My Journal (If allowed by moderators) (Many Triggers)

I recently had a "fugue"ish episode and soon afterwards I feel like I had a system "Crash" where this system was comprised of lego blocks all of different colors, the colors representing different emotions and identities. After reading about DID, Clarity came out of the confusion then it was harrowing.This "lego system" was thrown at a brick wall with the pieces shattered all over the place. I dont' know where to put them because I dont' know where they went in the first place and they've been all kind of popping up trying to refind their place. Now I've managed to identify one of the blocks who, thanks to the users on this board has been clearly cut out as an entity.

So this morning I woke up with an even brighter sense of clarity into this new entity that i've discovered. he's always been there but has been knocking on my door SO MUCH lately. "Forcing me to sleep on the couch etc."

Now I'm beginning to understand why. I used to sleep on the couch after my father had left the apartment we were living in. Why i was doing this is still unclear because I had a perfectly queen sized bed to sleep on but I was always sleeping on that couch. Which took me back to that era.

(Roughly 14-18) Even though, my father had not yet left by that point.

This brought back many of this "Entities" memories and what he was trying to communicate to me recently. I've been seeing this person my entire life and he's been there. Possibly when he began to manifest.

His Lego color is Black. He was always running with a sword in or a rifle in his hand, dressed in black. always at the ready.

My life during that period was constantly surrounded by fear and death. I remember being in a sort of "Diversion Program" for juveniles because of my behavior and fighting in middle school, roughly around 12 or 13 which showed many videos of people getting beaten and rape stories in prison. After this, I had a fear of the world, so much to the point that I would lean the car seat back and duck when looking out the window whenever i saw someone that resembled these videos. Soon after, I discovered the internet with friends, and saw many gory pictures which disgusted and terrified me, also, many people in my life were telling me horror stories about concerts and rituals where people would be getting their heads cut off on stage. I was at a certain friends house and started to become immersed in "ghetto" culture where people would come over to see his older sister and always be telling stories about holding guns or how they were going to get robbed etc etc. I began to sort of "manifest" this reality and was terrified of it.

I then got sent to an alternative schooling program where everyone there was some sort of gang member or somehow involved in gang member culture. It was a "rehabilitation" school This is when i believe he began to come out. I remember seeing him from the outside at this point, one eye a little cocked, he spoke my words for me and intimidated some of the people at the school. Just enough to the point of where they would leave him alone.

Soon after though, they began to show him around the city and show him certain "territories" where you should and shouldn't go in the area. With all of the manifestations of the certain reality I had in my head where the world was filled with gore, beatings, and blood, i dived even deeper into this terror hole and that's where that memory starts to end.

It begins again when one of the students at that school was shot and killed over a video game disagreement in an internet cafe. Just one block from the school. Black hole again.

I am now back in the brightly lit nice neighborhood I got kicked out of when I was a juvenile. This is when I started to walk up to people I may or may not have been in an altercation with like nothing happened and be normal. I completely forgot my middle school years at that point.

Everyone at that school started to grow a slow but growing dislike for me. I felt very rejected. It's almost as if i was "known" at that school but I myself was completely oblivious to it. Now that I can think of that time, many people were asking me the similar questions during that period of my life.

As I started to assimilate myself into this environment many people at that point were surrounding me with some sort of story of sex or violence. asking me strange questions on the matter etc etc. This terrified me again.

I dip in and out of black holes thinking of anything afterwards and it jumps straight to 18.

This is the "Bucket" and "bathtub" flashback. Where he was scooping dirty water out of a bathtub that was clogged and usually i would take a few showers in this before realizing that it is getting very dirty. He wasn't very happy about this.

I began to find items around the house I didn't recognize but assumed were there and it made sense at the time somehow. These items were knives, some sort of pool cue, etc. etc. Now I understand that they were his. He was always the one holding something at the ready. Cleaning up after me. Now I understand why he was so mad.

He was always the one holding something at the ready. Cleaning up after me. Now I understand why he was so mad.

I'm so glad you're able to see this.

You are absolutely allowed to have a journal here We have a journal section as well (a different board) but I think it's perfectly acceptable to post here if you would rather do that as more people will read and relate to what you write in this section

I'm happy to follow your journey.

lifelongthing wrote:

He was always the one holding something at the ready. Cleaning up after me. Now I understand why he was so mad.

I'm so glad you're able to see this.

You are absolutely allowed to have a journal here We have a journal section as well (a different board) but I think it's perfectly acceptable to post here if you would rather do that as more people will read and relate to what you write in this section

I'm happy to follow your journey.

Thanks.

Well, i'm getting kicked out of my families residence now. Even though I wanted to apply for a job and start helping. (I feel comfortable doing so now.) So i'll likely be in a shelter or if i'm lucky in a group home.

Hopefully i'll still have internet access to access this forum.

-- Fri Oct 25, 2013 8:34 am --

I'm feeling another entity or "emotion" knocking. It's nice to be aware of these things. I'll see if i flesh this out or can give it a voice.

My psychiatrist said he will be monitoring my threads online which is nice. Although i'm not sure if he Dx's anything or can help me get into therapy and I am unclear as to what I was speaking about to everyone there, but it is free and I am not complaining, he is helping me with getting the right dosages of medications.

It just felt very comforting to be there for some reason. Especially with the lady I saw after my doctor.

Another memory from that era.

I used to have a weight lifting bench in my room. I also had dumbbells. My father bought me this at some point.

The dumbells was basically a big threaded rod with a rubbler handle on it. With the classic star style caps that go over the weights.

I would find this sometimes with the handle slid down to the bottom of the rod, and 2 stars fastened at the top. A club sort of weapon. I'd slide it back to normal and then next thing you know it would be like that again, sometimes it would have 4 stars on it. I used to amuse myself by putting a weight between these 2 stars and doing some sort of strange forearm exercise with them.


Also, many of the memories i'm looking back on are of the 3rd person. This is the strangest part about them. I think I always had this but i'm not sure. However, when I think of myself back then I can literally look at the front of me and the side of me. I can't really pan zoom or rotate, actually, now that i think about it I kind of can. Just a little then it gets scrambled again.

Many of my memories though are extremely vivid.

All the way to the point of being able to view them in HD fast forwarded, rewinded, paused, noticing details in the rooms, or the outside decor, these are all through "My" eyes and I cannot exit my body in those memories I can do this with the audio in those memories as well.

Lately i've been expirimenting with the random songs that come into my head.

I've been seeing If i could transfer the audio from left ear to right ear just as if i had a pair of headphones with a balance function. I was able to do this. This probably has nothing to do with dissociation but is pretty fun to do and I got lost in it. Then tweak the sound from tinny to loud to normal.

The voice and entity i've discovered recently is not as present at the moment, well he is but he is appeased and acting normal not talking. I can feel him though. It seems that after he has said his piece he is fine. He's just being that guy I always pictured and I feel his protective ability now He is very volatile though and this is what scares me the most. He definately makes me fear myself. He is the main reason I want to commit myself to hospitlization. He's at bay now though and is content.

another emotion/entity that is more positive is here, a little sad but overall normal has manifested alongside now and this one is fun to feel. Theres not a lot to this one. His lego color is yellow. He began to manifest after i left my doctors appointment. I would think of a lady that I saw and felt very very relieved. This then turned into that emotion/entity and then he comes by to make me feel better and more balanced now.

I'm going to see if i can give it a voice and if it begins to identify itself.

For some reason I'm in a denial loop. This is accomponied by amnesia and headaches. I'm not sure what it is exactly i'm in denial about but it comes and goes.

Being in denial about being in denial about being in denial about being in denial lol. This is going to be strange to uncover but it feels very very deeply rooted. Complete black hole cycle. It goes away after I can't think of a reason for it being there it's very very far away right now. almost completely in outer space. a microscopic dot in a universe that i know is there but is not affecting me. It just shows up once in a while.

I don't like the other post I saw above this one, I'm getting free services and should be extremely grateful for this. There is a slight negative tinge I feel to that upper statement. My doctor said that he would take the time to check this forum out and for that to be a free service is a godsend.
I seem to consistently forget that as well.

Overall i'm starting to piece together a little bit and that feels nice.

I'm leaving this house now. And wont be on again until I find internet.

Thank you everyone for your time if you have been reading my journal.

Lately i've been feeling like a singleton again. Black and yellow are both content.

Yellow sort of runs when I try to figure it out. It's just a hazy
yellow ball and has been giving me my sadness back. It seems as though i'm "Pulling" off of its emotions. It's curious, playful, and sad. Yellow likes to talk for me sometimes but i've been keeping him back. It/he says a lot of stupid things.

Now that i've been paying attention to it, this pretty much describes why words just seem to come out of or flow from my mouth out of nowhere. It's the Internal self helpers!

I think they gather knowledge and emotions and filter them through me from other alters.

Mostly because I have many reasons to cry but haven't done so in many months. I also remember before when I would try to cry and it wouldn't come out. Now that yellow is back I can be sad again.

A new color has been coming up. Red/Purple? or Amber.

This color is part of the denial loop and has been showing me that I've done people wrong in the past. Whenever the denial loop comes by flashes of red take me back to the same weird 3rd person from afar memories. These memories are not good at all.

Apart from that, I'm feeling like a singleton again. Even with my limited range of emotions which are finally back. Black has been happy and hardly talks.


Has anyone ever phased in and out of CLEARLY feeling other entities and then feeling like a singleton again?

I've had little to no amnesia lately save for a few conversations and phone calls where I know I was there but cannot rmemeber everything being said.

I chalk this up to Dissociative amnesia of some sort because it is accomponied by pressure headaches and feeling derealed when I try to think about it.

-- Fri Nov 01, 2013 10:44 am --

Also, My ex girlfriend has been coming up a lot lately in my mind.

I always felt like she was the "glue that held me together" and as soon as that was over my parts started running wild again.

Interestingly enough, she is STILL a grounding exercise for me even though it makes me extremely sad for hours thinking about her. She brings me all sorts of flashbacks when I focus on her and has been helping me piece together things.

This is not healthy though, and I need to be able to focus on something that isn't a person to have this same effect. No idea how that works but gotta try.

I hope she's happy.... .

My father offered for me to fly back to california where she lives and I was seriously considering this.
(Completely homeless with only a backpack full of clothes and just going there to say hi) I then realized how extremely creepy that is and decided not to do it.

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to get over her but she was such a strong grounding for me and i'm sure she's met EVERY part of me. When I think about her a lot of memories come about which
again, still leave me feeling like a singleton because black and reddish have been giving me a lot of negative memories, which is a bad thing, but much better than completely blank and confused like I have been for months now.'

Heh, just noticed that black yellow and red are the colors of the german flag.

I feel as though "Internal Self Helpers" have been at play recently.

My senses are much more in tune than before and I've been able to remember a lot more information, also that weird "Recall" ability I seem to get where If I hear a part in a car breaking down, or someone tells me something about something that relates to me from before I can immediately have information on the subject that comes out of nowhere.

It seems after black has been content a few others have been showing up and can plug themselves into the "Internal Self Helper" and give me information I need when I need it.

The reason i'm associating this with dissociation is due to the fact that there requires 0 thinking time, and I surprise myself whenever I give the information.

I forgot to add something,

a few days ago I felt very strange pains that I don't think I've ever felt before in my life.

Like having an anxiety attack, except after a while it started creeping into my limbs.

I could literally only feel that burning anxiety in my left hand, or both hands.

Just one arm, a foot etc.

This was very very strange. It's like that chest pain feeling you get accompanied with the burning/tingling and that ONLY being in one hand. or a part of my shoulder, etc.

I have Co-Conciousness right now with 2-3 seperate entities. One of them "Black" is the most powerful, I feel him come by here and there and he'll say something. Now I understand what that feeling I always had was. It was very disturbing first realizing it, somehow I managed to pass it off as something else in my mind all these years.

For the past couple of months black was REALLY freaking me out. I hadn't cut him out as an entity yet and Because it seemed that no other entities were there it just felt like this uncontrollable mass that was trying to take me over and move my body.

Medications seem to slightly help which is nice but the best thing I did was sleeping on the couch because he wouldn't shut up until I did. (It wasn't a loud auditory hallucination, but more like "talking to myself" but having no control over the thoughts being said.)

Black is docile now and just seems to be right behind/next to me when I think about it. I start phasing in and out of this "Co-Conciousness" where I can feel the entity and when I can't. He's been giving me a lot of very negative memories lately and it comes and goes.

I'll completely lose track of "it's" Memories sometimes as well and go on with my life as if nothing had ever happened, but when he comes by and gives me memories again. Heh, he just talked to me right now. He said

"It? I'm an it?"

Sometimes his words come out of my mouth.

This is very strange to me.

What's even more strange is that i've heard this, and been co-concious for most of my life (It feels) and I never thought to just think. Maybe there's something seriously wrong with me.

This I think is because The memories of them come and go.

there is no "Solid thought bank" to pull from.

I guess this always explains the fact that I knew a certain task, etc but was never able to repeat it in the exact same way. It always felt like i was using 100% brain power accomponied with headaches to do something like fixing something, etc.

Black likes Metalcore music and some hip hop.

This also explains why i used to have a STRONG STRONG urge to listen to that type of music and it made my headaches go away. It just seemed to talk to another part of me and appease it. Or I would find CD's that I don't remember buying with either hip hop or metal.

Now that that "other part" has been completely cut out as an entity sharing co-conciousness with it has been interesting.

Especially now that it's calm and just comes by to mess with me with different memories.

It's all starting to come together and make some sort of sense.


I'm not sure if the extremely negative memories are from black or red sometimes though. red hasn't been fully cut out but is still there. Maybe they are the same and just change colors. They seem very similar but haven't been cut out yet.

IDK

I do know that I need to be very careful and responsible of myself and get into therapy ASAP.

Recently I thought I had a dissociative fugue after travelling to france to be homeless.

However, although the exact reason is unclear (Many possible little/big reasons combined)

I have more memories of france.

it's nearly impossible to put them "through the eyes" if that makes any sense.

I try and as soon as I stop "Trying really hard" it just pans out to 3rd person.

Like an across the street view.

Sometimes this doesn't make sense as in the memory, I don't remember being all the way across the street at any time so how i would get that far of a pan out view is confusing.


I can very slightly place them in SOME sort of chronological order.

I know that I was avoiding a LOT of questions while I was there.

Now that I have some of blacks memories it makes a lot more sense.

I wasn't up to anything good a few years back now i'm not sure if this a memory from red (Who has been stronger) or if black and red are the same thing and just change colors.

I have contacted the proper people to make sure that My problem is handled just in case. I gave them a return contact number, my location, etc etc.

I remember when I used to look at text messages and be like WTF did i tell this person last night and then just apologize for it saying I was intoxicated (I usually never was.)

Now that I think about it, now I can remember when it seemed like someone took over my thumbs and I started texting this, only a few seconds later having a "wtf" moment.

I would contribute this moment to an anxiety attack about what i just sent.


Black was always VERY offensive, but never meant any harm with it. I can remember this.
He would say very serious things though, and this would set some people off i'm sure.
Black used to always say these things as a "protective barrier" as lifelongthing pointed out to me.

However, this "Protective barrier" didn't mesh so well with the world and might've scared some people too much, or had people just think I was completely out of my mind. (I guess i sort of am)

This sucks.

======================

(Phasing) Amnesia

Best way to put this for me i guess.

does anyone else do this?

I will go on for a certain period of life and wont remember anything important or key facts beforehand. However, later on. (Hours, days, or weeks rarely years later) I will remember both parts clearly.

I also "Switch" memory banks.

It's like i'm drawing from 2 different places when I try to think of my life.

When black or red is co concious with me I get all of blacks memories and they send me into a panic attack. Shortly afterwards, i'll completely forget I even had this and just keep moving on.

I used to have this very frequently almost 10 years ago, and hasn't been this frequent until recently.

(Or so I think)

However, lately i'm feeling like a single person much more. and that's the only type of dissociative amnesia i'm getting lately (That I know about)

Childhood :
I can't remember most of my childhood before 12 save a few good facts.

We were moving around so much. I cannot tell you any sort of order of which schools I went to and when I was at any given place when I was young.

NOTHING. not even how long I lived with certain people (My parents) for etc.

This is something i'm looking forward to uncovering as soon as/if i ever get into therapy.

For me I don't think I was particularly (Traumatized) It was more of my environment effecting me, and not having a lot around the house or many friends to play with. (I started to dissociate very early sometimes out of boredom, many many times because I was really scared) Also, moving around to drastically different neighborhoods, parents playing hot potato with me, etc. It was just buckwild and that's the way i learned to grow up.

I would close my eyes until I saw stars, then I would go into the stars and imagine myself as the star trek intro (From the 90's)

I would then play out entire fantasies and be "floating" in this dreamland

I would do this for hours.

-------------------------------

More on black/red :

Black/red has been giving me very negative memories lately (Not being a good citizen) I have contacted the proper authorities and gave them my name just in case they find anything or need me for any reason.

This really discomforts me. Black has definately done more bad for me than good and isn't protecting very well. He's just scaring people and being a loose cannon. He says extremely offensive/borderline violent things when not needed and I always have to clean up the wreckage he leaves behind. Yellow doesn't help either as all yellow does is be sad and playful. Black/red might have cleaned up after my messes, but I have to clean up after his TOTAL AND COMPLETE life f#ck ups.

He has an extremely caustic and ridiculous way of expressing himself. I really wish he didn't do this through text as i'm starting to remember reading some of the things i left behind on my phone. It was terrible I really dislike this right now.

*Sigh*

i'm really mad at my system right now and really want to feel like a singleton again.

However, because of the trouble that black got into, he's no longer wanting to take front stage, instead just getting mad at me for stupid things.

This I feel is a good thing as he has been pushed into a spot where he cannot offend or scare people.
The co-conciousness with black/red that i've recently discovered (but has always been there) also makes me much more comfortable with the situation.

I'm not freaking out like I was a couple of weeks ago about having his mass take over me. It's just his mass in a corner now and I feel I have control over him. Although sometimes he gives a slip or an idea and talks through me it's for the most part normal and correctable seconds later as I apologize for what he's said.

So lately i've been going to church and reading the stranger in the mirror.

This is a very VERY good book as it goes into detail and cause studies of other people like me.

I've been taking the little tests in the book.

I got a 39 on Amnesia and a 59 in depersonalization.

All categorized as severe

This is pushing me to seriously get a job and get the SCID-D done.

Reading this book is like reading something that gives you an answer for every part of your life that you were confused about. It's a very enlightening experience and I am now 100% sure that I have some sort of dissociative disorder. This "thought" is sticking with me when I go in and out of singleton mode and has been able to (for the most part) survive through the memory banks I pull from, either that or it is in front stage right now with a certain memory bank and It just keeps popping in my head. This is a good thing.

Coincidentally, every question I had about religion and all the reasons I strayed away from God so long ago after being a devout christian is all starting to come back to me and people are explaining all those questions I had WITHOUT EVEN ME ASKING THEM. It just all relates to how I used to view religion. I believe that God is using me as a vessel now and that I must keep that in mind as well. I feel like a vessel anyways that is subject to whatever takes the stage might as well have that be a positive influence and start building upon it.

This is something that is NOT surviving the memory banks though, and I keep hearing anotehr voice and seeing symbols/or myself in 3rd person whenever I try to fully focus on it. It's like the other part of me doesn't want anything to do with it and is rejecting it very strongly. (this "other part" is either black or red.

Reading this book (strange rin the mirror) is so enlightening though. This combined with the bible. I feel that after I get the proper therapy, get my mind right, and continue to read the bible here and there someday I will be able to keep myself together and be more useful in a new christian life. Wherever and however it takes me.

Hopefully I can get all my parts to agree with this because all of them are not agreeing with it right now.

However, all the questions and the strong influences that black or red had on me in terms of religion are getting broken apart by the types of things that people in church are saying to me.

Other than that, because of reading the book and spending time on this forum I am much more aware of myself and how this all kind of works. This alone has been helping a lot and i've been able to catch myself many times and put an "answer" to them.

Oddly enough, if you asked me to quote a part of the book or explain it to you it would be impossible for me to do.

It's only an internal thing that meshes with my responses to certain situations. Only then is the information available and relateable to me.