My Journal (If allowed by moderators) (Many Triggers)

Greg,

I want to say that I see that you are in a lot of distress. That is perfectly normal at this stage in your recovery. You can and will get better if you continue to work towards it. I think most of us on here have been there. I've regretted things I've written, I've definitely regretted what I've felt or thought - and that is true of everyone I've ever met. It's normal. You can get through this.

In regards to your postings being deleted, if you have a moderating concern please PM me but we do not delete post unless they are personally identifying, I'm sorry.

I think by writing some of the things out here you are no longer able to dissociate away the parts of your memories that you do not want to or are ready to acknowledge. You've written several things that you no longer remember why you wrote (as you say yourself). If parts of you hold these feelings and memories and you write them down, you will be faced with them again and again. That can be difficult but it can also be a very positive thing: you are reminded of your amnesia. You don't have to walk around blindly. You have yourself and by keeping a record here (or anywhere) you are allowing yourself the clarity to remember what you felt later on. Journaling can be very healthy, as long as you do it in a way that you feel comfortable with.

I read your words, and I'm here if I can help.

Thank you lifelongthing.

I guess i'm back on track here again.

So today I have several ephiphanies.

After reading Herschel Walkers book "breaking Free" I can think of many times and many places where I can relate with him in that book.

Particularly with his "judge" and "daredevil" alters.

I've felt that same "substance" take over me before. I was confused in the past about this as it was more of a change in self as opposed to a change in mood and his book, and the books i've been reading seem to explain the sensation pretty well.

Thank god i've never taken action on these "ideations" from the past.

I personally have had that judge type alter take control of me in many different situations. Where I used to think that "This extreme action must be done and it is neccessary" However, just as herschel has, and thank god for this, it's always remained an ideation as opposed to soemthign that I actually take action upon.

When I was with my ex-girlriend, I was going literally ALL OVER the place with her. I remember taking her away from her friends, distancing myself from the same friends, and having EXTREMELY strong desires to reconnect with them and bring her back, but i would always have something "telling" me or "controlling" me not to do so. Thankfully, she made it out of that relationship sound of mind and we actually ended up all loving each other.

I remember having these same extremelys strong urges to do criminal activity, I think this "part" of me is a survival instinct type of thing. Although I can't really 100% tell as i'm more referring to the autopilot responses and autopilot "alter takeovers" that herschel described very well in his book. Again, none of this has ever taken to "action" save for a few small instances. I'm very glad that I was able to talk myself out of it or more or less "roleplay" the idea in my head as opposed to actually taking action on those ideations.

I am a locksmith by trade, and many times i've had the urge to take advantage of the situation and luckily it never has. I am an honest locksmith through and through and have never taken advantage of the trade or the use of the trade.

I'm beginning to understand this journal more, especially these above posts. They are more or less self affirmations that, ultimately, It has been fine besides the ideations and the outbreaks, and that I am not "holding myself back" from hurting people or doing something really stupid. I just need to learn to communicate with that aspect of me.

I even remember having homicidal ideations just as herschel did as well.

What I need to keep in mind though is that I am the host and i am ultimately in some sort of cognitive awareness of this most of the time. Now that I can identify these "takeovers" that happen.

Altogether, i've let go of the idea of trying to get into therapy right away and have ultimately accepted the fact that my life will probably be a rollercoaster until I actually get into therapy, and is very possible taht it will be that way afterwards as well.

I have to keep remembering that our lives are ultimately a pass through until we meet god and that it is very short in comparison to eternity. I'm glad that i've found god again lately as well as this has been a huge help for me.

I've heard the voices again, and this time i did an expiriment. I tried to shut off my mind completely and intersting enough all the "thoughts" were gone but the voice was still there. It was just laughter and i had to vocally tell it to shut up.

I just need to keep reminding myself that I am ultimately the host in this situation.

I've been going backwards and apologizing to friends that i have been a terrible friend too, ultiamtely being as honest as possible as i can with myself and with other people as well. This is ulatimately part of myself becoming a christian again.

It's just a ride until we get to heaven, and i'm in for it for as long as it takes. I've let go of everythign and understood the entity beside me is just going to be there and knowing that when the "takeover" happens it's not REALLY me. I know who I am deep inside and it doesn't match with those ideations or that person whatsoever, and now that i've disocvered the answer to a lot of questions I've had, it's a big possibility that it REALLY ISNT' me and that I need to learn how to communicate with it so i don't go through so much turmoil.


I've been able to patch together much of my childhood or at least what I thought it was.

Because of the fact that I don't remember much of it, or the fact that I can't remembner even what schools i went to at what time or what year, or what i was doing at any given year. I used to think this was my parents fault, I confabulated and backwards rationalzied that I was abused as a child because of all the turmoil that I was going through and the fact that I couldn't remember it.

Unfortunately, I spread this story around to a few people and now that i've hit a brick wall again and hav had nothing but time to self reflect, I understand that that wasn't really the case.

They had my best intentions in mind.

Their relationship WAS definately crazy and was something i was escaping from quite often (screaming and fighting every night) and there was limited abuse but it wasn't anything extremely serious. Besides when my father left and I was living with my mother it was very extreme.

Again, none of this abuse was "directed" towards me, it was more of a byproduct of the craziness that was my family and my mothers emotional instability. I love both of them very much and feel great to be at peace with them. This backwards rationlizing has to stop and i am taking steps step by step to stop this.

I do remember going to many schools where I was the only asian kid, etc. Most of this I probably will not know until I get into therapy or can seriously take the time to try and write out a timeline.

I feel much more at peace than ever before though, through reading, posting on this forum, and being in very direct and close contact with my father and being able to talk with him father to son which it feels like i never really have.

OVerall i'm happy now.

I feel there is no longer a point in trying to "mark" my progress as it continually gets lost. I feel that the only way i'm going to truly figure myself out is through professional therapy which is going to be near impossible for me to get. How all of you got treated is beyond me, but any suggestions would be nice.

I can't remember what i'm telling my psychiatrist half the time, or sometimes even my case worker. It feels like I've been there for a long time but I've only been there twice. Each time, I just get prescribed medicine and shooed away.

I feel that a large part of me is missing that used to be the "driving force" behind my motivation to do much of anything in life. I also feel my sense of identity and who I am slowly slipping away as my brain goes into panoramic memory over and over again.

I tried to write a few things out, what I ended up doing was dropping from reality again and writing 5-6 pages very smoothly and automatically. When I re-observed the paper, Some things were in different handwriting and were varying in terms of the paragraph structure.

Its difficult for me to find myself as it feels that the only thing left is "red" or "crimson" he is behind me and is vocalizing for me sometimes, particularly when I get picked on. Although most of the time this just passes right through me as well.

There's no point in me continually writing things in my journal, or even on paper until I see a clinical psychologist that specializes in dissociative disorders. In fact, All of the things I've been writing in this journal, and even on paper, all of the things that go through my head in general should be under clinical supervision so that I can cohesively function "normally" again.

This will likely be my last post as I slowly degrade away and start to lose complete touch with myself as my brain fails to find an alter or a "mindset" to focus on after it gets tired of panoramic memory.

This panoramic memory has been driving me crazy as it gives me continual flashbacks that have been impeding with my work.

I feel that I am a lost cause and will not be able to function again until I get clinical care.

Thank you everyone for reading this and for your input.

Goodbye.

Greg,

If you are not feeling like you are able to keep yourself safe and okay please contact emergency services such as A&E/ER or call a crisis hotline for someone to talk to. You don't have to go through all of this alone. There's help out there, it can just take a while to find the right type.

I'm thinking of you.

lifelongthing wrote:Greg,

If you are not feeling like you are able to keep yourself safe and okay please contact emergency services such as A&E/ER or call a crisis hotline for someone to talk to. You don't have to go through all of this alone. There's help out there, it can just take a while to find the right type.

I'm thinking of you.

I've tried these things, and have been labelled as a schizophrenic or some depressive/anxiety disorder etc.

It's extremely difficult to find someone that specializes in DID so i've kind of let it go. Right now I am in a destitute situation, so focusing on finding some form of therapy wlil probably be impossible. Instead, i've decided to just go back to how I always did things, which was confabulate that which I wasn't sure of. It was such an automatic reaction anyways that I never really noticed. The good thing, is now that a piece of me is missing, I no longer care so much about my situation and simple things such as having a phone, keeping a good job, etc.

If i switch and black out and have to get 5150'ed or something along those lines then it'll be an issue that will come up at that time, but lately i've kind of just come to terms with it and realized that if I do have DID, i've lived quite some time with it just fine. (Sort of)

Fine enough to function at least somewhat normally.

Although I feel a huge piece of me is missing that has been a motivational force for me, for the most part I feel pretty normal

I'm just going to go on with my life and forget about "self discovery"

I think that if i write about it, talk about it, or wonder about it, that it should be to a clinical psychologist that can actually help me make some sort of "movement" with it.

Even though it has already impeded with my life very much, at the moment it is not so much impeding with my life other than the fact that I have become destitute.

This is something that might or might not change depending on how I can personally progress through being an adult.

Thank you for the suggestion.

Greg,

I'm so sorry things are difficult. I know what it's like to know you won't be getting therapy. I waited in lines for over 1 1/2 years without a therapist at one of the lowest points in my life. I was admitted to emergency services many times during that time but was usually released between 24-48 hours later, back to what I felt was a life in shambles. I had nothing, I had no clue how to live a proper life or how to handle myself. But I found ways. I studied literature and searched high and low here for people who could explain or help me with what I was experiencing. I reached out to people around me. I tried to take up some hobbies so I felt I could do something. I tried to learn how to draw and paint so I could find alternate ways of expressing myself. I bought toys for my child parts so they settled better and I worked at finding out what other parts of me might need.

It's hard but you can do this. I really believe you can. You have such strength to have got this far.

Thinking of you.

*trigger warning*

Ahaha what a joke this guy grew up in a privileged community and played video games with his bisexual friends. This makes me sick. Most of the time he was in his own head. Cept m6;e that time some kids wanted to shove a bat up his ass. Gore beatings hah more like jackimg offf with your friends while watching poem on the big screen

Hi there.

It sounds like maybe you and Greg or other parts of you have a different view of your experiences. I think that is very common here. It sounds like you might not have seen everything that happened to him. Do you think being compassionate to him might help more than laughing at him, if you want to talk to him about what you think?

I hope you are (all) okay and I'm very sorry to hear about your traumatic experience.