My Journey to this point (triggers)

So I never ever ever ever ever thought I would have anything like DID. It is only recently that I've sat down and figured this out.

Just a heads up, I'm not sure if I really have DID. What I have may be schizohprenic in nature, rather. Because I can conciously control switching, I remember what the others do and say, etc. However, I do feel like I watch the others from above them while they are out, or perhaps watch myself with another personality from afar like a movie, and sometimes they don't allow me control...we tie each other up in the corner so to speak as I have done with ME.

To avoid confusion, I'll talk about alters in caps. I ME and MYSELF. I put a description of them in the bottom.

When she was younger she went through a lot of various pain- sexual, confinement, emotional, verbal abuse. Bullying became unbearable around age eleven at the same time as sexual abuse and ME was created. ME hated everyone and wanted to kill everyone that bothered her. MYSELF felt enough anger to develop into hatred of those that bullied and hurt her. Yet ME was always kept tied up in a corner. No-one ever saw the anger of ME, which makes me wonder if I was created earlier than I think and perhaps I kept ME tied up that whole time too.

When MYSELF was thirteen I was created. MYSELF is the real owner of this body. However she's never been strong. At thirteen she attempted suicide for the first time and found herself being asked all kinds of questions by the doctors about her trauma filled past...she couldn't speak for herself, she was quiet, she needed a leader for clarity because she had no idea what to say.

Right now, I conrtol 90% of her day.

Throughout it all, we've believed in a demon-type creature we refer to as HIM, whom we hallucinate visually/audibly and fear deathly. HIM is in leauge with the spirits of the dead, and other demons that we can hallucinate. HIM threatens us with death if we don't do as he sasy. Which makes it difficult for me as the objective leader to control the fear of the others when they believe HIM is real. HIM is not a personality, but a seperate following hallucination. ME is in leauge with HIM and wants to serve him to hurt others. So I and MYSELF tied her up in the corner of our mind.

I'm currently in the hospital because of MYSELF and ME hurting this body's reproductive organs to make it infertile because MYSELF is shameful and believes she'd be a terrible mother always and because ME just likes to hurt this body at the bidding of HIM or other demons.

The other night we hallucinated the spirit of our half-sister's dead father, whom ME had planned to brutally murder in revenge because he hurt our sister. MYSELF and ME believed he was a real spirit out for revenge for wishing and planning to kill him, as well as the fact we told the cops on him. HIM was hallucinated next to that spirit.

So that led to hyperventilation and a break down. Voila, I decided to bring this body to a hospital to willingly be put in a safe place for treatment.

We can't go home because dad has said that I can't go home until I have no mental illness. So we are homeless. We're looking for long term mental care in a state hospital or something, the idea is very scary because I've heard horror stories about state mental hospitals and the fact of being locked up for so long. Very lost and confused. We just wanted to share our story. Nice to meet you.

I saw your post and felt compelled to respond (does not happen often). It was good of "I" to keep the body safe, without the body there can be no change. The idea of a state hospital can be intimidating. In my 20's spent the better part of four years hospitalized in a state supported facility. I will share from my experience that it was not the Holiday Inn, but then again it was not supposed to be. If you are a voluntary admit remember you have more rights, ask questions until you understand what rights you have. You really are the best advocate for your needs in this life, so try to empower the body's voice. I wish you a safe journey to stability.

Kero

Thanks Kero

I'm trying to be a strong voice for her rights but it's very hard with the cold facts- we are homeless, no income, not even SSDI. We think the staff here want us to leave because this is a short term facility but there's nowhere to go.

The idea of state hospital or group home in big cities is terrifying due to the thought of being alone for so long...I don't know if we'd survive being alone in a scary big place.

We were considering moving to a group home out of state in Nevada to be near our aunt and uncle but it seems like a bit reckless to suddenly pick up and move that far, aunt and uncle might not even agree with the idea...but what else can we do...

It makes us angry to feel unwanted. Hospitals don't want us, family doesn't really want us hanging out (possibly for our own good)...no-one wants us. I'm thankful I still have the internet for close friends.

ME came out last night when triggered. The first time I've really listened to her talk while I floated outside the body looking on. I believe she was triggered by something we thought a staff member said: "Caitlin needs to go home. I'm tired of her being here." It hurt.

ME wanted to kill her and drew a scary picture, she insulted I and MYSELF over and over, she told us no-one wanted us but they'd like her, she broke something in half.

FFFFFFffffffffffff

They are thinking of a dischagre from here around friday even though our suicidal ideation is still high...but I come back to the same stall. Where are we going to go? Homeless shelter? LOL. Hopefully when stepmom comes things will clear up. So confused.

I'm trying to keep open communication and hope up for the three of us...and Mirror too, haha.