*trigger warning-Denial*
I have been fooling myself. I wanted answers so bad that I convinced myself I have DID. I don't. No one takes over and blocks my view. I am aware at all times. The following is what I do have:
I have a bad memory. Few memories of childhood and teen years. I have huge chunks of adulthood that are missing.
I do not pay attention. Like I am overlooking my surroundings or just not paying attention to what is going on around me or where I put things.
I get lightheaded and dizzy. I guess this is vertigo. When I am hearing a voice other than my own come from my mouth it is probably just being too tired and stressed.
Sure, I forget conversations/events that took place just a few hours before, but that is just a bad memory, stress and tiredness.
The "voices" I have heard in my head are just normal hallucinations when going to sleep and waking up.
The loss of control over what I do/say is just me giving in to normal behaviors that "normal" people can control.
I remember bad things that happened to me. Very bad things. If I can remember these and from what I can find out, there was nothing worse that happened, just that things happened regularly, I did not experience enough to give me DID.
They do not write to me.
The songs playing are only intrusive thoughts. Normal people get these too.
I have only had a few memories come back. They are so blocked that I can not access them.
I don't like my name. That doesn't mean that I should go by a different one.
My mother walking past my room when I was a child and hearing me talk to someone, then hearing a different voice reply, while I was alone, was only me playing pretend as a child.
My invisible friend, Belty, was just that, an invisible friend. I've been told she was always there and always part of the family. I would say things like "Belty wants to go" or "Belty wants more", but she was just an imaginary friend, like normal kids have.
No one takes over without me knowing what is going on. That is the biggest point. Sure, there is such a thing as co-consciousness. Wouldn't they have shown themselves somewhere? Wouldn't they have taken complete control and blacked me out? Wouldn't I have "came to" and not known what was going on? Wouldn't they leave me a note? Wouldn't they talk to me in a normal voice in my head? Wouldn't I realize they weren't my thoughts?Wouldn't I have "blacked out" during the day and not just have conversations/events simply missing? I can stop myself from buying a stuffed animal. I should be able to keep myself from saying stupid sh*t or telling someone personal stuff I shouldn't.
There is no one there.