Love triangle

Hi all (sorry long post),

About a year ago we (me and girlfriend) found out she has DID (I'm a singleton as far as I know). We've been together for about three years now. As she and I learned more about her system, we found out that she (the host, B) has a strong EP (let's call her D), and a less strong one (let's call her S). There are many more, but not relevant to this post.

D seems to be co-present most of the time. I hope I used the right term. She can see what B is doing most of the time, and sometimes influences B or takes over as she wants to. S is not that close to B or D, she sometimes takes over, but she usually doesn't know what B or D are doing.

Anyway... it turns out that about 10 years ago, D fell in love with C (not a part, a boy her age). For various reasons they weren't able to stay together. At that time B felt somewhat similar to D, but not as strongly.

Circumstances have forced B to move in with E (not a part, a man). Initially B loved E, but as he turned out to be abusive she stopped having feelings for him. However, S started loving E. D and B hate E. He was very abusive to them, and although E abused S as well, S still feels "love" for him.

Eventually B left and then she met me. She (B) now loves me, and I feel the same about her. D is talking with me, but doesn't share B's feelings. S likewise talks to me, not as much though, but doesn't share B's feelings either.

A couple of weeks ago, D had a chance to meet up with C. She actually told me about it beforehand, and I told her if she feels that strongly they should meet. D was surprised by my "openness". D and B set some rules and then D met with C.

After their meeting D was very sad, crying, feeling depressed. She feels it's unfair that B gets to be with me, but she can't be with C. Something I can understand, and I really do feel for her. She also felt very upset with the entire situation (having DID) and how it's all **** up.

While talking with her, she (D) kind of let me believe that she broke up with C or that she told him she can't be with him. She wouldn't go into details, rather dropping hints, something that's unlike her. This told me that it took a lot to even talk about it, so I didn't insist.

Sounded like she sacrificed herself for B. She feels stuck, she loves C, but also loves B. Which obviously breaks my heart since I don't want to hurt any of them.

For a while D would not talk with B, but she eventually did -- I always try to encourage internal communication. B understands, and feels empathetic, but she can't/won't do anything about it.

So... what's the best way to approach this? Has anything like this happened to anybody else? I don't see a way out of this without some part hurting... I do want them to get better and be able to communicate. What should I do?

Thanks.

Peedidhe, this is a frequently asked question on DID support groups. Situation normal, as usual. This is a situation that many, many multiples and SOs alike struggle with.

Have you talked to C yourself? Has B talked to him? Is C even available for any relationship? Does C have any idea that D is an alter in a DID system?

Some DID systems solve this very common problem by having a time sharing arrangement, each alter pursuing their own relationships with others. I recall one poster here a couple of years ago was a married woman who was sharing her DID husband with another woman who lived in their home. Some systems have a powerful alter or group of alters who dictate to the others what relationships are permitted. This saddens me. Other arrangements are possible as well. A very common arrangement, especially when the DID is undiagnosed and untreated, is for the person to have secret extramarital affairs. This probably is the most destructive choice.

Many solutions involve some form of ethical non-monogamy known as polyamory. Of the many books in print now about polyamory, two are especially highly recommended:

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (2009)

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (2008)

Una+ wrote:Have you talked to C yourself?

No, we never met.

Una+ wrote:Has B talked to him?

Yes, in the past. I don't think she was out for this last meeting.

Una+ wrote:Is C even available for any relationship?

Well, he did mention to D that he loves her. He lives far from B/D though. In our last talk D mentioned that she would talk to him once or twice a month, so they kept in touch. In the past 10 years C was married, but divorced recently. It looks like his feeling towards D/B haven't changed though.

Una+ wrote:Does C have any idea that D is an alter in a DID system?

No, not that I know of, and not from what D told me. D is concerned about how C would react to her telling him.

Una+ wrote:Some DID systems solve this very common problem by having a time sharing arrangement, each alter pursuing their own relationships with others.

Well, as rational as this may sound, I'm not sure it could fly with me... or B. I like to think I'm open minded, but this would be beyond my boundary. When B found out about D's wish, she said it would make her sick to her stomach just to think about it.

Both B and D would like a "normal" relationship. The current situation is definitely not fair towards D. What they want, however, is in opposition to what they each want...

What are the long term effects of such an arrangement? Does this help in the healing process?

Thanks.

My system has been going through something very similar...

I am in a relationship (4 years) but one of my alters, Wanda, developed a crush on a friend of mine from a sports league I play in.

Wanda cares very much about my boyfriend... she actually has feelings for him as well and although they aren't technically "dating" eachother yet there has been talk of that maybe happening in the future. Wanda says she isn't ready for a relationship at this point, but still she started having feelings for the friend of mine.

(Back story, a year or two before all of this Wanda had a sexual affair with two other guys, which ended on it's own long before we ever found out about it.)

But now as far as her crush goes we tried a contract, where she was allowed to do certain things with the friend, but not allowed to do other things.... her and my boyfriend agreed on and signed the contract...

Be carefull though, if you try this... it ended up being harder on my boyfriend than expected and the contract had to be revised with more restrictions....

At this point niether me or my boyfriend are comfortable with Wanda developing any type of relationship with the friend, and unfortunately this has led Wanda to stop comming out (for a while) to give us time to deal with all that has happened, and to give her time to deal with her own feelings about all of it as well.

This is probably the most difficult part of being a multiple (for me at least) because I feel bad that Wanda can't have her own life... but I can't let that harm my own relationship...

I wish I had more helpful things to say about it, but we still haven't found any solution that everyone can be happy with.... I'm honestly not sure there is one.... But I am hopefull...

I wish you the best of luck finding what will work for you... Just know that you guys definitely aren't alone in this type of situation...

If you do find something that works well I would love to hear about it....

crazy3 wrote:This is probably the most difficult part of being a multiple (for me at least) because I feel bad that Wanda can't have her own life... but I can't let that harm my own relationship...

I feel the same way. Dealing with flashbacks, nightmares, switching, depression, isolation, confusion, and so on, was relatively straightforward, at least for me. We are a team. She's working towards dealing with her past and I'm there to help and support her. It's us against the abusers of her past.

With this, however, I'm somewhat part of the problem. I'm not an abuser, but in a sense I am in the way of D's "happiness". B feels the same way I do, but that doesn't change the fact that D is suffering because of our (B and my) position.

What makes it even worse, is that while I can separate D from B at a rational level, I know they're different, at an emotional level it's much harder. It's the same body, and while she acts and thinks differently, I can still see sparks from B, it's still her.

In fact, the more we progress into the healing process, the more D "is" like B. I don't know if she's letting her guard down or if she's getting more integrated with B, but there are definite changes. She feels more, both physically and emotionally. She used to not feel pain, but now she says she can -- something she's not all that thrilled about.

I really do like / love some aspects of D, like her almost non-existent filter, her strength, her endurance. She can lack diplomacy at times, but I'd rather have that than having to guess what she's thinking. The last conversation I had with her alone, where she told me how she felt about C, and how much she was hurting, it really touched me, more than I realized at the time.

I don't really have a point; I guess it just feels good to let it out. I don't know how all of this will evolve, but if I find a "solution" I'll let you guys know. For now, there's really not much for me to do than support them both and hope that it somehow fixes itself...

This is an important internal conflict in your system. Recovery will require solving it in some way. Falling in love with someone while in a relationship with someone else can happen to anyone. Non-multiples face this conflict too. The DID is really no more than a minor complication here. The big issue is always the internal conflict itself, whether the conflict be over how to conduct your love life, or whether to live as a man or a woman, or some other profound matter of choice.

peedidhe wrote:I don't know how all of this will evolve, but if I find a "solution" I'll let you guys know. For now, there's really not much for me to do than support them both and hope that it somehow fixes itself...

As I said in my first reply in this thread, there are many solutions. The question is, will you actively explore the possible solutions and work to achieve the one that would be most satisfactory for you collectively, or will you try to ignore the problem (rugsweep) and hope it goes away?

Once again, here are some books to help you explore the possible solutions:

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (2009)

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino (2008)

Una+ wrote:This is an important internal conflict in your system.

It's actually in my SO's system...

Una+ wrote:The DID is really no more than a minor complication here.

That's quite an understatement. B has no feelings for C and loves me, while D loves C and has no feelings for me. While B can feel D's sorrow and pain, she does not feel her love for C and D does not feel B's love for me. In a non-DID system this would not happen.

Una+ wrote:The big issue is always the internal conflict itself

I agree...

Una+ wrote:As I said in my first reply in this thread, there are many solutions. The question is, will you actively explore the possible solutions and work to achieve the one that would be most satisfactory for you collectively, or will you try to ignore the problem (rugsweep) and hope it goes away?

That's not a fair statement. I am actively looking for a solution, this is why I made this post, but the "solutions" you gave are non-starters.

If the "solution" requires for me to do something that I know would hurt me, that would damage my relationship with B... How's that productive? I am not judging you or anybody else who may practice polyamory. If that works for some people then more power to them, but that is outside of my boundaries.

You may argue that I shouldn't knock until I try it, and that may be the case, but I could say the same thing about beating people up. Hey, I may end up liking it, but sorry, no, I will not consider that.

EDIT: OK, beating people up is not a good analogy. Here's a better one: Your suggestion for me to consider polyandry is the same, or feels the same, as a suggestion to try gay sex. While a book may educate me about the joys and pitfalls of gay sex, I can tell you 100% that no book will ever convince me to willingly have sex with a man. /EDIT

There's also how B feels in this equation. She's strongly against it. I mentioned it in passing and she shut me down before I even finished the sentence. She also has a six year old child that would complicate the option you proposed.

So, the problem remains. I am not sweeping it under the rug. I'm not ignoring it. It is actively affecting me. It is caustic. On the other hand, replacing it with something far worse is not a solution.

Also, S loves E (the ex, who was extremely abusive -- rape, beat her up, forced her to have sex with others, tied or locked her up for days, etc)...

Are you suggesting to allow her to see him as well? It would only be fair, no?... She has sneaked out a few times, and we believe she went to see him. He's very triggering to the entire system, all parts other than S, not to mention that he could hurt her. S visiting E would only destabilize the system. Similarly, but to less of an extent, D meeting with C would destabilize B.

Peedidhee, I think you have missed the whole point of my earlier post. Even if your SO never has any "disallowed" relationship with any other physical person, you and she are already in a polyamorous relationship. That is because she is a multiple.

And as for your statement that you will never have sex with a man, I have a question for you: Does your SO have any male alters? Most of us do have opposite sex alters. What if they want sex with you? Will you refuse them? Will you respond to their very natural, normal needs with revulsion?

Peedidhee, I identify with your story, 'coz I was in a similar relationship. I was dating a guy with DID, but only one of his alters recognized my as his partner (Gatsby).

As yourself, I didn't think it was fair with other parts within his system to be banned for the possibility of being with someone if they wanted to. But it is easier said than done, and when another alter (Evo) would go and flirt with other guys (he's gay) I would feel devastated.

You mentioned that:

B has no feelings for C and loves me, while D loves C and has no feelings for me

You know? I've felt the same way. Gatsby has no feelings for Scooby (Evo's boyfriend), while Evo has no feelings for me. However, I've question my own belief here. Aren't Gatsby and Evo both part of the same system? The same person that I love? Aren't B and D, both parts of the same girl you love?

It may be difficult to acknowledge that a part of the person you love, cares for someone else. But at least in my case, that's how I see it. Eventhough, Gatsby is repulsed by Scooby, a part of him cared for him. And even though Evo feels like a lesbian, regarding my relationship with Gatsby, a part of him cares for me. I might be wrong, but that's how I see it as of now.

I do understand Una's statement here.

Does your SO have any male alters? Most of us do have opposite sex alters. What if they want sex with you? Will you refuse them? Will you respond to their very natural, normal needs with revulsion?

These are wonderful questions.

And agree as well with her statement:

you and she are already in a polyamorous relationship.

I was as well in an open relationship. For me it didn't work out, but I don't think it was 'coz of the open relationship, but because of what I wanted from them in the relationship, time, attention, being recognized as a partner.

I hope you have found answers.

All my best wishes for you.

Sea