone number that changed, but my actual phone that he knew about. beside the point.

Una+ wrote:Did he tell her the same thing? This alter may be a protector, who thinks that by rejecting you he will save your boyfriend the emotional pain of being rejected by you.

Vlad never told her anything like that. She was the love of his life. she was all he could talk about when he came out.. He hates me and thinks I'm no good. I did break up with my boyfriend (David) at one point in our relationship. And I guess Vlad resents me for hurting him. his ex was scared of Vlad. Said he was obsessive. That she told his mom he needed to be hospitalized at one point, because she was starting to me a different "him" everyday and that his mom refused.
His mom flat out denied him having anything wrong with him, other than anger management issues. His brother had no idea what I was talking about.
My boyfriend (David) became very angry with me when he found out I had said anything at all about it to his family. Why would they deny something like this?
But he refuses to go back to a therapist, as he says he "doesn't like being hypnotized and tricked into switching". Vlad has told me that he can talk to David, but David hasn't fully accepted that they're there, and wont acknowledge them unless one of them are out. I only know of Vlad and Donovan. Donovan came out briefly last February. Only a few hours. David thought he was taking nap.

-- Thu Jan 16, 2014 8:54 pm --

Seangel wrote:

Maybe he hasn't told his family. Has he being officially diagnosed? How does he know he has DID? Have you seen changes in him that you may perceive as him having DID, amnesia, changes of moods, changes in the way he talks, being contradictory about how he thinks, etc.?

He and his ex have both told me he was diagnosed and he went to a therapist in highschool. He's constantly changing his opinion on movies, music, food. His moods change quickly.

Does he go to a therapist? Have you been able to talk to the other alter or to other alters more deeply? Talking to other alters helped me understand his DID. Does he communicates in any way with his other alters?

He hasn't gone to a therapist in 7 years, as he says he doesn't like switching or being forced to switch. He said the switch lasts too long. I don't know if he communicates with them... we don't really talk about it much. When I want to talk about it, he changes the subject or gets upset.

Why did he say that? Do you know? Does your boyfriend know that? If not, I think it is pretty important that he talks or writes to "atler" and listens to him. Does Atler feel threatened by you? If your boyfriend gives Atler the possibility to talk or write to him, he may understand why he said those things to you, and you may act accordingly. I would say don't panic, but be cautious, an alter may totally be capable of hurting others. So it's really important that he is listened to so that he can express his anger or what ever he is feeling.

He doesn't like the fact that I hurt David (boyfriend). He says I'm a bad person and I shouldn't be anywhere near him. Yes, I told him everything Vlad (alter) and I talked about those 2 days he was "out". David began crying and apologizing. We tried to come up with a secret code that way if Vlad came out again, I could ask about it and he wouldn't know. So that I could stay safely away from him... now I'm not so sure that's possible.... =(

If this is the first time you come across DID do your research about it, understand what it is, read stories here that resonate with you, and surf the web for some more articles and books about it.

It's not the first time. In my psychology class we went over it. I talked in further detail with my professor... but I just think it goes deeper than text books

I think it's worth repeating the point Una made, that the person your boyfriend presents as is an alter too. Every part of someone with DID is an alter. Some alters knowing details that another alter knows about is common. It's also common that the host, the one out most of the time, knows little or nothing that other parts know. I was amnesic for virtually all of my alters activities, which were few in adulthood, but one, Quato, knew or was able to find out anything I knew.

Your boyfriend's family isn't necessarily a reliable source of information. The vast majority of cases of DID were caused by abusive family members. This means that denial is a common response, as well as outright lying from those who were abusive. Selective memory, whitewashed memory, and no memory of certain events are still common in my own family.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Your boyfriend's family isn't necessarily a reliable source of information. The vast majority of cases of DID were caused by abusive family members. This means that denial is a common response, as well as outright lying from those who were abusive. Selective memory, whitewashed memory, and no memory of certain events are still common in my own family.

From what I understand, alter Vlad, told an ex girlfriend of his, what happened when he was little in detail. She wouldn't tell me, nor would he. Just said it was an aunt and it was bad. I don't know if his parents fully know that much, but I do believe they know his DID, now anyways. We just don't mention it. Ever. His mom and I are getting closer and talking about more things. I'm hoping one day I'll get the courage to talk to her about it.

So, do you see signs of DID in any of his family members? The aunt? The grandparent who presumably abused the aunt? That is the usual situation: patterns of child sexual abuse are passed down through generations.

Una+ wrote:So, do you see signs of DID in any of his family members? The aunt? The grandparent who presumably abused the aunt? That is the usual situation: patterns of child sexual abuse are passed down through generations.

No. I've only met his immediate family and his moms side.. From what I understand it was an aunt of his dad's side. I've never met them. And he and his brother don't spend anytime with them.