No matter what I do....

I just had another bad scene with my guy's Protector. I found out he isn't aware that we ever dated at all, or that I was ever his girlfriend (we were together for SEVEN YEARS). He thinks I was just always "a creep" (his word) who would follow him around because I liked him and wanted to be close to him, and obviously had something wrong with me.

When I told him that I was his girlfriend for 7 years, he started yelling profanity at me and saying that I was obviously delusional and having delusions and he doesn't want to be anywhere around my "sick mental illness."

When I calmly told him that I just wanted to get my facts straight here, and understand things as he sees them, he told me to go see a psychiatrist and get my @%^#% facts straight there.

I told him I just wanted to talk to him, that I just want to talk to understand his perspective better. He glared at me with the Protector's beady eyes, but was still standing there engaging with him (when the body could have easily left) so I asked if there was anyone else inside that wanted to talk to me and could maybe come closer to the front?

He told me to go (profanity), and why won't I get the (more profanity) away from him and stay away from him forever, and I blurted out BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU. I love you. And it broke through for a second.

I could see him switch and a wave of softness wash over him as his entire body energy changed, but then the one that was out came back full force and told me that he thinks I'm PSYCHO and DELUSIONAL and stay the (profanity) away from him forever. And then he got in his car and drove off.

Later in the day, I wrote him a note, and put it in his post office box. I said:

Dear (the body's name),
I was your girlfriend for 7 years. You just don't remember. Ask your daughter, she knows the truth. She drove us to the airport every time we went on vacation together all those years, and knows how long we were together. I just want to talk to you, or talk to the part of you that still loves me. I still love you. All of you. Every part.

And then I signed my name.

This alter doesn't know that another insider had a relationship with me at all. That's why this one thinks I'm a stalker. It wasn't just that he didn't remember all the times we went to Hawaii. He doesn't remember anything.

At one point I said, "All I want to do is talk to you, so I can understand things better -- why did you leave me for another woman," and he looked confused and said, "Leave? I was never WITH you"...he was never with me, so he never had anything to leave.

I've been erased from existence. Traumatic amnesia. This alter who's host now has been out for 3 1/2 years, and in a serious relationship with this other woman.

What I don't understand too, is how come she is able to be in a such a stable relationship with him, when I got so much switching and abuse and lying and cheating - really nasty stuff. And yet, with her, it all looks normal and he's been with her now for years.

Moon

Hi Moon.

I haven't posted in a long time because I've been dealing with my situation which has been incredibly interesting and very difficult -but I gained so much understanding it's unbelievable. My two cents on why this woman has seemingly normal relationship with him is that he Probably really doesn't actually feel love for her. I have been around and around with the parts of my guy and one consistent message that stays is that it became hard because He truly loved me and "loving is painful to some".

I will definitely write about the developments of what has occurred with me and I do not post this to keep you stuck and hoping and waiting for him to return. To the contrary --it's to increase your awareness that it may very well be the fact that he really loved you that resulted in his breakdown.

Well, that's interesting, Candidly. I also thought it was interesting today that when I just spontaneously, and with SO much emotion, said today that the reason I've stayed around so long is BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU...he softened and I could see my guy for a split second underneath who all at once looked touched, then heartbroken, then completely crushed...and then the mean one came back out.

It's been 3 1/2 years since my guy's been fully out. I would like to hope that he can still come back one day. I loved other insiders too, not just the one I called "My Guy"...but the only one I ever get to see is the one-who-hates-me and keeps me away.

It was such a shock to me to realize this one had no idea that someone else had been with me in a serious relationship at all, let alone so many years.

I just want to know it's possible for him to still come back. I just want to see him again and talk about all of this.

I understand though...I know love can be painful for those with DID. He seems to love this woman though, from what I can see on the outside. He's with her all the time. It looks like a very serious relationship and it has been going on for years. She doesn't seem to trigger him like I did.

I just wish I could connect to just SOMEONE in his system, but this one won't let me at all.

Moon

Candidly, long time no post! I look forward to your update. Dust off one of your old threads?

Moon, do you love his protector part? This protector is very fierce, very defensive, trying so hard to keep him safe. And so confused. He sounds tormented. Like him I too have some problems with dissociative amnesia and losing time (which is also amnesia but in my experience different from dissociative amnesia), and let me tell you it is utterly terrifying to have people telling me they were there when I did something that I know nothing about. Even when it is relatively minor stuff. They must be lying, or delusional, right? Right!? Wrong. Wrong!

Dissociative amnesia is slippery stuff. You may discover that in future conversations your guy's protector forgets that you ever told him he and you used to be a couple. If you tell him again he may forget again, over and over. Dissociative amnesia can look a lot like the films 50 First Dates and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Very bittersweet.

Please try not to imagine what his relationship with that other woman is like. You just don't know and all you are doing is tormenting yourself with your own fantasies.

I count it as a good sign that he is talking about someone needing psychotherapy. He may yell that you should be the one in psychotherapy but all of this sounds like projection. If it is, then in other words, deep down somewhere he knows everything he is saying applies to him, not you.

Your posts always give me so much heartache. I identify not just with this man, but also with you because like you I love someone who also has DID and is fighting against knowing it. I wish you both the best, but I have no idea what that would look like except that he comes to know his condition.

I do love this protector part. I really do love all the parts of *him*...and the best in this situation would be if he went to get help so they can improve their communication and knowledge of each other.

He never read my note above, by the way. I found the letter, unopened, back in MY mailbox, with stamps all over it that said "REFUSED" "RETURN TO SENDER." He must have gone on and on to the post office clerks, all who know me in our small town, telling them what a stalker I am. Oh well.

But, I hear what you're saying in terms of no matter how many times I tell him anything, he might not remember it again.

This part does seem so, so tormented. As do the littles who will wave at me sometime and look like they're going to burst out in tears. My guy came out once years ago and said, "now you know why I don't like bullies...now you know."

Moon

You mention he has a daughter who was old enough to drive years ago when you were a couple. So now she is at least late-20s and he probably is at least my age. He has been maintaining denial a long time! What about her? Surely she is aware of his "different parts", but does she know more than that?

He actually has three grown kids. The daughter you mentioned encouraged him to go to therapy the first time, when I first mentioned it, but when he returned home with the diagnosis of DID after the second session, the daughter said "no way" and that that wasn't true, and the therapist must be a quack...so, that confused the system.

Years ago, I also tried talking to the son and telling him what was going on, but without ever even getting to the word "DID" or dissociative, the son said (I actually think he switched himself, and might also have DID) that he didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear it, and then hung up on me (this was on the phone, and the son at the time was 26 years old)!

So...his kids are in denial. The alter who hates me also spent a lot of time when we were together unbeknown to me, telling the kids what a crazy person I was -- which is what his second daughter thinks. He would tell her how I would always STALK him, how I was mentally unbalanced, and how he didn't love me but was just using me for sex. The kids all believed this alter's perspective, unaware of what the other insiders were telling me, which was the complete opposite, when they weren't around.

Basically, the alter who hates me, is the alter who was their dad. What I find so disturbing, is that the women this alter left me for, is actually with the family a lot, as I see her car over there sometimes when the grown kids are around, and I've seen pictures of them all on facebook. My guy rarely let me around his family, even though we were together for 7 years.

But, no, so his kids don't know about the DID. They just think he's "weird" and "eccentric" and forgetful, and chaotic, and once my guy told me that his kids told him that they don't think he treats me well.

Moon

Wow... 3 years... can't even imagine...

You said:

Moon wrote: the women this alter left me for, is actually with the family a lot, as I see her car over there sometimes when the grown kids are around, and I've seen pictures of them all on facebook. My guy rarely let me around his family, even though we were together for 7 years.

I hope I don't sound mean, but this does sound "stalkerish" even if you were justified. I wonder if the protector picked up on this and associated you with some abuser in their past. From the protector's point of view this is "life and death" and you're the enemy. At this point trying to get in contact would probably only strengthen the protector. It's also possible that the protector is lying, that he does remember you, but chooses to lie so that you'd stop being a threat (by going away).

I don't know how you could "fix it". Three years is a lot of time... What I don't understand is how could a protector (EP) stay out for this long? Is your "guy" the ANP or just another EP?

Sorry Moon I don't have anything to add though I hope you can make peace with your situation

peedidhe wrote:Wow... 3 years... can't even imagine...
What I don't understand is how could a protector (EP) stay out for this long? Is your "guy" the ANP or just another EP?

Uhm. Pretty sure I qualify as "protector" but I am ANP. There are EP protectors in here too, but there is something very efficient about not feeling a bloody thing when you need to act fast. So I doubt I am the only numb emotionally challenged "protetor"

Never considered I might be a rarity. That's gonna go to my head..

peedidhe wrote:Wow... 3 years... can't even imagine...

Peedidhe, I can imagine. I am in a similar situation myself. In addition to being a multiple myself, I have a relationship with another multiple that shares many features with the relationship Moon has with this man. Moon is not a stalker. They live in a village and for 7 years they were a couple.

Moon, from his kids' reactions, I would say they all have heard the DID diagnosis before. And for whatever reason, none of them can accept it. Yet.

In hindsight, clearly the second session was much too soon for your guy to be given his diagnosis. The alter who presented for therapy may have been ready to hear it, may have even suggested it himself, but the others were not ready. This is why some DID-savvy therapists refuse to give the diagnosis at all. They wait, sometimes for years, for the client to suggest it. We frequently see this play out right here in the DID Forum!

Moon wrote:Years ago, I also tried talking to the son and telling him what was going on, but without ever even getting to the word "DID" or dissociative, the son said (I actually think he switched himself, and might also have DID) that he didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to hear it, and then hung up on me (this was on the phone, and the son at the time was 26 years old)!

Ow. Ow ow ow. This sounds just like my guy. And touches a concern I have about his family.

Moon, from all that you have shared with us I now think that your guy is a minor host. He never has been the strongest one, even during the 7 years he was with you, because the other(s) fronted with his kids. The protector alter, or perhaps a group of which the protector is a member, has the most power in his system. This in particular is a big clue:

Moon wrote:My guy rarely let me around his family, even though we were together for 7 years.

Your guy may not have been able to stay in front around his family. And he may not have much relationship with them either. Like many of us, and many people who are not multiples as well, he lives a very compartmentalized, unintegrated life and you were not in his "family" compartment.

Teatime, my role as host has always been to guard the rest of the system. I was the emotionally numb one, very much an ANP. My FOO punished emotionality and mocked "sentimentality", so my EPs were hidden away inside. They would assist in life-and-death emergencies, during which a few of us would briefly blend and function together and I/we would take command of the situation.