intimacy issues *Trigger Warning*

We can't orgasm with other people because Jane is triggered by that kind of touch. She hates it, is grossed out by the body getting wet, so she numbs out physically. Things are also complicated by the fact that our uncle was gentle. So we prefer it rough, and Jane feels she deserves pain. Niva has done SSI to Jane on numerous occasions ; Jane never resists... I don't want her to suffer anymore ! It's not like I can convince a child that sexual activity can be nice, but I need to help her to not be triggered somehow so that the rest of us can maybe enjoy it... We talked about this in T; she is beginning to understand that the body only got wet to protect her from pain. She has a hard time comprehending that our uncle was the bad guy, and that she didn't deserve it, and that the body wasn't bad/gross/etc.

Sonja is 12, so she gets uncomfortable/leaves when it gets beyond kissing and holding hands (which she enjoys)... I suppose it's a matter of me staying grounded/up front... but niva does so much of the giving side of sexual activity (she has an insane sex drive), and her and Jane are almost always together (Jane has no sex drive).

*hugs if wanted*
Know you aren't alone with this kind of thing sweety.

Thank you; just being heard and cared about helps. We've overcome so many things I thought we couldn't, so will try to put this into that category as well..

I know how you feel :/ I can't ever orgasm because if I get too high up, my sexual protector Tor (short for The Protector) will come out and make the person stop. It's a problem when it comes to doing things with my boyfriend. We're trying to find a way around it still.

~Kat

*hugs* if OK

Hi. I don't know if this helps but, it might be more productive to drop changing "jane" and teaching her that she doesn't deserve pain when it come to sex. Kids will be kids until they grow up (or not) forcing the issue will only lead to unneeded stress. A suggestion to fix the problem is don't avoid sex but, don't seek it either show jane that he/she is trust worthy and not like your abusive uncle at all let her figure out that its ok to recluse (deep sleep) while your having sex with that person.

I am a bit confused. Are you saying that I shouldn't try to change the way she is, but that my sexual partner should gain her trust? I can see where you're coming from. This has been an ongoing problem though, even in past relationships... although in those relationships we weren't consciously aware of being a multiple. Do you think it's important for my partner to know? I have not disclosed anything to her, though she knows of my uncle (I figure if jane blurts out 'help me' in her presence or something of the like I'll have to explain); I've just told her that even those with a lot of practise with me couldn't make me orgasm i.e. not to take it personally. The woman we're with, there is intense chemistry, like I just need to look at her for 2 seconds and niva takes over...

From what you're saying here,

(1) Jane is uncomfortable with sex and what that entails and
(2) does not have a sex drive

while

(1) Niva is comfortable with sex and
(2) has a high sex drive

as for you, you don't mention anything so I assume you are comfortable (to some degree) and have (a degree of) a normal sex drive?

Things are also complicated by the fact that our uncle was gentle. So we prefer it rough

It's sounds to me like you have some issues here that needs addressing.

I am a bit confused. Are you saying that I shouldn't try to change the way she is, but that my sexual partner should gain her trust?

I would say based on the above, that you need to work on containing each part. Jane needs a safe place for her to be during intercourse so she is not forced to take part of something she does not want. If I were you I would be very careful with having sex at all if she is close by, if she is not comfortable with it. I don't see any need to change Jane, merely a need to show Jane that saying no is safe and that her body is safe. Sex does not have to be a part of helping her heal.

I would definitely say your partner would need to gain Jane's trust if Jane is ever going to want to be close with her or show her any sort of safety in the regards you talk about here. Based on what you say though, Jane does not want sex and pushing for that seems counterintuitive at least to me. Jane is a child and an abused child at that. She needs safety and to be able to say no. Without this sex at all, let alone rough sex, must feel quite difficult for her I can imagine.

I can definitely relate to the issue but I must say that my work has never been to change my child parts or traumatized parts and always been to show them the kindness and respect they need to heal. My best advice is to respect Jane's boundaries and work on the underlying issues of abuse and creating a safe space for her when the body does do sexual activities.

Best of luck.

Yes, I have a normal sex drive. I want to be able to feel pleasure with another person.

Sonja enjoys masturbating, but always leaves when things go beyond kissing with another person; yesterday our T told her to not be afraid of growing up, that 'it isn't so bad'; he thinks that maybe Sonja can slowly learn to be intimate with somebody, since 12 is a good/normal age for learning that, if she's willing (plus she has not been traumatized; she's just a bit shy about doing those things, is put off by niva's boldness).

I am completely on the same page with the idea that Jane is too young to learn to enjoy sex, I just want for her to not be triggered when the rest of us are, so that we can feel it.

How do I go about containing her? I want for her to be able to stay away in a safe place at those times, but don't know how to do that.. I have DDNOS, so am always coconscious. Jane isn't there at the beginning. When things start me and Sonja are there, but after a few seconds niva takes over, and everything is fine until we're being touched down there gently; then jane is triggered and numbs out physically..

Our partner is also a survivor of CSA, so I should be able to talk to her about it more... I have not told her about the alters.. Jane has a a hard time trusting anybody, even me; she never really feels safe... maybe at T?

I'm glad I've posted this here. So far to address this issue I can:
-Try to have Jane go to a safe place during sexual activities.
-Encourage Sonja to explore her sexuality with another person
-Work on developing trust with my partner, in disclosing as much as is comfortable.
-Not tolerate SSI
-Stay grounded during sex (i.e. asking her to look at me came to mind)
-Encourage Jane to do some trauma work at T...

I am feeling much better/more hopeful about this now

I have to say reading that your T thinks

he thinks that maybe Sonja can slowly learn to be intimate with somebody, since 12 is a good/normal age for learning that

is really really worrying.

12 is not at all a normal or good age to learn how to be intimate with another person. 15-18 is the common age in most countries and pushing that boundary with a part as young as Sonja - when it seems from what you're saying that it isn't even her wanting it - seems honestly quite traumatizing. I'm sorry if this is out of line but I wanted to tell you.

I have DDNOS

Do you mean you have DDNOS-1? From what you write here it sound like you have dissociated states, meaning DDNOS-1? DDNOS-1 is simply put *trigger for theory* DID without as clear cut alters and without time loss at all *end*.

Our partner is also a survivor of CSA, so I should be able to talk to her about it more... I have not told her about the alters.. Jane has a a hard time trusting anybody, even me; she never really feels safe... maybe at T?

This needs to be discussed with Jane and your others. Respecting their boundaries and what they want and need is a huge issue here.

I feel worried that you would consider asking a 12 year old part of you to engage in sexual things when you have a system where this 12 year old is active in the things she is comfortable with and then leaves when she is uncomfortable. That is a very healthy thing that she can do that and more than walking away from that I think I would rather ask her if she could maybe help Jane do the same.