I cannot accept myself

I cannot, because I know it is what I want

Last year I met someone who has dissociative identity disorder. I'm a very accepting person, I am a trans person so it seems I should be, no? Often when I argue to defend myself as a trans person, a counter argument is like "Well, if someone believed they were a dragon, and wanted you to refer to them as such, would you accept that?", and my answer was, and is, yes. If something helps someone get by, and they feel like something, how can I deny that? Only they can know how they feel, and it is no trouble on my part to accept their identity as it is. When I met this person I just accepted them for who they are, why would I not? I never really thought much of it, just observed them, fell in love with them.

Sometime earlier this year I had an emotional breakdown and realized I was very lonely, realized how incapable I am of taking care of myself...I never could...but if I thought of myself as someone else, I could do it, I could take care of someone else, someone who isn't me. So I did that, I created someone who wasn't me, someone who would take care of me. And it worked...why could it work, just being a construct I intentionally created? I don't know, but it did, and then that part created another part to take care of certain things, and then again, and again, and again...but it wasn't really creating the parts, it was just taking parts of me that I already knew of, attached associations to them, starting with colours, and gave them names, and it gave them power, such power.

Before in my life I could only express these parts in private, or in my mind, I couldn't express myself, I had to shut everything in...but making them different, made me able to express them. But everything was such much easier, in a disguise, even if I was the only one who could not see through it, when I was feeling it. It was so much easier to make my life a game, with a variety of characters to choose from that had the proper tools to deal with the situations, it worked so well...

I'm seeing a therapist now, and I've been diagnosed with CPTSD. We talk about my parts a lot, its very difficult to talk about myself without using this understanding, I just go back to green and I can't...do much at all. When my emotions become too much, its easier to shut down and just think about the system, have Ashley/Red tell me what to do and comfort me, she is able to be distant like a bird and that distance gives her the objectivity and such that I need, and it goes on and on. Dividing everything up...gave me things I didn't have, but did have, but couldn't have...chasing my own tail again.

Being a shapeshifter, It's what I feel I have always wanted to be, and when I do it it feels so good. Why should it feel this way? I feel intrinsically wrong. I don't like to talk about it because I feel like I am stealing the experience of others, an experience that I would not have had I not met someone with DID, I think. Maybe this doesn't even belong in this forum.

I cannot accept myself...because I like what it is that I want to be, and even if I took the tests and they said I don't have DID, it wouldn't stop me from being what I want to be in my mind, because...it has saved me. I'll just keep it in my mind, where no one can see how weak I am...

In some ways, things become more difficult, because Ashley is not really into sex at all and sometimes I hear her voice in my head telling me to go do something else when I am having sex, but still, what she does for me is special

I don't know why I am here, I guess I just want to share my experience, vent these thoughts.

Hello and welcome! You sound kind of confused, which is understandable A couple of thoughts spring to mind: sometimes meeting someone else with DID can 'trigger' a system to become overt when it may have been 'hiding' before. I can think of a couple of people on this board who have had that happen to them. Another thought: CPTSD is a dissociative disorder on the same spectrum as DID, and shares some of the same symptoms. I was first diagnosed with CPTSD as well, and was adamant that I didn't have DID when I first posted on this board Ultimately, whether you have DID or not, you are welcome to post and vent here, it's a very friendly and supportive place. All the best!

Owleyes wrote:Hello and welcome! You sound kind of confused, which is understandable A couple of thoughts spring to mind: sometimes meeting someone else with DID can 'trigger' a system to become overt when it may have been 'hiding' before. I can think of a couple of people on this board who have had that happen to them. Another thought: CPTSD is a dissociative disorder on the same spectrum as DID, and shares some of the same symptoms. I was first diagnosed with CPTSD as well, and was adamant that I didn't have DID when I first posted on this board Ultimately, whether you have DID or not, you are welcome to post and vent here, it's a very friendly and supportive place. All the best!

Yeah, I was definitely very confused in this post. It is not even, in fact, a very good retelling of how things have occurred, but I'm kind of used to that happening in my mind at this point. It can be hard to navigate.

Thanks you very much for the welcome.

Hi,
it is hard to accept that you may not be the person you have lived your whole life thinking you are. Suddenly thrown into a confusing world that you didn't know was capable of existing...things that only ever happen to other people. Welcome, coming here is the first step on a winding journey of self discovery