When they don't love all of you

This topic is about being in relationships when you have DID, and we need some advice. Our main just lost her partner and friend of 6 years because of something one of the alters did.. and kept doing over the course of their 9-month relationship. This alter has BPD, and our system is going through *TW* flashbacks and retrieving new information about our childhood abuse. Needless to say, it's been a really bad few weeks for us. Her partner was aware of this but he left us abruptly last night, citing that he could not longer be in a relationship because he did could not cope with the frequent, uncontrolled switching, and untreated BPD of the alter.

We have been waitlisted for trauma-therapy/formal diagnosis, but our system is already well-documented. However, it has wreaked havoc on our relationship and pretty much ruined every chance of it ever working out. We've been waiting for help but it's not there and there are doubts in our system that it may come too late.

Our host has disappeared because she put a lot of effort into this relationship, while juggling our needs, and it wasn't enough for her partner to want to stay. She is furious with the BPD alter, and has regressed/no longer wants to give herself hope of ever being in a relationship that will not be destroyed by DID.

Do you have any advice? She refuses to front because she feels like she is no longer useful, that certain alters have made it impossible for her to have a happy life. She's basically given up. But we need her to go to the psychiatrist and tell them what is going on. All the other alters are incapable of giving our story a kind perspective (they are abusive/suicidal) and if they front, we will most certainly be locked up against our will - which will trigger unimaginable things.

I don't know that I can help with this, except to encourage you to try and draw her out and get her help, but I do want to offer my sympathies. I wish I could give her a hug right now (if that's the sort of thing she would allow).

hello certavietvici,

Firstly I'm sorry to hear what happened to your host. I'm not sure I can give helpful advice but I think it's important to know that for one, many people need and deserve time to get over a lost relationship. Everyone has the right to grieve a lost partner their own way, and she probably needs some time to cope with what happened. If you are concerned for her well-being, I would try talking to her, letting her know you still appreciate her, that she isn't worthless no matter what he thought. I would try my best to let her know that she's loved and important to you, and that you will be there to support her and get her back on her feet.

It isn't easy to be in a relationship with someone with mental health problems. Some people can stand by someone with mental illness, support them, but it isn't always easy and some people just aren't ready for that. That is their choice, even though it's important to know that there ARE people who will appreciate the person, no matter what their personal difficulties are. i know your host thinks because her partner left her nobody will ever "put up with her". I used to think the same. I used to think nobody could ever put up with me, not my family, no friends, no man. But it's all about finding the right people. They are out there. My current boyfriend is happy to be with me despite it being difficult at times. He loves me, all of me, and will always be there for me. I'm sure there is someone out there who will feel that way about your host. I didn't think it would happen to me, but there are people who will accept you the way you are. It's all about being patient. Just hang in there, and don't put up with people who don't appreciate you. You're too good for that. You deserve better.

I hope she will feel better soon, but I really think you should try to get her to get help.

Maybe someone else will comment too, someone who's better at giving advice.
But I wish you all the best.

Casey

My guy's alter destroyed our relationship of 7 years in the same way...but I want to tell your host, that the alter only destroyed it on the surface with his actions (leaving me for someone else), but that I am still here, 3 1/2 years later, and will still be here, should he want help or to have me back in his life.

In other words, I'm still willing to deal with my guy's DID, and not blame the host for the switch that caused the other alter (who is also BPD) to destroy our relationship by publicly dating someone else.

Maybe if you sent a message to your host and said there IS hope, there ARE people out there who will accept you for who you are, and there is even still hope that if you went to T and told the host's former partner that the system was working on the issues, that maybe even this relationship that was so important can be saved.

That might be motivation to get her to therapy. And, I believe it's true. I would take my guy back, even after all of this pain and upset, if I knew he was willing to just try to work on things with a T.

I think giving your host hope will pull her back to the front.

Moon

-- Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:28 pm --

My guy's alter destroyed our relationship of 7 years in the same way...but I want to tell your host, that the alter only destroyed it on the surface with his actions (leaving me for someone else), but that I am still here, 3 1/2 years later, and will still be here, should he want help or to have me back in his life.

In other words, I'm still willing to deal with my guy's DID, and not blame the host for the switch that caused the other alter (who is also BPD) to destroy our relationship by publicly dating someone else.

Maybe if you sent a message to your host and said there IS hope, there ARE people out there who will accept you for who you are, and there is even still hope that if you went to T and told the host's former partner that the system was working on the issues, that maybe even this relationship that was so important can be saved.

That might be motivation to get her to therapy. And, I believe it's true. I would take my guy back, even after all of this pain and upset, if I knew he was willing to just try to work on things with a T.

I think giving your host hope will pull her back to the front.

Moon

Sometimes finding a trust-worthy hypnotist to tinker with things within the system can help. From what I've been told and witnessed, a good H can alter an alter (buh-bye bpd?), or implement Specific Triggers or Codes that will bring out alters (giving a more structured environment rather than them coming out at inconvenient times) However, not everybody can find-or afford-a good, trustworthy H. But if you can, it really seems to be a worthwhile investment.