My Journal (If allowed by moderators) (Many Triggers)

Wow I can't believe I posted that about my mother on a public forum.

The kisses were more innocent on the lips looking back... There was a disturbing feeling along with it but it was not incest.

Today I feel 100% singleton.

I've had nothing strange happen except for the fact that I moved a bag of tobacco without realizing it. (It appeared in front of me and I didn't remember putting it there)

However, I have been getting a LOT of anxiety coupled with myself "pulling" myself in another direction and missing my past life. (Which is actually something that is referenced in stranger in the mirror) The book talked about this, always being on "edge" and having strange uncontrollable rushes of different emotions. I am still confused about wether or not I have a dissociative disorder even though all signs point to yes, lately I've been feeling pretty singleton.

I no longer can "feel out" the other "entities" as much as it has all blended together into only emotions. Who knows how long this will last though. In fact, I feel it now that i'm typing this .

The main thing I've been feeling is sadness about how I didn't keep up good relations with my friends and family. I was off doing god knows what all the time and never hit a wall like this where i'm basically just left introspecting.

This deeply hurts me inside as I meant no harm or disrespect, or anything malicious towards my friends, however it ended up that way in the end. I miss them badly and it almost brings me to tears. Especailly thinking about my ex girlfriend.

The gun to my forehead memory no longer brings a "rush" feeling, it's just disturbing but dull when I come to think about it. However, during the experience it was like it was almost happening all over again and I was in that moment.

In fact, at the moment I can't give a good reason why i'm even starting this journal or typing this out. Or even checking back to get on this often.



"Going through the motions of life" as stranger in the mirror would say I guess.

I'm just very sad that I did not keep good relations with the people that were in my life.
I wish I could go back and change things, but it might have ended up the same anyways.

This is a very deep debilitating hurt that makes me frozen and space out with anxiety and deep sadness as my only emotions.

I guess my only goal is to get into therapy, however I'm not sure how long I can hold this job for. We'll see I guess.

Lately I've been feeling completely normal besides the fact that I get really bad anxiety and "carousel" emotions.

When i try to think of the "other entities" i get a faint image of it then it dissappears.

I've felt like this before and I believe that until Iget treated I will continually go through these loops.

Zero blackouts/strange behavior lately, except someone that I live with said that she was in the hospital with me and I didn't remember meeting her.

Still not clear on why I got kicked out of my fathers house.

Their reason was "You're costing us money here"

and my father keeps saying "I have little kids in the house"

I have a job now, and I don't see how my little brothers would be affected by me for any reason.

I think i'm going to try and get back in there.

"You're costing us moneY" is pretty cold hearted. I've been through a lot lately and I have a job so it doesn't make any sense.

Wow seriously just typed for an hour and lost the post.

I think I can write it much smoother and faster this time.

State based learning.

This is something that came up again in stranger in the mirror and Is something that has really opened up my mind to the way that I work.

This has come up recently in my new job that I love very much.
I caught myself almost sneaking out a cigarette when I was working. It was a very small episode but what I caught in that episode was an "autopilot" feeling. that felt very familiar feeling that I related to many times I've done this In the past.

If I wasn't paying very close attention to myself I would have never caught this as it is so extremely subtle. It felt as if something else was "pulling" me to go smoke the cigarette when I wasn't supposed to at work and I stopped myself in the process (it took a little while). I was very happy that I was able to do this. This is a very small thing, but had a familiar feeling to bigger events in the past.

Had I not been paying attention to myself and been reading the book I would have NEVER caught it as something weird but now can identify this familiar feeling to something I've had many times in the past.

Lately that "carousel" has just been passing by and I caught the "Pull" of the carousel emotions in that autopilot feeling.

This directly relates to the "Memory bank shift" which I now call "value system shift" that I had brought up before in another post. I felt this happen during that autopilot response. I seem to have changed my values overnight. This changes though, mostly when I get memories of when I used to like to go talk to women and try and sleep with them. When I get those memories I feel a very STRONG pull towards and I begin to "assume this person" This can come rapidly, as in when I was about to go smoke a cigarette when I wasn't supposed to at work, or can be something that i'm at war with inside (which is also mentioned in stranger in the mirror). about i'm zoning out and having this internal war of the "value system shift"

This dips me into panic and anxiety attacks and the "shift in values" that comes with the PULLING sensation. It's like i'm being yanked through a wormhole temporarily and I have to grab and pull myself back through with a mental effort equivelant to a gravitational pull. Which is the "i'm losing control" and "autopilot" feeling that I believe I brought up before in other posts.

My anxiety hasn't been this bad since I was with my ex girlfriend. This is when I feel I should have gotten treatment or committed myself to long term hospitalization. My anxiety and carousel back then was extremely crippling and was a VERY negative impact on my ex girlfriend at the time. I used to pass of the headaches as just "something was wrong with me"

When I used to read about certain disorders I remember the main ones that I was able to relate myself to was schizophrenia. However, it never really truly quite fit. Now that I have been reading about dissociative disorders, I've been able to catch myself many times and correlate my own experiences to those that I've had before.




The other thing that I have noticed is the sheer amount of confabulation that I used to do. This came up when someone at work asked me to tell her a little about myself. Lost for words, I just slowly muttered something by. I've been trying my best to be as honest as possible but realized that it is not very possible for me to do so.

I used to have many conversations with people and entirely forget the conversation, or the event that took place but remembered the "gist of it". This is when I used to confabulate a story and "fill in the blanks". I just always thought that everyone had the same type of memory problems when remembering conversations. This is a better way of describing the "reality building" that I brought up in another post. The "handing off to another part of me" Is something that I felt when simply almost smoking when I wasn't supposed to at work.
This "suggestive thinking" Which I didn't want to do got "handed off" to something and PULLED me to try and have a cigarette.

Conversley, I've also remembered exact details of conversations very well and have brought things up to people instantly, whereas they had to stop and think about it.
I've always been able to "pick up where I left off" with people. It's almost as if I was transported back in time and was able to literally recall everything that we talked about from before, and I began to "assume" that memory and that person I was at that time. The (handing off memories to another part) that I was talking about.

I've always been confused about who I was anyways because I was always chameleon like, in small ways such as the above example.

I used to like to talk to women and try to sleep with them, this "memory bank shift" or "value system shift" sort of relates to this.

I remember that I used to have some sort of swag and was smooth. A couple of years later, I was reduced to an almost autistic level of social functioning that didn't tide over very well with the women. I had to re-make how I went about doing that. Only a few times I'd have the "value system shift" that allowed me to be extremely smooth and confident but only sometimes.

I think that was the gist of what I wrote out for an hour :/.

as far as feeling multiple goes it is again replaced by the carousel and just a strong "rush of emotions" and "value system shift" I can no longer picture that "entity" as strongly as I was able to before.

It feels as though this is far as I can go by myself. as I am going back tot he same loop I started from in the beginning.

I screwed up at work yesterday. Everyone kept mentioining that I look young and I began to assume into what felt like red. And went into autopilot again.

This caused me to mismake burgers and also get caught in conversation with one of the employees and completely zone out from what I was doing. This Gave me a panic attack and I just started to feverishly squegee the floor. Now that I felt that I can try to prevent it now and just stop talking to people.

I was considering calling my boss to apologize.

-- Sat Nov 16, 2013 3:17 pm --

I screwed up at work yesterday. Everyone kept mentioining that I look young and I began to assume into what felt like red. And went into autopilot again.

This caused me to mismake burgers and also get caught in conversation with one of the employees and completely zone out from what I was doing. This Gave me a panic attack and I just started to feverishly squegee the floor. Now that I felt that I can try to prevent it now and just stop talking to people.

I was considering calling my boss to apologize.

Hi Greg- It sounds like you are increasing your awareness by reading, observing & journaling- I do this a lot though you are way braver than me to post an online journal - nice work - xxoo

Journalgirl wrote:Hi Greg- It sounds like you are increasing your awareness by reading, observing & journaling- I do this a lot though you are way braver than me to post an online journal - nice work - xxoo

Thank you . Thank you for following my journal.

I do get a sickling type of anxiety when I do post on here, but the anonyminity online is what soothes that. Its like i punish myself for doing it but I know that I have to for some reason.

I've been wondering lately why i'm even writing this thing. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me why i'm doing it besides the fact that it is helping me sort of discover myself and face something that I should have faced a long time ago.

I almost feel like the "shephard" in this situations and that I need to corral all of myself together and be honest about it, because it has reached that point i feel in my life.

Its starting to make sense why I went to france.

A lot of that I think was coming from my systems (If i have one) fear of being discovered.
I remember a lot of people pointing towards questioning me in ways that would alert my alters to discovery. I went to another state, and the same thing surfaced. It was like my system went haywire and everyone around me knew that something was wrong. (this has happened before 10 years ago, which led to the same thing, moving far away)

The memories I do have of being in france recall the same type of questions people were asking me. PRobably because I was running amuck like a crazy person.
Eventually my system finally realized that its going to have to be discovered and decided to come home.

The anxiety attacks, and the fighting myself, and all of that is probably a last ditch effort by some of my other parts to prevent being discovered.

When I was in the hospital the same type of incident tried to happen, I almost escaped by manipulating the fire alarm. (I was on autopilot and watching myself do this) Once again a fear of discovery.

When I was in the doctors office, i both depersonalized and derealed and pointed towards other possible reasons that i'm there etc etc.

This CONSTANT war inside me I feel may have a lot to do with discovery.

I just got done reading Breaking Free by herschel walker and he talks about the fear of discovery in great detail, and how he never allowed anyone to get close. That chapter really struck a chord with me and helped me understand why I never got close with anyone in my life and stayed alone most of the time. Whenever someone found out too much I would leave. That book was very enlightening for me. There were many many times where i said "oh wow that's like me"

He also talked about how DID has helped him achieve his goals. Through a near inhuman dedication to his sport. (I used to BMX and had a similar form of dedication) I was constantly getting hurt (Sometimes I"d have to confabulate why an injury happened because I wouldn't remmeber it) I was also constantly riding as fast and hard as I could. This led to me getting into extremely good physical shape.

Although now i'm starting to feel the effects of having done that. (Sore joints, places where bones were broken/dislocated starting to bring me pain)

Even with my ex-girlfriend/ex friend of 10 years.

It took me years before I finally told her I loved her. I tried to push her away the entire time we were together.

Nobody in my life, family included ever really got a chance to get close.

I feel though, because of the fact that I know i've been a negative impact on people that it is my responsibility to do something about it.

The only other option would really be to end my life, which I definately do not want to do.
(Although some people that knew me might have wanted that conclusion)

I recently discoverd god again as well, and it is a strange coincidence that herschels book talks a lot about his discovery of his disorder, and how this affected his relationship with god.

I really feel i've hit a roadblock though,
I just keep repeating the same loops and reading only helps me retrospect, which is a nice feeling, but still doesn't make the constant autopilots I get at work go away. Although I can "Feel" one other true entity and "sort of feel out" the others, thats a fleeting feeling as well. It constantly comes and goes which just leads me into more anxiety attacks. I think this is as far as I can go just by myself.

I still get that HUGE pull when i switch value systems. Its like I get to "assume" another part and that part knows what to do. I get a rush of strength and confidence, then it goes away when i push it back because I know that it doesn't have good intentions.

The medication hasn't really been helping if at all.
At first it gave me a sense of clarity, and that is now replaced with a whole lot of nothing. I still get huge anxiety attacks and strange emotions coming to me out of nowhere. (They even doubled my dose)

I feel the only medication that can really help is klonopin as this had an immediate effect on the constant anxiety that I do have.

Either way, I have to find somewhere or something to do with myself to keep going.

Work has really helped that. I love working as it seems to get all my parts working in conjunction so that we/I can get a task done. Especially if its a constant work. I get a good feeling when I get off of work.

However, I have been slipping up a lot at work and I am noticing when I go on autopilot. I start yelling at people. (This could possibly be black) I have no control over this really and it seems to happen when i go fast paced.

WOrk has really helped calm the anxiety as well and makes me want to go into the hospital much less.

However, I should have gotten treatment for this long long ago.

Now I am left with the mess my system left behind and trying to put the pieces back together to somehow corral myself into the help I need.

I just read the beginning part of my journal and it doesnt' register with me.

I don't feel this "Co-conciousness" anymore at all, it just comes and goes an uncontrollable autopilot responses to things in life.

I can "feel" the other entities but not so much anymore and it DEFINATELY does not feel like a co-conciousness. More or less just another "thing" there that is sometimes annoying.

Maybe I had that for a little while and it went away.

I don't remember the discovery or the typing of those journal entries, simply that I did them and I can piece together where it all started. (Faterhs house, place with computers, etc.)

I onlyg et phantom/carousel emotions now.

I can "FEEL" those enttiies and picture them but no longer are they any part of me.

Just something that i know is there and occupyign the same space. Sometimes I can literally feel a pressure inside my entire body as it "tries to crowd its way" up front.

IDK IDK IDK anymore.

So yesterday I had a "moment."

Someone just said something along the lines of being very professional such as.

"Oh hey, welcome here, we can assist you with this, this this, etc."

Just a normal professional worker doing their thing.

This triggered something in me.

All of a sudden I completely despised that type of behavior and started to lose touch with reality a little.

It's like i was defying any sort of "slavery" and "professinalism" and a total and complete rejection of "the norm"

this one was STRONG. (I couldn't put a color on it, it was just a "phantom emotion")

i snapped out of it though and was glad that I have a job and go along with those values of being someone that can present themselves in a well spoken and professional manner.

i switched "memory banks" at that moment.

I don't really feel comfortable posting my journal anymore, and realize that I cannot delete it. This gives me a bit of anxiety but it's too late now.

I will probably stop posting but will be lurking

Thank you everyoen for reading my journal that did.

I'm getting anxiety attacks about what I posted about my mom on a public forum.

Lifelongthing, if you read this can you please delete that part of my post.

I really don't feel comfortable with that information being out there and it is bothering me daily.

I love my parents.

I don't want therapy for this.

I don't want my ######6 system mapped.

I Just want to be on so many pills that It doesn't matter anymore.

It's very difficult for me to try and live with this, whatever it is.

Especially knowing how much of a negative impact i've been on other people.

The types of ideations i've had. I don't like it.

I don't want black to be found because black is the only thing that holds me together now. I thought about what it would feel like to "integrate" with this entity and that springs me into a panic attack.

I want to be in a hospital where they can do what they wish with me.

I don't deserve to be here anymore.

They can dissect my brain and use me as research.

I'm dipping in and out of reality, in and out of panic attacks so much now.

I don't "feeL" anything anymore.

I heard this incessant laughing in my head last night i had to VOICE OUT SHUT UP for it to go away and it still was faint.

If I have a system I don't like what i've become, I especially don't like the fact that I seemingly have no control over it and have to FIGHT FIGHT every ######6 day just to keep myself at bay.


at bay from what? That's what doesn't make any sense. There's nothing I can do, and the ideations have never turned into actions. They've been very strong though.

I don't understand myself anymore and am really starting to lose the want to do so.

Nothing seems real anymore except for the pain of living with myself.

over and over and over and over and over again it repeats itself.

It never ends.

The loops were much longer in duration earlier in my life.

I feel like i'm lying to myself about lying to myself about lying about something.

Denial loop is back.

I'm seriously sick of this.

I don't deserve to be here anymore, but will do my best to paste up my past and make right where theres been wrong.

If I do make it out of this constant loop. I want to help people.