I don't know what I haaaavvveeeee

Hi, I am a 16 year old male. I can't really remember that much ever, it is fuzzy, you know? Like I have to kind of wade through a puddle of mud. Before 12, just fragments, main points i guess. I can never really tell if my thoughts and feelings are real or if I am faking them. Sometimes they feel so empty. The other problem is that I pretended almost my whole life about my personality and who I was, especially with family and those close. Now, I dont know what is real. My intelligence, personality, and values etc. change alot. I have conversations in my head with what I believe to be my other parts. Sometimes I am them watching me it feels, and others they are there watching me and commenting. Right away a flag went up in my head when I read up on DID. The problem is i don't know if I am faking it or if it is real. When I am a different part, I think I am, but when I guess the dominant part, i don't think so. I am very spacey and forgetful but i don't blackout I think. Sometimes I have those moments when I switch and I look up and around like where am I? But I can still have vague and fuzzy memories of before. Plus, I can't tell if other personalites are out because we all pretend to be the same so no one can tell. I also suppress any that try to get out, with the help of other parts, so that nothing is ruined. I feel that I am always co-conscious with them, like there is no firm borders. But that might just be my part since I dont really know theirs. I also have tons of related disorders, major depression, bipolar, adhd, paranoia, anxiety, depersonalizaion disorder etc. None is diagnosed, except by me. i no that is not good but a psychiatrist is too much money for my family and I feel if I told them they wouldnt believe me or would tell me, your fine like they always do. I never voice my problems to them because they have enough and I dont really trust them. I hate myself and dont want to burden them, that is why I covered it up this long. But I am afraid that if this is what it is, part of me says yeah, pretty awesome never lonely, and another is like my life sucks just die already. wow, pretty long, but can someone tell me if it is did ddnos or what, thanks.

Be careful with self-diagnosis. If you're in the U.S. there are resources at most schools and through the state for mental health.

Best thing you can do is look at yourself without judgment, without trying to diagnose yourself. See yourself for who you are, rather than trying to figure out what's wrong. It'll give you a clearer picture of what is actually going on. From there, if you need help, look for those mental health resources.

Good luck to you!

i agree be careful with self-diagnosing many disorders over lap each other. it might seem you have a ton of them but realistically it might just be one. plus being 16 its hard to really say! Sometimes a young person who has alot going on and seems to be overlapping in disorders often tends to smooth out and plum into a more formal diagnosis once they reach adulthood.
but some advice i can give you regardless of which disorder you have it doesnt change who you are. I dont believe your faking it just for the sake you have to ask if you are. in other words if you were faking it you would know you are.
Something you could do is list the problems that interfere with your life and write down how its a problem. and go from there. like for instance you mentioned your spacey and forgetful. well part of a problem is finding a solution. so perhaps you could carry a notepad around writing down key information so if you forget you can look back on it.or keeping a journal telling key information about that day. and your always welcomed to talk about problems here theres always someone who will listen
anyways in regards to d.i.d and the parts you feel you might have.. writing is really a great insight tool. ive learned alot about myself just from writing in a journal. plus if you do indeed have parts eventually they will surface and you'll see it for what it is. but until you kind of fingured it out on your own try not to fish for the diagnosis. its really just a label at the end of the day

Thanks guys, it is just that a label would really help me feel more secure. The problem is that I feel as if I can't tell I am faking. I have read a couple psych textbooks/books since I am interested in the field. If I could just put a name to the problem, then it wouldn't be so ominous and wrong in my mind. I have heard that DID sort of umbrella's a lot of different disorders with it.

I understand, but any good therapist will tell you to stop analysizing yourself. Treatment is tailored for you as a person, not for your mental illness. Every person experiences these conditions in their own way and treatment is unique for everyone. Only a professional can really diagnose you, and it should take a few months of getting to know you before you get a diagnosis.

werewolfhk wrote:Thanks guys, it is just that a label would really help me feel more secure. The problem is that I feel as if I can't tell I am faking. I have read a couple psych textbooks/books since I am interested in the field. If I could just put a name to the problem, then it wouldn't be so ominous and wrong in my mind. I have heard that DID sort of umbrella's a lot of different disorders with it.

Well, I can't tell you for my experience that thinking that you're faking is, unfortunately, very very common in the early stages of the illness (or when you get diagnosed or think about a diagnosis). Unfortunately, for most people, denial is always there — there are days when you're "OK with being DID" and days when you feel "Why have I faked all this?!".
As somebody said in a denial-related post (can't rememeber who, sorry, I think Lana read it), even if it's faking it's real... I mean, there are lots of points of view. One can say that it's an illness caused because these neurotransmissors don't work, another can say it's a "mind illness". I think it's a "mind illness" — here the differentiation between brain and mind is important!
It's obvious that we don't have X brains (X = nº of alters), so it's a mind illness. Therefore, some people can say it's a fake disorder! But in my opinion, it's faking if the patient is consciously creating other alters — it's not faking if the alters are unconsciously created. It's just my point of view
Some times, when you're in denial, you can think that you're consciously "switching" to another alter. In fact, this is normal and can sometimes happen. Lots of people are trying to achieve conscious switching or co-consciousness, so it's not a signal of faking but of improvement!

Having said that, I agree with the others above that you should seek for help if you can. Even though the DID symptoms can't be considered "normal", it's always good to have the opinion of a professional. Problem is that there are scheptical psychiatrists out there that will missdiagnose we with Schizophrenia, BIpolar Disorder, etc. But in the bottom of our hearts, we now we're DID
Tom

Thanks Tom, that is exactly it. Sometimes, when I feel I am faking, I think that I can consciously switch and make thoughts from my alter perspectives and sometimes I am just like, well, I have DID. It is almost funny if you could hear my thoughts. "I am just faking it", "Haha, you ######6 wish", "Even though I can feel you, it is just me changing my feelings on purpose," "Wouldn't that be nice, at least you wouldn't seem so crazy." "I probably just want attention or something," "Yeaahhh, that's it you f-ing moron. Tons of people just talk to themselves in their heads. And of course, each side is completely different in every way." You get the point. I think that just having to argue with myself on whether I have DID is a big sign.