Social skills. (4)

How would you describe your social skills?
What are your social skill strengths?
What are your social skill weaknesses?

Depends which state I'm in.

Of the main states, Seth and Heath are the most socially emollient. Seth feels like he can work an entire room, he has an electric presence and people notice when he enters a room - he projects himself with force but isn't loud, he's super intense and charismatic but he likes making people uncomfortable and holds gazes for too long. His discourse is aggressive. Heath is a mirror; he has the same kind of confidence and intensity but it comes from a completely different place; S is cold, H is warm and relaxed and self assured and there is none of this kind of static is the only word I can think of. I'm feeling like they don't think either of them has any social skill weaknesses.

I am not great socially, I get very nervous especially in large groups and I often struggle to find the right words - I'm good at writing down what I mean but verbal communication is a problem. I pick up on a lot of local emotion which I find pretty overwhelming and I feel like I get a lot of mental chatter in large groups. I like hanging out with one or two other people and I find meeting new people pretty stressful; my self confidence and esteem is pretty crap, which is disorienting when cycling round from S or H because their egos are obscene. I'd rather have either one of them out more often but I've been more present for a while and it's tiring. Heath was in front for months when I met my SO and she fell in love with him so I feel like I am always trying to match up with that level of charisma and I know he's part of me, it's just a bit deflating knowing how wild and charismatic he is and it's like trying to play catch up.

The kid isn't able to leave the house and is pretty dysfunctional and scared so there isn't much socialising. There are a lot of other parts but they aren't out long enough to largely comment on. I am switching so much between different states that I don't know who is who or when and I dunno who is talking a lot or if there's other unnamed conscious states that are often present.

We struggle with this.

One of us is good at passing on information if someone asks for advice, but is largely unable to do much else. She wishes she was better at friendships but generally has no desire for company. She's a useful employee, but never fits in with the team.

One of us is a joker who makes people laugh, but struggles with knowing what is appropriate behaviour for the circumstances. She is volatile and emotional.

One of us is fearful and usually mute, interacting with (very few) people, in a passive way. She's not often out front. X

Poor.

I have trouble being consistent with people, so tend to fall out of favor very quickly. One day i may be confident and laughing with an acquaintance, the next time they see me, they may find me very aloof. This is all too confusing and many take it personally or view it as arrogance.
My strength is with strangers - I'm willing to extend myself more to make up for the lack of social interaction in other areas.

Good questions, no-mans-land, kind of major ones.

My own social skills are pretty strong and I depend on them in my career. They get me out of tight spots and when I underperform. I never feel lost or overwhelmed in social situations. Throw me into a room of people I don't know and I'll do just fine. This, I now understand, was by design, based on the needs of my role as a host alter. My parents were very social people and expected me to be the same. When I began to enter their adult social world at age 12, like political events, cocktail parties, Marc-Dominic came as an alter mentor to prevent me from feeling awkward or inadequate and to teach me maturity and good breeding. (How did he know!?) He has helped me many times through life with supportive words or what I'd call an infusion of emotional backbone. He helps me do this for others too. Whatever's going on, social skills come fairly easy.

On the negative side, I can get on automatic pilot and work way too hard at making meaningful connections and at building and then investing in allies. Looking at my childhood, it makes sense why that was so important. But I often end up feeling empty and exhausted afterwards, detached and somehow counterfeit. Alters have complained about the intensity of my "being on" sometimes as it seems to use a lot of energy and leaves the body more keyed up than they're comfortable with.

The expression of sexuality and other areas have been so messed up for me. Whereas I'm very open about most things, my life has never made sense to me so there are just huge areas of experience like family and relationships that I mostly leave blank. So a lot of people have found me genuine and easy going but ultimately a mystery. And I've ended up avoiding some social situations, reunions for example, where I just can't provide any answers to the most basic of questions.

Among us, at least Dan, Jack, Quato, Luke and Jonathan had some time in the body to demonstrate decent social skills in realms that were suited to their personalities. According to Sphinx, Jack is most aligned to the natural body so a laid-back extroversion seems to be our natural state, not my intense extroversion. This stuff matters to me because I want to know who I (we) would be if all the abuse hadn't happened.

My social skills have typically been described to me as; "very good when you want them to be". But I am not sure what they mean by that.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Good questions, no-mans-land

Thank you. I am liking the replies I am getting, it is a lot to process though.

Personally, I used to have such bad social anxiety/agoraphobia that the others fronted for me until age 24 (am nearing 28 now). I (or jane) spent most of my school years hiding in bathroom stalls at lunch time (unless another was fronting of course). Now I have found a medication (Abilify) that works wonders for that in that I am able to front almost all of the time .

ninchen is cautious/shy/fearful when meeting new people, but opens up pretty fast now. She likes nice people.

Sonja is our 'social part'. Very good at being around/interacting with others. Outgoing, cheerful. Too trusting.

jane is kind of like I used to be with the social anxiety/agoraphobia. She is afraid of contaminating others with her 'badness'. She hides, avoids. SHAME. It look ~3 years before she spoke to our T, with a LOT of coaxing from me.

niva is afraid of attachment. She is aloof around others (though aggressive, usually, to us).

Aiden has schizoid PD. Without empathy. No desire to attach to others. Aloof because he doesn't care/feel (unlike niva who detaches herself out of fear).