pretending to have DID? question about amnesia *Trigger*

Hello, new here~ This has been bugging me for a while and I can’t seem to stop my obsession with reading up on DID. However every time I do so, they seem to bring up huggeee headaches and I feel like I might be subconsciously trying to pretend like I have DID or something. It’s kind of complicated and would help me greatly if some of you out there can help me answer some questions, thanks so much!

In fear of this post being too long and in case you don’t want to read the entire thing, it’ll do me much if you can spare me a moment to at least answer the a simpler question; what differentiates amnesia from normal forgetfulness? I’m quite a forgetful person. But does that qualify as amnesia? How far or how much of one’s childhood is normally remembered? I feel like there are a lot of blanks in my childhood and I can only recall short specific random moments. Sometimes I’ll know things happened in my childhood but I can’t seem to recall the memory of the actual event. But then again most of these things happened wayyy back when (from ages 2-11 I’d say, I’m currently 19) and I always thought it was normal to have these huge gaps of memory in childhood. It’d be pretty helpful if some of you can clarify this for me thanks!

Anyways…onto the super duper long part about me thinking I have DID but then thinking I do not.

*Trigger warning?* I’m actually not so sure what is considered triggering but considering I’m not exactly feeling so great as I write this, I’m going to put this here just in case.

I’ve been suffering from depression well over a year now. My mom has schizophrenia. That coupled with my depression is what I think that does probably lead me to start reading up on mental and personality disorders and stuff. I think I subconsciously was always looking for something to point blaming fingers and was too lazy, scared and poor to get a therapist.

However, for some reason when I was reading up on DID it began to feel like my mind was trying to make it seem that I actually had DID or something!? Which really I thought was just ridiculous. I blame(d) it on my depression making me more susceptible to suggestions. But things only got worse. I got- still get a lot of screaming in my head. I can’t even tell if they’re my own thoughts or not. I want to block them out but can’t. Sometimes it’s such a jumble of random shouting and talking, I have no idea what anything is saying just that I feel miserable, I can’t think straight, all my thoughts contradict themselves (can never come to an agreement on anything!), I get huge headaches and just can’t sleep.

I’m not amnesiac- or at least I think I’m not. I’m forgetful yes, but I think it’s just normal forgetfulness…well I’m not really sure, which is why I asked that earlier question. I do experience a lot of dissociation that is derealization and depersonalization. I’m having a bit of an identity crisis DID or not, I can never predict how I’ll act in new social experiences meeting new people, I don’t really know which parts of my personality is fake or real and it’s all really frustrating and confusing. (There are other things as well but it just feels too long to go into things.) But I think that just comes with depression and not really DID…

I went as far as “play a game of pretend” that I do in fact have DID and am certain of it, regardless of if I did or did not and the goal of which was simply to organize my thoughts and make sense of why what parts were saying what and why. I had a somewhat (un)pleasant conversation with a few of them(if they even exist, I mean, I do have quite an active imagination so I'm pretty convinced they're /probably/ just conjured up because I for some reason feel the need to? I don't know...) and it helped me sort out my headspace a little bit better, but right now, after I decided to go read up more about DID out of curiousity my head has been hurting like crazy! And it still is! Dx

Anyways...I'm just really confused...I still don't think I have DID and if I did it's probably a mild case. Right now I just wish I could get some answers so this headache would go away....

I'm so brand new to this I'm probably not a good source, but I might as well share sympathy.

***I'm going to trigger warning the whole thing just in case***
I have a lot of trouble with the "am I pretending?" concept, just in general. I even talked to a therapist, questioning whether my ED was factitious. She said no, but that it was a very common thought to have with eating disorders. I imagine it would be the same for DID. Any mental illness, probably.

I really can't tell you whether you're subconsciously imitating it or not, especially if you can't figure it out yourself! I would focus on being as open as possible. Tell any possible head-mates that you are willing and happy to talk and listen. Be accepting to the thoughts you do hear, don't try to deny them. If you do have DID, you are all part of the same whole, and each of you deserves as much voice as the next (excepting harmful situations, of course.) That's what I'm working on, though I still cycle between belief and denial almost daily. Be prepared to feel really, really ridiculous talking to 'yourself.'


As for the amnesia/forgetfulness question: Amnesia is a total lack of recall for an event. If someone reminds you of a part of the event, you still won't remember it. Forgetfulness tend to have that tip-of-your-tongue feeling, and when you're reminded you'll often remember the event clearly.

But these things are also more complicated. I remember almost none of my childhood from a first-person viewpoint. I can picture my child self going to a play, but its really a construct from what people have told me. I can't live the memory, I can only watch it from the side.
In addition to these constructed memories (something everyone does, mind), you could be 'fed' memories from another part. I think this has happened to me. I had absolutely no memory of a French class on Tuesday, and when the homework was due friday, I had no idea what my classmates were talking about. At first I just thought maybe I hadn't gotten the worksheet--but no, there it was in my bag. Then I thought I'd just forgotten about the homework, until I pulled out the worksheet and realized I had no memory of the lesson either. At first it was just like forgetfulness, staring at the words "plus que parfait" and trying to remember how to conjugate the verb tense. Then I slowly realized I couldn't remember anything else from the class period. I couldn't remember conversations, thoughts, anything. I had even underline a couple things, and I had no memory of doing that either.

Then, whoosh! It was an epiphany, and I had a video in my head of my hand underlining the words, complete with a basic emotional backdrop...but upon further probing, I still had no memory of the lesson. I think this is because somewhere the memories exist, they just aren't stored in an area of the brain I have access to. Someone shared them with me. (I think it was King.)


To make amnesia even harder to detect, there's often 'amnesia for the amnesia,' where you don't notice the hole in your memory until someone outside forces you to. I am starting to notice this because I have confusing and conflicting memories. For example I'll remember entering a store and then entering another one. To me, it feels like I didn't buy anything at store #1, so I'll later talk about all of the great clothes I got at store #2, until a friend points out that half of the clothes I'm talking about have tags from store #1. I'll be confused, because I've got a clear memory of spending a lot of time in store #2 and almost no time in store #!. Its only if I focus really hard that I'll realize I don't remember an hour of my day.

I'd also like to point out that while I don't remember anything from 10 downward with any consistency, my friends can remember most of elementary school. I'm not sure if thats normal or just them.

...and now my response is longer than your question! Sorry about that. I hope you find some of the answers you're looking for!

This is a frequently asked question and the standard answer is: get a professional evaluation, ideally from a licensed clinical psychologist who has a lot of experience in the diagnosis and treatment of dissociation. The blue ribbon evaluation tool is a structured clinical interview known as the SCID-D-R.

Also, I know you might not want to hear this, but you said your mother has schizophrenia, correct? That makes you more susceptible to getting it as well. It also typically shows up around the early 20's, which you are nearing. I think the best thing you can do is get a professional opinion.

It could be it could not be. A lot of your symptoms could be schizophrenia but they too are present in DID as well. It might also be a subconscious drive to make yourself believe you have this just to in a way get understanding for depression or other odd feelings you might have.

But more Importantly, how do you feel day to day? You say you hear voices, hows so? In my honest opinion I wouldnt worry about it to much, but more keep an open mind just to help yourself.

Just forgot to add but what you describe might be from psychotic depression as well, not necessarily schizophrenia.