Not allowed to have this and be this

Hi, I'm brand new to the forum. Not new to DID, though. I was diagnosed over five years ago at nearly 50 y.o.

My insiders hide and internal communication is poor. I've got two issues I haven't been able to resolve: In my original family I received a message that I cannot be a child and that I always have to present as strong and okay. This feels like it is set in concrete. Since I have child parts, this is a fundamental problem. It's like "we" don't have the right to exist at all. No one feels emotionally safe.

Also, all through my life there have been a series of harsh rules reinforced again and again (including religious ones) that I am not allowed to fear. Fear was always the most strongly prohibited emotion. And my little ones are full of tormenting fear. This is another layer that keeps my inside ones banished and out of sight.

I have tried many times and ways--the standard things the books say to do--to reach out to my insiders, to engage them, the journaling, you name it. But the self-rejection is so strong, and they are smart and realize I'm reaching out in my head, but that my heart has all these issues.

I've gotten almost nowhere in therapy these last five years. I'm on my fourth T. "We" are extremely defended and don't know how to get better.

Welcome to the forum!

I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am 47, unofficially diagnosed ( my T DOES refer to my alters, but has never said "yes, you have DID"). I have little to no communication, but know they are there.
Stick around a while. This is a very informative and supportive place!

I'd suggest talking directly to those parts who have internalized the illogical rules of the family. They may be introjects or just alters who claimed the rules as their own. But understand they did it to survive and that you have done. The message might be a sincere "thanks for holding on when we needed these rules, but they are not logical and I ask that you let go now."

It's clearly absurd that a child cannot be a child but must be always strong. Children can be strong when needed, these controlling parts were when they were children, but the fact of nature is that they are still children. I have many littles and there's no question for me personally that they are alters and they are children. Children are awesome and they are vulnerable in a way that someone with the experience and understanding of an adult aren't.

You say that it feels like it is set in concrete but the operative word is "feels." Obviously there's no concrete in your mind but there are rules that exist in order to have survived in the toxic and illogical world you grew up in.

You might also consider the possibility that you as an alter, the host, are either an introject with those rules or a host who is heavily influenced by one or more alters. If you feel you'd got nowhere in therapy with one T, I'd say dump the T. But it sounds like the issue is within you. You seem to have a mental mechanism -- and the mechanism for us with DID is an alter -- that pushes away points of view which allow you to question the validity of the family rules.

I am not like you about children but I do sense a commonality in family message about having to be strong and okay all the time. Some part or parts of you need to be able to entertain the possibility the rules and constructions about things like fear are simply invalid rules. You can prove pretty easily they are illogical.

Fear is an emotion common to all of us and it's often logical, given our circumstances. Denying it's existence is, of course, absurd. I would consider the possibility that one or more of those who influence you with the illogical rules are child alters who are themselves afraid. If I were you, I would try speaking and writing directly, many times, to those frightened alters who influence you that you know they are scared but that it's okay to step forward now, to you at least. But it's got to be you who doesn't give up, ever, in trying to reach, comfort, soothe them.

When you communicate, try to engage yourself in the emotional meaning of what you say. Connection to what you say needs to start with you. Look for what messages resonate. If you feel a response, if something you do triggers strong emotion, that is where you should go. For example, do you feel that children (in the outside world) have the right to be and are in fact vulnerable small people who deserve protection and nurturing?

Thank you for your welcome and kind words, Snuffthrooster.

And Johnny-Jack, wow. I so appreciate your insightful post. No therapist has ever suggested any ways for me to try to help in these areas, and here you've given me several real ideas/approaches and ways to think about this differently.

You also encourage me to consider my own role. I had forgotten that therapist #2 many times told me that she believed I am a protector. There's some evidence pointing that direction. Only I don't know what real difference that may make or what, if anything, to do about it.

I definitely want to relinquish the family rules and well understand that they are impeding progress. It's like head and heart are at odds.

Hmmm. Thanks for giving me some things to work on!

Welcome aboard. We are new writing here in the past month as well. As I was reading your post it sounds like we are in similar situations. I was almost 50 when I learned that I have all these other parts. Reading that there were always harsh rules that had to be followed fits us to a tee. Just reading that caused anxiety for some parts. Even though fear was the prohibited emotion growing up by the ones in your life, fear is what has made us the way we are.

I have had a difficult time truly accepting that there are multiple people in this body. Over the past 2 years we have made a lot of progress in the communication issue. I used to try to reach out, but then not really want to, or only wanted the others to communicate with me when it was convenient for me. Didn't work to well. Just a couple weeks ago I asked for help here on how to deal with my teens when they are angry with me. We have better communication but at times it really falls apart. I just can say DON'T GIVE UP. It can get better. There are other parts and those other parts (at least mine) have been deeply wounded and still live in that time period of the hurt. Our t is always saying you have to act your way into new ways of thinking. Meaning I have to continually reach out in a calm manner (which isn't easy a lot of the time as I still haven't come to complete acceptance - but being honest and saying that has helped the others realize that even though I'm the adult I don't have all the answers and get scared also). Only through constant reminders that we are now safe will the fear ever be able to be replaced with a new feeling. My t sends me texts when we are approaching a panic that just says things like you are safe. Stay safe. Do things that tie you to now, like listening to music (which was forebidding growing up), light a candle (to have a pleasant scent), etc...

Things that I have done to help in reaching the younger parts have been buying a coloring book and crayons and actually sitting and coloring. Saying things while I'm coloring like - I hope someone wants to color with me. I'm lonely and would like to talk with you. What are some of your favorite colors. I also have found that putting a puzzle together has reached some of my parts. I sleep with a stuffed bear that our t gave us and invite others to help me hold the bear. I have three dogs that I always ask help in brushing. In the spring/summer I ask for help picking out flowers, planting them, and caring for them. I've found that doing things in a child like manner has encouraged some of my younger parts to come forward where journaling didn't - maybe they can't all read and write yet.

Keep reading here. So many good ideas get posted and it is so nice to know we are not alone. Welcome aboard again and just keep trying, but I found I couldn't force things as trying to force things was a lot like those harsh rules that existed when we were children.

Sammy's Group, thanks so much for the welcome and for sharing some of your own story. It does help to know others are struggling with dynamics that may not be just the same but require similar persistence, patience and finesse. I do appreciate the admonition from both you and Johnny-Jack to keep on and not give up. There's been so much resistance that truly it seemed too hard and I basically quit trying. But of course, I remained stuck. Not good.

Thank you for sharing the ways you have continued to reach out to your young parts. I think it really helps to have more options in the tool kit, more ways in mind to make the effort to engage my little ones. I like the idea of asking them to join you when you do something like brushing the dogs and gardening. And doing things in a childlike manner.

I think I need to let childlike voices come more. Even if it's just "us" alone. I have used "play" voices in the past, like jokey voices, but that might also be someone wanting to express. I think I need to not be afraid if there is a mix of someone else and me.

The strongest interactions I've ever had with my inside ones has been during terror abreactions on the heels of triggers, and that's not the only way I want them to surface. Even that hasn't happened in a long time, and it seems everyone has remained silent and hidden. Except for sending up emotions that feel like they come from a long distance away.

Thank you so much again.

Just wanted to add to this topic...that my fear is greatly complicated by having been in a religious movement for 35 years that viewed fear as the worst possible thing. So it was disallowed throughout my adult life, as well.

That was my family of origin too. For example, I was newly grieving someone's death. My father said I seemed angry and asked me what was I angry about. I replied, calmly, that I was angry about the death. My father instantly flew into a rage, screaming that I had no right to be angry.

As a child I was damaged repeatedly by such behavior from my father. As an adult I recognize that he is mentally very ill, and that I am not responsible for his illness nor can I fix him, and that in fact I have every right to be angry. I keep myself and my own children safe.

Una+, that kind of invalidation and actually terrorizing you over having your feelings must have been oh-so damaging. I hate that he did that to you. You certainly had every right and need to feel angry after your loss.

One of the things I have greatly longed for IRL has been for therapists and others to validate my emotions. It seems like no one has known what I was talking about, during all the times I have tried to request this kind of help. (Though IMO, it should be taught in Therapy 101!) I realize it probably comes down to me needing to validate my own emotions, but it is hard and doesn't feel as significant as it would if someone else could say, "You feel afraid for good reason. Your father scared the **** out of you." At least thus far I haven't been able to validate my little ones sufficiently.

Caeri, in responding to Una, you seem perfectly able to recognize, more importantly to express that children outside the body (someone other than you and your alters) have the right to feel terror. This seems to sidestep the rules. If so, you may be able to take advantage of that. Would you be able to express that fully, say, aloud, to just whatever little child anywhere might be listening? I'm pretty sure I've done this and it created a bit of a breakthrough. I didn't have your strictures but there were definitely blocks against connecting. What happened was they overheard me and could see how I felt. So I apologized for taking so long, for not believing in them sometimes. It did lead to healing.