Having problems writing on here

I've been having some problems lately with writing about our system on here. I know this from experience and I know a lot of you experience the same, with parts that don't want things revealed or have other concerns.

*trigger warning*
I've been having problems staying safe from my abusers and I know this is part of what's triggered it. Thankfully I no longer write the names of my alters on here that are in any way identifiable to me and a mod agreed to edit my posts for two names that were troubling to have on here due to danger.

How do you deal with members of the system that are nervous about their safety when writing on here, when you cannot disregard their point of view and just tell them "it's safe"? Any tips for how to open up to the forum again in a way that feels constructive? I don't want my only contributions here to become short one-liners of support and the occasional "put on my mod-hat" sort of post and I'm nervous that's the direction we're heading in. I don't want to be naive and post too revealing things either, but a middle ground where we're able to share our thoughts about ourselves and our situation and ask for support or advice as well as supporting others would be good.

There are so many lovely people here and I love the feeling of community and support that's here.

So - any tips for soothing the parts that are still triggered by everything that's been happening in our life and in part taking it out on our habits on the forum?

Thanks

I'm not in a good place emotionally right now but I wanted to say how much I appreciate you. Your comments and replies are always comforting and supportive. You have made me feel safe to post here.

Thank you so much bevia. It really means a lot to us to hear that I'm glad you feel safe to post, I've really enjoyed getting to know you better

Lifelongthing, I don't know the particulars of your situation so I have no way of evaluating whether any part of your system has good reason to feel not safe here.

I can say that no online group is guaranteed to be safe, not even the ones "protected" by requiring you to subscribe or even disclose personal information about yourself before you can read any content. Ultimately your personal safety rests in your own hands, in your maintenance of your own personal boundaries. You can obscure your identity by not sharing certain details here. Or you can do it by not sharing details with anyone in your family of origin, and having little or no contact with them. Or you can be open about your identity but at the same time be not accessible to those who would like to hurt you, by living far away from them and screening your phone calls and e-mails and so on.

I can also say that sometimes our feelings of being at risk are more about the past not the present. It is always important to figure out which it is. If you feel at risk and disregard your feeling because you think it is coming from the past, you may actually expose yourself to greater risk.

The most helpful book I found on the topic of personal risk assessment and safety was Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

Good luck sorting all this out for yourself.

Ultimately your personal safety rests in your own hands, in your maintenance of your own personal boundaries. You can obscure your identity by not sharing certain details here.

This i what I'm struggling to convey to this part of me, as while there is a safety risk in being here, there are ways around that that don't have to include not sharing anything about us.

Or you can do it by not sharing details with anyone in your family of origin, and having little or no contact with them. Or you can be open about your identity but at the same time be not accessible to those who would like to hurt you, by living far away from them and screening your phone calls and e-mails and so on.

I have done all this to very little avail and have been at the point for a good while now where police involvement has been highly necessary and is the main reason I'm as safe (albeit not that safe at all) as I am. Were I in another country that were less backwards I probably would be safe by now.

I can also say that sometimes our feelings of being at risk are more about the past not the present. It is always important to figure out which it is. If you feel at risk and disregard your feeling because you think it is coming from the past, you may actually expose yourself to greater risk.

Absolutely agree, and is what we are working with this part to see. That while we are at risk doing much of anything, there are ways to tailor what we do and say so that we can take part of not only our community where we live but also on here. I cannot afford to be naive, but this part of me is having trouble differentiating what risk belongs where (e.g what I need to keep private on here might not be the same or be done in the same way as when I go to an art class for instance - there's a difference to where and with who and so forth).

The most helpful book I found on the topic of personal risk assessment and safety was Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

Thank you. I've heard you mention that one before and I think it's time I read it

Good luck sorting all this out for yourself.

Thank you

Hi lifelongthing,

I think it is good to be security-conscious. I am sometimes too little of that - like recently, when you pointed out to me that in a particular situation I hadn't really considered the implications for my own safety, and of course you were right. I have a blind spot in that area, presumambly coming from a time when I wasn't allowed to think about ways to stay safe - you are beyond that block and that's a good thing.

I'm sorry you are still not in a situation where you feel entirely safe from certain people and I agree, you should not have to still think about protecting yourself, but unfortunately our society lets many, many abusers walk free while the abused have to defend themselves. In so far, it is understandable that there is a part of you who feels that posting on here may be a security risk. Better safe than sorry.

One thing Gavin de Becker emphasises in his book (which I highly recommend too) is proper risk assessment. He gives a protocol how one can assess how much risk an activity or situation really is - maybe by applying this to your particular circumstances, you can come up with specific safety measures that can give you a maximum of freedom while still staying safe. One danger of too much security-consciousness (no matter how justified) is that people withdraw from situations that pose only a moderate or low risk and thus miss out on good things in life, like this forum.

May I ask if the problem with posting on here is more with people potentially being able to find you in RL or with you not wanting them to have the information you're posting? If the former, there are many things you could do to make posting on here safer - you already mentioned not using names and maybe specific details. You could also use a VPN network to disguise your IP address so it is not trackable. If anyone gives you grief via the forum you can track their IP and forward anything threatening to the police.

If it is more about your privacy in general - I understand that the thought that an abuser could read the personal messages on here is disconcerting. Don't know about you, but I always feel a bit like an abuser is looking over my shoulder, even when that is very unlikely. Only you know how likely it really is that these people will look for, find and identify you on here. But if they do, see above - since the police is already involved, any kind of online harassment can go straight to them via a stalking report.

I'm glad you have a part who is security-conscious and wants to keep you safe on here. Just remind them maybe that writing on here and having a support network is part of staying safe too, and withdrawing could possibly mean that the abusers are taking this away from you, even if they haven't actively tried yet. Don't let them do that unless it is really necessary.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write Tribe

I think it is good to be security-conscious. I am sometimes too little of that - like recently, when you pointed out to me that in a particular situation I hadn't really considered the implications for my own safety, and of course you were right. I have a blind spot in that area, presumambly coming from a time when I wasn't allowed to think about ways to stay safe - you are beyond that block and that's a good thing.

That's very insightful of you. As a moderator it's my job to make sure that those who - for any reason - are unable to keep themselves safe, try to make sure that they do. It makes me more aware of what dangers there are, but also what dangers are not real and may only feel that way; I get lots of PM's every day for all over the forum about editing out information that is in no way identifying - but they feel it could be. I know from experience how that feels myself and I get to train my eye for which it is, for me included - which has been good.

I'm sorry you are still not in a situation where you feel entirely safe from certain people and I agree, you should not have to still think about protecting yourself, but unfortunately our society lets many, many abusers walk free while the abused have to defend themselves. In so far, it is understandable that there is a part of you who feels that posting on here may be a security risk. Better safe than sorry.

Since moving from this backwards country is still not in the cards and my abusers are still actively searching (and finding us) I need to be aware of the risks I take. I wish society worked differently but it doesn't and that is just the way it is, unfortunately.

One danger of too much security-consciousness (no matter how justified) is that people withdraw from situations that pose only a moderate or low risk and thus miss out on good things in life, like this forum.

This is what I'm trying to not let happen now. I know the risk, and I think I have an idea of how to tailor my actions to that risk, but some parts would rather isolate - understandably. We do a good job of being active in our (real life) community thankfully and while some parts would rather isolate from that, most of that has been worked through and doesn't come up as an issue too often anymore.

May I ask if the problem with posting on here is more with people potentially being able to find you in RL or with you not wanting them to have the information you're posting?

Good question. Finding me in real life is what some parts worry about (which is not a very real threat due to me being aware of what I post - which is what I am trying to help them see) and the other is them seeing what I write here (which while uncomfortable, is not of a security risk). As I've said, the problem here isn't that this forum is a dangerous place for us to be - as long as we don't post personally identifying information - and rather is a place of good support for us. Letting other parts see this with the heightening of the real life threats is difficult though, as everything feels "too close".

You could also use a VPN network to disguise your IP address so it is not trackable.

If anyone gives you grief via the forum you can track their IP and forward anything threatening to the police.

Thank you for the tip. I'm not very worried about my IP as regular users can't track IP's or see others IP's, which is good. For other places on the internet, I will remember to look into your advice.

Only you know how likely it really is that these people will look for, find and identify you on here.

Thank you. The things that have posed a risk has been edited out thankfully.

I'm glad you have a part who is security-conscious and wants to keep you safe on here. Just remind them maybe that writing on here and having a support network is part of staying safe too, and withdrawing could possibly mean that the abusers are taking this away from you, even if they haven't actively tried yet. Don't let them do that unless it is really necessary.

Thank you.

The impulse to hide, isolate yourself etc is a very primitive instinct. But often giving this impulse free rein puts you at more risk, not less. Some men who assault women on public streets use this impulse to their advantage, by scaring their target into running into a dark alley away from the safety of other people.

Hello lifelongthing,

I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago where I was on a similar site to this and I was getting triggered badly and my alters just did not want to post on the site anymore. It was hard to find a new site to post on, since we all loved the one site we were on before. Before we temporarily left the old site we all tried to work things out on that site but we all eventually saw that it just was not going to work so we took a break. The few weeks that we did not go on the old site we found this one. No one feels pressured to do anything they don't want to do, no one feels like their head is going to explode and no one feels like they are standing on pins and needles.

I talked to my alters who were triggered all the time and I found out what bothered them when we were on our break. We did not completely disappear from the site, since Robert wanted to post there, but we all limited ourselves and if someone wanted to post the ones who were triggered left for a while. Then after working everything out, with help from this site, we got back on the old site and we now better manage ourselves. (with the help with this site. we all feel the most safe here)

So, maybe if you can, take a break from this site for a while? Or maybe limit yourself? It may help your alters who get triggered some if you do that.

-Aelita

Thank you for sharing that Secondhandheart

So, maybe if you can, take a break from this site for a while? Or maybe limit yourself? It may help your alters who get triggered some if you do that.

Because I moderate here, taking a break isn't really an option I have been limiting myself for a good while now and I'm trying to change that now as I don't feel it's helping much. I am trying to not go too fast or push too hard though

Thanks for sharing about your own situation

The impulse to hide, isolate yourself etc is a very primitive instinct. But often giving this impulse free rein puts you at more risk, not less. Some men who assault women on public streets use this impulse to their advantage, by scaring their target into running into a dark alley away from the safety of other people.

Very interesting. I really do think it would be good for me to read the book you recommended. If you have any other recommendations for me feel very free

Thank you.