Going to see therapist tomorrow what do I do?

So I've been talking to my therapist for about a month now, but I've never told her about my "characters" . Lately I've been having a LOT of trouble with one, and I've been losing chunks of time and even freaked out and became very angry at my girlfriend because it seemed like I was gone for months and then just woke up. I've been busy yes, but I live with her. In the same room. And see her every day. The time gaps have since filled themselves but it's still a surreal experience. It's like I watched from afar or was only partially there. idk.

Part of me doesnt want to talk to my therapist about this and just focus on external things, ie; depression, mania, hallucinations, etc. Because those seem "real" and definable. Not just.. in my head. I dont know I'm really new here and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this. I've been fighting against my alters for years and even created their own world for them and created social boundaries for them to be accepted in.... ie; "oh hey this is my character from a book I'm writing, let me tell you about them while I slowly nudge you into talking directly to them because they dont know what to do."

I've been using roleplay as a vector for them, and even now.. in my head I'm being told to stop and shut up because this is dangerous and I might make it worse. Because talking about it and admitting I have a problem would make me look "crazy" and then I'm only "looking for attention" because "DID doesnt exist".
And I dont quite know what to feel about these thoughts and feelings. I've never quite encountered them like this before. Usually everyone just doesnt care what I do, or there's a group consensus. It's not just tons and tons of fearful screaming telling me to stop because what happens if I open that can of worms? Would I even be able to talk to the therapist? Or will I just do damage control?

I'm thinking about talking very blankly about it. Just returning to objectivity. Remove myself from the equation and talking about "my characters taking over my body" (which who the heck knows who I am ) with my therapist.

I just.. I dont know if I'm ready and I just dont want to hurt myself mentally by talking about it.
I'm so sorry. I wish I could say more and differentiate the parts by their names but I'm not allowed to.

On the other flipside, how do I talk about this coherently? Do I just start out with "these are facets of myself that I've split into various entities and now it's gotten out of hand?" Or is that approach too offensive? ...I really dont know what I'm doing. I've been trying to research DID for a while and trying to read this forum but I keep freaking out and exiting the windows and then putting my foot down against everyone and telling them "no. you live in your own world that I made for you, you're not allowed out even if you want to. You're not allowed to talk, and you're not allowed to do anything but present yourself as something separate from me" And I dont even know who I am.

Should I try to come to terms with it first before talking with my therapist? How do I prepare everyone for that? I dont want them coming out and making up stupid things to get me in trouble. I dont want them lying. I dont want to be lying. I dont want to get there and be like "huh. well this isnt a problem at all. and I have no idea why I was freaking out about it earlier" and then just forget about it or not talk about it at all. Or just downplay it. I also dont want to up-play it either and make a big deal out of nothing. Or so I'm thinking.

I've never had a therapist before. And for the past month, I've been nothing but objective and logical with my explanations of things and my experiences. Like.. the person I am there is not the person that needs to be there. He's just fronting for the person that needs to be there. She can do that too, but she doesnt want to.

oh my god this is not even coherent.

If I had anything in here that could be triggering, please let me know so I can mark it. I dont think there is, but I'm not quite sure.

I write about the others in my body as well, as if they're characters in a book, and one of them also roleplays on the internet (with or without me) from time to time. The rest of them have their own email accounts (primarily for when they would gmail chat with me and a friend of mine), and profiles on various things-- It's one of my primary methods of letting them get into my world.

Like you, my others have their own world that I developed, and I can't concede that they're just a part of me in some way. Because... they aren't.

If I were you, I would try decide what I wanted (or didn't want) before I brought this up to a therapist. For example, try to figure out if you want to integrate, change who's fronting, learn to allow others to front, just want someone to talk to about it (but not change anything), etc.
My worst case scenario would be having a therapist convince me that I needed to integrate. I don't want to integrate. All I want is someone to talk to. But I have DID, so it isn't all that hard for someone to succeed at pushing me into things.

But back to what you had mentioned, I go through stages of believing that I don't have DID all of the time. And often times I fear that admitting I have it will somehow hurt the people involved. Plus, like you, I never want to be "the crazy one". So I'm trying to manage it as best as I can, and hopefully I'll have a good therapist soon too.

How about asking her why she doesn't want to go see the therapist?
I think that therapists should be there to help ease the confusion, instead of figuring everything out before we tell them. But I know exactly how this is cause we do it all the time too. And there's also the trust issues they don't make it any easier. Since you've only been seeing the t for a month, I'd say that's normal. I don't know how you should bring it up, I did all the wrong things myself so I wouldn't recommend that approach. I might test her to see if she'd be open to the idea? Idk.

"Characters taking over my head" is such a common joke amongst the roleplaying community that I have to wonder how many RPers are actually multiple - using forums to express underlying alters.

In all seriousness, I am aware that there is a great deal of scepticism when it comes to the RP arena and people who claim to have DID. I watched a video of a multiple girl from the UK with some internet fame who spoke about RPers and stated emphatically that people with DID do not RP. I think this is pretty shortsighted. I spent years on RP sites writing as characters that 'just appeared' in my head in order to give the endless noise an outlet. I have massive internal worlds and writing has been the only way to express them. The only times I felt at all comfortable with myself was when I gave them that space to exist and interact, especially when they took over and spoke as themselves in live chatboxes.

If you don't like what a therapist says then you don't have to go back to them. If they suggest things that make you uncomfortable then they aren't right for you. I also get blocked trying to talk about specific identities, but it's easier to approach the subject in vague terms in the beginning anyway.

"If I were you, I would try decide what I wanted (or didn't want) before I brought this up to a therapist. For example, try to figure out if you want to integrate, change who's fronting, learn to allow others to front, just want someone to talk to about it (but not change anything), etc."

I think I just really want a professional opinion about it and how I can make coping mechanisms or learn to deal with this.

***trigger warning****

I have a terribly horrible bad habit of killing alters, and forcibly mashing others together. Really their "safe place" is the real world as the world I've given them is not a good place. Though things have been improving drastically since we now have a real leader and architect. There's more structure and things are more concrete and stable now. It's still not a safe place, but it's a place to live instead of just survive. After all the dust has cleared, everyone was damaged in a different way. Some of them decided to kill themselves, some of them decided to leave for a while, and others decided to go dormant and just observe.

**** end trigger warning ****

How about asking her why she doesn't want to go see the therapist?

Because I tried therapy on her. I tried many many different things for a very long time. She has different alters like me, and she started cracking apart slightly about two years ago. Losing time and switching rapidly. She used to be cohesive before, albeit put under intense stress. And I saw her as a massive threat. So I would shut her off and put her through "therapy" and would just deny her and myself and both of our experiences with abuse. Then I hated her as she got worse, so I threw her aside and didnt allow her to talk to my friends or do anything. Then she shattered, and I dont know what happened to her alters. She had a massive construct in her own mind, but I dont know where it went and she's not cohesive. She's literally shattered and I did that to her. And I feel so incredibly bad and angry about it. She takes over forcibly and I dont know her intentions. It feels as though she's trying to get... my life back?? I dont know. I dont understand. I cant be around my parents because I cant stop crying and rocking back and forth and whispering under my breath. I dont want to blame her, because all actions are subjectively "mine". But oh my god she yelled at my girlfriend and freaked the hell out and called her fat. just.. WHO DOES THAT?? My gf's extremely understanding and caring and has been nothing but supportive through this thing. we were a little distant earlier but... maybe serev having a mental breakdown was good? Because it's an outward sign that we need help.

99% of everyone else absolutely hates her, but she's really close to me and I dont know what to do.

@skin
I used to use telnet to rp through when I would manually set it up on a windows 3.1 computer. lol. I feel old.
I used to have "characters" even as early as kindergarten. Heck, one of my alters I have (the really logical one that often fronts to the therapist) dates back to 1994. And his archetype was much much earlier. I had severe isolation as a kid, so I'm sure a lot of this stems from that.

Serev is essentially all my abuse and neglect put into one person and turned up to eleven. And I feel so bad and terrible for doing that to her. I'm terrified that I broke her beyond repair. She needs help. Lots of help. And I need to aid in her reconstruction in her own head, but I'm terrified of going there.

Just letting you guys know everything went really well! I described my symptoms in my own words with my own experiences and my therapist was able to pinpoint it as DID and asked me what my goals were with it. Which was really awesome! She wants to hear more about everyone else inside, so they can stop faking being "me".

But I dont know who "me" is anymore, I dont think. I guess I see myself as more of a neutral entity? My name means "mirror", so perhaps something to do with that. I used to have a placeholder identity but I think it got swallowed up by a few other characters. :/ I dont even have anything in my head to symbolize myself with.

I am so glad that went well for you! I made some phone calls today in an attempt to find a therapist for myself, and found an organization that has 20+ therapists and offers a sliding scale for session costs based on income. Once the intake secretary calls me back (hopefully tomorrow?) I'll be able to get the ball rolling!

Awesome! Thats so cool!
I'm a whole lot more comfortable now with everything. Also my therapist doesnt want to force integration. So yaaaay! I think integration hurt Serev, so we're working on restoring her.