not again... (Venting/Thinking Aloud)

*trigger warning - anger depression violence etc.*

I think I'm bipolar or some $#%^ like that. I can't ever decide what the ###$ I think of people or even things sometimes without it changing back and forth all the time. Hell, I don't even know what i think of anything right now, except that I hate myself for this.

And I'm way overprotective over the host sometimes, and then I'll be actually doing my ######6 job, which is to the WHOLE system, and then I'll just hate everyone.

And the SO. Sometimes I love him, and sometimes I feel like it's a bad idea for any of us to be dating so I try to convince the host to break up with him, and sometimes I just dont give a $#%^, then sometimes I wind up wanting to tear him to bits without any clue why.

And apparently when I'm out, it's more obvious that we're multiple. Maybe cuz I'm more unstable than everyone else.

...This is not the first time I took control and almost broke up with our SO.

See? You're doing it again! Just right there, I was really ######6 angry, and now I'm just calming down! And... I'm so inconsistent with myself. I hate it.... I hate me....

All my emotions are way too strong. Never moderate. Always always always always....

I was just trying to give the others a break and host on my own for a day. Just one day. I guess I'm too weak to take care of the system, though.

######6 hell.

What happened yesterday wasn't your fault, Tetra. Please stop blaming yourself and just let it go. It's over. It's okay.
It wasss her fault though...... She needsss to learn that...... Admit it...... Accept punishment for it.......
You are being emotionally abusive. Stop. You've already got Mend and Shadowshifter hurt, and frankly you're stressing me out, too
I'm too unstable. I need to be kept inside and watched a while. I'm done for a bit, everyone needs a break from me. I'll come back in a bit.... Maybe....
Tetra...
WHAT, YOU DISGUSTING HUMAN? DO YOU WANT ME AROUND? HEHEHEHE.... I WILL DESTROY, TEAR, HATE, KILL, MURDER, MUTILATE!
Tetra, stop it, please... It's okay, please calm down before anyone else gets hurt...
Kill you off one by one, destroy you first, and when I'm done....
Tetra?
I am the Poet, returned from Death's claws....
Tetra I thought that was over why are you doing this to us again I feel numb now make it stop.
This is what happens when you let demons hang around.

EVERYONE STOP!!!!!!!!

I want this to all stop... All the fighting... Please someone anyone tell me how to make it stop I am afraid...

Maybe Tetra should have a little break. She seems to feel overwhelmed and sometimes some down time can fix that.


I agree. I think a break might help her feel more stable. and whatever happened yesterday, regardless of weather or not it was her fault, that gives nobody the right to make her feel horrible.

Thank you guys for replying.

Things very hectic now. Not sure why all this started. Started before yesterday I think.

(refresh trigger warning)
System structure is falling apart. I'm stuck inside taking care of injuries. Tetra doesn't feel like a good protector anymore, shadowshifter was our comforter and he feels like he's failed too. Vilkai and Moon aren't here to help us figure this out, we are in the void right now, they should be kinda close normally

I think this is going to take more than a break...

A bit of an explanation (long):

Tetra, Mend, and I have been cohosting because it was getting to be to much for me but im the best for it.

Mendax used to think she was a character, she got to know two others really well and she really cared about them. She still tries to get the other 2 players to RP with her sometimes, and she gets kinda down whenever they she goes alone for a long while. Well one of the players was rping with her a few days and his phone died, she got kind of upset, and then he wouldn't answer for another couple of days

Incidentally this is our SO, who happens to never have his phone on him, so we tend not to worry too much. But then he didn't show up to school and neither did his brother, I started to get kinda worried. Turned out it was nothing; they just stayed home and he forgot to charge his phone.

Until we found this out Tetra decided to give both of us a break, we were both pretty stressed. She bumped into him and asked where he was and he just said he wasn't there. Tetra got angry cuz she was already stressed from daily stuff, and our dad and all that. So she yelled at him a bit. Then she wouldn't atop apologizing. I dont think we've ever seen her that guilty before...

She and Hexa are what they both call "demonkin", which to them is basically "we're-demons-so-we're-not-friends-but-I-won't-kill-you-and-maybe-we-can-torture-some-others-together". Which is how they used to be, and so they sometimes get along and sometimes fight. Today was a fighting day.

Bluh. I feel drained writing all this...)

Shadowshifter normally takes forms of friends to help calm us down by talking to them. For some reason Tetra saw him and just got really angry (this friend of ours happens to also be multiple, sometimes she and one of his alters fight, I'm guessing they fought recentlyt without us knowing? )
So she attacked him and Mendax tried to jump in the middle of it because, well, this is the other player...

So now Tetra has been going through a series of... I dont know. Modes? That she hasn't gone through in almost a year now. "Poet" "Death" "Music"... Not-Normal-Tetra-but-still-Tetra states. And recently she's not been herself either, like sometimes shell say something extremely pacifist which isn't like her but its definitely her saying it, like "NO! dont hurt that bug its still a living thing" or "dont pick the flowers! You're killing them". (she's been doing this both internally and externally).

I am really worried and don't understand what's happening. There is only one theory going around inside right now that I can make sense of : that maybe Tetra is a bunch of fragments or even a multiple. Both are really weird to think about... But it makes sense...

Sorry this is so long...

~Kitty...

*sigh* third time trying to update, we're using the phone and it does not like us.

Super-short-version-running-out-of-time: More fighting, woods caught fire. Met watcher and a little called 7 who both helped save the forest. 7 can only answer yes/no questions with slight variation by using numbers and is blind to the inner world. Watcher is like this big force watching over the inner world but he has never intervened except now because that was natural disaster. Tetra doesn't know what she thinks of the idea, the rest of us are starting to think it makes sense, though we don't want to say yes or no yet.

~Mix?~

Hello there,

Sounds all quite hectic to me.

A fire is so symbolic. It s cleansin yet destroyin at the same time.

Tetra seems to hold all the anger yet not wantin to hold it -

I dont know much about multiples or fragments.

I just wanted you to know I m followin and wishin you all the best to get through this.

Love

Nina11

Hey, thanks for replying nice to know someone's still reading. Also you have a good point about the fire, we hadn't thought of that. I wonder what else it means then?

Well, seems we might have some confirmation on Tetra being multiple - she was typing something up (elsewhere) and she sounded really formal, which isn't how she usually talks/writes, especially in that case, and almost signed it with a different variation of her name. We're looking back on it all for other details and finding a lot, too. We're also getting hints that she's thought of the possibility before...
WELL, YE4H, OF COURSE. i ME4N, WH4T OTHER EXPL4N4TiON DO YOU H4VE? STUPiD ###$.
Hm... Well, that's, uhm... An interesting response...
Dont push the idea. It could just lead to denial.
Yes, I know, I can see it already... "an alter who is also multiple? Yeah, you're just making that up because X and y and z and there's no real reason that would've happened to you". I'm trying not to go to much into this, though. It's just interesting... And it'd be best for us all to get to know them, right...?

It is very possible that Tetra could be multiple. She seems to be from what I've read and nothing is impossible with DID.

We met a part of Tetra's yesterday when I was typing up another post... Talked to her a bit, she looks like Tetra but doesn't sound like her, she says she is a demon (whereas Tetra is half-demon) and she claims to be ("converted to human age") 6 and went by the name of "Song". So... This is going to take some getting used to, I suppose...