thoughts, worries, apologies

*Generic trigger warning for whole post*
I'm sorry for making another thread, I hate how we post so much for ourselves and not a lot for everyone else... Lately I get triggered by almost everything I read so by the time I've worked my way through a post someone else has already helped out and I feel like I'm being useless

*TW abuse* I'm finally starting to accept that Star has been through what she says she has, that our father is probably multiple and has been SA-ing us while both I and the father are "asleep" and he doesn't know this. Which would explain why I often go long periods of time lacking sleep when I shouldn't be and why he sometimes is very kind and caring and sometimes we do not matter to him. I want to get away to keep the others safe, but how do I do that to someone who doesn't know what they've done and won't believe me if I tell them?

And I know its early to be thinking about it, but ever since I've been host I've wanted to have kids some day. What if I have an alter I haven't met yet who will come out and abuse my kids? it scares me so much to think that I could end up being the same as him

And I could leave right now, and go live with my mum, but how do I explain it to her? What if she doesn't believe me if I tell her why I left?

And id be so far away. My mum lives in another state. I'd be leaving everyone behind...

And our dad was going to get us a T. I can't throw that away, either. I dont know what to do about any of this.

And there is still a little bit of a doubt in my head. What if Star just gets really vivid nightmares? Yes I hate being touched for the most part but that could just be a quirk. Is that thinking protecting me from doing something stupid? Or is it just denial?

I am so afraid. I hate how scared I always get. I sound like a kid, dont I?

I know I am supposed to be taking care of the system. But is this the best thing to do when I haven't actually experienced this and don't know 100% that it's happened?

I want this to all go away. I want to not have to face life anymore. Inside I can do so much more than I can out here and I feel trapped in the outside world sometimes...

~Kitty

(trigger warning - death/violence)

It's raining,
It's pouring,
Her old man stopped snoring,
He went to bed,
I smashed his head,
He never got up in the morning!

-Song

... You're scaring me again. Please dont actually do anything...

Kitty @ Gerudo7 wrote:Lately I get triggered by almost everything I read so by the time I've worked my way through a post someone else has already helped out and I feel like I'm being useless

Would you like a non-triggering job here? How about this? Send a short PM to each new poster, anyone who has made just one or two posts, welcoming them.

Kitty wrote:our father is probably multiple and has been SA-ing us while both I and the father are "asleep" and he doesn't know this.

Yes. This could be happening. Please assume that it is happening. Please believe your alter just as if your alter were an outside child of yours. If you were the mother of a child reporting such things, what would you do? I am so sorry. You do need to get away, to a place where you are safe from this behavior by him or anyone else. Safety comes first. Explaining why can come later, over time, as you are able.

Kitty wrote:What if I have an alter I haven't met yet who will come out and abuse my kids?

This is a fear many of us have, and it is justified. But unlike your father you are aware of your DID. This makes all the difference. Because you are aware there are many, many things you can do and I am sure will do to be absolutely sure that what you fear never happens. One thing you can do is work with a therapist to fully explore your system and heal any alters who might otherwise abuse your own children.

Kitty wrote:And I could leave right now, and go live with my mum, but how do I explain it to her? What if she doesn't believe me if I tell her why I left?

Do you actually need to explain anything? Could you just say you want to live with her, and leave it at that? In all likelihood your mother has experienced your father's alters, including the one who comes out at night. Even if she knows about his alters, she may still deny whatever you tell her. After all, she has allowed you to live with him. Please be prepared for her to deny your experience and invalidate you. Please have contingency plans worked out, in case she does that.

Could your mother have DID also? Are you sure she is a safe person for you? Think very carefully about this. Again, have contingency plans.

Gerudo7 wrote:*Generic trigger warning for whole post*
I'm sorry for making another thread, I hate how we post so much for ourselves and not a lot for everyone else... Lately I get triggered by almost everything I read so by the time I've worked my way through a post someone else has already helped out and I feel like I'm being useless

You don't need to apologise, it's good you can come here and process. We REALLY relate to this bit, so much sooo we couldn't read most of the rest sorry

We did manage to read some of what una wrote though, thank you una for doing what we just couldn't

Don't feel bad/useless gerudo, from what i can tell it's pretty common, be gentle with yourselves, you'll be able to comment on other posts when you feel better.

blu

(continue trigger warning...)

Blu-Web wrote:Don't feel bad/useless gerudo, from what i can tell it's pretty common, be gentle with yourselves, you'll be able to comment on other posts when you feel better.

Thanks...

Una+ wrote:Would you like a non-triggering job here? How about this? Send a short PM to each new poster, anyone who has made just one or two posts, welcoming them.

Yes... Okay... That's a nice idea...[/quote]

Una wrote:Yes. This could be happening. Please assume that it is happening. Please believe your alter just as if your alter were an outside child of yours. If you were the mother of a child reporting such things, what would you do? I am so sorry. You do need to get away, to a place where you are safe from this behavior by him or anyone else. Safety comes first. Explaining why can come later, over time, as you are able.

I... I am afraid to do anything about it... I tried getting away once... Or Tetra did... We hid for a bit then started running... He waited for us, for hours... Yelled... Guilt-tripped... Always, everything we do trying to get away is bad... I want to do something about it, but I feel like emotionally I can't... Trying to... But something keeps stopping me...

una wrote:This is a fear many of us have, and it is justified. But unlike your father you are aware of your DID. This makes all the difference. Because you are aware there are many, many things you can do and I am sure will do to be absolutely sure that what you fear never happens. One thing you can do is work with a therapist to fully explore your system and heal any alters who might otherwise abuse your own children.

Yes... You're right... Thank you...

una wrote:Do you actually need to explain anything? Could you just say you want to live with her, and leave it at that? In all likelihood your mother has experienced your father's alters, including the one who comes out at night. Even if she knows about his alters, she may still deny whatever you tell her. After all, she has allowed you to live with him. Please be prepared for her to deny your experience and invalidate you. Please have contingency plans worked out, in case she does that.

I feel like o need to explain. Otherwise I am hurting everyone. I know this is not necessarily true but that is the way I have to think where I am right now and that process is stuck... I remember when she moved away and the court decision was made for us to stay... She was crying... Our grandmother was yelling at her "how could you let this happened" and she could barely say she didn't let it she didn't get enough of a say... So I don't think she let it happen... And she doesn't seem like she'd be invalidating.

Una wrote:Could your mother have DID also? Are you sure she is a safe person for you? Think very carefully about this. Again, have contingency plans.

We feel safe at her house,.. Yes, I think she is safe for us to stay with...

For what it s worth, you re not useless. You helped me with the animals - with the shutdown and it meant a lot not goin through that alone.

As for your mom, if she is a safe haven, then by all means, do try to go to her.

I can relate to your fears. I really do. But as Una+ said, a lot can be done by a T.

Can you bring the subject up with your mom? Talkin about livin with her?
I realise this is a huge step, a state away, away from friends.
But safety is so important.

Keep writing.

Love

Nina11

Thank you. That really means a lot...

I'm going to try to talk to her next time I see her. I might not be able to, I've already signed up for school here next year, so since I dont think ill be able to explain she might make me wait a year...

I'm so overwhelmed with all of this... I'm afraid to stay but I'm scared to leave...

~Kitty~

I'm trying to prepare myself and my friends & SO for the possibility/probability of us leaving and I just... It hurts. So much, I dont know if this is what I'm supposed to do anymore. I mean, I know I'm supposed to do this to keep us safe but I don't know if I can anymore...

------------------------

"It's the perfect time of year,
Somewhere far away from here.
I feel fine enough I guess,
Considering everything's a mess!"

"It's like a dream you try to remember but it's gone,
Then you try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn,
When you try to see the world beyond your front door.
...Try to figure out what all this is for...

Pinch me,
Pinch me,
Cuz I'm still
Asleep.
Please god,
Tell me,
That I'm still asleep.....

On an evening such as this,
It's hard to tell if I exist!
Pack the car and leave this town!
Notice that we're not around
I could hide out under there...
Do we leave or do we stay?
All our stuff's here anyway..."

(Pinch Me, bnl)

Moving out is a huge step, it surely is.

You re bound to feel overwhelmed and in doubt, as you will leave what you know behind and go to a new place where you ll make new friends.

You leave a lot behind.

Do know you can be in touch - tho I know it s NOT the same, by Skype or Facebook if possbile?

It s a huge step you re about to take.

If it helps, keep writing.

Much love

Nina11

Yes... Writing is helping... And yes we can keep in touch.... And I am also afraid that everyone wilk think it is because my stepmum is moving in this summer... I dont want her to get blamed...

People always talk, if it s not about one thing it s about somethin else.

You need to focus on you. Your safety is the most important thing for your own health here.

I know it s not easy, it never is. But you will get there.

You will

Sendin you all you need to get through this.

Nina11