Being the Significant Other - trust & support

I am in a lesbian relationship of 2.5 years with my DID partner - Val - who has 4 other alters. We are both young adults and our relationship started wavering since last December. The story which follows is rather lengthy, I greatly appreciate everyone who gives their time to read and advise.

Alters
1.Val, 22 (f): Host, receiving therapy for almost 7 years
2. K, 16/17 (f): Protector via aggressive means
3. Em, 1/2 (f): Pure rage, progeny of K, threatens via self-harming
4. J, 16/17 (f): Internal self-helper / The intellectual (all logic, no emotion)
5. Sabbie, permanently 5 (f): Little

I have interacted with all alters but most frequently with Sabbie (and Val, of course). Sabbie loves the outdoors and her curiosity + love of candy ensures that she comes out at least once every other day. Val has commented that Sabbie & I click better than them both and she does not understand Sabbie.

K and J now prefer to stay inside and only switch when necessary (ie. threats/triggers/need some air). Many times, J has helped me to understand Val's unconscious and feelings, primarily towards our relationship. K started out wary and distrusting of me but over time, has learned to at least tolerate my presence. Her protection of Val expands to me as well.

Em has been deemed "dangerous" and locked away by K & J, Em only comes out when Val becomes wildly unstable from a trigger and is unable to ground successfully (I have only interacted with Em twice in 2.5 years).

Background information
My major in Psychology gave me a head start in DID theory when we began dating. Because of my background, her DID news did not come as a shocker and I still see/treat/react to her as a normal person (I am unsure if this is entirely beneficial or not since on one hand, DID patients should not be given "special" treatment - causes ostracization/discrimination etc.; on the other hand, DID patients require an entirely different skill set altogether to survive in this society).

During our tiffs, I am always the emotional one, while she the embodiment of logic. All of my emotions lead to tears (be it happiness, jealousy, despair, anger, pleasure etc.) but Val rarely cries because to her, it is a sign of weakness. She is also unable to manage her emotions such that she does not explode in violence and hence, as a safety measure, her emotional side shuts down every time we talk about our relationship issues, and she withdraws.

Suffice to say, we are polar opposites in that aspect and I find it difficult to have intimate conversations without opening our emotions to each other - such vulnerability is important for intimacy. However, Val errs on the side of caution and does not want to risk triggering by letting a small bit of emotions out. In this respect, I have acknowledged and accepted. I am learning to be patient and leave her be during times of distress, I am a natural nurturer and tend to stay so we can communicate, though it's probably better to give her that space. I believe it is also important to state that my love language is touch & time.

Issue #1
Last December, we had a major argument over a recurring minor issue and took a one-week rain-check before spending Christmas together. On that night, we had a HTHT (heart-to-heart) which ended well, although she did not stay the night (this is important to me). After she went home, my emotions were still running wild and in a bid to keep them controlled, I expressed some ugly thoughts via a post on a travel journal I had created for her (it was very late and improper for me to call anyone to talk). I changed the password and account settings so that she would not see it (I had intended it to be temporary). Who knew, she got an email notification about the changes the next day and chaos started.

While unintentional, this action broke her trust in me (I guess it was like a mini-betrayal of sorts? I still have trouble understanding) and created an empty hole which has not been fully mended until now. We had another talk about it and decided that we would work towards rebuilding the trust and getting our relationship back on track again.

At the same time, she was successfully admitted into her dream college and preparing for the first semester. I am unsure whether it was the workload, her unwillingness to or any other reason, but she no longer took as much initiative or reciprocated as much from then on. We only see each other once a week, and that is only when I go over to her place every Sunday for dinner. Otherwise, we only text/call/play online games every other day.

In the beginning, I felt the situation was predominantly my fault and that it was normal for her to feel this way and for me to put in more effort to make up for my mistake. Yet, any relationship should be 50-50 and the absence of mutual giving can be a lousy feeling. The fact that my love language is touch & time worsens it. I highlighted this to her and we concluded that our efforts were not getting through to each other, we seemed to be on different frequencies (ie. she does not love me the way I want to be loved and vice versa) because the blog incident brought her walls/masks back up again, this time even stronger.

As always, lost trust is extremely difficult to rebuild. I am not the most sensitive/emphatic lover and at my wit's end about how to repair that hole I created. She's a beautiful person, perfect. Her alters and I exist in harmony, I enjoy their company (Em included) and love them dearly. I just don't know what to do and feel so helpless and selfish because I don't have DID.

How do other SOs out there cope? What can I do to gradually build trust with her and climb those walls again?

Issue #2
Coming from an Asian family, corporal punishment (CP) is part of my culture. Given Val's childhood trauma, CP is a near-trigger for her. She tells me that she does not like coming over to my house because we condone its use on my nephew. We have had heated arguments on several occasions over CP, which has eventually caused her to not say anything whenever I confide to her about my family. This disdain of coming over + non-initiative/reciprocation + less time has further strained our relationship.

I have only realised its rippling impact on her very recently, after we returned from a trip on Sunday. It gave her a reason to not be together - this I don't want. In fact, sharing with me her thoughts on this matter nearly triggered her on foreign land that night, but she managed to stay calm. Despite my willingness to stop my use of CP, she expressed strong doubt and remains adamant that a person cannot change something so heavily embedded in them. Sabbie later explained what this means is that the change wouldn't be natural but controlled, and thus would be artificial to Val (I am unsure how to reason logically with her on this as I feel it is somewhat arbitrary).

As of now, we do not touch at all and I feel very dejected about her reactions. She just went to see her T today and is leaving for another short trip on Friday. I am unsure how to approach this issue.

A million thanks everyone.

Trish

I don't have much time right now but I will try to check back on this thread later.

Wanted to say welcome here though You seem like a very sweet and kind SO and I'm glad to hear you are trying to work on the issues at hand.

I hope someone here can help you.

It's good meeting you

Hi! Thank you for posting - that was very organized and honest! I hear you as a very intellectual, nurturing individual - and I see you wanting to take responsibility for your own part in both what went wrong and how to heal it....this is admirable!

One thing I wonder is where you are, deep down. It seems you are focusing on her, her reactions, her future action (will she trust me) and the relationship as a whole. You have expressed what you need (like touch/time) and how it makes you feel when you don't get it (rejected/lonely). And it goes without saying that what you hope for is a partner who is sensitive to these needs. But what I hear is that she may not be willing or maybe a better word is capable - of giving that to you.

So my question to you is - what is your plan B to get Your needs met? I see you respecting her desire for space, for you to not speak if that will trigger....and she has a counselor to boot....so her needs are being met and yes, a relationship has to have give and take...but what about you? It is NOT that I'm saying she needs to change - but how else might you get those needs met outside of her?

One thing I learned recently is that when I look to any (one) person to try to fulfill my needs, I'm almost always disappointed. So what do you do for your own self care when you are feeling rejected? There is almost a sense that the hurt/need not being met can feel quite overwhelming - though I might just be relating. I cannot Stand the silent treatment...not talking things out...etc...so I get this on a personal level.

And I see that you want to not take it personally - because her feelings/reactions are hers to have...but what about how you are feeling? Do you have a counselor? What do you do when you are (left alone with an unfinished conversation)? The journal sounds like a great idea!

As far as CP...we cannot change your nephew's family and I'm hoping she can separate her feelings towards them with her feelings towards you because you are willing to change that behavior in your own life.

You can recognize that there ARE alternatives. As a scholar, you have probably read that the brain cannot accept a negative. So...if I tell you don't look at the left side of your screen...you automatically WANT to look at it because your brain has to do/know the action before it can NOT do the action. You may have been able to resist -but you can't tell me you weren't tempted...that's because we focus on the action (negative or positive) This is why it makes me upset to walk into my kids' school and see posters that say "Hands aren't for hurting" we are FOCUSING on using our hands to hurt. What they need to say is "Hands are for helping, sharing, caring" or whatever. Leave the thought on the positive. SO...it makes sense then, that you can use other ways to talk or discipline your nephew that will get him to focus on the correct behavior, not just avoiding doing the wrong one.

Another example: 'don't spill that juice!" vs "hold the cup with two hands" (you can see that the first could startle a child and make them spill where the second is empowering and focusing on what would prevent the spill)

As far as her not believing you can change that; all you can do is prove it with time and experience. You can talk to her about your plan "The next time (nephew) misbehaves, I'm going to choose to (let parents handle it, correct him in this way, etc....... in fact, I"m going to preemptively praise (nephew) for the correct behavior he does!"

I want to digress here for a moment in case anyone is interested in how this can work: My nephew is diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder.... one day he pulled my hair when my back was turned. I turned around and said "Oh...are you fixing it?" and offered it to him again. He was visibly confused by my reaction. He decided he would 'fix' my hair. As he began to pat my hair I said "Wow...you sure are sweet to fix Auntie's hair..." Later...he bit me instead of kissing me. I tell him "When you bite, it hurts. I need you to give me a soft kiss, not a bite..like this..." and I planted a dozen small little kisses on his cheeks getting him to laugh. I didn't focus on scolding or yelling...I used humor and love. After 2 years - my nephew is a medicated but still absolute terror for his mom and gets (swatted and yelled at) they can't go anywhere without him throwing a tantrum or being a total, royal mess.... But when he is with me, he is polite, well behaved, and calm. He trusts me. He feels good about himself when he is with me. When he told me "Auntie...I don't know why I'm a bad boy. I want to be a good boy..." I had to remind him it is not him as a person that is bad...but that sometimes the choices he makes are...Sorry...but I am not a big proponent of CP either.

ANYWAY - long story short.... I think that it is marvelous that you are able to be the 'emotional one' and help her see that emotions are 'normal'. Does she feel you are weak for crying or just her if she does? Would it be pretty normal for anyone in (whatever situation) to feel upset? On that note - the Christmas/journal thing....you wanted to vent/express yourself to get it out of your system, but you changed the account setting so that she wouldn't be hurt by it....I can see how she might feel betrayed by the act, but the big picture is you needed to feel 'heard' without actually being heard. Many counselors suggest writing letters and reading them a full day later before sending...to give us a chance to cool off. Some suggest writing and burning/tossing the letters. It seems that what you did was an appropriate skill to handle what you were feeling. Hopefully she can come to understand that you did not want her to read it before you had a chance to process things when cooled off...

Have you flat asked her what you need to do to help rebuild the trust?

Do you realize some of her trust issues is because she has been so hurt and so you cannot take the blame for all of it? Tiffs are bound to happen in a relationship. All you can do is realize you both have your own perspectives and reasons for behaving or feeling the way you do - and to have future focus.

Sorry this has gotten to be a book.

Hi,

I'll only comment on the second issue because it strikes a chord in me: if I was in a relationship with someone who lives harmoniously with a family that condones CP, I would run a mile. Sorry, but I understand your SO - she has (apparently) experienced how damaging violence can be to a child and now you seriously expect her to accept that as part of your "culture"???

I also understand that she is suspicious that you are willing to stop using CP yourself but at the same time say that "we" (= your family? Asian people in general?) condone its use. I'm guessing she can feel you're on the fence on the subject and trying to please both her and your family. A person CAN change something so embedded in them, but they must first recognise it is wrong and want to change it - from your statement, I don't get the impression that that is the case. Sorry if I misunderstand.

Thank you hope and tribe, you have helped me reflect deeper on my thoughts, this is great! - I am less emotionally than intellectually aware of what goes on inside. Great to meet you too life!

tribe:
Don't worry! I expected misunderstandings because it's difficult to post a complete story without really turning it into a book I'll start with some clarifying: mine is an extended family of grandparents, young parents (30+), young adults and kids. The grandparents use it most often and since we try to maintain harmony within the family (as Asians) and give "face", the younger ones do not jut in as it would seem like an override of authority/disrespect. Also, we (when young ones do use CP) use it as a warning, not actively hit.

Note: Do not misinterpret the above as a defence of CP. I only think it necessary to state such details for a clearer, complete picture.

In the past, I have tried to abolish my personal use of CP. My studies have alerted me to the potential complications, no matter how light. You are right tribe, recognition is important and for me, it was a 70-30 (wrong/right) debate because I went through CP as a child, and also my nephew didn't seem to respond to the "soft" way (in this case, CP is not 'right', rather it seemed the only solution). I have been searching and experimenting with alternatives with him - he improved! Kids don't learn from people they don't like so after just these 2 days of change, I'm looking forward to what can transpire when I am more nurturing, patient and understanding towards him and his mindset.

Your insight helped me clear some inner fog. Initially I was unclear about WHY I felt CP is wrong, it felt as though my brain was at war with itself grappling both sides.

I am planning to share these thoughts with Val.

hope:
It has only been after this Sunday's talk about CP that she doesn't feel comfortable about me touching her, brief touches were okay. Touch/time were never a problem before issue #1 happened, which caused withdrawal. It might be fair to state our current circumstances in case that COULD be a contributor: I'm taking a break from grad school while she has deadlines week after week. Then again, the drop (rarely spending time each week except when I go over on Sunday) is simply too drastic.

Absolutely! I am learning to not take things personally. It takes all of my willpower to tolerate the lack of closure and leave her alone for days. And it's worse when she withdraws physically too because then, I feel suffocated with inaction, I cannot express my concern/love/care (I am aware that there are other ways to do this, touch is just most natural to me).

I don't have a counselor. Usually I cope by crying alone, it helps me release the negative energy, worries, what-ifs, self-pity. Recently, I have also tried writing down my thoughts in a notebook. Slightly introverted. (All these haven't always been successful so I'm still searching for alternatives.)This brings me to a side note...

I am so very grateful to have found this forum. Ever since we started, Val has been a pillar of strength and my sole confidante. Therefore, whenever relationship issues arise, she withdraws and I am unable to confide anything to anyone (my family is in the dark about us and the only person I feel comfortable talking deeply to is Val). Reading and relating to the posts here supports me, and inspires me to improve myself/self-care so I can support Val to the best of my abilities as well. I don't want her to suffer again.

Thank you so much for those suggestions, it really opens a whole new world (never been handy with kids and compliance). In fact, on Sunday after I returned home, I took my nephew out for a walk and apologised for my attitude towards him and set some future boundaries for both him and myself. The proactive praise works great! He immediately went into "well-behaved mode". I've been incorporating these in my interactions with him, hope it bears fruit.

She is fine with me crying, weakness only applies to herself. Perhaps you can help me understand better about the X'mas thing... was she betrayed because I changed the settings behind her back or I posted something contradictory to our HTHT (it ended well), or something else? She understands that I didn't mean for her to read it, though she can't shake the feeling and the trust issue off.

Yes that was probably one of the earliest questions. Her reply was that if she told me, and I did them, it wouldn't be natural/spontaneous anymore and therefore wouldn't have its effect. That's why I'm clueless...

Are you saying that her loss of trust in me extends from the trust issues she faced in childhood, therefore the magnitude of that distrust is bigger and so I cannot take full blame?

Hi,

I'm really glad that you are trying to interact with your nephew in a non-violent way! It sounds like you understand how children learn, and fear of punishment is not a very good way to understand anything.

I'm sorry if I was a bit brash in my earlier post, but I feel quite strongly about this subject - I went through CP as well as a child, because my parents thought that they received it and it did not do them any harm, so why not. In fact, I think it did them a lot of harm and me too, which is part of why I am here. It did not teach me a single thing apart from being angry and scared and spending a decade of my life throwing bricks at authority .

I think it is important to question traditional assumptions, when some of them can be harmful. But I see you're doing that, I hope things work out in a good way!

Just wanted to answer your question directed at 'trust'. yes...I did mean that I think since she has experienced trust issues before - it could be harder to get over. One conditioned to expect certain things (unsafe situations....etc) can revert back to those feelings or be more skeptical/cautious because of those experiences...

It is like being apprehensive of the other shoe to drop, so to speak. in fact, when things are going good- a bad experience might actually be magnified just because it feels more normal. It is Familiar.... predictable even if dysfunctional (not pointing fingers...this is more from my own understanding of growing up in an alcoholic family....when chaos happened...it was normal...when everything was 'good' I was in this constant state of apprehension of when the nice stuff would end...) It was hard for me to not be attracted to that type of chaos so I could feel 'normal'. Or see 'unhealthy' traits in people who (in hindsight) were really were genuinely nice.

So..to me...if you give a sign of the past she knew (even unwittingly) it can trigger that apprehension of what might come next.. Hope that made sense...i'm tired tonite and feel loopy!