advice for significant other

What's the best advice to give to my SO? She has been finding it really difficult, increasingly. She says she doesn't know who I am or who she's talking to at any point and that she fell in love with another person: it wasn't me in control when we met and the other mind state is very charismatic and confident, whereas I struggle socially in addition to other emotional problems. She has really been trying but is scared because she doesn't feel like the rest of us love her which isn't true, but my other identity states including myself have a lot of issues expressing feelings and a lot of the time i don't feel any emotion at all; I am fairly sure varying emotions are kept within other identity states as I only experience these variances when not in control.

She is very depressed at the minute and i don't know how to make it easier for her. Last night and this morning she said she was feeling a lot better, she asked about my current mind state and i told her more about me which i think helped. I know this situation is unprecedented for her, and for me, and i am concerned about her mental wellbeing so much that i have told her she needs to make the choices that are in her best interests and not mine and if that means leaving me then she has to do that for herself; she says she loves me too much for that and she doesn't quit on things, and i don't want her to leave either but it feels like she is punishing herself. I have ordered a couple of books recommended in the other thread here so i am hoping advice in them will help...

She said something that really surprised me earlier. We were joking around about the dog being abusive and i made a comment about Seth being abusive, and she said Seth hasn't been mean to her and that they have been getting on; that he has an attitude but she thinks he is funny. That she can see potential for him to be that way, that he's got the mouth for it... I didn't know she had talked to him as much...she also said he is just lonely and from somewhere I had the urge to break down...so i guess he is stirring a lot more...

Hi Skin! We have a lot of similarities but a lot of differences too. I am sure I did not meet my significant other. I should say I am sure I did not choose to be with her. I don't have feelings toward her at all...other than annoyance. I do have feelings for my ex-girlfriend and she is dating someone else. I'm upset about the situation I am in. I identified most with Chris of TGFSmith. How is it possible for everyone to love your significant other? Does she have a problem with who you are now? If that's the case maybe it's possible to include all of you in her life? I don't know how that works because I'm stuck here and no one talks to me yet but it seems like other systems have it figured out better. My question remains and I supposed to accept the choice that someone else made?

thanks for the reply. i can understand the frustration of waking up to a life that you feel you did not choose. i have very little memories of my teenage years and during that time went by a couple of different names, one a nickname 'cookie' and also the name 'yethen', as well as the original 'hannah'. these name-connected mind states made a lot of choices that i feel very unconnected with; leaving home, school, a pregnancy at 15, abusive relationships and heavy drug and alcohol use. there was also a pregnancy at 19 and a marriage at 23 which lasted only a couple of years before the mental health problems became disruptive (very vocal protective angry identity state, Seth). these choices were not made by me; i feel i was only present a handful of times before the age of around 26.

however because of these erratic decisions i also have to take into consideration responsibility and committment and i feel that making a choice based on my current emotional status is not in the best interest for the whole. no, i don't think all states are willing to- or even capable of love, but i want this stability and there is a whole other person who i have on some level brought into my life and made a decision to share that life with. it would be convenient to throw off these responsibilies when and where we shift in our wants and desires, but in practicality, for welfare and for the selflessness of a love based in more than wildfire and the spontaneity of fractured emotion, i want to find a way of making this partnership work. there may be a lot of us but that doesn't negate everything that she is.

If anyone has advice i would really appreciate it, i would like to know how to work more with her and give her advice as well.

i can't really give any advice, my boyfriend f**ked off because he couldn't deal with us. I''m interested in what others have to say though, might help in the future

Counselling.

Get into a safe place with your partner, with someone who has skills in family counselling and dealing with families that have mental illness within.

I can not stress enough that safe and effective communication is KEY at a time like this. You both have to learn how to communicate your feelings about yourselves and your partner, within a structured framework that can safely include the DID.

I have a wonderful woman in my life who really has helped me along. We both dig in together and research and learn as much and as often as we can. I have a therapist, she has a therapist and we see a family therapist together.

We are deeply in love and committed to making this work, and have learned that communication is the most important tool you can learn and nurture together.


Best of luck!

Thank you. I am not sure how to go about getting a therapist as waiting lists here are ridiculous. Six months is normal. In addition I am in the process of seeking gender reassignment and am hesitant to speak to therapists in case it damages this... I am wondering about private therapy but I know that this can become very expensive very fast.

We are working on communicating but I often have a lot of problems talking properly. There is often a lot of broken, childlike speech and sometimes I can't reply to anything at all, like someone is preventing me from talking. Thoughts becoming very confused and chaotic also makes it difficult to express what is going on. I am aware that this may not be possible without the guidance of a knowledgable counsellor.

Familyof3; my past relationships haven't lasted, largely because of my mental health problems. I have discussed issues with partners early on in the relationship but I think conceptually, it's much easier to contend with... then if/when I have an unwell period they find themselves in a situation they have little experience with and get overwhelmed very quickly. My marriage broke down due to a mental collapse, which was when I first started wondering about the possibility of DID but didn't really know anything about it, but that was when I started questioning whether the Seth entity and the other symptoms might be related to something like that. My husband got very upset because I wouldn't remember romantic things we had done together, and I had very crippling sexual dysfunction, something else he couldn't get past...

skin wrote:We are working on communicating but I often have a lot of problems talking properly. There is often a lot of broken, childlike speech and sometimes I can't reply to anything at all, like someone is preventing me from talking. Thoughts becoming very confused and chaotic also makes it difficult to express what is going on. I am aware that this may not be possible without the guidance of a knowledgable counsellor.

Do you have smartphones? This will sound ridiculous but it really works for me. We text each other...a LOT. Apart, If we're in the same house, even the same room. MANY times, especially during times of high anxiety I am unable to communicate, usually because the anger is TOO great and it's a way to protect everyone.

BUT, I find that i can text no problem and discuss my feelings there. You might find that's an easy way to get to some issues without getting the emotion of face-to-face , we can text for hours and have really good conversations and really express things to each other without letting the high emotions get involved.

I know it sounds weird, but hey, anything that helps you two connect in some way is worth a try.

positive vibes.

skin wrote:I am not sure how to go about getting a therapist as waiting lists here are ridiculous. Six months is normal.

So get on their waiting lists sooner rather than later.

skin wrote:In addition I am in the process of seeking gender reassignment and am hesitant to speak to therapists in case it damages this...

This remark enrages some members of my system. It seems to us this is a good reason to be assertive about speaking to therapists. You might mention this when you call to get on their waiting lists; they may bump you up their list. Even a 5 minute phone call with a therapist gives you valuable practice talking about what is going on with you. Talking "properly" is not required or even expected.

skin wrote:I am wondering about private therapy but I know that this can become very expensive very fast.

Not really. If your gender reassignment includes surgery, even 100% out of pocket therapy would be dirt cheap in comparison to that.

skin wrote:My husband got very upset because I wouldn't remember romantic things we had done together, and I had very crippling sexual dysfunction, something else he couldn't get past...

I am sorry he took your symptoms as a personal reflection on himself. Having a formal diagnosis of DID helps a lot with these problems. Then the SO and you both learn about amnesia and identity alteration. This usually puts a stop to any blaming and shaming.

You'll get there.

Una+ wrote: I am sorry he took your symptoms as a personal reflection on himself. Having a formal diagnosis of DID helps a lot with these problems. Then the SO and you both learn about amnesia and identity alteration. This usually puts a stop to any blaming and shaming.

You'll get there.

I agree here 100%, a formal diagnosis really changes perspective quickly. My partner and I both did independent research and worked together to really learn about 'what I was', it brought us closer together despite the dark subject. She is now an integral part of my team, participates in my therapy sessions with me, and we see a family counsellor together. Had we not gone to TALK TO SOMEONE then I don't think we would have survived this long...I'm really REALLY glad we took that step.