Catfishing experience?

by **Rhondae** » Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:32 pm

Hey everyone I'm new here.
I'm a female and 21.
Appreciate anyone who manages to bear with the long post.

Had all the symptoms of someone with ADD and what seems to be called maladaptive daydreaming (not diagnosed however) for as long as I can remember and I'd just like to request some insight into some things as I really can't face a therapist - though I visited my gp once, concerning my levels who said they'd refer me to a specialist but didn't.

I was abused once by an older male and coincidentally for a period of time by two older females as a child though my family remain unaware. The abuse from the females however took place by them grooming me into believing we were playing a game where I'd have to pretend to be 'their husband' and from the ages of 6-10 after initial resistance they got their ways (separate people/periods).

I spent a few teenage & some adult yrs somehow getting caught up into 'catfishing' across 4 different online identities (3males 1female) one at a time. They started off as just light anonymous chat with no intention of escalating then found myself having to backstory who i 'was' and ended up in intense relationships (sounds crazy online but completely possible). Messed up i know, not proud of it, beat myself up about this for ages. Also just to note I did this while juggling a perfectly what seemed to be 'normal' life as in friends,social,now&then relationships(never at the same time though),education,career etc.

Anyway finally ended the last one (always found a way to end one due to guilt eventually) but feel severe withdrawal symptoms and some anxiety i'm almost not sure what 'myself' is anymore. I realise that this covers numerous things so may find it beneficial to search elsewhere as well for an allrounded response.

So my questions to this section are:
Anyone with DID suffer with Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Anyone with DID ever been a 'catfish'?

Could I have developed a form of DID as a result of these online people I played out in the past? I can differentiate them enough to recognise they're not real but almost feel as if they're a part of me that exist as they made 'real impact' to others etc and to me 'they're real'.

And just in general any thoughts/help/advice please?

Thanks for anyone's time.Rhonx

I'll tell you a brief story. I have DID. My Alter Natalia who is the main one pretty much, she fell in love with a guy named Shane. Long story short, Shane and his best friend who also knew me as Natalia find out. Of course under the Impression I was a catfish. He broke contact with me for quite a while. A few months passed and I found a way to reach him again and I explained I had DID and of course he did not believe me at first like any other person usually does. But he learned more eventually, and he's fine with it now. Whenever a switch occurs he talks to Natalia and has a great friendship with him and it won't go beyond that.

About your question regarding if you could develop DID from being a Catfish (Don't take my word for it), I can't really say I think so. DID occurs when you suffer some extreme trauma in your life and you try to dissociate and you create other identities and personalities which are alters that help you survive in life.

Another thing can be that you did have DID and you have not realized it until now and those online identities you created tried to have an online life of their own which is something similar that happened to me with Shane, but before that I was already aware I had DID.

I hope this helps a bit and know that you are not alone.

Best Regards!

by **moonbcw** » Sun Jan 31, 2021 3:53 pm

Hi ! Im exactly the same as you haha ,, i joined this website just to post a reply because ive been trying to find someone with a similar experience as me. I cant answer your question because i really dont know either if you develop DID from catfishing.

*Mod edit*

by **Dwelt** » Sun Jan 31, 2021 8:39 pm

DID starts during childhood, because of chronic traumas, and you can't develop it after the age of 10.

So no, being a "catfish" will not give you DID or anything like it. However, the way you describe it makes me think this behavior could be a sign that some dissociation is going on in your brain.

Maybe you should have a look at other dissociative disorders like OSDD-1 (Other Specified Dissociative Disorder subtype 1), or disorders which can have dissociative features like Borderline Personality Disorder.

Hope you'll find answers to your questions !

by **SystemFlo** » Sat Feb 20, 2021 1:14 am

I'm sharing parts of our story, hope it helps. At least we feel good when someone else has similar experiences than we do, so we hope it works for you too. We can not diagnose you, I hope you understand that. We're not qualified, and even if things we have may sound similar in some sense, there may be differences in areas that are critical of needing to be certain way to have DID or partial DID.

Maladaptive daydreaming isn't a real diagnosis, but you can have those kind of symptoms along with DID or other mental illness. Nobody's diagnosed with both, since maladaptive daydreaming isn't a disorder with code in DSM or ICD, it may some day be in there, but it's not now, it's not an official thing.

I do have those traits of MDD, and sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between what I imagine and what's there for real for others, because I daydream about their lives, inner lives. My daydreams are my imagination tho, not what they actually do inside, but since I sometimes do see inside as well, it's hard to tell. They need to tell what's their truth, I can't.

They don't seem to mind I do that, I guess that it's been a good way to protect me when we were still living trauma. I escaped inside our minds somewhere, although back then it was much darker and scarier place it is today, but that kept me from feeling too much about things happening here in real life.

I'm not sure if we have DID or partial DID (in DSM it's called OSDD1b), we're kind of in the middle. Officially we're diagnosed with both, OSDD1b (called DDNOS (dissociation disorder not otherwise specified) where we live in) by test made at trauma treatment center, leading facility to DDs in general in our country, and DID diagnosed by our current psychiatrist, but he's totally clueless about dissociation disorders in general, so that's more of a guess. We love him tho, he's the only person who has actually really listened to us the way we felt valid. That's more important to us than his lack of training of DDs, because he's there just for medication. We hoped so much we could've had a therapist like him, who thinks we're valid and our feelings are important, but we didn't. In the end it doesn't matter which one the real diagnose is tho, the cause is the same, and so is the treatment.

To clarify why we fall kind of in the middle of the two is that I do lose time, but only in safe environment and others cover up everything they've done outside usually, and if they missed some detail and I realize someone has been out, I'll have amnesia of realizing it. I only know that, because I did write things down before, and became aware of losing time and amnesia around it, I didn't remember writing those things or that things I wrote about had happened. I wasn't aware of it for decades, had no clue I do lose time. Could have swear I don't, ever.

Now there's no journal in use, so I don't see how time goes missing, but there's no reason to think things have changed and symptom like that would've disappear. I'm fine others using the body, they're totally allowed and it's not up to me to even decide it. In the end, even when they don't identify the body being theirs, it's still the only body we have in this world and that makes it shared.

When there's other people around, it's whole different story. That means our defender is ready to take us away or defend us or anyone who can't defend themselves, if needed, and that's the biggest thing, I think, for why we get so exhausted around people, and have that feeling of not being able to be ourselves, being who we really are. That's probably Sami's (defender's) feelings leaking into me. But what do you do, other people are a threat, we do need him there when it's not just us and safe environment. Because of how controlled our loss of time is, we don't really qualify as someone who loses time. Other parts don't go out by themselves, they don't use money by themselves, everything that has anyone else but us involved in it is shared info. I don't know if there's a part who always stays around or if it's more of a memory bank parts can use. However, all important outside info is there for the ones who lead our life at the moment and that creates the feeling of continuity, kind of. Not the way people without DDs have it, but better than most people with DID can have. Our view of world isn't that fractured. We have a subsystem, a boy who has full DID in the system, and therefor we know how it is to lack that feeling of continuity. They have several hosts and very fractured view of what's happening. They're way more stable outside than they are inside because of that, because when they co-host with me in here they have the connection to this lives memory bank. In their own system they don't have anything alike.

You can't develop DID thru imagination, it's a trauma based thing, It is not pretending to be other people. It doesn't mean people with DID can't be "catfishs" tho, we were for many years. Sami was kind of hosting our life for at least 7 years at some point, and I wasn't aware he was real. I thought I was catfishing and felt bad for it. We were kind of co-conscious all that time, I felt his feelings as mine, but I never felt HIM, not before I realized he is real and saw him. Then I realized what to look for and he was there and I realized he has always been there, but I couldn't tell the difference between my thoughts and feelings and his, not before one day he wasn't there, and so many things I thought were me, weren't there anymore. It was the whole point to keep me unaware, and still allow him to have his own life. Or at least try. It didn't work out, and now he lives inside, dates only inside etc. And our life isn't as confusing anymore.

Online he always told people he's never gonna meet them in person, and that's it. He was active in chat rooms and had friends there. It doesn't mean he didn't fall in love or that people didn't fall for him. They did, and it was a lot of heartache. We had real social life as well, he did and I was involved because I identify with the body while he doesn't. He's gay (hates that word tho, or whole description to define his sexuality, because there's so much meaning in that word he does not identify with at all, but there's no better way to put it, so I use that anyway for clarity). He's male and he only finds other males attractive, very few of them tho, but still only males. And so we went to gay clubs and I thought I made friends and meanwhile Sami fell in love and they fell in love with him. And it was weird. I was disappointed, for me the whole point in going to gay clubs was that those men were "safe", not interested in me or my body. And they weren't interested of me, they were interested in Sami and they did see him thru me and our body and were confused as well. Why do they fall for us, when we're a female and they're gay. And Sami would've went with them and done all things there are he likes, but he had no body to it with. He couldn't live online and be happy, neither could he live outside and be happy. For seven years he tried, and then he went into changing process and all his sexuality is now leaking inside, not outside anymore. But for us it means that when ever he comes close to any of us old enough to have those kind of feelings, he's sexuality leaks into us and we identify liking male-male relationships only, until he goes further. That's with everyone in the system.

*** Trigger warning starts *** subject: SA of underage part (without physical contact)
Sami hasn't been the only one who has had outside contact, who has been "catfishing". Fourteen did too, but he did not know about the outside world at all at that time. If I use any device in here, it works same way inside. He didn't come out to write txt messages or to call, he did it all from the inner world. I knew what I was doing, and I felt I was pretending to be a teen boy and was ashamed of it. Like what's wrong with me wanting to be that, but I felt his feelings as mine when we lived like that. I didn't know he was real. I thought just like people usually do, that when there are feelings and thoughts in your mind, you think them to be yours. But if you do have more than one personality, not all of them are yours.

If I'd known he is real, I wouldn't have let him have all those relationships he did. He's underage, and under legal age for sexual activity and he has sexual trauma and a lot of weird stuff in his mind because he is so messed up. He doesn't know the difference between love and sex or violence and sex, and people he engaged with were all adult men, middle aged men. I didn't feel bad for them, in the end they were predators after what they believed was a teen boy, and in reality is, it's just that he can not have his body in here for them, thank God. I felt bad, because there's so much twisted sexual thins in my mind, in our mind. I felt like I was abusing a boy illegally, and in a way I was. It wouldn't pass in any court tho, in the end we are just one person and one can't abuse themself. But if I had known he is real, those middle aged guys wouldn't have any chance to get to talk to him.

He was looking for someone who cares and that's how he knows he gets attention e needs. And at the same time, that same behavior made other parts in his system hate themselves and feel dirty and all that, all you feel, when you are abused. It took decades for him to realize how his behavior does not define his sexuality, but who he would and could fall in love with if everything would be possible. And he likes girls his age, inside. Not men, he finds them repulsive. That goes for all parts thru out their whole system, from littlest ones to teens. Some of them can act sexually with men, but they get shy and feel tingles when girls notice them.

I'm so sorry I let them be abused for years, even tho it was "just" pics and messages and phone calls. They even had their own phone and all for that. But I didn't know they are a real boy. I thought I had twisted imagination and that's all. I didn't know what to look for.*** Trigger warning ends ***

Same thing for short: we do have structural dissociation, same traits maladaptive daydreamers are described with and would certainly be viewed as catfish to many people in the past. We never did it to hurt anyone tho, that's why there were strict rules to follow, like tell there will be no physical contact ever, we do not take gifts, although they probably wanted to give all those gifts and money to use it for blackmailing later on and non of us are stupid, but we did not have rules to protect us from the reality, heartache and abuse.

I know now Sami and Fourteen are certainly bot real parts, not imagination. Back then I just shared what they felt and never questioned do I feel that way. I thought I did. Now that things are all out and open, It's clear we don't agree. Sami has taken the control over the body by pushing me to the background and I have memory of it. Imagination can not think independently or act independently. Fourteen has eating disorder and we fight over food and exercising continuously, he gets angry, frustrated, anxious and really overwhelmed and those are not my feelings. In our system communication happens mostly thru sharing emotions, someone shows how they feel and the reasons for it come with the emotion. We don't really use words. That's maybe one reason why everything was able to stay hidden for so long, even after I already told people there are people living in my head, I still didn't get what it meant. I didn't get that they were as valid as I am, not more imaginary just because we are super creative as well.

Parts are independent with their feelings and thoughts and opinions, likes and dislikes. You can't decide them to be different and change them. Sometimes it can be really hard to tell tho, like the way Sami can just kind of blend with me without me being aware he's there if I'm not paying attention and asking (he doesn't lie), and I don't feel anything odd. I'm so used to sharing a mind with him. It's good tho, we're kind of almost integrated in a way.

Most important thing is tho, that you see someone professional, go in with all the symptoms you do know you have and share them the way they are now. Don't make anything up just to fit into criteria of any disorder, you're not there for criteria, criteria is there to serve you. In case it isn't dissociative, getting wrong diagnose would get you in wrong kind of treatment and nothing would change in your life, which is the point in getting treatment. I suppose you don't wanna spend the rest of your life living in fantasy extended to real life, it's way better if those identities are just your creations. They still come from you and you can become more of like them and have a fuller life. It is part of the description of maladaptive daydreaming that you get really attached to your characters and don't wanna let them go. In dissociation it's the other way round, you can't escape them no matter how embarrassing situations you end up with them when the co-operation isn't that well yet.

What ever you have, it affects your life big ways, and you do deserve treatment, treatment that is effective to what you have. Don't think yourself into any mind traps by thinking disorders like one would be better than the other and then try to aim for that, be aware of not doing it even unconsciously. Sometimes people are misdiagnosed with DID, and they didn't lie on purpose. They go to treatment and it doesn't help and they get diagnosed again with the knew knowledge from the therapist they worked with, and turns out they were doing it to gain something. Sometimes that something can be being part of a community, like DID has community that seems friendly and you just wanna belong somewhere.

I know it's hard when you feel you don't belong anywhere for real.

There are lot of threads in here about DID and partial DID and how it is to live with them. Do they feel familiar to you? What is same, what is different? There are several people in youtube sharing their recovery stories, who have had maladaptive daydreaming and been cured. Go and listen to them. What is similar, what is different. All people are different and everyone's story is unique, and it is possible to have co-morbid disorders. We do have several diagnosis among DDNOS and DID, because.. well.. I suppose our case is kind of complex too.

I can not know if you have parts or not, or if you are whole human being the way you are now, and created characters because you have creative mind. It's not uncommon to do, to wanna try how would it be someone else online, and it can be addictive. I'm kind of worried that you could hope to have DID, and them being parts of you as a whole person, because that would make them more real, and you do love them. I hop you understand that in case you do have DID and they are real parts, it doesn't make your daydreams to be your new reality. Reality is still this world. With DID, you just have more parts of you living in here, this life, it's no excuse to catfish. In case it is DID, they do have a reason to exist and that is trauma and survival. It happened in this world, it has to be worked thru in this world and in best case scenario, you don't have to be separate from the others anymore, but walls between you disappear, in this world. Day dreams are and always will be still just that, daydreams, not the reality. Never, regardless of your diagnosis. The goal is still to stop that and learn to live in here, where real life happens. I know it's way easier said than done.

Because there can be subconscious hope to have DID for numerous reasons, and they all are understandable and relatable, I wouldn't look at the answer from the possible parts. I wouldn't imagine these possible parts and go ask are they real, because in case they are, they can be honest and say yes. In case they are not, you control what they feel and do and say, and will have an answer you want to. It can even be "No" because that would make them appear more legit, wouldn't it? That would proof they disagreed with you and aren't in your control but do have their own minds. But in reality it wouldn't. You have smart and creative mind, you know how to make them more real, if you want that.

I'd rather ask what other dissociative symptoms you have? How much? Tell the latest example that comes to your mind. Do you have PTSD? What type of flashbacks you have most (full, just visual, just sounds, emotional etc.)? Do you lose time? Do people tell you have done things you don't remember doing? Do you ever have thoughts that are conflicting with other thoughts you have at the same time? For example you wanna eat candy, although you find all sweets repulsive? Do you ever feel like you'd be someone else, not by imagining it, but just realizing you feel the whole world very differently all the sudden, and you can't help it? For example have a strong feeling of wanting to run to playground and swing, because you feel like you'd be a child, although you know you aren't? Have you had strange desires to things you find embarrassing afterwards? What is the worst symptom, hardest to bear in your situation now? If you could describe how you feel about your symptoms right now with just one word, what would it be? If you do the same thinking about the characters and how they affect your life with one word, what would that be?

I'm not a professional any kind, and answering those questions and telling the answers to me doesn't make me one either. In trying to process things by yourself, I think that would be maybe the best way to go with the questions, to somewhere where there is less traps to fall into. DID is about trauma, not about parts. Not that the questions I made would be some solid proof either, diagnosing is a long process and there's lot to take into consideration.

I hope you find help, right kind of help, because what ever the name to your condition is, it is stealing your life away from you and you deserve better.

Flor

P.S. I know there are numerous misspellings and other weird things because of editing it in the txt, but I can't be bothered to do anything about them. I think it's understandable enough, so the rest of you just have to live with it.

Catfishing experience?

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