gender bending/doubting DID . .

Hello there

Was wondering if I could gain some perspectives on my pondering's. . .

Ok so I have an ego state that is male. He has been with me since infancy.
The thing is my t was describing a patient to me in hopes of me understanding
why she says I am did or ddnos or something.

She said this guy kept waking up in his car, not knowing where he is and I'm women's
Clothing. She said she made a mistake and spoke to his woman alter and said
'i would like you to just touch you arms, your chest and notice your body. Do you notice that you are in the body of a man, that tired body is male' the lady alter freaked out because she had not realised this at all.
It got me thinking my make ego state knows that we are female. When he takes front I do however see myself morth into a man.

Now also we often Co exist up front during certain times and I lose perspective, grounding of my true gender and feel completely alien in my body. So we kind of meet half way,I get the top half and he gets gets the bottom. So we use a 'pack' so he/we feel like we are in the right body! Ok even I'm confused so I hope your still with me here!

So my pondering is-do I know I am female and only THINK he knows we are female. When in fact he really dose not know he is not a he but me!
Or is it some thing else going on?

Just to be clear I in no way wish to be male or think I was bornin the wrong body.in factno offence but penis could not be more not my thing! In fact when I become more front and centre to him it freaks me out that I'm padded out down there!

The other thing is my t knows none of this. She just thinks I used to cross dress too feel more connected to my body when I morph out/disassociate.
should I tell her about this entire relationship I have with my alter ego Sam?

I really how one of you amazing people followed this because I am feeling a bit lost!

Thanks fir taking the time to read either way

I have a solution for now-sleep!

Hey,

Have you ever tried asking Sam if he knows or doesn't know?
When our male(s) is on front he feels male and the self image becomes weird cause he knows we're female. The more aware he becomes of our life, body, the more difficult it becomes for him to live it.
Of course you should tell the t, if you/one of you is not too scared to do it. We're scared all the time but we let him speak up about it when the need for him to do so became bigger than the reasons to hide it, since he was (is) having more and more trouble trying to live in a female body. It was good for him to have someone who confirmed that he shouldn't just 'get over it' as if it's some phase that comes from being weird or ill, and someone who understood how difficult living like a transgender is. If your t is a dissociation t or DID t, I think she knows what 'being a cross-dresser' could really be about or she would at least have considered the possibility that there could be more to it than just cross-dressing.. Since it's fairly common to have alters of the other gender.

There are a few male alts within in this system. The ones that aren't too young are aware of the feminine body, which is why they bind the chest. A person would have to have very little self-awareness to not know their biological gender. However, packing, binding, etc. shows awareness and the desire for the physical body to look or feel more like the gender of the self-state.

What exactly are you unsure about with telling your T? You aren't trying to get testosterone injections, so it won't cause any bodily changes. If the "cross dressing" causes problems, find a way to communicate that to your male alt.

riverside wrote:The thing is my t was describing a patient to me in hopes of me understanding
why she says I am did or ddnos or something. [...] The other thing is my t knows none of this.

Why do you think your T does not know? Given what she has shared with you about "a patient," she may have at least a very good guess about your situation.

riverside wrote:should I tell her about this entire relationship I have with my alter ego Sam?

Yes, of course you should tell her all about it.

Thanks everyone for your replies. You have all helped so much ye tagain.

I was taken back by the resounding yes to tell my t. Which actually really shocked me because it's totally obvious that I should tell her. now that's another point,I do believe I am not the same and the state that wrote the last entry.

My t often says things like'I'm not a mind reader,I can't see into your thoughts'
I in reply always say'of course your not,I know that' until one day it got to much and I asked why she kept saying it.I understand completely that it is her psychology training that makes her aware and gives her insights. I was shocked yet again when she said 'o know you know , but I'm not nesserseraly talking to this part of you' . Why on earth was a shocked?I know her diagnosis!

Am I dissociating/switching ego states during therapy and not knowing?

I feel phySical pain alot more than the other big riverside but I'm still her. Just a more logical side.

OK-So what do I say to my t? Una+ made a totally valid point (as always) why do I think she told me about this other patient if she didn't have some idea about what was going on?

At the time,I didn't get the link she was making at all! I thought she was telling me I didn't have it as bad as him. . . Could thatstill be the case. . .guess the only way is to ask!

Ok so- I told my t and believed it at the time that I only started cross dressing/gender dissociating when I started puberty.now I know based on photographic evidence that it started way before then.the photo b sparked alot of dissociated memories of Sam coming forward to play' mum and dad '
In infant school.

From my point of view I'm coming out to my t about having a dissociative identity for the first time. Probably because I have access to emotion rather than just pure logic.

How on earth do I tell her? I worry she will think I'm changing my story to fit with what I want to be true because I'm screwed up in the head. . .

It really helped to hear about your chest binding btw and older male states unease at having a female body. Fire the first ever I've decided to let Sam all or and do what he needs to , too feel good and safe and proud. This is a huge step in acceptance, I'm hoping it wool give me more energy fir other things except fighting myself and help me to integrate Sam.

??? Maybe. . .lol

riverside wrote:I was shocked yet again when she said 'o know you know , but I'm not nesserseraly talking to this part of you' . Why on earth was a shocked?I know her diagnosis!

Your T just told you she has knowingly been talking through you, the host, to your other parts. This usually has the effect of shocking the host. I think the shock is automatic, not cognitive. Talking through activates parts of a multiple's brain that normally are not activated, and the sensation is very peculiar.

riverside wrote:Am I dissociating/switching ego states during therapy and not knowing?

Probably. That is the normal situation.

Here is a thread about talking through:

DID Forum: How do you to talk through the host to an insider?