Our partner

Rant *trigger warning*

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Snaga, NewSunRising, lilyfairy

Rant *trigger warning*

Postby Snuffthroostr » Fri Dec 06, 2013 3:49 am

*trigger warning-Denial*

I have been fooling myself. I wanted answers so bad that I convinced myself I have DID. I don't. No one takes over and blocks my view. I am aware at all times. The following is what I do have:

I have a bad memory. Few memories of childhood and teen years. I have huge chunks of adulthood that are missing.

I do not pay attention. Like I am overlooking my surroundings or just not paying attention to what is going on around me or where I put things.

I get lightheaded and dizzy. I guess this is vertigo. When I am hearing a voice other than my own come from my mouth it is probably just being too tired and stressed.


Sure, I forget conversations/events that took place just a few hours before, but that is just a bad memory, stress and tiredness.

The "voices" I have heard in my head are just normal hallucinations when going to sleep and waking up.

The loss of control over what I do/say is just me giving in to normal behaviors that "normal" people can control.

I remember bad things that happened to me. Very bad things. If I can remember these and from what I can find out, there was nothing worse that happened, just that things happened regularly, I did not experience enough to give me DID.

They do not write to me.

The songs playing are only intrusive thoughts. Normal people get these too.

I have only had a few memories come back. They are so blocked that I can not access them.

I don't like my name. That doesn't mean that I should go by a different one.

My mother walking past my room when I was a child and hearing me talk to someone, then hearing a different voice reply, while I was alone, was only me playing pretend as a child.

My invisible friend, Belty, was just that, an invisible friend. I've been told she was always there and always part of the family. I would say things like "Belty wants to go" or "Belty wants more", but she was just an imaginary friend, like normal kids have.

No one takes over without me knowing what is going on. That is the biggest point. Sure, there is such a thing as co-consciousness. Wouldn't they have shown themselves somewhere? Wouldn't they have taken complete control and blacked me out? Wouldn't I have "came to" and not known what was going on? Wouldn't they leave me a note? Wouldn't they talk to me in a normal voice in my head? Wouldn't I realize they weren't my thoughts?Wouldn't I have "blacked out" during the day and not just have conversations/events simply missing? I can stop myself from buying a stuffed animal. I should be able to keep myself from saying stupid sh*t or telling someone personal stuff I shouldn't.

There is no one there.
DX DID, Major Depressive Disorder
Snuffthroostr
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 338
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:22 am
Local time: Thu Aug 07, 2025 12:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Rant *trigger warning*

Postby Big_Bad_Harv » Fri Dec 06, 2013 11:40 pm

I love Pink Floyd =) Just noticing your signature.

Not to aggravate your situation if it would rather not be aggravated but... you posted here. Maybe it's because you'd like a response.

My sister never 'blacks out,' and the reality of my situation is, in my opinion, written pretty clearly on my face. When I'm driving, my emotions only make it to one side of my face. My right eye twitches and I speak, some days more pronouncedly than others, out of the right side of our mouth.

I look in the mirror at the odd stare in my left eye-- it doesn't blink often enough, and its eyebrow is slightly raised, and I know it's her, just watching me run her life. When I look back at the nights she spent, they're like I was sleep walking, but she always knows where I've been.

What she doesn't remember is what I've said, and she, like you, hears voices.

I'm not a professional, but you posted here, so that's my response.

"There's someone in my head... but it's not me."
Big_Bad_Harv
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2013 4:00 am
Local time: Thu Aug 07, 2025 5:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Rant *trigger warning*

Postby zrcalo » Fri Dec 06, 2013 11:59 pm

I've always thought there was a spectrum for splitting. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you dont necessarily need to have someone blocking your view to be dissociative. Traumas also effect people differently. While one thing may harm a person immensely, the other person may not even be bothered by it. We're all different from each other.

If you do have large chunks of your life "missing" perhaps you may be repressing them because of unpleasant memories, or it may just be that nothing eventful happened to put a marker in your memory.

I'm not a professional, and I only speak for my own experience, but I thought similar thoughts about myself until I actually started talking to people and began seeing a therapist a month ago. I wasnt aware that my "characters" were causing large lapses in time and reality.

On another note, even if you do just have bad memory, I would start writing things down to keep track of stuff. Thats what I've been starting to do.
this is stupid
zrcalo
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 152
Joined: Thu Nov 14, 2013 5:32 am
Local time: Thu Aug 07, 2025 5:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Rant *trigger warning*

Postby Big_Bad_Harv » Sat Dec 07, 2013 12:17 am

Oh, and if they don't leave you any notes, maybe you should be the one to extend that courtesy. If no-one writes back, no-one writes back =)
Big_Bad_Harv
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2013 4:00 am
Local time: Thu Aug 07, 2025 5:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Rant *trigger warning*

Postby lifelongthing » Sat Dec 07, 2013 11:26 am

Hi there Roostr.

We all go through denial sometimes, and that's okay. It serves a purpose and it absolutely a natural part of DID :) Don't let the thoughts take away too much of your progress in dealing with your others though. It's a difficult road but you've been on it for a long time, don't lose track of it now :)

Thinking of you.
lifelongthing
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 7991
Joined: Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:11 am
Local time: Thu Aug 07, 2025 5:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Rant *trigger warning*

Postby Snuffthroostr » Fri Dec 13, 2013 2:42 am

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. I haven't had a chance to get on lately, so I am sorry this response took so long. It has been a rough couple of weeks. Still not out of the denial, but I am working on it.
DX DID, Major Depressive Disorder
Snuffthroostr
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 338
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:22 am
Local time: Thu Aug 07, 2025 12:33 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)


Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 105 guests