Recent Difficulties-- Trigger Warning

Hi All,

I don't know where to put this right now, so I'm posting here in hopes of getting some support.
I've been in a whirlwind this past week(s). I don't really know who I am anymore. My name seems familiar, reflexive almost, but I feel like I am having a hard time accessing my basic information. My inside is all mixed up, and I feel this almost indecipherability about who's expressing what and where things are coming from. It's been really difficult to manage day-to-day life, and I came home tonight to find myself having spent well over $300 in items (cash I really don't have to spend), in addition to having a piercing in my ear re-opened with an earring. I have glimmers of what's happened throughout the day, but no familiarity.

Communication has been... difficult. I work nearly full-time and it's hard to manage keeping up with myself enough to remember to do the internal bit all day, and often just let parts take over to manage how stressed out I am feeling. I love my parts so much, even those that I don't agree with entirely. But things are getting out of control with behaviors (not remembering to eat, go to sleep on time, behaving appropriate, etc.; everything that is entailed in external functioning). I find myself fibbing to cover up the fact that I am very dissociative and really don't remember a lot of what's happening.

Trigger**
I've been having medical issues with my reproductive system, and the poking and prodding and knowing that I have a cyst growing inside of me makes me feel so dirty, and like I am still amidst an assault. I need to go in to have a procedure, and I don't know how to organize my system enough to let the others help while I am in some control. I am having auditory and visual flashbacks, body memories of being very ill from being raped, and almost constant depersonalization/derealization. I am very scared, and there is some issues within my family (and abuser) that are making things difficult in addition. Some of the alters have very strong viewpoints on not being safe and its really difficult to demonstrate some restraint in holding them back. I am tired, and my body feels awful constantly from the barrage of stressful events. I am starting to have odd sensations regarding a babysitter I was under the care of, and no memory of what she looked like, what the house was like, etc. and I feel ill when I start to think of it. I just feel like there was so much abuse in my childhood, and it feels unbearable to think of another individual abusing me. I don't think I'm confabulating, but am concerned that I'm "impressionable", and the cumulative abuse that I underwent is feeling really unmanageable.
** End trigger

Does anyone have any experience with medical procedures? How do you keep your system organized when everything is haywire? How do you get to know alters without them divulging too much, or gaining too much control in the process? How do you know your own truth and have confidence in it?

Hi there.

It sounds like you have so much going on at once here. I'm so sorry to hear this.

How are you with this now? Have you been able to have the procedure done? Are you finding more peace?

Thinking of you (all).

Hey, thanks so much for dropping a line.

Things are slowing down some internally, which is good-- I'm trying to work on communication and attempting to find some manageability amidst all this. I've been finding a lot of relief in music and art, which I didn't expect.

The procedure is set for mid-February, so I'm going to be playing the waiting game. I just have no idea as to how to get through it, if a part should be there to do it (one is trying to convince me she "likes" it- she is by nature very sexual and somewhat violent), although I have my hesitations about doing that. I am trying to just brace myself that it's just going to suck, and that the body needs to do this to be healthy, although that honestly doesn't provide much relief. It just feels like the body needs to just survive, and we all have to cope with the awful-ness again.

It sounds like you're taking things step by step, and that's all you can do really

I really hope it goes as well as possible.

Thinking of you.

Hi, just popping in.

Hope things are improving.

abreality wrote:I don't know where to put this right now, so I'm posting here in hopes of getting some support.I've been in a whirlwind this past week(s). I don't really know who I am anymore.

abreality wrote:My inside is all mixed up, and I feel this almost indecipherability about who's expressing what and where things are coming from. It's been really difficult to manage day-to-day life,

I understand all these things. I've been going through the same sort of things. I look in the mirror and I don't really see myself, (not that I really know who that is). I don't really know what emotion is being felt. And I don't know if I'm actually feeling it or if something else is feeling it.
I've been finding/getting things that "I" bought, but don't remember actually buying the things. Spending money that I don't really have to be spending.
And half the time I don't exactly remember what I did during the day.

abreality wrote:Communication has been... difficult. I work nearly full-time and it's hard to manage keeping up with myself enough to remember to do the internal bit all day, and often just let parts take over to manage how stressed out I am feeling. I love my parts so much, even those that I don't agree with entirely. But things are getting out of control with behaviors (not remembering to eat, go to sleep on time, behaving appropriate, etc.; everything that is entailed in external functioning). I find myself fibbing to cover up the fact that I am very dissociative and really don't remember a lot of what's happening.

Understand Completely. Going through the same thing and It SUCKS!

No medical issues, but I can also understand all the feelings/flashbacks and everything.

abreality wrote:Does anyone have any experience with medical procedures? How do you keep your system organized when everything is haywire? How do you get to know alters without them divulging too much, or gaining too much control in the process? How do you know your own truth and have confidence in it?

I have no advice or anything what so ever (somewhat new to the whole thing), But I guess I can say... Um, lost my thoughts...

But you're not alone.
I'm sorry that you're going through all this stuff.
And I hope things are getting better.

Be Well.

Wow, thank you guys so much.
It's funny that you all brought this thread back up... having "one" of those nights.
I've been so "sick" all day (sporadically, able to distract for 15 minutes,then promptly sick again... don't think its a bug, just the system on overdrive)... so much so that I have been going to the toilet because I think I'm going to vomit, laying in bed with chills. This has been the "norm" lately. A lot of threats inside about what I can/can't do. Resolutions pending about what compromises can be made.
I didn't think about it til just now, but have been thinking- well, more appropriately, somewhat periodically acknowledging- that time is ticking and the procedure is coming up sooner rather than later. And, then as if the thought wasn't there to begin with, I'm off and running and in dissociative la-la land. And mostly misbehaving. And if I try to restore any order, I see the backlash within 12 hours. Peeps just don't wanna comply, and that's valid, we just need to stop jeapordizing the body's integrity/safety for the sake of something being reaped that I don't quite understand. It's just difficult dealing with the physical side effects of the internal atmosphere.
Thank y'all for your support. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through similar sentiments, AShatteredSoul, but I am thankful for your support. And I love that statement "Be Well"-- it really hits the nail on the head.