At my wits end *trigger warning*

Should I try to get out?

I think Faith's mom may be a little narcissist...
Almost all of this sounds like the mom...
*Warning:This is long and I may post it somewhere else in the future*

She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you're always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her.

She's also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She's very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers ("Don't wash our dirty laundry in public!") and will punish you for telling anyone else what she's done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public.

She'll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding ("I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don't know what I can do for her!") As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them ("I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!"). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist's defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I'm sure she didn't mean it like that!")

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You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there. She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs ("Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!") You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/ conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you're punished for your insistence ("Since you're old enough to date, I think you're old enough to pay for your own clothes!") If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your "independence".

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4. She undermines. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn't come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it's no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn't as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.


5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates. She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all. She doesn't care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you're never right.

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): "You were always difficult". "You can be very difficult to love". "You never seemed to be able to finish anything". "You were very hard to live with." "You're always causing trouble". "No one could put up with the things you do."

She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she'll complain about how "no one" loves her, does anything for her, or cares about her, or she'll complain that "everyone" is so selfish, when you're the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability.


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6. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting", common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, otherwise you wouldn't believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative. You're oversensitive. You're imagining things. You're hysterical. You're completely unreasonable. You're over-reacting, like you always do. She'll talk to you when you've calmed down and aren't so irrational. She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.

Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood. She didn't do anything. She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her. You've hurt her terribly. She thinks you may need psychotherapy. She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do. You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.


7. She's envious. Any time you get something nice she's angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She'll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She's always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They'll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children's marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.


8. She's a liar in too many ways to count. Any time she talks about something that has emotional significance for her, it's a fair bet that she's lying. Lying is one way that she creates conflict in the relationships and lives of those around her - she'll lie to them about what other people have said, what they've done, or how they feel. She'll lie about her relationship with them, about your behavior or about your situation in order to inflate herself and to undermine your credibility.

The narcissist is very careful about how she lies. To outsiders she'll lie thoughtfully and deliberately, always in a way that can be covered up if she's confronted with her lie. She spins what you said rather than makes something up wholesale. She puts dishonest interpretations on things you actually did. If she's recently done something particularly egregious she may engage in preventative lying: she lies in advance to discount what you might say before you even say it. Then when you talk about what she did you'll be cut off with "I already know all about it" your mother told me... (self-justifications and lies). Because she is so careful about her deniability, it may be very hard to catch her in her lies and the more gullible of her friends may never realize how dishonest she is.

To you, she'll lie blatantly. She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances "You have a very vivid imagination" or "That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?" Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies and she doesn't respect you enough to bother making it sound good. For example she'll start with a self-serving lie: "If I don't take you as a dependent on my taxes I'll lose three thousand dollars!" You refute her lie with an obvious truth: "No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You'll only lose about eight hundred dollars." Her response: "Isn't that what I said?" You are now in a game with only one rule: You can't win.

On the rare occasions she is forced to acknowledge some bad behavior, she will couch the admission deniably. She "guesses" that "maybe" she "might have" done something wrong. The wrongdoing is always heavily spun and trimmed to make it sound better. The words "I guess", "maybe," and "might have" are in and of themselves lies because she knows exactly what she did - no guessing, no might haves, no maybes.

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13. She is insanely defensive and is extremely sensitive to any criticism. If you criticize her or defy her she will explode with fury, threaten, storm, rage, destroy and may become violent, beating, confining, putting her child outdoors in bad weather or otherwise engaging in classic physical abuse.


14. She terrorized. For all abusers, fear is a powerful means of control of the victim, and your narcissistic mother used it ruthlessly to train you. Narcissists teach you to beware their wrath even when they aren't present. The only alternative is constant placation. If you give her everything she wants all the time, you might be spared. If you don't, the punishments will come. Even adult children of narcissists still feel that carefully inculcated fear. Your narcissistic mother can turn it on with a silence or a look that tells the child in you she's thinking about how she's going to get even.

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16. She's aggressive and shameless. She doesn't ask. She demands. She makes outrageous requests and she'll take anything she wants if she thinks she can get away with it. Her demands of her children are posed in a very aggressive way, as are her criticisms. She won't take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in.


17. She "parentifies". She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could.
She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.

More Here: http://www.lightshouse.org/characterist ... z2TxgS1S2U

20. She is never wrong about anything. No matter what she's done, she won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time she feels she is being made to apologize she will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology she has just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you". "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." "If I did that it was wrong." "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it." "I'm sorry I made you feel clumsy, stupid and disgusting". "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive". "I'm sorry that my own child feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection.

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I really think you should try and get out and call someone other than that counselor, like 911 or your local CPS hotline.

OCPD?
Growing up with an OCPD parent isn't easy. A grade of 99% correct on a school exam yields a discussion about why that other 1% was not answered correctly. The lawn is never mowed quite the way it should be. Occasionally arriving five minutes late is unacceptable. Whatever it is, it must be done perfectly, or it's just no good at all, and they just "knew" they shouldn't have trusted their child to do the task. OCPD parents are black and white thinkers who do not easily accept shades of gray, and who find imperfection anxiety-producing.

Though many OCPD parents are highly focused on task-oriented activities other than parenting, OCPD parents who place a high value on parenthood manifest as "helicopter parents". These parents are over-involved in their children's activities and undertakings and provide little freedom or independence from their watchful eye. Their children are not allowed to make their own decisions or develop independently without their parent.

Most OCPD parents are focused on production, efficiency, rules, work, and order. Children aren't allowed to experiment, make mistakes, or get rowdy or silly often enough. Growing up with an OCPD parent is stifling and disheartening. Children of OCPD parents are not given the opportunity to develop their own internal sense of competency and of being acceptable as they are. When overseen by an OCPD parent, simple things are made difficult, and difficult things may never be allowed to be attempted.

OCPD parents are poor delegators of tasks with both children and adults. They do not like giving up control to others; they prefer to do things themselves instead, in order to get the exact result they want. "If you want something done right, do it yourself" is the attitude of the OCPD parent. Their children's good intentions and best efforts aren't enough - it's only the result that matters.

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If you want something done right, do it yourself.

A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Never mind - I'll do it.

Time is money.

Stick with the plan.

You did an okay job, except for...

I can't reschedule things. Don't ask me to.

We need a lot more time for this to do it properly.

Everyone is always so lazy and careless!

Don't be late.

There's a right way and a wrong way to do things.

Whenever I let someone use something of mine, they give it back scratched/late/dirty/disorganized.

That's not the rule.

Get with the program.

Make hay while the sun shines.

That wasn't the plan.

Who did this?

You know that doesn't belong here. Always put it back where you found it.

I'll be done when the details have been addressed.

You have to ______ or ______ won't be good enough.

Save it for a rainy day.

Why are you so careless? Take some pride in your work!

That's just the way it HAS to be.
.
Note: Not all people with OCPD will say all these things, and some of these things are occasionally said by people without OCPD. This list is not exhaustive; these are simply some common examples.

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Good Mother VS. Bad Mother Test

1. Does your mother tend to be unforgiving? Does she say things like "I will never be able to forgive you for that." or "If you do so and so I would never be able to forgive you." "What he did was unforgivable."

2.Does she tell you that it is a sign of weakness to cry?

3. Is it hard or impossible for your mother to admit mistakes?,

4. Does your mother always have to have the last word?

5. Is it important for her that she always appears to be right and to win all the arguements?

6. Does your mother make you feel responsible for her feelings (for her happiness or unhappiness or hurt or disappointments)?

7. Does your mother tell you she is disappointed in you?

8. Does your mother ever tell you that you don't deserve things? For example, "You don't deserve all the things your father and I do for you."

9. Does she try to get you to question your own intelligence by saying things like "You think you are so smart." or "You are not smart as you like to think you are." Or "If you are so smart, how can you do something so stupid.?" or "Why didn't you think of that?"

10. Does your mother say things like "You could do better" in a disapproving way?

Number of "Yes" Answers

0-2 You seem to have a pretty good mother or even a great mother.

3-5 Your mother is probably not good for your emotional health.

6-8 Your mother is somewhat emotionally abusive.

9-10 Your mother is very emotionally abusive.

I got 10.

The mother was quite a secretive creature as well. As such, she was spoken of unless directly asked about and then she was not spoken of in relation to the body. She was only spoken of in relation to her job or in relation to other family members. At the time, this was deemed the most effective method of protection. However, now that it has been observed that other forms of action may also translate as methods of protection, the same actions would not have been chosen. Hindsight, as it is said, is 20/20. To you this advice is offered, you may speculate on how your mother or parents may react or you may act yourself. Regardless of your choice, I wish a straight and clear path for you and your own.

Thank you, from all of us.
-Shadow

Please update us as you are able and especially if you are safe. May you find a safe path. Hugs if wanted.
Will keep you all in our thoughts.

i am sari mama is meen

my mama is meen too

lik a wikid step mother from faeri tals

yor nis peple

its rong herting nis peple

i kros my fingers and mak wishes you wil be saf and nobodi ever herts you agen

or maks you feel bad sad skard and evrething like that

kan i hug you if you want

allyson

You are not wrong. My Mom has been that way with me in the past and in the present she belittles me sometimes. I think you should go somewhere safe. The reason I didn't call a hotline, or whatever is because I didn't want me and my brother seperated. Maybe it would've be good for us though.