first big step in addressing did

Hi all. Happy Labor Day weekend to those in US, and happy weekend to everyone else.

I had an appointment yesterday with a psychologist...she is a member of ISSTD, came well recommended by my counselor. She is an older lady, (I am too), short & blonde, soft voice, very calm. I felt comfortable. Starting off with background, history, examples of episodes...it was hard for me to go slowly, as I've just been about bursting trying to put the puzzle together by myself. She had to slow me down. Will meet again next week to hopefully finish up with assessment.

And then, I guess the treatment phase starts. She asked if I was committed to it...it's expensive ($180/session!) twice a week, for several years? Yikes, there goes my retirement fund. For now, I want and need to pursue this.

In the beginning, it was all "you" singular questions. Towards the end, she started saying "they". Finally, she asked me to close my eyes, and silently ask them what they thought of her. I got no verbal response, but I felt my body swaying, and strong sort of vibration feeling.

I guess I'm writing all this for a few reasons...one just to share my first experience. I've read so many posts here, and just the exchange of info, and relating to others has been helpful. And two, I'm hopeful to hear any suggestions, insights into therapy, similar experiences in understanding and accepting this.

When I left, I had to go back to work, but had a hard time focusing on much. Was trying to think about the questions she asked about my childhood. I had a lot of "I don't remember" responses, which upset me. I didn't sleep well last night, and woke very early this morning. Laid there, and found myself remembering stuff...like she'd asked about what breakfast was like when I was a kid. I drew a total blank, but this morning, I recalled the cream of wheat, and soft boiled eggs.

I think she's also going to ask more about my dad. I guess that's a natural line of questioning. He was a grumpy guy, and as a kid I wouldn't say we were huggy etc. but I knew he loved and cared about me. As the years have gone by, I've grown to love my dad even deeper. I can't bear the thought of something bad-factual getting dug up, or something bad-fiction being implied. I know either could be a possibility. My dad is old, probably not too many years left...I don't know if I really want to know. I treasure the relationship we have now.

Same thing with my late husband. She was digging there, and asked some tough questions. I know for the first 26 years of our marriage, we had issues...he yelled at me a lot, and probably drank too much. The last four years he battled cancer. He changed...became a beautiful human being. I knew love in the purest form, and this is how I want to remember him.

So, my question to myself (and this is where I will appreciate your feedback) is do I want to go down these paths, and perhaps damage the wonderful feelings of love, the good memories? What would it accomplish, and would I feel more lost and confused? As well as possible hurt and crushed.

Good for you, beago. You took a really big step there. And you are so far ahead of the curve! It is rare for a client with DID to begin treatment already aware that they have DID. I was aware of and open about many of my symptoms, but I didn't know they were symptoms of DID. So you are ahead of where I was when I began therapy 2 years ago. I think I am almost done, by the way. Perhaps you won't be in therapy for many years either. Over time a more expensive therapist may cost you less because they are so much more efficient.

Is there any chance your medical insurance will cover treatment? I didn't think mine would, but when I finally began submitting claims I found out it does. Even better, the insurance company reached out to my therapist to get her signed up as an in-network provider. Even if my insurance had not covered any of it, the cost of my psychotherapy in terms of both money and time spent would still be less than if I took up playing golf or any number of other costly hobbies. Aren't you worth it?

Probably therapy will uncover knowledge and feelings you don't want. But right now you know for a fact that there are parts of you that are hidden from you. And they are able to take executive control: this makes you extremely vulnerable. It is entirely your choice what to do about that.

Collective experience of DID is that those dissociated parts of us are holding painful knowledge and horrific feelings. My choice has been to investigate and help those parts. My parts experienced themselves as prisoners in a dissociative void. They screamed and cried and begged for help, and I have chosen to help them, to not look away any longer. I have now released 3 parts, and all have chosen to fuse with me. I am changed. I can see my way forward to being even more effective and successful in my life than I was before. All my relationships are deeper and richer. I have deep regrets, but not about going into therapy. My regrets are about not waking up sooner.

Una+, thank you. Your calm reassurances are very comforting. It's good to hear that you were able to understand and accept what you needed to do. And it sounds like your therapy is helping you reach your goals. Plus your resolve and respect for all.

While my insurance is pretty good for physical health, it's very poor for mental health. The mental healthcare providers that accept it are rather scarce, or else affiliated with the big money-making box of docs. And there is no reimbursement to me for out-of-network services. But I really liked your point about spending money on self-pleasures like golf or hobbies. I will find great pleasure in experiencing a whole new, healthy self. I was especially moved by your last several sentences.

I had seen my counselor Faith on Thursday, and she is going to be an important part of all this too, as I've got a few other upsetting life issues going on too. She made a comment on how well I am handling all these heavy loads with such serenity. I think I've got help inside.

I have read in some posts about physical or body quirks, I guess? I've got a few that were puzzling, but now I'm wondering if it's some kind of communication. I get a lot of really funky muscle spasms...like just now I had a big one in my upper thigh. Last week, I swear it felt like when I was in late pregnancy...there was a movement in my abdomen like when a baby moves its arm...I could even see it. I get this 2-3 second hum-vibration in my feet and hands several times an hour. And headaches, weird itchies. And earlier this week I felt like I was in a bad PMS, cramps, bloat all that...been done with that over 13 years ago. I was curious to hear if anyone else notices these things, and apparently so. I wondered if it was neurological, or due to anxiety, but maybe it's a did thing?

beago wrote:While my insurance is pretty good for physical health, it's very poor for mental health. The mental healthcare providers that accept it are rather scarce, or else affiliated with the big money-making box of docs. And there is no reimbursement to me for out-of-network services.

Well, again, perhaps if you work with this new therapist it will be worthwhile, for both you and her, for her to sign up as a provider with the insurance that you have. Also, assuming you are in the United States (?), you may be able to get some money back from your federal and state income taxes.

If you itemize deductions on your federal income tax return and your unreimbursed medical expenses exceed 7.5% (or 10%) of your adjusted gross income, then you can claim a tax deduction for not only the session fees but also mileage, tolls, parking, prescription medications, etc. If you won't make the AGI percent threshold this year, perhaps you will next year. In any year when you expect to be able to deduct medical expenses, and if you can manage the cashflow, then it is to your financial advantage to pile up any other unreimbursed medical expenses in the same year. In addition to psychotherapy you might also get new prescription glasses and have dental work done, rather than postponing those expenses to another year. Have your paperwork organized so you can file early and get an early refund. You might even file IRS form W-4 now to cut how much tax is withheld from your paychecks for the rest of 2013. This fixes the problem of excess withholding. A big refund check is nice, but even nicer is to get that money up front in every paycheck.

Can you tell I have been handling some major medical care issues in my family? My two years of psychotherapy so far don't come anywhere near costing as much as treatment for cancer or even having a difficult pregnancy.

beago wrote:But I really liked your point about spending money on self-pleasures like golf or hobbies. I will find great pleasure in experiencing a whole new, healthy self.

Exactly. You deserve to have some significant resources (money, time, energy) devoted to your well being, your happiness. As a daughter and wife and mom and employee you have been taking care of other people and their needs for a lifetime. Now it is time to take care of you. Psychotherapy seems like a smart investment too, because the benefits to you will continue long after psychotherapy ends.

beago wrote:I was especially moved by your last several sentences.

That part really burns, doesn't it? I knew I had two alters over 30 years ago, when I had a very frightening experience of possession by them during a traumatic event. But I did what my dysfunctional family of origin had taught me, and pretended nothing happened. Naturally, even as I pretended it was nothing, all the while it troubled me so much that it interfered with every intimate relationship I ever had. I felt obligated to disclose this experience, and some others, to any man I considered to be a serious candidate for life partner. This was a huge obstacle that caused me to keep most boyfriends at a distance. And some, hearing only the most preliminary disclosures, disappeared on me. (Good riddance to them!) The man I married thought this new information about me just confirmed how interesting I am, how strong and resilient. Wise man.

I wish I had known decades ago. I wish there had been the Internet and web search engines and online support groups. But they did not exist then. I wish someone had recognized what was plain to see about me, and had told me what they recognized. It irks me no end to come out to an old friend or acquaintance and have them respond, oh so casually, with something like "Yeah, I knew that about you. I wondered if you knew." Argh!!!

beago wrote:[Faith] made a comment on how well I am handling all these heavy loads with such serenity. I think I've got help inside.

Just so. So many therapists have stated in books and articles that their clients with DID are the most rewarding to work with. And my therapists have said the same to me, about me. We have taken massive damage but our structural dissociation serves to hold much of the damage in stasis, raw and untouched, until we are ready to treat it properly. A fresh injury is easiest to repair. They say DID often comes to light exactly when we are in a safe place and able to attend to it.

beago wrote:I have read in some posts about physical or body quirks, I guess? [...] I wondered if it was neurological, or due to anxiety, but maybe it's a did thing?

All of the above. Situation normal, as usual. I get buzzing sensations in various parts of my body, especially in my feet and my groin. Sometimes both sides, sometimes only one side. I get visible movements in my abdomen, as you say just like a baby is moving around in there, etc. Although normally our intestines move only in slight and coordinated ways, and are not under our conscious control, our brains are capable of directing short lengths of intestine to execute localized strong movements. The year before last I had a brief episode of lost time while driving somewhere, and when I came to I found my shirt was wet. Both breasts were letting down! Where did the milk come from!? I hadn't breastfed in years.

I am glad that my comments are coming across as calm and reassuring. They are meant to be. When I first came here I desperately needed calm and reassuring answers to my many questions.

IRS.gov: Topic 502 - Medical and Dental Expenses

I had typed a response last night, quite a few paragraphs, and for some reason, it just disappeared. Not the first time that's happened. No "refresh" or "undo" or backpage brought it back. I gave up, as my sleeping pill friend was kicking in. That benzo buddy seems to be the only thing that keeps me in the bed for the night. I hope to be off it at some time in the future, but realize that'll be a struggle too.

The new T doesn't take anybody's insurance. Her "welcome" sheet was pretty clear on all that, including her fee structure. I guess she does offer a sliding scale, so maybe if I lose my job I might get some consideration. I understand she needs to make a living, and time is money, but it just kinda smacks when first paperwork you see is about $$$ and how much phone calls are, and increase if the calls are after 6pm, 9, etc. At least no surprises, eh?

Speaking of money...I had to have a chat with Jack about that. Sat down with him yesterday morning. Up to this point, we've been paying into a joint account to cover groceries and utilities. I pay the mortgage and household expenses. I've quietly been supplementing the joint account with extra money, plus paying for a lot of stuff out of my own. He's not been aware, I don't think, I just did it as I know he doesn't make as much as I do. However, things are going to get real tight for me now, and I needed to tell him this, so we can adjust our spending and start to budget. He got a little anxious, not surprisingly. He's almost 60, and I believe has always been pretty strong and sure of himself. We've been together two years, and I've seen his business wither, and, well, also his manhood. So the dynamics of our relationship have changed, and then add in the addition of my newly-divorced son moving back home, and things are in a different place.

The discussion about money took a new direction, and what had not been openly talked about before, was unexpectedly on the table. It was painful, and I don't know where he stands now...he needs some time to think about everything I said. Frankly, I think "someone" was doing a bit of talking, because I don't remember all I said. I do know that I brought up some of the unexplained weird things that happened (you had brought up gaslighting once?) and there are some things that I (and my son) know without a doubt that I did not do. (detective work with video & recorder) I told Jack I had times when I didn't trust him and asked him specifically about two incidents, which he denied.

Anyway, sorry to ramble on this. In a way, I think I'm journaling, but I also figure you're reading and analyzing all this, for which I'm very grateful. You are very sharp and intuitive, and I appreciate your insight.

Long & short, he says he needs to decide if he should move out. He's felt like 5th wheel lately, and I certainly understand, he has. My distrust, and also my son's, was surely felt. However, I have decided that I am just going to accept that most everything unexplained was "me" and the two incidents where I knew it wasn't me, I will accept like a "no lo" plea. I told him I didn't want him to feel like he should move out. Frankly, I need him to stay, as he does provide support and comfort, plus he keeps me safe. I can't always count on my son, who is in & out, and is still in a bit of denial about me. I realize it sounds selfish, and that I'm using Jack. But what I proposed, a roommate/companion relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend sounds silly at 57, and the requirements were not being met) would be beneficial to us both. I would have security ofthe caretaker kind, and he would have better financial security, as I know it would be a big hardship for him to make do on his own.

I guess this has turned into quite an essay, and I appreciate anyone who has read it. It helps me a lot to get all my thoughts down. It also helps me greatly knowing that folks care, plus any helpful advice and support.

I know emotionally things may be rough for a while, painful perhaps too. I am hopeful that our intellectual side will understand the need to get us healthy, and along the way, I hope we can be fascinated at who what and where we are. I'm scared, but also a wee bit excited too.

This may sound like a strange response but I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one here 50 years old dealing with DID. Everything I read refers to people in their late twenties and thirties. I was beginning to feel even more like an alien.

I really hope your new T helps you. My two cents is better out than in. You've held in pain for too long you deserve to let it out and feel better. If this T is so expensive can you maybe find another? I'd hate for you to lose out on therapy just due to cost.


I really hope everything works out for you, us "geezers" need to stick together (just kidding of course) -- bb

Thank you, bb. Yours was not a strange request! I know when I was reading your post the other day, I also felt that kind of relief feeling when I realized you were near my age. I am glad that we both have supportive family to help us.

I think my new T's rate is higher than some of the others in my area. I went to a creepy phd guy this spring, he was $150 a session, and the only thing I got out of him after 4 sessions was to buy a big plastic bat and hit the bed or couch when I got mad. I don't know where else to turn, as there are so many T's around...I'm getting educated on DID, (a lot from this forum) but I don't know how to help fix me, so need to find someone who does. This lady seemed to "get" me right away. And she was referred by a person who is internationally respected and published, so this may be a case of getting what you pay for. I hope!

Take good care bb, and yes we geezers are gonna stick together.

Hi. I'm an old geezer as well. I will be 47 in a few days. I have only been thinking of the possibility of DID for a couple of years. Surprisingly the most helpful info I've had has come from a 20 year old!

Welcome to the forum. Sorry I didn't say it sooner, but I don't post that much.

Hi Snuffthroostr. Thank you for the welcome. And happy early birthday too!

I haven't posted much either, (shy and/or confused) but spending a lot of time reading about everyone's experiences.

It's good to know that you found someone to give you some nice help...young or old, compassion and understanding are always appreciated.

Thanks for the happy birthday beago!