Need advice

Hi;

I am new to the forum and need advice ...

I have a good friend with dissociative identity disorder. In fact, she has often referred to me as her best friend. Last November, she moved to another part of the country, but we kept in touch daily via the phone and emails. I have also visited her twice since her move. My first visit went well, but she was suffering from anxiety and depression during my second visit.

At the end of March, she indicated that she did not want me to visit her again, that we were not good friends. I was stunned because we had been talking daily by phone. She also said she did not want to talk with me as much, that once a week was fine with her. But, then again, for several weeks she would contact me on several consecutive days (each week), either by phone or email. She has also sent me numerous pictures by iPhone. However, on several occasions when I have attempted to make contact with her, she has replied with a very hurtful email or by screaming. This pattern has repeated for 4-5 weeks and on 3 occasions she has announced that our friendship was ending. I am very sad and frustrated since I love my friend very much. We had even discussed getting together this summer but it looks like everything is on hold.

How can my friend be so loving on one day and so hurtful on another? How can we be best friends one day and on another day she doesn't care if she ever sees me again? She seems to be growing increasingly confused and I am too ...

I feel that there is little I can do to improve the relationship because we are now so far apart.

Any advise you can give would be greatly appreciated.

My first thoughts are that you need to set down some boundaries for this friend. As in, she needs to know it is not okay for any part of her to be hurtful and screaming at you. People who have been through histories of trauma are often very appreciative of boundaries put in place for them. It helps them to feel contained and 'okay'. I think you need to be honest with her and tell her that you are not going to accept that behaviour from her anymore. She needs to find some other outlet for her anger and not use you as an emotional punch bag.

Being honest now, I am a very 'moody' person. The person I live with never really knows from one minute to next if I am going to be silly and happy or depressed and withdrawn. But I have to keep my emotions in check so that they don't affect him too much, otherwise it just isn't fair of me. I can't start screaming at him if I feel horrid. I can't hurt him because I am hurt. Your friend needs to be aware of this.

In the long run she will be grateful for your honesty and your help. She probably feels like she is spinning out of control herself and any thing you can do on your side to help her feel she can manage her emotions again will be beneficial. In my opinion.

I hope things get better soon. It can't be easy at all to have your best friend sending such mixed messages.

-B

Thank you very much for the advice. I appreciate it.

It sounds to me like your friend's system has become unstable, and as a result she is switching on you. How much do you know about DID in general? How much do you know about her DID?

Hi Una+;

I have limited knowledge regarding DID, and my friend has not provided me with specifics. When I first met her back in 2010, she made reference to her "problems," but didn't provide me with much detail. Perhaps she thought I would walk away.

Yes, she has become unstable and is switching on me with increasing frequency. Should I tell her this? I am very reluctant to say much because I don't want her to shut me out. She recently threatened to block my phone number and emails.

My friend is now isolated, living in a remote rural location. I feel that the isolation, as well as the fact that I am no longer living close by, have contributed to her instability.

How do I get through to her without harming our friendship?

The best thing you can do for her is to be yourself, consistently. Don't react to her every twitch and twinge. Do be a Steady Eddy. You are her friend. Be her friend, through thick and thin. This may mean your contacts fall way off, and that's okay. You are still her friend. Don't "get through" to her, don't "tell her about herself". You know next to nothing about her system, so that would be highly presumptuous and inappropriate and likely not on target either.