considering switching therapist

I've written about it here too:
dissociative-identity/topic110438.html How to find a therapist

I'm considering switching to another therapist. The current T I'm with, doesn't really seem to understand. At least, I don't feel understood.
(Maybe I'm projecting emotions, but when I think about it, I don't think so. I think I genuinely feel not understood.)
** possible trigger **
I've told him about possible SA memories. The only thing he's done with that is talking about how I'm with sexuality in daily life. Whether there was any SA or not, I just don't feel OK talking about that. And honestly, I don't understand how talking how it's in daily life helps me, while ignoring the (obviously) disturbing images/flashes/memories/things I get.
** end possible trigger **
I've told about my suspicion of DID in my second appointment. After a while, he has given me a diagnosis of DDNOS. Ok, that's one thing. But when I mailed a list of names (dissociative-identity/topic99946-10.html#p960419) he just seemed to ignore it. Or rather, avoid it. He once said they might be alters when I asked about it (I think, memory is fuzzy, it's a while ago). Other than that, he hasn't really said anything about it. Never without at least me mentioning it. He knows it's a difficult topic, so I don't understand why he makes it even more difficult this way.
As far as I know, he's not specialized in dissociative disorders ('just' trauma, which is pretty broad).

I have found a different T that is specialized in dissociative disorders, that my insurance covers (he does somewhat alternative therapy, but is AFAIK qualified nonetheless), and that is near me
One possible downside (as far as I can know now) is that he's male. I don't know, but it is possible that I have some problem with middle-aged (40+ or so) males. 1) because my father is that age, and 2) because that possible something in the past.
Another possible downside is that he does somewhat alternative therapy. Well, I think I should discuss this directly with him. I have nothing against that. And AFAIK what he does is getting quite 'mainstream' so to say. (When important terms in psychotherapy are derived from that 'alternative' theory, they should have gotten something right).

WT - Stand My Ground (music video might trigger: overall pretty dark (darkness, rain, thunder etc.), references to religion I think, people standing on the top of a building, but NO SI).

I can see
When you stay low nothing happens
Does it feel right?

Late at night
Things I thought I put behind me
Haunt my mind

(...)

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I've got to face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground

(...)

I can feel
That it's time for me to face it
Can I take it?

(the lyrics are really powerful, http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/ ... 3300280971)

So, now I'm faced with (for me) a problem: how do I tell my current T about this?
How should I tell him I feel not understood, in an appropriate manner?
And if that doesn't go right, how should I say I want to go to another T?
I have a problem with authority figures. I am constantly afraid when I don't respect them, I will not be accepted. As a T, he has some authority (because he's supposed to know psychotherapy more than me).

I have to finally stand my ground. I just don't know how. I'm afraid I guess of the consequences. Logic doesn't make that fear go away. It may lessen it, though.

oaktree wrote:I've told him about possible SA memories. The only thing he's done with that is talking about how I'm with sexuality in daily life. Whether there was any SA or not, I just don't feel OK talking about that. And honestly, I don't understand how talking how it's in daily life helps me, while ignoring the (obviously) disturbing images/flashes/memories/things I get.

I would switch! Some T's just don't get it! We suffered horrible abuse and we need to heal the DID before working on daily, boring - long term life. I went through what you are going through. I fired my T and I feel so much better!

oaktree wrote:He once said they might be alters when I asked about it (I think, memory is fuzzy, it's a while ago). Other than that, he hasn't really said anything about it. Never without at least me mentioning it. He knows it's a difficult topic, so I don't understand why he makes it even more difficult this way.

What really irks me is when T's try and make us do things their way. Of course some people don't care about the science and labels and such, but to others of us, it is how we understand! My T was doing the same. I did not care about cooking, music, politics and such! I just want to work on my DID and quit beating around the bush. My insurance does not pay for it either, so it's out of pocket. I am not going to pay to learn how to draw, listen to music, cook, etc...

About the DX - There is only one DX with clear, separate identities and it's DID. It's not that difficult. Don't let your T make it that way. Hang in there!


How to tell her? That is simple. You need a better match for you. T's know this. If she did not feel she was a good match she would send you on to someone else.

About the male thing - maybe having a good male in your life, will help overcome some of the past hardships. It's all about how the guy deals you.

Ok, I have an appointment tomorrow so I should make up my mind pretty quickly.

I think switching would definitely be better in the long term. If not for the reason I tend to not tell things because I'm afraid he won't do anything with it anyway.

I don't think he (he's male, btw ) would send me to someone else.
**rant-ish** He has said recently therapy-related stuff should go via him. Like I shouldn't tell about that with someone else. It's my life, right? When it's about me, *I* am the one who is important. Not to make me feel important, really. But my health is about me, not about him. **end**

So I guess I should tell him directly... something.
Um... how should I start?
* I can just tell I don't feel understood. I feel like that's invalidating or blaming him personally. (Is it, really?)
* I don't really know how to tell I feel like he's not a good match (it's not easily translated to my native language, for one).
* I could also tell I want to switch because he doesn't seem to be specialized in dissociative disorders. But then, how do I know that? And that, too, feels like I'm saying he's incompetent (which is really hard to do for me).
I don't know any more ways of telling right now.

**rant-ish** The problem is not that he doesn't really give a label to what those parts are. It's merely that he doesn't talk about them. He wanted to do schema therapy he said. He hasn't really done that therapy. And even if he would have, those schemas are not the same as parts/alters (however developed they are).

sev0n wrote:About the male thing - maybe having a good male in your life, will help overcome some of the past hardships. It's all about how the guy deals you.

That's a good point. I think I'll make a list of things I want to tell in my first appointment, that includes this. Just so he knows about this. There are many more things I'd like to tell then (like, how I want to know my diagnosis, how I like knowing exactly what's going on etc.) If he doesn't agree, I know that beforehand *before* I get into longer term therapy (like now ).

oaktree wrote: It's my life, right? When it's about me, *I* am the one who is important. Not to make me feel important, really. But my health is about me, not about him. **end**

Heck yes it is!


I like to email that sort of message ahead of time, so it does not take up valuable therapy time. You could simply say - Anything really. He is going to think what he is going to think. Just be polite and don't blame. He simply is not giving you what you need.

Emailing a list ahead to your new T is a good idea. Let the new guy know what you want and expect before you ever begin.

I really hate when T's play around and won't give a Dx. Grrrrr.... That works for some people, but when they can see you are frustrated by it, they need to quit that stuff!

sev0n wrote:I like to email that sort of message ahead of time, so it does not take up valuable therapy time. You could simply say - Anything really. He is going to think what he is going to think. Just be polite and don't blame. He simply is not giving you what you need.

Do you mean the current T? Yes, I could email. Actually, a good idea. Well, maybe better to write it all down (that will make that part a lot faster - I'm very slow at telling these things). Possibly sending him a message I have something written down.
Yeah, blame. My view of when I'm blaming people is flawed. I constantly feel like I'm blaming people (this is likely projection). So it's not easy to know when I'm *really* blaming people and when not. And I tend to stay on the safe side, which means, I just don't tell at all. Usually.

sev0n wrote:Emailing a list ahead to your new T is a good idea.

Again, I feel better about writing that down. You know I'm paranoid about those things You can never know where that information ends up. And writing it down speeds things up a lot too.

sev0n wrote:I really hate when T's play around and won't give a Dx.

Me too. I want certainty. I want to know what's going on with me. I want to research it myself. When you go to a doctor he isn't going to say 'Yes, you have an illness, I'm not going to say which, but take this pill and it should get better'. I would expect the same with psychotherapy.
Yeah, may help for some people, though.

I'm with Sev0n and with you. Go out on your own and try to find yourself a new T. I turned my decision-making over to a controlling therapist and it was very damaging to me. My ex-best friend has been seeing this same guy for over 20 years and our friendship disintegrated because the T told him not to discuss anything that he also discussed in his own therapy with me. What? Last time I saw my friend, he had the same exact insecurities and dissatisfactions he had decades ago. His life, and his apartment, looked exactly the same! Terribly sad. Most Ts are not quite that toxic but control can be subtle. You're the boss of you. But don't try that line on alters, you may pay for that attitude.

Trust your instincts and if you need a bit more confirmation that your thinking is rational, come here and you'll get feedback about that.

My thinking about finding a great match with a first T is more miracle than normal. I'm a middle-aged guy and I know I'm safe and comfortable for most people, even if many of us, including me are actually triggered by being an adult male! Looking similar to the male biological parent does not help things one bit.

My current T is actually my... third? Well, the second for dissociation stuff. And if I count my past, he's my fifth or even later. But that was all for (as far as I / my parents knew) different stuff.

Johnny-Jack wrote:But don't try that line on alters, you may pay for that attitude.

yes. I suppose. No he's not going to do that. Never. -... Well, there you have it.

Ok, I'm going to write that down right now. That I think it's not a good idea to continue. With the reasons along it. Of course, he may disagree. It all depends on how he's going to disagree whether I will continue with him.

Ok, I wrote it all down. And send a mail to him. So, I think there's no going back now. Oops.
Well, it's a good thing. When it all turns into his favor, these are still things I should get out.

What I've said - in short -
- I feel like I can't touch certain subjects (dissociation, functioning in daily life, and possible memories)
- I am reluctant to tell about new things because I feel I can't talk about this stuff.
- I feel I'm better helped with someone experienced with dissociative disorders. (When I started therapy with him, he said he would have to look up the criteria for DID. To me, that means he can't have much experience, or he has none at all. He cannot reasonably have acquired that experience in such a short time).
- I have a few times gone away feeling (slightly) angry and misunderstood.
- Because of these reasons, I think trying to continue therapy won't be a good idea.

What I don't feel OK about, is the last thing I wrote. Translated, "To be precise, I have looked further whether there are people with which I am more in line".

You (two) were a great help in making this more clear for myself. And for letting me see it's OK. Thank you!

(I may not be able to reply until after therapy. I will definitely read the replies.)

Us wants write about blaming.

One thing that EVERY therapist should understand about therapy is that not every therapist can help every person. Some of it is about the relationship and how you get along together and fits of personality. Some of it is about style and how you fit with that style. But there is also so much specialized knowledge out there that it is impossible. A good therapist will recognize the bounds of his abilities. And if your therapist thinks that he knows everything or that he can help every person, then your therapist is a flaming NARCISSIST.

On the other hand, most therapists are narcissists to some degree who want to believe they can help every person (or don't feel like they can say that things aren't working out for whatever reason). So it ends up being the job of the client to know that it isn't working out and say something. Kind of backwards if you ask me and very tough.

I have told it. I've given the paper on which it was all written.
I don't know what will happen next exactly. I have one more appointment. But he knows I want to switch (I didn't really want another appointment, but he's said it'd be better to do another because that was good for switching?).
I don't know who was projecting, but I know there was strong projection going on today. I literally said I felt like my father was sitting in front of me. It didn't really stop much after that.
Will write more tomorrow. Slept about 4-5h tonight. And was already tired. And worried.
Will write when I'm more clear-headed. And able to really think.