Fam member DID again, about to break, dunno what to do

Hi everyone,

I'm not really sure where to post this. I joined these Psychforums a few years ago on another topic. But anyway I'm not sure where to put this. Is anyone here who is a family member who has DID? I'm basically looking for support in that arena and am a bit stressed to say the least.

Basically this concerns my aunt. It's hard to explain but basically over the past several years my parents have passed away due to illness. And because of caring for them have fallen on hard times. Having to live with family. So that's me at the moment.

This concerns my aunt though, sorry if this is a TLDR. For years, my aunt, my mom's sister was my favorite aunt and loved me very much, we were very close. Years ago when she divorced her abusive husband, her DID surfaced to me for the first time and an altar appeared to me that was really verbally and physically abusive to both me and my mom. This altar hated me and basically it messed up my life in a big way as I was just trying to care for my mom who had a serious illness at the time and I was just graduating high school.

So in the ensuing years, my aunt found a wonderful therapist and was able to integrate. Fast forward some time, and I have moved back in with she and her family due to financial issues and falling on hard times. My aunt took me in under her wing, the woman that loved me as her nephew, and we were really close. but in that time frame, I have come to find out that the sexual abuse she suffered was quite traumatic from her father, my grandfather, which caused the DID in the first place, and dealing with the destruction of my perfect idea of my grandparents has been hard enough to take.

Well recently, she met a woman online, and due to pressures in her life, her DID has resurfaced, at least to me, perhaps she has had it all along. Basically as far as I understand it and I will use pseudonyms in case she lurks at this forum, which is possible. And, the altar that was mean to me has become dominant. And, it's just becoming hard for me to handle, and I'm about at my breaking point emotionally.

So as far as I understand it, she has at least there personalities - N - the 16 yo girl who cusses up a storm and is full of anger, who doesn't care for me very much, my aunt, I'll call her Millicent, who is a sweet aunt and is very rarely prone to anger, but is no longer dominant, and Cherub, a 5 yo little girl who is very shy and scared and sweet. I know of a 4th as well, that I have talked to but few know exists, a girl of about 10 years old.

Now that N is out and dominant, i find it really scary for me to deal with even though i have been aware of this for some time. I thought my aunt had been integrated. And for some reason it's freaking me out.

Right now and i dunno how it works, all of the personalities, at least the core two are aware of each other and talk to each other. My aunt millicent has told me that she has heard N talking when she's out, so it's not even like she blacks out or anything at this point.

So heretofore, my aunt millicent had taken me in under her wing and been there for me during my recent trauma in my life as my dad had just passed. But now that N is again dominant and is actually the dominant personality (controls most memories), she shuts herself away. N and I have developed a type of rapport between ourselves now which is interesting, and I find her to actually be kinda a cool chick. We have similar taste in music and attitude toward life, and she isn't always angry, she is a complete personality, but the other family members don't really get that.

Nevertheless, N still doesn't really like me very much as I am kinda a loser geek and so you can imagine how a 16 yo hipster chick would react to such a person. But she tolerates me probably doing a favor to Millicent.

And, so it gets really strange as I don't always know who I am talking to. Like weeks had passed before i was able to talk to my aunt millicent again after weeks of N. And that was after they all shut themselves away to talk to their online friend (also D.I.D.). And, it get so strange as both N and Millicent will refer to each other as separate people i find it hard to even talk to my aunt as I don't always know who's out or if N will take credit for something millicent did just so it doesn't freak me out.

But things will happen like I'll be talking to my aunt and N will totally say I didn't do such and such that was millicent. Or Millicent will say, i dunno who played that song, N changed all of my songs on my player one day. So some months back, I joined an art website with a forum with my aunt and now both millicent and N have accounts on it and talk to each other. It's really weird *to me* and freaks me out.

And, it's just hard to deal with because i can't really talk to my aunt about it as she has shut herself off and her daughter protects her so much over it. You'd think after having this in my life for so long I would be used to it, but I'm finding I'm just about to break and kinda wish I was actually D.I.D. myself so i could just have "someone else" take over for me.

As for me, I'm not sure if I may not in fact have some part of this myself. I have short term memory issues since my parents passed. I am naturally a shy person, and scared to interact with people, but then I go into what I call "zen mode" where this gregarious extroverted side of me comes out that is a total flirt and very sociable with people, and I kinda let this side of me take over and at times I have kinda actually stood back and observed as this side of me will basically take over and be this flirt with people.

And, there have been times where I will talk to myself in a mirror in different accents and they will have conversations with me. Or I will inexplicably start talking in spanish (we are not latino) or whatever. But i've never had blackouts except one time while drinking vodka. I blacked out and when i came to, the rest of the bottle had been drunk and I came to as I was falling down. But that's it. So I dunno where I stand with D.I.D. Right now back in my hometown, and feel when i walk the streets of it as if I am in a fugue and the buildings are empty and hold little memory for me. It's as if I erased a part of my traumatic memories when my mom died.

But anyway, this is where I stand with my aunt. It's weird because her other daughter has at least 4 egos and it's like dealing with 4 different people and it doesn't bother me at all. She manifests some symptoms of D.I.D. but i dunno if she is simply mischievious or actually has real altars, but they are very different from each other. But they all seem to know and like me so it doesn't bother me in the least.

But for some reason, it freaks me out about my aunt. And, I'm not sure how to handle it or how to deal with it. It just makes me feel so very alone and scared.

Sorry if this was too long, just wondering if anybody can relate at all.

Hinterland

Hi and welcome to the forum. We have several people here who are family members and I am sure that they will speak up. It just may take time. So be patient.

As for the possibility of you having DID, I am far from an expert, but it does sound highly possible. I don't black out. Not even when drinking. And it took me a long time to realize that I lose time. It just isn't there, but I don't know it until something specific about it is mentioned. I also have giant gaps in memory. Both recent and distant past. Like years that never happened.

Anyway, welcome.

Thanks for the welcome . Yeah it's just hard for me to deal with everything right now. Apologies if my post was too jumbled.

Of course you are upset. You think you may have DID and this older person with DID in your family, someone you depend on, supposedly was integrated and now clearly isn't. Did your aunt's long term integration fall apart, or were her alters never integrated just suppressed? What do they say about what has happened?

Well I thought they had been integrated, but from what I understand from both my cousin and my aunt, and agreement was made between N and her therapist that N would be suppressed and let Millicent be dominant. I have always known her as Millicent. But apparently N is or had become stronger when this surfaced (to me) those years ago.

And then apparently, N resurfaced a few years ago when a former female lover returned to her life, and my aunt's daughter was very upset with this lover for drawing out N again.

I had always assumed she had been integrated, and her severe angry mood change, was her integrated self. But since N has basically taken the reins the majority of the time, I see now that that was not the case.

It's hard for me to really dig into this any deeper as yet as N has shut off the body from most everyone now except for limited communication with her daughter since she is now attached to her online girlfriend, itself a very confusing DID situation where her online lover also has alters and the alters are themselves having an affair.

My aunt is no longer in therapy btw. So much time has passed I can only imagine her therapist has long since retired or even died.

At any rate, just at the end of my tether. I find I can only rely on my own abilities. I saw in your signature that you are like me, empathic. I can usually feel other people's pain or emotion. When my mother was cremated after she passed, I felt it and have a scar on my hand.

So the only way I can really tell if N or Millicent is present or out is really to feel her "wavelength" and read her body mannerisms. Different hairdo, body language, etc.

As for whether I have it? Again, dunno, my head is a very busy place and i talk to many different "people" whether this is God or spirits, or suppressed alters, I cannot know, but as I said, I have conversed with some of them in a mirror in very distinct accents. It's kinda weird.They will usually be giving me pep talks or advice when this happens. And, usually the only physical manifestation when this occurs is my sinuses go crazy.

As for the home here, I do believe her daughter has several egos, one of them dominant and angry, the other very fun loving. And, her other adopted daughter has at least four egos, including one who is feral. But I cannot be sure if these are simply egos and she is merely mischievous or if she is DID.

It sounds to me like you need a Plan B to your current situation, an exit plan. You don't necessarily have to use it, but I think you would feel far more secure if you knew you could leave and be safe. What would you need to have in place, to do that?

Yeah that's the problem. I don't really have a plan b at the moment. I have nowhere else to go and all options are pretty nil. Have been attempting all other options. That's part of why this is so scary. But I guess there's a reason the universe put me here so all I can really do is dig in and persevere. It's just sad to me because I miss Millicent and it's N who's here most of the time now. It makes me feel so very lost like the one who had my back is gone.