Too Many, Too Often, Too Much...

Hi Folks,

Sorry not been posting much of late, reading but struggling to post, it's all the rapid switching. This just seems to be a constant state of affairs for us. Kinda goes like this, we are drawn to a thread, read it, want to post, plan what we will say (explained in detail below), then we switch again....

Us Spider(s) have been wanting to post on our thread for ages, but always seem to switch out or disintegrate into a great big internal discussion. It's not just us spideys, everyone who is able from whatever system seems to be finding a voice.

So yeah, this planning everything in detail before we do it, we think we know why, we have like tons and I mean tons of functioning heads:

e.g.
Mum heads (les different longue aussi)
Driver heads (some boy racers, some more careful, though navigation skills lacked by all)
Friend heads (again diff languages and accents, ages)
Cleaning heads (some cook some meals, some others, OCD does the washing...)
anyhow you get the idea...

So we plan what we will do before we do it, this allows us to: a) broadcast it to the system b) decide what will do/say c) decide WHO will do what, what functioning, hosting head and EMP's are required to attend. We try to run every possible scenario...exhaustive....

When something unexpected happens or things just don't go to plan, we go into panic mode, we literally don't know who to be, we wander around in a dissociated daze, with the thoughts "don't know who to be", "someone take the reigns please", "help.." going round our head, almost like the system temporarily has a glitch, a glitch that can last a long time and basically puts us in trigger mode.

Anyone else relate to any of this?

I guess we just feel like so many, so much of the time, we frequently have someone watching, while others are discussing something, sometimes many are involved in the discussion. Then often during this, there is all the little one line voices that pop up, "who am I", "I don't know who am I", "who said that", "who's watching me" blah blah blah.......This head is just so noisy.

It seems like we have many systems in at once, each system will nominate a spokesperson, to limit the noise, then two (or more) systems will discuss the point. The watchers system (Blu's a watcher) is pretty much always there, but of course there are diff watchers, so no-one sees everything. They are watching from above, working with the Analysts, processing everything, The 'Watchers' and 'Analysts' can get noisy and involved in discussions too.

We are often 4 systems at once, Watchers(Analysts), Spider(s), KNOT and other, is a common scenario. If KNOT is in, and the other slot is taken by a tangle, this is when it gets really bad. It's like KNOT releases a little tangle of fragments/broken alters, the tangle compromises many wandering about lost, tangled together, confused. The other systems are watching and talking to them trying to help.

We also think about whether or not we loose time. There is a general overview held by the watchers, a kinda awareness of time passing. But all the details, conversations, memories really, these are all stored with all the others. All memories come to us through reliving. e.g. We can't remember what we had for dinner without being in the head that cooked or ate (diff heads). We can't remember what we said in a conversation without finding who said it, becoming that person and replaying the memory.

We (The analysts) hold our memories + everything the others share with us or discuss openly. This allows us to process. All memories are divided and held by many, even the Functioners hold memories, but the watchers, the ones keeping time, don't seem to hold any memories. They know how to find them though, they can use the big storage cabinet/databank which holds snapshots, these link to whoever holds the memory. Watchers can find the snapshot, load the file and locate the head who holds the memory.

Again anyone out there relate and if you made it this far through my thread, thank you for reading this novel of a post.

Blu (Watchers) | Analyst(s) | Functioners | Spider(s) | KNOT

Blu-Web wrote:So we plan what we will do before we do it, this allows us to: a) broadcast it to the system b) decide what will do/say c) decide WHO will do what, what functioning, hosting head and EMP's are required to attend. We try to run every possible scenario...exhaustive....

When something unexpected happens or things just don't go to plan, we go into panic mode, we literally don't know who to be, we wander around in a dissociated daze, with the thoughts "don't know who to be", "someone take the reigns please", "help.." going round our head, almost like the system temporarily has a glitch, a glitch that can last a long time and basically puts us in trigger mode.

Anyone else relate to any of this?

Yes!
We have it a lot

Who will we need? Who can do this? Who is having control now?
Those are questions we ask ourselves a lot

It is not like black and white with us, it is not like there is a wall between two alters, seperating them. It it more like a slider, you know? Like when you can choose how much volt a charger has to be. 5 is possible, 6 is, but so is 5.5, or 5.434463. It is a spectrum, like light, you dont get red-wall-orange-wall-yellow-wall-etc., it is slowly becoming more orange, slowly becoming more yellow, etc.

Thank you very much for your reply ManyHearts.

It's nice to know someone can relate to some of what we experience. Was feeling very much like a *freak* - well even more so than usual....

ManyHearts wrote:It is not like black and white with us, it is not like there is a wall between two alters, seperating them. It it more like a slider, you know? Like when you can choose how much volt a charger has to be. 5 is possible, 6 is, but so is 5.5, or 5.434463. It is a spectrum, like light, you dont get red-wall-orange-wall-yellow-wall-etc., it is slowly becoming more orange, slowly becoming more yellow, etc.

Well explained, I understand what you mean. I don't think it works like that for us, but we do seem to be changing ..... more crossover is starting to happen. I am starting to feel some merging, just with me 'Blu' & little blu for now.

So, all is calmer now, thankfully.

We saw our T this morn, we walked in sooooooo many, all out at once, constant rapid switching, but she managed to reach Blu & little blu and we walked out 2 (ish... ).

I think this is the start of us learning to connect inside. Was sooooo proud of little blu today, she was VERY brave.

Blu.

Today we are different again.

Me Blu, I'm still here watching. But there is an angry guy up front. I can feel him, he feels pretty strong, he's pretty much in control. He feels like a system too, i feel different guys, like the main guy and then other younger guys behind him, male and less in control of their aggressive emotions, they have urges to destroy things..... think I'm gonna have to watch my mouth today, these guys seem quite angry.

The functioning heads, that normally deal with kids and house stuff, I can't feel them, like he's blocking them. he wants to do everything himself. I have stepped forward to deal with kids (really don't trust him), but it's a real struggle, he is strong. I have felt other EP's too, popping in and out with comments, but the EP's seem to be the ones who are more angry or demonic.

Blu

Hey Blu-Web

It sounds so hectic and chaotic in your head.

I ve heard about creatin a system, but to be honest, not sure how to start with it myself.

It does seem as if you have some organisation there, but that nonetheless you find yourself lost.

I relate to the feeling: who can deal with this?
Searchin for someone fit to deal with that specific situation.

I hate it when I space out and forget where I am, who I am, my age, everythin.

I m glad to read about your session with your T. That s nice to hear.

About the angry part, it s a part of you, so it is valuable; BUt at this point it sounds dangerous too.

I use a nine step program (under resources) but please don t feel pressured to use it.
I m not sure if it will work when there are so many of them.

I m sendin you the strenght to deal with this situation.

Love

Nina11

bluweb thank nina

bluweb like what nina say

help feel better

we sorry talkin hard today

but we want say thankyou and hope nina indie and all have good day.

Blu!!

Sorry talkin is hard today - hope you feel better soon-
xxoo

When something unexpected happens or things just don't go to plan, we go into panic mode, we literally don't know who to be, we wander around in a dissociated daze, with the thoughts "don't know who to be", "someone take the reigns please", "help.." going round our head, almost like the system temporarily has a glitch, a glitch that can last a long time and basically puts us in trigger mode.

Hi - I can relate to this glitch you are referring too - I was wandering around for several months this way after * Trigger - my dad died- I think it took a while for order to be established and I was just in a daze struggling to function-

Really hope things are calming down inside for you -
Thinking of you-

xxoo

Thank you

we are still very switchy

really sorry to hear you were in that state for months.
we are only 'aware' of being like that for a few hours, which was really unpleasant....quite frightening at times.

Thinking of you too

we are currently contemplating if we even have alters or is everyone just a fragment. particularly as all our memories seem to come as reliving, so it doesn't seem or appear like people even hold their own everyday memories just deposit them in a databank.

Blu-Web wrote:we are currently contemplating if we even have alters or is everyone just a fragment. particularly as all our memories seem to come as reliving, so it doesn't seem or appear like people even hold their own everyday memories just deposit them in a databank.

Keep us posted on your progress as you discover more - who has access to your memory bank? My day to day memories seem to get lost somewhere? It would be nice if they were deposited somewhere and someone had access !?!

xxoo