(Trigger Warning?) Relapse... Disappointed.

Not sure if will be considered a trigger warning or not. I just need an outlet for a moment. So yes, it's gonna be long.

I have a lot of folks- I picture it now as a little town inside my head- centered around a large house, with a "picture room" in the middle that sees all. I meet new people all the time, but it's generally been the same distinct 9 that are the main ones. As of now, from what I know, we are all consciously aware of everyone else (more or less, occasionally there are young ones that pop up that are alone). We all engage with each other. They come and go as they please in the picture room, but I am more or less in control nowadays (though that seems to be getting less, hence my disappointment). Sometimes they are very loud, sometimes they are off doing whatever they do in their little world. That's how it's been, functioning, for awhile. And it has worked out pretty well, aside from a few instances.

I used to keep a journal that listed everyone, and a general description, but that got lost a few years ago (I say a few, I think it's been almost 10 years)

I haven’t actually met anyone else with DID- well, aside from a few people who I'm 99% sure were faking it. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals starting when I was about 11 years old- I had diagnosis ranging anywhere from schizophrenia, to bi-polar, to borderline, blah, blah, blah- none of them fit.

I honestly didn’t have any idea of anything that was going on. I would black out and then wake up in strange places with people I didn’t know. I woke up once in someone’s car when I was 13 driving over a bridge on a highway in a few states away. I was utterly out of control, and didn’t even know why. I would just wake up in this fog, with vague glimpses of things that were like dreams than memories.

I was put in with a psychologist when I was 14. I’d seen them before, but never did any good. I didn’t really see the point of (more or less) chatting for an hour a week. She was convinced I had PTSD, and forwarded me to a psychiatrist. She knew I hated medications, but wanted me to give them a try. I did. Failed.

She had been studying hypnotherapy, and decided to give that a try.

Apparently, all hell broke loose in her office that day- and that’s when she asked me who XXXXX was (after I was released from the holding cell, no charges filed). That’s when a lot of questions begun to be answered- but even more were raised.

I realized very quickly that no one really had any clue about this- at all. No one knew what they were doing; most psychologists thought it was a joke. Mine tried her best, but she had no experience with it (though she was fascinated by it, I give her all the credit in the world for trying). But, it wasn’t helping. If anything- things got a lot worse. The whole experience did make me realize what was happening, and I began to be more consciously aware of it.

There was too much for me to handle- too much history. Too many people knew me, and knew “them”- so I bailed. I left. I moved away about a year (? maybe less?) after I initially started that therapy. I went to a different state, for a new start.

Wasn’t easy. I studied a lot. I read a lot of books- I stayed mostly alone to try to figure things out. Other people just simply didn't understand. I had to get a hold of my life.

I did, eventually.

For the most part.

I realized recently - I’m not as good as I thought I was.

I really can’t stand this level of lack of self-control. I wasn’t me- but that doesn’t disregard the consequences. I still have to bear the brunt. I have too much to loose.

I went from being a very messed up kid- on the streets, on drugs- to having a full time job, and owning my own home in less than 5 years (just after I turned 21). Over this last year I feel like I have been falling apart.

I’m functional outwardly. I have a job; I pay my bills marginally- but get it done. I have a very loving partner.

I’m just going so far inward- and I see it, but I feel like I’m fading away.

I need to get myself together, but it’s so difficult. I don’t know how.

I just keep loosing ground no matter what I try.

I constantly feel so guilt ridden, so anxious- the things I used to be able to “escape” with- my “therapies”, so to speak- no longer hold any weight. I just feel run down. I’m in a fog and it’s easier and easier for those… those who seem to be REAL good at getting me in trouble take ahold and go over-board.

Luckily nothing serious in regards to things that are illegal- but are really good at just screwing up my life and it drives me nuts. (2 in particular, they are kinda like the same person, as they are similar- they are partiers, they feed off each other and interchange easily without other people noticing much)

I’m so frustrated with myself.

My partner-, who has the patience of a saint, is at his wits end. I went back and tried therapy (and psychiatric drugs) and there was no ease. I tried to find people, who were knowledgeable in anything similar to me, and they either forward me to the next person or they have no openings.

I try talking it out- but when I talk it out to people who get effected- it’s like I’m consoling them. It always comes across like I’m making excuses for behaviors to try to get out of having blame for them.

I’m trying very hard to maintain control.

Don’t get me wrong- I haven’t been perfect for the last 10+ years (I'm closing in on 30 now)- it’s been a slow, grueling battle. There was no magic button. I’ve had slip-ups; it was hard for me to keep up with work. Interpersonal relationships are… err… interesting. Bouts of insomnia, occasional binge drinking- but honestly- mostly ok (in a relative sense)

The people that have known me the longest constantly say how well I’ve done- how much I’ve overcome, but I feel so desperate now and I can’t really say anything because... well, I’m the strong one. I’m the one they come to, and I’m so disappointed in myself. There’s just so much more than this- but I just don’t know how to get my head above water.

Anyone who has lasted this long- thank you for reading. If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears. I just really don't know what to do... I've always been the optimist, but I'm just so tired. This weekend was, I would say- my lowest point in a very long time. It's just getting progressively worse even as I try to make it better.

I would say it is time to try psychotherapy again, but this time do it with someone who is competent to treat trauma and dissociation. The wonderful thing is that now even if you live in the middle of nowhere, you can still get competent help because there are competent therapists who will work with you online in skype video sessions.

I can attest that ISSTD is a great resource for locating a therapist who can help you with this.

Thank you for your response. I do, in fact, live fairly well in the middle of nowhere!

I looked at the site... do you happen to know how to find people who do things online? As it turns out, the closest people I could find were over 100 miles away, and that's just not gonna work . Do you just contact people and see?

I would start by calling all those ISSTD members who are on the limit of your travel distance, say 100 miles away, and ask them for names of other therapists nearer to you. Also ask them if they do Skype or similar. Probably some of them do; this is very common now in low-population areas.

Also, a Google search for ISST-D or ISSTD and Skype will get you some names.

Welcome here I agree with Una+ that it seems like it's time to go back to therapy. I hope you're able to find someone you can work with. Best of luck

Thanks again.

I just feel like I failed mostly- but in looking through these various forums I've kinda come to realize what went wrong, and what may be happening now. But, considering events I think it would probably be best to have some kinda "supervision" while in this period.

I think I re-segregated myself while in a bad relationship (which I got out of a year ago) and now S* hit the fan- and I'm starting over more more or less. (Kinda like... things get worse before they get better).

When trying to get better, I wasn't focusing on the roots- I was focusing on the symptoms (Been doing alot of soul searching last few days). While trying to quail the symptoms, I'm pissing off my alters because I wasn't paying attention to the problem- BAM, they are kinda like "we'll, you're not paying attention ANYWAY, so I'm just gonna do whatever in the hell I want".

And that doesn't work for any of us. Or, anyone around us.

Oi. I think I have some work ahead of me.

Situation normal. The "stuff it" approach is what many of us do, instinctively. And some therapists do it too but they really should know better! Alas, it may work for a while, but it is prone to fail. I did manage to 99% stuff it for about 30 years until one day I met someone and kaboom! Now I am doing it right: therapy and processing and integration. And I am feeling great and functioning really well.